Unbelievably bad service /trigger warning/signs/not getting help

[TearyEyedx]

My support worker called me today which I wasn’t expecting him to. I woke up feeling a bit okay and then he phoned.
I asked him about seeing a psychologist, I’ve never seen one since being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
He told me that there is two psychologists available in the area, however it would be a year or more waiting on the list and he said I’m not guaranteed a psychologist even if I get a referral.
These two psychologists he was talking about has a past with someone in my family and one of them is highly rude, I had met her at a group setting and I never wanted to hear her name again but he kept saying it, he kept asking me what happened and I was not gonna go into detail about it because it’s really upsetting.
I asked him if I could see someone further away from me, and he said probably not. There was literally no hole in this man’s voice. I was getting upset obviously and he kept asking about the past. I finally broke and told him to stop.
he also went on to tell me that it’s up to the psychologist to take my case. He said he’s away to talk to the team and see what other options I have but he made it clear to me that there wasn’t.
it would be highly unlikely for someone to take my case as it would be challenging for them.. he told me there is no cure for borderline which I already know, but I was the one who brought up the fact that there are medication that can help with the side effects such as anxiety and panic, and he said talking therapy would be in-fact very traumatic at the start which I knew about, but he was soooooo eager to tell me how traumatic it would be. He didn’t say anything positive at all, and this is the guy who’s my support worker!!
I honestly think the universe is trying to tell me I’m not going to get help. Ever. I’ve fought for it for eight years and he’s so negative I feel like crap, I told him I was upset but he didn’t try anything. He kept saying “I’m here to regulate your emotions” and I’m so tired of hearing that stupid words. What does that mean?? I feel worse than I ever did, and I’ve had lots of experiences with the mental health team, and they sometimes have went horribly wrong, but this guy? I can’t believe he’s in charge as he’s one of the most negative people I’ve ever met, by the end of the phone call, I honestly was just saying nothing staring at my mom who was shaking her head as she was frustrated too. I have asked and asked for someone else, but no matter what, that’s not happening. He’s made another appointment with me for next Wednesday, they are so bad, I’m going to record every single one now because I know it’s not normal to feel suicidal after speaking to YOUR support worker, he’s called me four times now and “I’m here to regulate your emotions” is one of his favourite things to say.
I cannot win in this case!! then to put the nail in the coffin as to speak, he told me that it would be those two psychologists who would handle my referral. I would rather die than tell them about my life.... he brings things up over and over which is upsetting to me which I’ve told him to stop. He’s shouted at me in the second phone call which my mom overheard.
I just think I can’t be helped or they don’t want to... but I have no more words because this person who I’ve never met is making me feel worse than anyone else has in my life..

 

[Tawny]

We have wellbeing services now, that your GP can refer you to. They have counsellors and psychologists, and many other services, and every single person receives help. The GP also has a mental health nurse who triages patients and refers them to suitable places. The worst cases go to the secondary services, the mental health teams.

Presumably you were a more severe case and were referred to secondary services? And were given a support worker because you had higher needs. It doesn't make sense to me that someone who needs more, is seeing a jumped up little twit. A GP has more talent in their little finger, i think, that this support worker. Unsupportive worker, you might call him. It sounds like the authority has gone to his head, and he has taken on the role of moaning about the poor NHS and how they only have two psychologists and lots of patients... blah blah.

You could contact PALS, write to the psychiatrist, or i would personally go and talk to my GP and explain how you are stuck and in need. The GP has so much experience of this all, will contact the CMHT, not the unsupportive worker, or give you great advice. If they don't, go and see a different GP. You do not have to wait over a year, you just have to speak to the right person about help.

 

[bpd2020]

I think Tawny is right. Something needs to be done about this. I was so shocked when you said you have not had therapy for 8 years. I do not know if this is due to this unsupportive worker or something else but no waiting list is that long. You are in within your rights to refuse to see a therapist who you have had a bad experience with too.

I totally understand your frustration and why you feel there is no point. You have been very let down by the services that are there to support you. I actually find you very brave for continuing to seek support and not discharging yourself. It shows you have fight in you. You deserve to get support.

 

[Nukelavee]

I would rather die than tell them about my life.... he brings things up over and over which is upsetting to me which I’ve told him to stop. He’s shouted at me in the second phone call which my mom overheard.

him shouting at you, as well as the rest of his attitude, is a serious issue. I don't blame you for being upset.

at the same time, while I don't want you to think I agree with this guy, he has one thing right. Talk therapy can be very helpful, and very hard to go through, especially at first. The thing is, for it to do you any good, at some point you have to discuss your past, and how you relate to it now.

I know it's hard to face, but, maybe, you can try discussing some of it with the referral doctors, just to get used to the idea of actually talking to a therapist.

I really feel for you -you need some help, and the process is making you feel worse. Don't give up, trust me, the good talking can do will, eventually, outweigh the pain and fear.

You deserve to feel better, don't let one gobknobbler of a support worker ruin this for you.

 

[TearyEyedx]

He said to me that it’s highly unlikely that a psychologist will take on my case as it’s very challenging.. I feel an eerie calm coming over again like that September night and I’m not gonna lie.. there is a way out

 

[bpd2020]

Please do not hurt yourself. Do not let this total fool end your life. Look how far you have come and how much we all care about you.

 

[TearyEyedx]

My sister last night was making comments about my past overdose... and then today she said “you don’t let the devil in twice” after I mentioned the fact that she hadn’t unblocked me since our falling out. My mom also said to me, that tomorrow is big day for my sister so I better not ruin it.. and that I’m selfish because I brought up what happened today...

 

[bpd2020]

What an awful thing your sister said. To call you the devil is so cruel. I am so sorry your mum always seems to side with her too.

 

[TearyEyedx]

25 overdoses..
5 hospital stays in mental hospitals
1 night I was sectioned and I was the one who was made to feel guilty because of the way I was.. the way I am..
I am not a selfish person, I just needed someone to talk to without being judged.

 

[bpd2020]

You are not selfish at all. You are hurting and in a lot of pain. I did not realise you have had 5 hospital stays. Did it help at the time?

 

[TearyEyedx]

You are not selfish at all. You are hurting and in a lot of pain. I did not realise you have had 5 hospital stays. Did it help at the time?

No, they were just like going to a hotel. You could come and go anytime you wanted. It was unpleasant every time but back then I was naive and thought things would get better

 

[Nukelavee]

the more I think about it, the even more out of line this guy seems. Upon reflection, I think you made the right choice not to go into detail about your issues with the two available doctors. Not simply because it's your business, but I could see somebody like that using your comments to create drama.

back then I was naive and thought things would get better

Getting better takes a lot of time and effort, and belief it's possible. There are no miracles, no real shortcuts, just steadily working to understand your issues, and untangle them from yourself.

If you believe it is worth the effort and pain, you are more likely to work towards a breakthrough

If you are at all like me, it's incredibly daunting to look at the huge knot of issues and traumas making you miserable, like it is an impossible task. And, when you see it as one big thing to fix, it may well be impossible.

but, many times, if we spend the time to pick away at one small aspect of it, just unknot one tangle, our view changes. We don't see a solid block of stone between us and a worthwhile life, we see that it is made of smaller blocks, and that some of them aren't as solidly placed as we thought.

And so we can slowly chip away at things.

You deserve to be, if not super happy all the time, at least content and secure in your life. therapy may give you that - so, please, don't get discouraged.

I mean, if I can manage to get out from under my issues, you can do this, too.*

*I don't mean to imply my stuff was ever so much worse than your life, so you should have it easy. I wasted a lot of time ignoring decent advice, hiding from my issues, and half-assing my initial efforts.

 

[Tawny]

I have been through so much too, with illness and family. I also found the NHS at times to do more harm than good. I never received much support from anyone. The cat was so helpful as was the mental health community either in person at gardening projects or online forums, samaritans on the phone or by email and text. I used all help available and it was the charities that helped me the most. I went to fitness classes and painting classes through the college also.

Books written by people who had been through depression and hard times also helped.

There is so much out there in addition to the NHS, there are so many amazing people who have been through just what you and I have been through and felt just like we all fall. It is a huge fight to stay alive which is why when people get better, they are desperate to help others see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Some believe it is only those who have suffered that can help those who are suffering. I truly believe my psychiatrist, who had lost most of her family in a car accident, was so amazing because of that. She knew sadness.

There are some very special people who have amazing skill and empathy too. Some psychologists and counsellors are so good at their job that therapy would not be as traumatic and triggering as your unsupportive worker says. You are not the first person to be a high suicide risk, i would think there are millions of people equally unwell right now. There are i am sure people who have died from suicide today, due to having been turned away from help yesterday.

It is very important you do not become one of those people. Many people you have never even met and sending you love and protection from accidental fatal overdose. Don't let your family and unsupportive people end your life. You will one day be happier and be able to cope with the hell you feel. It is not easy, but we are all here. Keep looking around for any bit of help. If something makes you feel worse, leave it. You have to be extra careful with your feelings and not let others trigger you. This support worker is causing you to feel suicidal. He may be a nice person but he is not helpful to you, and you need to confidently protect your soul. You need a force field up around you and be cautious what you let in until you are feeling stronger.

You are not well

 

[TearyEyedx]

the more I think about it, the even more out of line this guy seems. Upon reflection, I think you made the right choice not to go into detail about your issues with the two available doctors. Not simply because it's your business, but I could see somebody like that using your comments to create drama.


Getting better takes a lot of time and effort, and belief it's possible. There are no miracles, no real shortcuts, just steadily working to understand your issues, and untangle them from yourself.

If you believe it is worth the effort and pain, you are more likely to work towards a breakthrough

If you are at all like me, it's incredibly daunting to look at the huge knot of issues and traumas making you miserable, like it is an impossible task. And, when you see it as one big thing to fix, it may well be impossible.

but, many times, if we spend the time to pick away at one small aspect of it, just unknot one tangle, our view changes. We don't see a solid block of stone between us and a worthwhile life, we see that it is made of smaller blocks, and that some of them aren't as solidly placed as we thought.

And so we can slowly chip away at things.

You deserve to be, if not super happy all the time, at least content and secure in your life. therapy may give you that - so, please, don't get discouraged.

I mean, if I can manage to get out from under my issues, you can do this, too.*

*I don't mean to imply my stuff was ever so much worse than your life, so you should have it easy. I wasted a lot of time ignoring decent advice, hiding from my issues, and half-assing my initial efforts.

ive put in a complaint about him. It’s unbelievable the way he’s been treating me and lying about things to me.

 

[TearyEyedx]

I haven’t slept in nearly 26 hours. So I feel kinda emotional about everything right now. But now I’m mad.
I found out today that what my “support” worker said to me THREE times that there isn’t anyone else available, but however I went looking for the truth and I found it.
He told me three times that he’s the only support worker available so I would have to see him “to regulate my emotions” seriously wanting to scream right now or cry! I don’t know he’s that frustrating because he still won’t go until detail about how he was going to help me. But help regulate my emotions. What does that mean??? He never explains anything.
anyway, I Got talking to another support worker today and I asked him “are there other support workers working right now” and THERE IS!!! The one I used to see back in 2018. But he told me that he was the only one. AND I found out too, they are taking referrals!!! They are!! He completely ruined my life in four phone calls! I don’t understand why he didn’t tell me the truth. Why would he do that? I have no clue as to why he would do that to me, because he knew I was having crisis after crisis, and he wouldn’t let me speak to anyone else. I’m so angry I really want to hurt myself, because I was fooled. He lied to me, since day one, I asked him straight away “please can I talk to someone else”

“LET ME TALK” he shouted which my mom overheard, so there are witnesses. I cried for hours after talking to him yesterday. He told me that it’s Highly unlikely that a psychologist would take on my case because it’a challenging. Like is this guy trying to help or actually make me die??
I’ve never experienced this before with anyone. Never. I put in a complaint about him last night. He is no use!! None at all, he’s lied to me, and that’s one thing I do not forget easily....

I mean what’s the point of him hiding these other workers from me? He’s very keen on wanting to meet me with my psychiatrist, that’s next month. He wants to build a relationship, but I told him I don’t want him as my support worker... he just ignores me... omg So MUCH LIES!!!