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Undiagnosed mother?

S

Sager

New member
Joined
Mar 24, 2012
Messages
3
Hi all,
Thanks for taking the time to read this potentially rambly post.
I have a mother that I'm pretty sure has BDP but wanted to check if it sounded like it too to others because I seem to be the only one who has finally realised and at 26, I am the youngest of 3!
I was recently in a counsellors office talking about her and she snapped her head up and mentioned it sounded like she had it and it hit me like a truck. I didn't know the specifics of BDP but just knew there and then it was right. Albeit not as seriously as some people have it.
She is a very intelligent woman who was essentially abandoned by her mother at a young age and lived with her father until he died in a tragic climbing accident at what is now my age.
I grew up cringing around her, in social situations, knowing from a very young age the other person was not quite getting her and her behaviour was always 'just off' and I'd think WHY are you being so rude or not REALISING you're acting strangely? I've been told later it's atuned to me not trusting anyone, and as an adult, I still think if anyone is being slightly off, not themselves or 'fake' it makes me very very anxious and angry and I can't stand to be around them.
She has the classic symptoms of being able to switch from one mood to another, and a very controlling awful side that means you just can't get through to her at all. (It sounds very silly but at the moment it's to do with doors in the house her and my father live in. If you visit, you'll walk in to a room and she'll say SHUT THE DOOR before you say anything. She claims it's to do with a draft, but it's so obsessive and controlling it's very strange. You literally can't speak until you've shut it. So you get in to a pattern of doing it but one day it'll change and she'll suddenly announce you can't shut it because of something and you think, hurrah! But it never lasts long.)

She'd suddenly make something out of nothing a lot and as a teenager me and her clashed a lot. I'd become convinced she was being sneaky and vindictive and a lot of the time I was right but I always got in trouble. I can never quite figure her out, what mood she'll be in or whether what I say will receive good reception. When she lets her guard down for a flash, she's so amazing & I get so hopeful but then it only lasts a minute. You can probably tell I'm very atuned to people's emotions and I get vibes off people very well. I'm convinced it's because I spent so long trying to work her reactions out and as an adult now I can see it more clearly. As a child, when you think your parent knows everything and is the be all and end all I was constantly thinking she was in the right.
Anyway, she does not have it to a point where she physically abused us or we were put in care, but she does have a hint of the classic narcissism too. Not to an abusive extent by any means but she lies a lot, she'd use me and I would repeat stories and she'd be very much ' What?! No, that's not what she did/said' infront of people and make me look stupid. From casually mentioning she'd got into Oxford but turned it down, and me just knowing it's not true, to saying she bought a car and drove across America, to then hearing at a dinner party how she'd got the same coach as him when she did it. It was never in a grandeous way, in front of all these people, it just seemed to be little lies just to me and maybe the others, I don't know. Me and my siblings are very separated, I don't remember ever playing together or having any form of relationship with them. I'm sure we did when little but as we got older there was definitely nothing there and still isn't. My behaviour went off the roof, and I'm very worried sometimes because I'm like my mother a lot. I went very dramatically down hill as a teenager and still suffer severe anxiety and depression. I had knee jerk reactions to everything and told everyone to f*ck off basically and was very ungrateful. Mum would go from being my comforter and offering to pay for me to do college again to suddenly using it against me and threatening to do other things.
An example of what I may be talking about is, I visited last weekend to their home. My dad is very deaf in old age and just tends to block her out. She constantly criticises him and it's hsockign when you see it but then she'll claim it's because it's so hard being his carer and you don't know what to think. Anyway they aren't that old and are still all there. They went to some drinks around the corner in the village and I had a nap, I woke up to banging on the front door like there was some kind of disaster/emergency. Really hard, insane banging. By the time I jumped out of bed and went to the top of the stairs my father had let them in with the keys. She'd run ahead of him to use the toilet, knowing i was in and had just gone crazy at the door. The neighbour had come out to ask if everything was ok, they live in a very lovely quiet village and my father not knwoing what had jut happened looked very confused. I started saying to her, what's wrong, why did you go so crazy on the door and she just ignored me and said ' I needed the toilet, i needed to be heard'. It wasn't normal or right, at all. It was very very strange. She didn't just knock she attacked the front door. Unpredictable things like that make me very unnerved, I don't whether it's bullying, controlling or what. We went to visit my sister who's emigrated for her wedding and they rented a house that we lal stayed in, and on the first night, I had jet lag and went upstairs to sleep. The next morning my sister told me mum had gone mad and started telling her really strange things and started to try and make her feel bad. We'd been helping set up her marquee for her very laid back wedding in the garden and apparently mum had suddenly just started saying ' me and MArr just wanted to go home the toher day, we were So tired' out of the blue, for no reason. Out of context. My sister took a while to realise what was going on and announced to me she nearly told her this is why she moved, because of all the games. I'd never heard any of my siblings announce anything like that before. I always thought there was just something wrong with me, as all the attention was directed on how badly I behaved for years.
I'll stop there, thank you if you've managed to read it all! I just want to know if it sounds similar to anyone else's experience? Some of the examples sound so much worse for others that I do not want to annoy anyone but growing up with her has been very distressing and it's definitely shaped who we all are, which is quite isolated individuals. Either way, it would be nice to know/hear other people's stories smiley Thanks again.
 
D

DFox1983

New member
Joined
Mar 30, 2015
Messages
1
I found your post very interesting as i am beginning to suspect my own mother of having BPD, at the moment she is suffering from an array of physical symptoms but also she has for the last year suffered from excessive deterioration in her mental health....although she has suffered on and off from reactive depression all her adult life
Many facets can be explained by Anxiety/OCD conditions such as fixations and obsessions, but the awkward and difficult aspects seem to go beyond this.
At the moment she is in hospital because of physical conditions, but she constantly uses emotional blackmail against my father for not visiting her and then when he does go to visit her she is critical of him or tells him to go away, she seems to constantly resort to tears to get something she wants.
She accuses the hospital staff of being involved in a conspiracy against her, and when my father refused to go in for a period of time she started trying to get me to come in more often instead...even though when i'd visited her previously she had not been pleased to see me (in fact often was resistant to me coming in).
Before Xmas we wanted her to come with us to visit my brother in liverpool, she decided to stop taking her medication for both her physical and psychological ailments so that my father would feel bad about leaving her behind after she then claimed that she couldn't go because she was in fear due to issues with incontinence (and accessibility to motorway restrooms), she has locked my father out of his own house to prevent him from going to work and only let him back in once he had promised to stay home that day.
Reading your story there doesn't seem to be any kind of rational motive for your mother's behaviour, it seems very impulsive which is one of the criteria for BPD.
I also recognise the dichtomy of your mother being supportive of your mental health conditions and then trying to use them against you in my own mother as well.
My mother does not accept that in any way she has done anything wrong this past 12 months and everything she has done has somehow been justified by how she "perceives" other people have been with her.
Interestingly enough my father also has significant hearing loss, and has been known to try and tune out when it comes to my mother....unfortunately he is very short tempered and sensitive and will take her comments very much to heart and this tends to exacerbate the situation.
Can I ask have you ever spoken to your mother about your suspicions that she may suffer from BPD?.
 
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