Unable to progress in life

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Firk

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Apr 9, 2019
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3
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England
#1
I was about to post an essay but better not...

I have just about had it with life. All I see when I think about my future is doom and gloom. I have suffered with social anxiety and depression ever since the age of 12 now 27 and no matter what I have tried in the past to break the habit of being trapped in my own protective bubble all roads lead back to the safety of my bedroom.

I fear social situations so I avoid them, I feel stupid all the time (simple tasks included) I'm not independent, never been in a relationship, never had any real friends, always felt isolated and alone. I can't communicate very well on a social level nor do I feel comfortable around people because of the way I look. I won't go into the whole backstory of how it all began but my fear of the way I look, feeling stupid 24/7, always looking nervous (been pointed out many a time) the incapability of constructing sentences together in a conversation, that or never knowing what to say and lack of experiences has led to who I am today and I can't break the mould because most of the things that could propel me forward are impossible asks. Therapists thought positive thoughts could help, but encouragement doesn't seem to have any influence on my mindset.

All I do day to day is wake up, eat, sleep. In the past When in work go to work, come home, eat, sleep. It's been the exact same monotony since the age of 18. I have zero social life and my biggest fear is being around people so I'm absolutely buggered. The mere thought of having to endure this for another 40, 50 years...

I in part have myself to blame during the teenage years for not looking after myself properly and missing out on education due to withdrawing but I also pin some of the blame on the gene pool for the hairloss, the short height some of the things I simply can't get over.
 
liliesofthefield

liliesofthefield

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Apr 7, 2019
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44
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Arkansas
#2
I am with you. This is what I'm experiencing. Your story is the same as mine. I've always been a nervous child. Didn't have a lot of friends I've trusted. Now I'm 30. No major life events. I've never even been to a bar for drinks. I've wasted most of my prime being afraid of the world. But this isn't forever. In the last few years I've gotten considerably better. I don't want to discourage you. Starting with small steps forward, you can start to feel a lot better.
 
T

Tivat2017

Guest
#3
Hi Firk, what are your hobbies? Maybe you can try meeting people who has the same interest and start from there. I am an ambivert. There are times I want to be alone but most of the time be with my circle or play with my teammates. It's better to try things than regret later on.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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Tigger and Willow's house
#4
I am with you. This is what I'm experiencing. Your story is the same as mine. I've always been a nervous child. Didn't have a lot of friends I've trusted. Now I'm 30. No major life events. I've never even been to a bar for drinks. I've wasted most of my prime being afraid of the world. But this isn't forever. In the last few years I've gotten considerably better. I don't want to discourage you. Starting with small steps forward, you can start to feel a lot better.
same here, as a kid I was always nervous of the world :hug:

Firk I hope you find something that helps :hug:
 
F

Firk

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Apr 9, 2019
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England
#5
Hi Firk, what are your hobbies? Maybe you can try meeting people who has the same interest and start from there. I am an ambivert. There are times I want to be alone but most of the time be with my circle or play with my teammates. It's better to try things than regret later on.
I don't really have any active hobbies. The problem I had when growing up was if I didn't feel like I could do something I avoided it to save myself from the embarrassment. Trying to learn things is some of the most complicated stuff for me because I fear what people think of me, I fear not being able to understand the task at hand no matter how many times people try to explain I can't get my head around most of it, so in those situations I panic and do a runner. It would probably help if people knew my circumstances or I had friends which would enable me to have a bit of a confidence boost but it's impossible with the way I am. Therapists said take baby steps too, but it never led to anywhere. I was still miserable, still hated the way I look and still couldn't deal with face to face contact and conversations. So I'm back to square one in my bedroom. I honestly think this is it for me. I have well and truly given up, right now all I can think about is the hope of something terrible to happen to me in the near future before my savings run out.

The therapist believed I may have slight autism but getting tested for that doesn't help me in the slightest. It's just another another thing to add to the never ending list of how I hate myself.

Sorry for sounding so depressing :/. This is me in a nutshell.
 
R

RoJo

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Jan 26, 2019
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East Texas
#6
It’s never too late man. And actually one of the best things about hobbies is trying new ones. I never would have thought I like playing guitar but I started to learn and I love it! Just take it one step at a time you got this!
 
R

Rax

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Mar 22, 2019
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Caribbean
#7
Where are you from ? I'm from the Caribbean and sometimes I wish I lived in a bigger country ...so much more to do . you have to be a go getter and if u really want something just do it . don't worry things are always awkward at first . pick up a sport or travel to another country or something .
 
T

Tivat2017

Guest
#8
I don't really have any active hobbies. The problem I had when growing up was if I didn't feel like I could do something I avoided it to save myself from the embarrassment. Trying to learn things is some of the most complicated stuff for me because I fear what people think of me, I fear not being able to understand the task at hand no matter how many times people try to explain I can't get my head around most of it, so in those situations I panic and do a runner. It would probably help if people knew my circumstances or I had friends which would enable me to have a bit of a confidence boost but it's impossible with the way I am. Therapists said take baby steps too, but it never led to anywhere. I was still miserable, still hated the way I look and still couldn't deal with face to face contact and conversations. So I'm back to square one in my bedroom. I honestly think this is it for me. I have well and truly given up, right now all I can think about is the hope of something terrible to happen to me in the near future before my savings run out.

The therapist believed I may have slight autism but getting tested for that doesn't help me in the slightest. It's just another another thing to add to the never ending list of how I hate myself.

Sorry for sounding so depressing :/. This is me in a nutshell.
Hello Firk, if you would always contemplate about what people think of you you won't be able to do something. Just remember that whatever we do, everyone has an opinion, comment, suggestion, etc. Just try, too difficult for you but try. Be confident. If I live close to you I would ask you to go out and introduce you to people I know or see my practice game or take a walk at the beach or park. So yeah. JUST TRY.
 
F

Firk

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Apr 9, 2019
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England
#9
It’s never too late man. And actually one of the best things about hobbies is trying new ones. I never would have thought I like playing guitar but I started to learn and I love it! Just take it one step at a time you got this!
Trying to learn things alone doesn't sound like something that would benefit me tbh. Then again though if I took classes or tried to join group events the panic and stresses that come with that make me drop out after a few sessions, I can't deal with it. I even went to a therapy group session against my wishes to try and push forward and it ended miserably. The thing with me is if I stray too far from my comfort zone i end up worse off than I was originally. I can't progress it's as simple as that :(

Where are you from ? I'm from the Caribbean and sometimes I wish I lived in a bigger country ...so much more to do . you have to be a go getter and if u really want something just do it . don't worry things are always awkward at first . pick up a sport or travel to another country or something .
Travelling involves money. This is also something I attempted a few years ago. I travelled alone to Spain and as nerve racking as it was mainly through having to do things independently I was happy in that one instance for getting out of my comfort zone and doing something for myself. I still ended up making a meal out of it at the airport whenever it came to face screening with my passport... Mine didn't work even with assistance which made me feel uncomfortable. That was the highlight. The rest of the trip was miserable because I find it impossible to socialise, so my whole trip was alone, will never be doing that again, not that I can anyway because I'm out of work with my savings dwindling fast. The same applies to courses everything involves money or going at things still alone.

Hello Firk, if you would always contemplate about what people think of you you won't be able to do something. Just remember that whatever we do, everyone has an opinion, comment, suggestion, etc. Just try, too difficult for you but try. Be confident. If I live close to you I would ask you to go out and introduce you to people I know or see my practice game or take a walk at the beach or park. So yeah. JUST TRY.
I have tried time and time again and everytime I have failed :( Where I am right now is somewhat comfortable just miserable still. I don't have to deal with the stresses that come with leaving the house. Whenever I used to wake up in the morning to go to work I dreaded what may come. Even saying "Hello" "Good Morning" got old fast, and that was pretty much all I could say to people without getting all worked up and over analysing every single situation. I have tried so many times to break free from my curse and every single time I end up back to square one.

Thank you for all the responses but I think I'm going to take my leave, as in therapy words and motivation don't seem to have any real affect on me anymore.
 
F

fugue

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Joined
Apr 11, 2019
Messages
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Dallas
#10
Trying to learn things alone doesn't sound like something that would benefit me tbh. Then again though if I took classes or tried to join group events the panic and stresses that come with that make me drop out after a few sessions, I can't deal with it. I even went to a therapy group session against my wishes to try and push forward and it ended miserably. The thing with me is if I stray too far from my comfort zone i end up worse off than I was originally. I can't progress it's as simple as that :(



Travelling involves money. This is also something I attempted a few years ago. I travelled alone to Spain and as nerve racking as it was mainly through having to do things independently I was happy in that one instance for getting out of my comfort zone and doing something for myself. I still ended up making a meal out of it at the airport whenever it came to face screening with my passport... Mine didn't work even with assistance which made me feel uncomfortable. That was the highlight. The rest of the trip was miserable because I find it impossible to socialise, so my whole trip was alone, will never be doing that again, not that I can anyway because I'm out of work with my savings dwindling fast. The same applies to courses everything involves money or going at things still alone.



I have tried time and time again and everytime I have failed :( Where I am right now is somewhat comfortable just miserable still. I don't have to deal with the stresses that come with leaving the house. Whenever I used to wake up in the morning to go to work I dreaded what may come. Even saying "Hello" "Good Morning" got old fast, and that was pretty much all I could say to people without getting all worked up and over analysing every single situation. I have tried so many times to break free from my curse and every single time I end up back to square one.

Thank you for all the responses but I think I'm going to take my leave, as in therapy words and motivation don't seem to have any real affect on me anymore.
At the risk of sounding like a prosetylizing bore, I would to suggest praying.I was on the same boat you were. I would shut down during job interviews and sabotage myself due to lack of social skills. I was drowning in student loan debt, had no social life whatsoever (not even one friend), worked as a line server at Luby's (didn't have to talk, just had to serve side dishes in a cafeteria line), lived with my mom, and only left the house for work. I felt like I was trapped forever, doomed to exist in pain. I finally broke down and started praying to God continuously. When I laid in bed, paralyzed, unable to face the next day, I prayed with all my might. Not just 'God, please help me', for a minute or two. Prayer and fasting marathons that lasted hours. Doubts crept in. There were times I felt like an idiot for praying. There were times I felt I didn't deserve salvation. There were times I couldn't face who I had become. There were times when I couldn't stop crying. There were times I couldn' t feel at all. Through it all, I didn't give up calling out to God for hours on end, humbling myself in hopes He would show his face. After 8 long months of praying, He came to me. It wasn't dramatic per se. It was gentle. "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest" was realized in my life. I felt lighter, and I began to feel hope. I felt His presence in prayer. It's an experience. It's personal. It's precious. It can't be described. That's when I truly understood that He existed and I am important to Him. He gave me courage to face the day. No matter what happened to me, I knew there is a God that loved me. That knowledge trumped everything. You won't feel alone again after you've reached that point of surrender. Every suffering will become a means to surrender deeper into His heart. You have to nourish your relationship with God daily through prayer. I hope you'll take away something from this. You have time to be by yourself since you aren't working. Give God a chance to come to you.
 
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fugue

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#12
When I first started praying, I felt strange doing it. It was mostly requests to God to deliver me from my pain. I would get irritated because I would get distracted often. I would get discouraged quickly, feel hopeless about prayer, or fall asleep in bed instead of praying. So then, I began praying for belief in Christ. I would pray, 'Open the door to my heart and come into it, Lord'. It's like a desperate longing more than words. I would hold that energy of longing in my heart and imagine Him holding me tight. I would chant 'I need you' or ' show me the way', over and over again. Once I began praying for belief in Christ, I received it.
 
F

fugue

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#13
What do you say when you pray ?
Once you believe in Christ, what is said in the Bible doesn't turn you off. It becomes perfect in its imperfections. Trying to understand the Bible first before believing in Christ doesn't work. Once you pray for belief in Christ and you receive it, you realize that there is a veil over the truth of salvation and it's hidden within the Bible. The truth is given to us imperfectly through the Bible because we are imperfect. Only seekers who wish to perfect themselves for God is given understanding. Once you build that connection to the Bible, it becomes a very powerful tool.
 
F

fugue

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#14
What do you say when you pray ?
Once I established belief in Christ and accepted the bible, my prayers began to be more fruitful. Proverbs says the following: "My son, pay attention to what I say; turn your ear to my words.Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to one’s whole body (Proverbs 4:20-22)". I began to choose verses in the bible and meditate on it for hours, chanting it over and over again. Hebrews says, "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart" (Hebrews 4:12). And it is truly powerful. I would choose verses pertaining courage and chant it day in and day out, and it would give me courage to push through my fears. The caveat is you have to believe it can change you. You can transform yourself with the word of God.
 
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fugue

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#15
What do you say when you pray ?
Another amazing tool to come closer to God is fasting. If you fast for a day and pray the whole day, you'll understand what I'm talking about. You will feel spiritually cleansed. Not just fasting, any sacrifices coupled with prayer makes the prayer more powerful. If you get on your knees to pray, your prayer becomes more powerful. That's why saints like Cure of Ars practiced self-flagellation. Self-denial is beautiful to God because it signifies your longing for union with Him. Conversely, pride, arrogance and egoistic thinking keeps you far away from God.
 
F

fugue

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#18
He is a living God. You can speak to Him. When you pray, he will give you a knowing in your heart. You can have a personal relationship with him. My husband sees visions when he prays and God reveals things to come in the future to him. Everyone has different ways of communion with God. Seek and desire Him, and wish to abandon your ego and become an extension of Him on earth. He will start revealing Himself to you in ways you understand.
 
S

Sunshine123xx

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Apr 20, 2019
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#19
Hey Firk,
First of all I want to say what you’re feeling is so common even more than you think! Everyone feels anxious, self-conscious, nervous when it comes to any sort of social interaction whether that be work, the gym, parties etc. Even those who seem like they have it all together - they get nervous and self conscious too!! So try not to feel like you’re the only one struggling with this anxiety because that is just not true.
I know all you’re hearing is people saying take up a new hobby or class etc. But I think finding a right hobby - a solo hobby- could really be the way to go for you. Something that brings you into a social environment like a class/group of people, but where you don’t have to actually make any social interaction and stay in the comfort of your own head and space but just in an environment of people. Maybe something like painting classes or meditation classes. Also things like listening to a podcast while going for a walk in the park - the point is hopefully you will get distracted by the podcast or painting or meditation etc and be in the comfort zone of your own mind while also being outside of the comfort zone of your bedroom.
You should schedule your walk or painting class in to your weekly schedule and in terms of motivation to actually attend - you must find this hobby actually enjoyable/the podcast really interesting (which takes time to find so be patient and try everything) and create some sort of reward for yourself after you attend like: I’ll get a McFlurry frm the McDonald’s next door to my painting class after the class - lol I dunno but you get it!
And lastly, as I said before: every person feels social anxiety it is human nature. But many people have come up with ways (consciously and sub con) to solve their social anxiety worries for example: to avoid entering busy lectures in college where everyone turns to look at me when walking in the door and the stress of finding a free seat, I make sure I arrive 10 mins early to my lectures to walk in when is quiet and find a seat and get myself sorted. This seems so basic but habits like this reduce social anxieties to just about make life bearable! And everyone has their own habits too, and you just need to find your own, cause right now you seem like you’re just avoiding life and you seem fed up with it! And the good news is: you can and will find ways to make day to day life bearable and then even enjoyable, you just have to be willing to try small but new things, and when they don’t work try something else!
You’re not alone in this, don’t give up trying!
 
hicks

hicks

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#20
I know all you’re hearing is people saying take up a new hobby or class etc. But I think finding a right hobby - a solo hobby- could really be the way to go for you
+1!

I'm going to suggest something here, and that is, running. This is an ideal sport for socially anxious people, because it can be done completely alone. There's minimal cost (you don't need expensive kit, or gym membership), and it's highly accessible. Not only will you get the obvious massive health benefits, which includes mental aspects, but it gives you challenges. Being challenged and improving at something is a major factor towards improving your mental state. And who knows, you could be naturally good at it. Set yourself targets, try to improve.

And running is also quite unique, in that it can be done completely alone, or can have a social aspect to it. There are running clubs all over the place. There's Parkrun on a weekend, which I do myself. Opportunities for volunteering, and that will make you friends very quickly if you put yourself forward to do marshaling, or other duties.

For a large part of my life, I did no physical activity whatsoever. But I took up running in my '40s, and I've never looked back.