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under the radar...

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maggiex

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**potentially triggering**

I have anorexia and bulimia. I was sectioned and hospitalised two years ago, where I was put on an ng feeding tube. I still regularly see my psychiatrist and cpn but it seems like my eating disorder has gone under the radar...
This has resulted in me going back to old habits. I'm counting to extremes, purging and skipping meals. My doctor doesn't weigh me anymore or take bloods so I feel as though I can do it without getting noticed. I don't like asking for help so I'm not type of person who will tell anyone about it. I don't know what to do. I feel like this is my life now (again) but this time, there will be no end, until...Well, fill the blank.
 
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prairiechick

prairiechick

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Maggie, I am sorry you are struggling so much. This time of year can be especially difficult for people with eating disorders, and the holidays seem to revolve so much around food. I could tell you to talk to your doctor or cpn about going back to old habits, but I would be a total hypocrite because I am also doing unhealthy things around food right now. That being said, I am not at a danger point right now. If you are in danger, then I definitely think you should seek help. I know it's hard, because there may be a part of you that still wants the eating disorder. It's scary to let it go when it's been a part of you for so long, but no one wants you to die.
 
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maggiex

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If I could believe that last bit, then maybe it would make a difference...
Losing weight is the only thing I am good at, though. Without it, I'm useless. I hate them but love & need them. In my eyes, skinny = happy. :unsure:
 
prairiechick

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I know how you feel, especially about skinny = happy. I am currently very overweight, but I have been thin before and was a lot happier then. Are there any foods that are safe foods for you that you could eat and not purge afterwards? Like vegetables and fruit? I'm not saying that's the only thing you should eat in the long term, but knowing how few calories are in most veggies and fruit, and knowing that it's healthy for you, might help keep you from purging.
If I could believe that last bit, then maybe it would make a difference...
Losing weight is the only thing I am good at, though. Without it, I'm useless. I hate them but love & need them. In my eyes, skinny = happy. :unsure:
 
Mayfair

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:welcome: to the forums btw :)

If I could believe that last bit, then maybe it would make a difference...
Losing weight is the only thing I am good at, though. Without it, I'm useless. I hate them but love & need them. In my eyes, skinny = happy. :unsure:
Well, after 2 people posting, prairie doesn't, and I don't either, and that's having known you only with reading 2 short pieces of text about you.

Has the Christmas holidays made you feel worse? That's a common theme amongst a lot of members in here (across the board, not just ED forum).
 
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maggiex

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I no longer have safe foods. Nothing is safe...
I don't want to get caught because I know (I've been warned) I'll end up back in the eating disorder unit, before it gets too extreme again and last time I was in there, I came out overweight. It's been such a struggle to lose the weight both physically and mentally. I was simply fed in the unit, I wasn't treated. I simply can't face that again but I can't face eating. I feel as though I am at a complete dead end...
 
prairiechick

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I wish I knew what to say. It makes me furious the way ed units just take away all your freedom and make you eat or tube you. I've never been in an ed unit because in spite of my eating disorder I've never been underweight, so I've never been seen as being in danger. But with my obsession with getting thin again I've watched a lot of ed documentaries, most of which happen to be filmed in the UK. It makes me angry because for people with eating disorders, control, or lack of control in life is a huge issue. Then to have the one thing you can control taken away from you is so incredibly frustrating and humiliating. I think it would be much better to involve patients in making healthy choices and preparing the food, rather than putting a bunch of crappy, high fat foods on a plate in front of them.

I am sorry that there are no safe foods for you, but I am glad that you are reading out on this forum, because that does show that a part of you does want help. It sounds like you are very tired of having to cope with an eating disorder.
 
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maggiex

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Yeah, I couldn't agree more. They treat you like battery hens: cage you, make you fat and destroy your life.
With this dead end I'm at, I feel as though there is no way except back. It's scary. I am terrified. I already have early osteoporosis after not eating and purging. I'm scared so, so scared.
I have numerous other mh problems, including bpd, which makes me act on impulse, so if I get the idea that I want to lose weight, I do it. I don't weigh up pros and cons. My stupid, messed up head just goes ahead and does it.
Really starting to hate myself.
 
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diabolicalme

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Hi Maggie, I don't want you or anyone here to die!!!!! Don't know where you are but I'm wondering if you can get treatment for your bpd? I'm having DBT right now & it's supposed to really help with eating disorders & impulsivity amongst other things...but I know it's not available everywhere. Even some sort of CBT could help, and anything's gotta be better than that fattening farm you went thru. I think it's dreadful their approach in there and also that your psych & CPN seem to have lost interest in your EDs. There are people here who care about you, it really is a shitty time of year to get thru for all of us with EDs and I also get the skinny=happy constant battles in my head even tho they make me ill. You need help with your overall MH state, not just forcefeeding. Please see if there's anything else like CBT available for you?? Hope you're ok.
 
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Deliah

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Hey sweet heart, Only you can change things. I'm interested that you say thin = happy. I am thinking that you are thin because you have a eating disorder and are concerned about going back into the unit. I am also certain that you're not happy, so thin doesn't = happy and there is no evidence of that at all. Happy comes from within. If you live your live believing, 'I'll be happy when I have this, that or the other', then you will never be happy. Happy is now. I highly recommend mindfulness training. I don't believe that eating disorders have anything to do with food, but more to do with the mind and how we view ourselves. The good news is, that we can change that. Find a good therapist who does mindfulness training to work with you. You are not your body, or your mind. You are beautiful, we all are. Love D xxxxx
 

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