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Unbelievably depressed and living in constant fear

D

DoglegBend

New member
Joined
Feb 18, 2021
Messages
1
Location
USA
I am a 31 year old man, who from the outside has everything going for him. I own my own house, have a great job, got to travel a lot before Covid hit.

But I am unbelievably depressed, and I live in constant fear.

A lot of this started 2 years ago when I lost my father suddenly, I was able to get him to a hospital in time before his massive heart attack but he died right there in the hospital. Something that haunts me to this day. I was very very close with him and have never been able to recover from his death.

That day I lost my hero, my rock, and my foundation and have been trying to rebuild ever since.

Couple that with my unbelievable fear and the fact that a lot of my dreams for the future seem to be stripped away from me, and I just don't feel like going on anymore.

I am a conservative who works in tech. And my company and many other companies I know of, have been targeting and firing many of us. I've kept an unbelievably low profile and never said anything against the grain at my company or where I work for fear of retribution for the last 4 years I've worked here. But the fear of someone finding out and firing me and blacklisting me at other companies haunts me everyday and I live in constant fear over that. That at any moment my life could be ruined if someone found out about that.

I feel like even posting here I'll be judged and hated and it's one of the reasons I don't get professional help, but at least here I can be anonymous.

This drills down deeper, as it's not just losing my job. But I have been writing a book, and been working on a company from the ground up that will probably need funding. I don't think I'll be able to do either of those things anymore if anyone found out my views. I feel hopeless and like most of my dreams that I've been working on for the last several years have been pointless and my future is destroyed. Maybe this is a symptom of where I live, or who I know, or what people say to my face thinking I'm on the same team, but it's truly ruined my life.

I desperately want help.

I want to do good things for other people and at least help some people that want to still be here.

Currently I am teaching under privileged kids how to program at my local homeless shelter/jobs center. Two of them I might actually be able to change their lives, they seem pretty dedicated.

I am also currently on the donor registration to give a kidney,

And might be giving up some bone marrow to a child and a children's hospital to me soon, apparently finding matches is very hard, and I might be one although I'll have to travel a couple states away.

I don't really know why I'm writing this, I don't feel like I have any future or reasons to live anymore, and am completely unable to feel joy anymore.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
A

Alexander Ypsilantis

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
1,120
Location
USA
It would be a big mistake to do that. You're obviously intelligent and have a lot going for you.

I have clinical depression as well and have battled that demon since I was a teenager. It's gotten really bad a few times during my life, I've been where you are more than once. Fortunately, people stepped into my life and made decisions for me when I was unable to do so myself. I was put in a hospital once, which ended up being a really beneficial act. I was put through lots of coping skills training which helped me out quite a bit.

Let me tell you a dirty little secret-I'm a conservative as well. My company is getting pretty woke, but I doubt they would ever do anything to those of us who aren't. Not that I share my views with anyone else, we're too busy focusing on work in my company-not much time for anything else. It's better to keep politics and religion out of the workplace, in my experience.

At any rate, you have too much to offer the world to focus on leaving it. You'll get over the grief from your father's passing and recognize that there are things that make life worthwhile. It's not all a depressing slodge-not even for those of us who have chemical imbalances which cause us to experience depression worse than average folks. You can and have contributed to the betterment of the world, don't diminish that by ignoring it.

If you're really in a bad place and can't shake yourself out of it, seek psychiatric help immediately. You sound like you have pretty good insurance to fall back on, use it. Once when i was in really bad shape my psychiatrist 'took over' and had me put in hospital-she refused to listen to my arguments. And she did the exact correct thing, I was beyond dealing rationally and hadn't eaten, drank fluids or slept in days. Every good man or woman can reach a breaking point, if events conspire against them. It's nothing to be ashamed of. But please communicate with someone who can make decisions to help you, that's what you need now.
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
822
Location
Punta Gorda, Florida, USA
I empathize with you. Since you said you have a plan and you have intent to end your life, you need to be hospitalized right away--like NOW! I see a psychiatrist and I mention to him regularly that I have passive suicidal thoughts, but that doesn't get his attention. When I did mention to him on another occasion that I was planning on riding my scooter into an oncoming truck, that was an active suicidal thought, and he had me hospitalized right then and there. YOU NEED TO BE HOSPITALIZED TODAY! PERHAPS YOU CAN SELF-REFER YOURSELF INTO THE HOSPITAL. CALL 911 SO THAT YOU CAN BE ADMITTED TODAY! TODAY! DON'T PUT IT OFF! TODAY MEANS TODAY!
 
G

goodgollymiss

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 6, 2017
Messages
738
I'm too stupid for any political party
 
E

EclipticNight

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2020
Messages
412
Location
Orleans vermont.
Ok let me tackle some of these issues.

Im a liberal. That means what? We think differently? Does anyone agree on a favorite color or best car? Best day of the week or smell? Of course not, no one agrees with anything. Thats what makes us strong. It takes all kinds to see a problem and find a solution. I know there is a huge divide right now between parties but you are not my enemy and i value your opinion as much as my own.

Im so sorry to hear about your father. I know how hard it is to loose loved ones. Your father does still live in a way, in you. You are his child, half his genetics are in you. Killing yourself ends whats left of him.

For the most part the rest is based on fear. You fear being fired, not having a future etc. Your only 31. You just started your life. You literally have your entire life's worth of years ahead of you for your career. Thats insane to consider. From the time you were born till now you will be part of the work force and you have needed skills. You don't need to sprint for the finish, just walk.

As an aside, im a computer person as well and a science guy. Suicide will destroy your organs. Your blood will clot and the organs will starve. Organ harvesting needs to be done fast which is why its done at the hospital. You have no way to stop the decay, after 6 minutes they are all worthless. If you want your organs to save lives you need to die naturally in the hospital, suiside will always destroy them.

As a final bit, I've felt as you do. Death feels like a good idea now but you wont accomplish anything by dieing. Planning is also easy but fighting your natural drive to survive is much harder. How about this, at least for now wait until everything does fall apart? If you end up jobless and hated come here and tell us and we will help. Your to nice a person to die. The world needs people like you.
 
TiredTina

TiredTina

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Admin
Moderator
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Messages
46,486
Location
West Sussex, England
If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
 
A

azlan

Member
Joined
Feb 17, 2021
Messages
10
Location
Earth
You are a beautiful and a perfect soul who has his own views and that is what makes you different than anyone else. You haven't done anything wrong to anybody, try to heal, try to forgive yourself and for that take baby steps. First of all you should believe that there is nothing wrong in having views of your own. Baby steps towards healing towards recovery. Also, if you think that they would fire you let me tell you that there are a lot of companies looking for people like you, you can easily find work in any other country even if not your own. Believe in yourself and I am saying all this because I am going through the same stuff.
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
2,031
Location
Southern USA
I empathize with you. Since you said you have a plan and you have intent to end your life, you need to be hospitalized right away--like NOW! I see a psychiatrist and I mention to him regularly that I have passive suicidal thoughts, but that doesn't get his attention. When I did mention to him on another occasion that I was planning on riding my scooter into an oncoming truck, that was an active suicidal thought, and he had me hospitalized right then and there. YOU NEED TO BE HOSPITALIZED TODAY! PERHAPS YOU CAN SELF-REFER YOURSELF INTO THE HOSPITAL. CALL 911 SO THAT YOU CAN BE ADMITTED TODAY! TODAY! DON'T PUT IT OFF! TODAY MEANS TODAY!
That's not always true.
You can have an active thought but not act upon it.
I do it all the time.
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
2,031
Location
Southern USA
I am a 31 year old man, who from the outside has everything going for him. I own my own house, have a great job, got to travel a lot before Covid hit.

But I am unbelievably depressed, and I live in constant fear.

A lot of this started 2 years ago when I lost my father suddenly, I was able to get him to a hospital in time before his massive heart attack but he died right there in the hospital. Something that haunts me to this day. I was very very close with him and have never been able to recover from his death.

That day I lost my hero, my rock, and my foundation and have been trying to rebuild ever since.

Couple that with my unbelievable fear and the fact that a lot of my dreams for the future seem to be stripped away from me, and I just don't feel like going on anymore.

I am a conservative who works in tech. And my company and many other companies I know of, have been targeting and firing many of us. I've kept an unbelievably low profile and never said anything against the grain at my company or where I work for fear of retribution for the last 4 years I've worked here. But the fear of someone finding out and firing me and blacklisting me at other companies haunts me everyday and I live in constant fear over that. That at any moment my life could be ruined if someone found out about that.

I feel like even posting here I'll be judged and hated and it's one of the reasons I don't get professional help, but at least here I can be anonymous.

This drills down deeper, as it's not just losing my job. But I have been writing a book, and been working on a company from the ground up that will probably need funding. I don't think I'll be able to do either of those things anymore if anyone found out my views. I feel hopeless and like most of my dreams that I've been working on for the last several years have been pointless and my future is destroyed. Maybe this is a symptom of where I live, or who I know, or what people say to my face thinking I'm on the same team, but it's truly ruined my life.

I desperately want help.

I want to do good things for other people and at least help some people that want to still be here.

Currently I am teaching under privileged kids how to program at my local homeless shelter/jobs center. Two of them I might actually be able to change their lives, they seem pretty dedicated.

I am also currently on the donor registration to give a kidney,

And might be giving up some bone marrow to a child and a children's hospital to me soon, apparently finding matches is very hard, and I might be one although I'll have to travel a couple states away.

I don't really know why I'm writing this, I don't feel like I have any future or reasons to live anymore, and am completely unable to feel joy anymore.
Welcome here and as someone else said.....please use your insurance and get help.
It's completely against the law to fire you because of politics but that should not even be discussed.
Like religion.
Best luck on your journey.
Everything will get better.
 
C

Confused one

Member
Joined
Feb 18, 2021
Messages
10
Location
Illinois
Brother, you babe a lot to live for. You’re still young! Your political views should stay within you alone and not be shared. Also, if you’re thinking about ending your life then brother you need HELP!

Reading your post tells me that you care about others and you have a good heart. I understand your heart is broken because of you dads passing but just think about this for a moment... You got to experience what’s having a father. Thus life is unfair and things happen you got to enjoy his presence, I grew up without a father or a mother and I often envy those that have such a thing because I never did so be grateful. Please please and I beg of you to seek help.
 
A

Alexander Ypsilantis

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 3, 2020
Messages
1,120
Location
USA
There's tons of liberals that work in tech.
There are tons of conservatives that work in industry as well. The industry is evenly divided, as is the USA as a whole. I rarely discuss politics at work because that's not the place for it, but if I was ever fired for my political beliefs I would sue my company for big money. That is against the law and shouldn't be tolerated-ever. DoglegBend should realize that fear has no substance, his company can't do anything about that. At the same time, keep your politics in office to yourself. Office is for work to earn living, everything other than that is for your personal time.

But, back to the main discussion, I hope DlB seeks professional help and immediately. I have been where he is and it is not a good place. When you get that far into ideation, it's very serious. The time to seek help is now, not later. No excuses. And trust me, I speak from experience.
 
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