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Undiagnosed BPD husband, walked out.

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heartbrokenwife

Member
Joined
Feb 11, 2019
Messages
8
Location
UK
Excuse the long post, but I am at a complete loss and have found myself turning to the internet and forums for answers.

My DH and I have been together for eight years, engaged for four and married for just 16 months. My bf and fiance were loving and kind and treated me as any woman would want to be treated.
He proposed three years into our relationship, and we were engaged for a further four, I am married at 20 and divorced at 21 and was nervous of embarking into marriage again, after four years we decided to elope to NYC and get married, which we did in September 2017, I was 32 and he 31.

And that's when things changed.

In January 2018, he started going out, a lot, drinking until the early hours of the morning and started an inappropriate friendship with a woman from work. So much so in his drunken state, he called me by her name on more than one occasion. His Google search history showed obsessive googling of her social media profiles, tracking her flights back from a holiday with her fiance amongst other things.

DH has always been a spender, a project starter but never finisher, but never an angry or abusive person.
In March last year, he came home at 5 am, he had been at a strip club, somewhere I had never known him to be frequent, and had spent almost 2000 on dances. Days before ground was to be broken on our extension.
I confronted him. He spiralled into a depressive state and said he wanted a divorce. This shocked me to my core; he said he didn't love me anymore and wanted out. We spent an entire day talking about it, and he changed his mind, a mere 12 hours later. We pressed ahead with our extension, as he insisted it was the right thing to do and he'd had a 'wobble', and he was sorry.

His friendship with the coworker continued, I tried to speak to him calmly and air my concerns about his friendship - I am ashamed to say I practically stalked him as I knew it was more than just friends.
DH got angrier and angrier, verbally abusing me - highlighting every insecurity I had about myself and trying to convince me I was going mad, even when I had printouts of hotel bookings. The closer I got, the angrier he got, yelling in July, that he wanted a divorce that I was effing crazy.

He pushed all his family away, who for all of our relationship he had been very close too. He didn't want to speak to anyone. He just wanted to go out and have fun and kept saying to me 'you think the party has to stop - well it doesn't'. He bought DJ equipment and started talking about going to Ibiza (he never used the equipment).
Multiple times he would accuse me of 'preventing his fun' when had gone out on benders and stood me up when we were supposed to be meeting for dinner, that I was bore etc. He would call me at midnight and ask me to leave keys under the doormat as he'd forgotten his and didn't want to come home. When I refused and said that was stupid and irresponsible, he would get verbally abusive and tell me "a good wife would do it".
He told me the drinking was an 'escape' from life; he even looked into andehonia as he said he felt nothing most of the time.

On more than one occasion he would tell me he 'wasn't happy' and a voice in his head was telling him he could be so much happier if he left me. He would tell me that the voice tells him he never loved me and that he shouldn't have asked me on a second date. He would leave for two-three days and then come back again. Willing to work on our marriage.
In August he asked for a more formal break to get his head together, he moved out for four weeks dropping several thousand on a bachelor pad on Airbnb. Much to my absolute horror.
At the end of the four weeks, he said he was sorry, he never had an affair, but he could see that it looked like that, and he blagged his way through all my questions about the hotels etc. Making promises that he openly admits now, he can't remember what he said.

He came home, and we started again. We managed three months (walking on eggshells) with him in what I would say a subdued state - neither manic nor depressive before it started again, and in this time he changed jobs.
On January 4th this year, he said he was 'unhappy' again, and he was going to get counselling. I told him I was getting slightly sick of being sighted for his constant unhappiness and that the grass wasn't greener on the other side and he needed to try and water the patch he was on.

A week later, he admitted he'd had an affair with the coworker, no it wasn't going on anymore, and they had ceased contact. He said although he felt bad about it, he didn't really feel much else. I was flabberghasted after all the torment and gaslighting the previous summer that had almost sent me to a facility. We agreed to take a break while we worked out what to do, and he could stay in the house, as he had said things like ' i am so ashamed' and 'i'd be better off dead', and I couldn't ask him to leave.

He started counselling to help him understand why he had cheated as he said he had no feelings for this woman, she had strong feelings for him and he just went along with it as it made him feel good. A week later he went on a business trip before he left he put his wedding ring back on and pulled me into a hug. When he returned from his week-long trip - he was like an excited child, he told me he'd missed me, and he loved me, and he was so so sorry, that he wanted to make things work, we had our first proper conversation in 8 years of our relationship - about everything. He wanted to book us a much needed holiday and quickly got to work. He went for his third counselling session on Tuesday. On Wednesday we booked two holidays.

All of this week he's been excited, happy almost hyper, all he wanted to talk about was our holidays with one in four weeks, one in August and I just about managed to get him to slow down and not book a holiday in September too.
On Saturday evening we went to bed like usual, he did seem a bit down, closed, pensive, and I had asked him if he was OK, which he assured me he was, he was just tired. We even talked just before sleep that we were going away in four weeks and couldn't wait.

Then on Sunday morning, I was woken by him kissing me on my forehead at 5 am and telling me through tears, he was leaving me and that his counsellor and him and had decided he didn't love me and he should end the relationship - for good this time. He said he doesn't' love me; he feels nothing towards me at all. He packed his bags and left, and I haven't heard from him since. Bear in mind counselling was Tuesday and he booked the holidays on Wednesday.
Now.. I appreciate this a long and winding story, and there are many explanations I am sure, and maybe just maybe someone can fall out of love whilst they're sleeping.. but having done my research, spoken to my GP this morning, his mother and my mother, we do believe its likely to be BPD.

I would, however, love to know your thoughts.. and also, what the hell should I do - I already know divorce is the sensible option, for my sanity. I've lost so much weight from the stress and had a body rash that won't go away - I don't love this man, I love the man I married. Dr Google tells me that marriage can actually be a trigger for BPD.. which would tally up with the timeline.

I am heartboken, confused and lost.

Thank you for listening/reading.
 
S

Snirexx

Member
Joined
Feb 4, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Ireland
What a mind fuck I'm so sorry your in this situation. He's lucky he has such a caring wife cos it's clear you know something's wrong and just want him help.
This is a tricky one because he sounds like he needs help but I can imagine you won't be allowed to get him involuntarily sectioned. And is he anywhere near thinking that he should go to a hospital? That it doesn't have to be so exhausting all the time.
If you can get him brought to a hospital where u are I'd strongly advise it. If he's gone off somewhere though that's easier said than done. Can you talk to any of his friends to see do they think the same as u and could they help?
 
H

heartbrokenwife

Member
Joined
Feb 11, 2019
Messages
8
Location
UK
n
What a mind fuck I'm so sorry your in this situation. He's lucky he has such a caring wife cos it's clear you know something's wrong and just want him help.
This is a tricky one because he sounds like he needs help but I can imagine you won't be allowed to get him involuntarily sectioned. And is he anywhere near thinking that he should go to a hospital? That it doesn't have to be so exhausting all the time.
If you can get him brought to a hospital where u are I'd strongly advise it. If he's gone off somewhere though that's easier said than done. Can you talk to any of his friends to see do they think the same as u and could they help?
Thank you so much for replying.

DH hasn't managed to keep any friends over the years (my fault, of course), he only wants people to go out drinking with - half the time he doesn't even know their surname. All our friends have grown up and had children, and they don't want to go out drinking until 5am as they have responsibilities now and also do not have his level of disposable income.

I've alerted his family which sadly live some way away and his sister is having a baby any day now. They don't seem to be taking my concerns seriously and just think our relationship has broken down, she said she would speak with him when he comes home at the end of the month to meet his nephew. I was flabberghasted she would leave it a 'few weeks'. DH has told them many times before that I am "mentally unstable" and I tell "lies". Therefore it's really tricky to manage, I've said that he's said he's made wild statements like "I'd be better off dead" and are they not concerned by this!? Apparently not.

Since I wrote the post, he's been in contact - sending a few text messages with messages of support for some important work commitments I've had, with kisses on the end, something he never usually does anyway - I haven't replied as I really don't know what to say. It's like Jekyll is back and Hyde has gone away again. It's only a matter of days before he tries to worm his way back into my affections.

I don't know where he is, or whether he is going to work - I would assume he is, as his manic state fits so well with his job in a position of authority with lots of people blowing smoke up his arse on a daily basis and he regularly takes himself off at lunchtime on a bender with a client or colleague and doesn't return to the office.

I don't really know what to do, my Dr said that unfortunately with BPD often if the person won't accept they need help, they have to hit rock rock rock bottom and have a healthcare professional step in. She has advised I keep my distance and let it work itself out. It's so hard to do when all I want to do is help, but it's like he's on another planet, he's completely unreachable.

If he makes proper contact with me, I will open dialogue with him about getting help. I emailed his counsellor with my concerns as I am fairly sure he's only going to counselling to get confirmation that he's fine and I am the issue... he's a very convincing liar. She said thank you but she obviously couldn't discuss things further.

Does this sound like BPD or is he just a narcissist?!
 
S

Snirexx

Member
Joined
Feb 4, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Ireland
n

Thank you so much for replying.

DH hasn't managed to keep any friends over the years (my fault, of course), he only wants people to go out drinking with - half the time he doesn't even know their surname. All our friends have grown up and had children, and they don't want to go out drinking until 5am as they have responsibilities now and also do not have his level of disposable income.

I've alerted his family which sadly live some way away and his sister is having a baby any day now. They don't seem to be taking my concerns seriously and just think our relationship has broken down, she said she would speak with him when he comes home at the end of the month to meet his nephew. I was flabberghasted she would leave it a 'few weeks'. DH has told them many times before that I am "mentally unstable" and I tell "lies". Therefore it's really tricky to manage, I've said that he's said he's made wild statements like "I'd be better off dead" and are they not concerned by this!? Apparently not.

Since I wrote the post, he's been in contact - sending a few text messages with messages of support for some important work commitments I've had, with kisses on the end, something he never usually does anyway - I haven't replied as I really don't know what to say. It's like Jekyll is back and Hyde has gone away again. It's only a matter of days before he tries to worm his way back into my affections.

I don't know where he is, or whether he is going to work - I would assume he is, as his manic state fits so well with his job in a position of authority with lots of people blowing smoke up his arse on a daily basis and he regularly takes himself off at lunchtime on a bender with a client or colleague and doesn't return to the office.

I don't really know what to do, my Dr said that unfortunately with BPD often if the person won't accept they need help, they have to hit rock rock rock bottom and have a healthcare professional step in. She has advised I keep my distance and let it work itself out. It's so hard to do when all I want to do is help, but it's like he's on another planet, he's completely unreachable.

If he makes proper contact with me, I will open dialogue with him about getting help. I emailed his counsellor with my concerns as I am fairly sure he's only going to counselling to get confirmation that he's fine and I am the issue... he's a very convincing liar. She said thank you but she obviously couldn't discuss things further.

Does this sound like BPD or is he just a narcissist?!
You have done all you can then.
I'm sure your not the only one who has noticed his erratic behavior. Before I was diagnosed I drank A LOT because I basically didn't understand why I was feeling the way I felt and I self medicated. This then exaggerated my ups and downs and made me feel so confused.
Your doctor sounds great and they are right. You've done all you can its such an awful situation when the person doesn't yet want or know they need help. I thought I was absolutely fine at times when I was out of control.
Rather than trying to analyze what exact medical condition he has I'd just try look after your own mental health right now..do you have family or friends you could visit or go to dinner with? You've got a lot on your plate and a distraction would do you good maybe:)
 
H

heartbrokenwife

Member
Joined
Feb 11, 2019
Messages
8
Location
UK
You have done all you can then.
I'm sure your not the only one who has noticed his erratic behavior. Before I was diagnosed I drank A LOT because I basically didn't understand why I was feeling the way I felt and I self medicated. This then exaggerated my ups and downs and made me feel so confused.
Your doctor sounds great and they are right. You've done all you can its such an awful situation when the person doesn't yet want or know they need help. I thought I was absolutely fine at times when I was out of control.
Rather than trying to analyze what exact medical condition he has I'd just try look after your own mental health right now..do you have family or friends you could visit or go to dinner with? You've got a lot on your plate and a distraction would do you good maybe:)
I do thankfully, and they’re being amazing. They’ve walked the whole road with me and not judged me each time I’ve taken him back. I’m very fortunate to have a fabulous support network and plan to get out of town for a few days and see my folks, which will be great as DH didn’t really like me seeing them, so we haven’t seen each other for a few months.

Thanks so much for your honesty and insight, it’s a unbelievable situation, I just want him to get help, but sadly I don’t think I can stay his wife. Too much damage has been done to the trust.
 
S

Snirexx

Member
Joined
Feb 4, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Ireland
I do thankfully, and they’re being amazing. They’ve walked the whole road with me and not judged me each time I’ve taken him back. I’m very fortunate to have a fabulous support network and plan to get out of town for a few days and see my folks, which will be great as DH didn’t really like me seeing them, so we haven’t seen each other for a few months.

Thanks so much for your honesty and insight, it’s a unbelievable situation, I just want him to get help, but sadly I don’t think I can stay his wife. Too much damage has been done to the trust.
I'm so glad you have lots of support you need it.. it's important for him that he gets help but it doesn't mean that your feeling ling's and well-being isn't just as important.
Him isolating you is unacceptable regardless of his possible illness. We only live once so life is too short to be unhappy for such a long time. Mind yourself:) and it's no problem I'm only new and it helps to talk to people so hope it's helped u somehow too.
 
H

heartbrokenwife

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Feb 11, 2019
Messages
8
Location
UK
I'm so glad you have lots of support you need it.. it's important for him that he gets help but it doesn't mean that your feeling ling's and well-being isn't just as important.
Him isolating you is unacceptable regardless of his possible illness. We only live once so life is too short to be unhappy for such a long time. Mind yourself:) and it's no problem I'm only new and it helps to talk to people so hope it's helped u somehow too.
it really has, thank you
 
Valka

Valka

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327
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England (NW)
Having read your post I really do feel for you. I've had a situation were my partner self admitted herself for depression, and came out having moved in with another guy. She was very abusive and manipulative. Nowhere near the same level I know, but I can relate.
You shouldn't have to put up with those actions he took, and it shows your good character of how you care about his well being after you were pushed around like that.

I hope you find someone who can truly make you feel happy again, and give you the respect you deserve!
 
H

heartbrokenwife

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Messages
8
Location
UK
Having read your post I really do feel for you. I've had a situation were my partner self admitted herself for depression, and came out having moved in with another guy. She was very abusive and manipulative. Nowhere near the same level I know, but I can relate.
You shouldn't have to put up with those actions he took, and it shows your good character of how you care about his well being after you were pushed around like that.

I hope you find someone who can truly make you feel happy again, and give you the respect you deserve!
I am so sorry for your situation. Sometimes I question my good character and just think I am a doormat and he knows it and that's why he gets away with it. It is such an exhausting situation to be in and I don't think I have ever felt so utterly empty in my entire life. He has tried to destroy me; picked apart every part of my character, from the way I look to my abilities as a businesswoman, my family - trying to make me choose between them and him as he says they're crazy and fill my head with nonsense. Last summer when I was trying to get him help, he made up a load of rubbish about what his mum had said about me, to stop me talking with her about him and make me feel like I couldn't trust anyone. I was in the darkest place I've been in my life, where I felt like I was the one with the mental health issues. He convinced me I needed help - I went to a counsellor who said: "you don't need to be here - he does, you need to leave him and I know that's not something I should be saying but I am very concerned for your well-being". She was genuinely worried when at the end of the six weeks I said, nope we're giving things another go.

I just want him to get proper help, his behaviour is irrational, impulsive and dangerous and last summer when he was in one of his screaming rages (which I should add I have never ever seen in him in the previous seven years) we were standing at the top of the stairs and for a fleeting moment I thought he was going to push me, and I could see it flicker across his face too and see the twitch in his arms as he was considering raising them, but thankfully he didn't and I moved to the side so he couldn't push me anyway.

This isn't him - his face has even changed, he doesn't look like the man I married, the light has gone from his eyes and his smile is more of a grimace. He behaves as someone possessed.

I have no familiarity with BP or even personality disorders - is this what happens?
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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I'm sorry you have had such and long and protracted experience with him. All the borderline personality disorder people I have known have destroyed our relationship half way into it. They attacked me verbally and then did not acknowledge that they did anything wrong. So there was no way to have both parties apologize and go on. I avoid BPD people now.
 
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heartbrokenwife

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That's just it, the not acknowledging they've done anything wrong.

He threw a glass drinks bottle to me the other day and it was a bad throw and smacked me in the hip bone and really hurt, I yelped and he just looked at me like I was being pathetic. I said "ouch" followed by a pause and then "are you going to apologise?" and he said "Apologise for the fact you can't catch? No."

He blames me for everything! Anything he can blame on me, he does. Nothing is ever his fault, it's either his boss, or someone else at work, or me, or the dog. Never ever him.

And worse still, he can never ever remember these situations and says that I make them up. It's exhausting.




I'm sorry you have had such and long and protracted experience with him. All the borderline personality disorder people I have known have destroyed our relationship half way into it. They attacked me verbally and then did not acknowledge that they did anything wrong. So there was no way to have both parties apologize and go on. I avoid BPD people now.
 
Valka

Valka

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I can again relate to how nothing is ever the fault of the partner.
It does unfortunately sound more and more like an abusive relationship. And as much as mental health can be a factor in these things, you shouldn't have to put up with that as being an excuse for such behaviour and feeling like you have to put up with such dangerous behaviour either.

Very sorry you've had to put up with this! :c
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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I wouldn't stay with anyone who threw things at me. And the way he talks to you; Life is shorter than you realize; You don't want to waste the time of your life on this sort of "relationship".
 
H

heartbrokenwife

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I wouldn't stay with anyone who threw things at me. And the way he talks to you; Life is shorter than you realize; You don't want to waste the time of your life on this sort of "relationship".
That is much how I feel, I'm almost 34 and have spent the best part of my life, with the wrong person, and it's killing me.
 
Valka

Valka

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Don't look at it like that HBW. I know it can seem like that, but myself having come out of a 5 year abusive 'wasted' relationship I thought that myself at first, like I'm just turning 30 and missed the train so to speak.
But just think of it like, how you've had a crappy relationship with this person you'll appreciate the good ones in the future.
 
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