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Elvira Weisshaupt
New member
Hey guys, I'm writing to you because I seek advice regarding treatment for my mental health issues. Short resummee of my therapy history: I have done 11 years of psychoanalytical psychotherapy, 1 year of client-centered psychotherapy, 1 year of schema therapy and 2 years of trauma therapy, none of it which seem to have significantly altered the core of my prioblem. I have been diagnosed with anankastic personality disorder, anxiety disorder and autism spectrum disoder, but none of these diagnoses seem to grasp the core of my problem. I'll try to describe to you in a few sentences what it's like to live in my head: I generally don't have a sense of a self that is seperated from other people. When I'm by myself, I can only think more complex thoughts imagining that people are listening and confirming my thoughts and perceptions. I generally have the feeling that only other peoples thoughts, feelings and perceptions are real, not my own. My own feelings and perceptions can seem real when they are confirmed by others. I can never enter a state of opposition to others. I feel that I only exist for others, to satisfy THEIR needs and expectations. If my own perceptions or thoughts are not "confirmed" by someone, they seem to dissolve and cease to exist. What others think (whether they are actually present or I just think about them) is (to me) the actual reality. What I think doesn't count, as if I didn't even exist. All this regards the EMOTIONAL level, on a cognitive level I know that I'm seperate, I have my own ideas and I'm not delusional. But even there I need people to confirm my ideas for me to be able to see them as true.
To me, it seems very clear what my problem is and where I want to get from here - I want to develop the sense of a separate self, I want to be able to believe in my own perceptions without continuous approval, I want my own feelings and needs to feel more central to me than those of other people. But somehow it seems that psychology doesn't have a name for this. I even went though a complex diagnostic procedure at a psychological university that lasted half a year, and the main reason why it took so long was that apparently they couldn't find a box to put me in. They had to consult with the director, they did the same tests over and over again, they aven suspected I might be schizophrenic (which I am clearly not) and ended up by putting me into the "autism spectrum" box which however doesn't seem helpful. The "problem" was that I don't fulfill enough criteria for either borderline or anxiety disorder, let alone psychotic disorders. So apparently my "problem" is rare, but still there have to be other folks out there who suffer from similar issues. If any of you do, I'd like to know what helped you, in terms of therapy methods, ressources or other forums/threads where I might find advice. Thanks.
To me, it seems very clear what my problem is and where I want to get from here - I want to develop the sense of a separate self, I want to be able to believe in my own perceptions without continuous approval, I want my own feelings and needs to feel more central to me than those of other people. But somehow it seems that psychology doesn't have a name for this. I even went though a complex diagnostic procedure at a psychological university that lasted half a year, and the main reason why it took so long was that apparently they couldn't find a box to put me in. They had to consult with the director, they did the same tests over and over again, they aven suspected I might be schizophrenic (which I am clearly not) and ended up by putting me into the "autism spectrum" box which however doesn't seem helpful. The "problem" was that I don't fulfill enough criteria for either borderline or anxiety disorder, let alone psychotic disorders. So apparently my "problem" is rare, but still there have to be other folks out there who suffer from similar issues. If any of you do, I'd like to know what helped you, in terms of therapy methods, ressources or other forums/threads where I might find advice. Thanks.
