unbelievable

K

killswitchon

Guest
#1
Hi guys and gals,
Don't know where to start here or where exactly to post because I've never received a proper diagnosis over the past 4-5 years of going through this monotonous, horrific mental health torture of a journey so I decided to post in this particular one because I would describe it as an "other" experience. I have been a member of this forum since 2009 when things really started to crash and burn for me and have been more of an observer on here since that time. I'm not really a talker when it comes to forums and such. Always been more of a reader but I'm so heartbroken right now. Not just heartbroken but my mind feels broken. Like I'm a shadow of a shadow of a shadow of my former self. Like I'm not even at home in my own mind and body. It's weird. I hate it. I'm so scared because I've never felt the level of pain I feel now emotionally and mentally ever and didn't ever believe a human body could house so much in one person. I didn't know a mind could slip into such a messed up state. I feel lost, alone and totally hopeless. Like hopelessness is beyond a feeling. It's who I've become.

This girl just tore me to pieces and I feel so distraught and betrayed by her. Like that was the cherry on top of the sundae that is my life. The proverbial straw if you will. I'm gonna be honest I want to die. I've never wanted to die more than this ever in my life. I admit feelings of suicide before were in some form a way of crying out for help but this time, this time feels different even to me and I'm scared shitless. I have a plan all set up as well. The end of my pain as I know it and hopefully not go to hell for eternity. I'm scared because it feels like I only feel darkness now mentally in every way. I'm constantly exhausted all of the time now because my symptoms have only continued to get worse all these long/short years that have went by in this nightmare state of mind despite my best efforts to not be a "victim" and "be strong" and all the other bullshit people tell you when they have the freedom every day of living in a healthy mind. I have no purpose anymore. I'm 24 years old and in 5 months going to be 25. With absolutely nothing to show for it. Yay me. Anyway in short I'm tired and I want to go home-- home being some other dimension.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
julietoolie

julietoolie

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 12, 2013
Messages
205
Location
east midlands
#2
Hi x a lot older than you when relationships have finshed have always felt like you xhopefully you will get help now with it x later would think im Crap only to prolong the despair now feelings changed realising have to be able to look after me put myself first in my head hard xbuut whenover it wach time would love again and think silly but same again .going for help is going to help and wish i had at your age x is ok to be sad is narural like a bereavement x gosh never felt like that before now so going for help is helping me already. xhug
 
Stripeysocks

Stripeysocks

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2013
Messages
515
Location
UK
#3
Hey,
I'm sorry you are feeling so bad atm, along with many people here I have felt utterly tortured by my illnesses and have made plans to die. Obviously I don't know exactly how you are feeling but I do empathise. I still don't know my full diagnosis after many years, they are still working on it.
I have been lucky because my GP keeps a really close eye on me and sees me every week and I see my psychiatrist every 3-4 weeks so they have been able to help me when I have felt desperate and suicidal, even though I didn't want them to at the time! But I'm now glad they did. Do you have a doctor you can trust? Or anyone else you could turn to to get some support?
I hope that by being here you will feel a little less alone. We are all here to help and support. xx
 
K

killswitchon

Guest
#4
thanks for the replies... I just feel like there's no hope at all for me anymore. I wish I could tell you the whole story but I have no more strength to do that anymore. I wish I didn't have to feel this way anymore. I wish I could be the guy I was at 17 again. I wish I could go back and change everything but I can't. None of us can and I want to die I just don't want to go to hell. I'm already in hell right now every day but I want to go to heaven. I just wish that I could redo so many things and change where I am today dramatically by tweaking a few choices that I'd made when I was younger. But here I am suffering in reality every single day without any hope that I can ever have an attempt at a normal life. Every day that I stay here I get worse and each subsequent day becomes more of a battle for nothing. No pleasure. I get no solace out of movies or tv or anything that I was interested in before. It's not a matter of will power either. I have the strongest will power ever but in the mind will is reduced to ashes. I really didn't know someone could be in this much pain every day. Im glad you took the time to read through this shit. The girl I was with didn't give a shit about me at the end. Nothing. She always accused me of making up excuses as to why I didn't go after my dreams and at least get a job. She didn't have the confidence in me to believe that maybe just maybe what I was feeling inside was THAT powerful to keep a naturally resilient and strong fighter personality down. She made me feel as if I was the one to blame for the whole break up and told me that I'm too emotional and the she needs a man who can take care of her and blah blah blah. That I'm not her ideal man and I'm not family oriented. List went on and on. She really took out a spear and rammed it into my back.

I gave her my everything I had left. I had no energy left over the past 4 months that we were together but I gave her the last bit of reserve fuel I had left. Invested so much of myself into something I knew would ultimately never work out because the only destiny I have at this point is to either rot in this prison of a body or die. And its such a waste too cause I'm in damn good shape physically except for back problems and my shoulders but I got a good beach body. I had so many talents and all this other potential and now its all for nothing. I wish I could explain how my head feels but it's so difficult to convey sensations or feelings with words.

It feels like my head is being squeezed in and as if I have a headache all of the time now. Also I don't feel anything "good" in my head. It feels like there is no space to breathe in my mind so it feels like everything is being squashed in a compactor. There is this over arching sense of darkness in my mind that prevents any light from getting in either. Could be a sunny day outside but I feel NOTHING. NUMB. In my mind the external stimuli does not get in. Its like I'm staring at a picture. Like Im so far removed from life it has no affect on me whatsoever. These symptoms that I'm experiencing now continued to get worse and worse as time has gone by. So 5 years ago it was so subtle but as every month went by I felt an increased sense of control over myself and my mind as I knew it. Now its to the point where I don't recognize myself or my own body. Like it's not even the same person in my skin. I also feel like time goes by faster. This symptom was one of the most disconcerting--especially at the beginning. Now its out of control and I literally perceive a faster speed of reality ALL THE TIME from my eyes. Its scary. All of this is so scary because I have had no control over the symptoms gradually getting worse and despite anything I have done there has been no improvement. Only loss of more and more of my basic functions as a human being. My memory is so so bad now.

I've explained this to countless doctors and people and have been thrown on every pill cocktail known to man. I have been given such a wide range of diagnoses that there is no common denominator except the fact that I;m now severely depressed because of all of these uncontrollable symptoms and this unnamed masked mystery frolicking around as my mind. I'm held hostage to this terrorist and I have no control and I feel so helpless to do anything. I can't bring myself to even care anymore. I wish God cared about me but I feel so abandoned and alone.
 
Stripeysocks

Stripeysocks

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 11, 2013
Messages
515
Location
UK
#5
I'm sorry you are feeling so depressed. I also feel like there is a vice squeezing my head, physically, when I am really bad. The weird thing with time.. I had the opposite, it went more slowly than it really was. I would do stuff and think at least 10 mins must have gone by and I would look at the clock and literally omly 1-2 mins had gone by. Torture. My memory is horrendous. I can relate to some of the experiences you are describing.

Have you decided not to bother with any more doctors? I just wonder if as your symptoms are getting so much worse whether it would give the docs more to go on and maybe they would now be able to understand what is going on and be able to help you? Have you been checked out by a neurologist? The reason I ask is because my symptoms don't add up to the doctors either and they have been wondering if I have problems with my temporal lobe which would be clouding the picture and confusing things, I clearly do have at least 2 psych illnesses tho but there are more symptoms that need a diagnosis and might not be psych in origin. Just a thought....

Hope you find a way forwards.
Take care xx