• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Um...Hi

N

Naver

Member
Joined
Mar 7, 2010
Messages
9
Location
A bit of everywhere. But physically Alabama, USofA
Hello everyone, you can call me Naver. I just joined this forum. Well, I joined yesterday but this is my first post. Anyway, I came to this forum to ask for some help. Not support help, but whats-wrong-with-me help. I know I should go to a therapist to get a diagnosis, but I don't have faith in doing that.

My dad took me to a psychologist&psychiatrist once an unknown number of months back, and it did me no good. I got three different kinds of pills after only seeing them a few times, which in my opinion is not enough time to make that kind of decision unless there's some kind of crisis. I think one was for depression, and two for sleeping.

But my main issue is I didn't say anything to my therapist. Not literally, I'd answer her questions, but not like, the truth. I'd answer as little as possible, simple, one-sentence answers, and sometimes even outright lie. I can't talk to people in person, and I even more-so can't talk to people I don't trust. Sadly the two people in my life I've been most open with in my life I met over the internet.

So, sorry for blathering on about that. What I really want to say is: Hi, I think its cool what you're doing here. I was wanting to know if someone here could help me figure out what's wrong with me/if there is(pretty sure there is though). If they can, should I post about myself here or in the two pence forum?

- Naver

p.s. I'm not a :tea: drinker.
 
iffybob

iffybob

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
4,858
Location
England
Hi

1st - here is fine to post .. 2 pence is realy an open opinion area ....

2nd - If you lie to your theropyst .. you will never get any where , or worse you wil get the wrong treatment ... if you dont want to say .. either keep quiet .. or say you dont want to say.. thems the rules ....

So please post what you need to and we will see if we can help ... :)

... boB
 
N

Naver

Member
Joined
Mar 7, 2010
Messages
9
Location
A bit of everywhere. But physically Alabama, USofA
Thank you, and I'll post here. And I guess its a good thing I stopped seeing them then. This might be kinda long, because I have no idea what I'm going to write. I don't often think ahead.

Well first off, I guess I'll say I've been told before that I have or might have depression, insomnia (don't know what type for either), s...s...however you spell scizophrania, an internet addiction, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder. I don't know which or if any of these are true, though I seriously doubt I have the hard-to-spell s word mentioned above.

As far as family goes, my uncle on my mother's side has that thing where you have no...however you spell concience; and my mother herself has or had some kind of depression. My sister was at one point diagnosed with impulse control disorder, and at another bipolar disorder, though both have been doubted and contradicted. (She saw two different therapists, though not at the same time.)

My sister is seventeen, and I'm three years younger, forgot to mention that. (Am I allowed to mention that?) She, around the time she was twelvish I think, began mutilating herself. She did this by scratching herself with pens and such and letting people bite her. At some point this moved to cutting her wrists with razors, and she began abusing substances (alchohol, tobacco, and marijiuana). She's tried to kill herself via overdose on two or three occasions, and twice was admitted to a mental hospital as an inpatient. Currently, so far as I know, she no longer cuts herself, and doesn't take medicine for anything, but still smokes (both substances) and drinks.

So while on the subject of that, I also cut myself. When my dad found out he said he was greatly concerned (for obvious reasons), even though I've assured him I never intend on drinking or smoking; aside from the occasional wine if such an occasion calls for it. He's also concerned because I 'started on a higher level' and is afraid of where it will escalate. We've talked about this twice, once a few weeks ago when he found a self mutilation book from the library, and once the other day.

I cut myself with the serrated blade on my pocket knife, though I would consider it more of scratching than cutting since it barely breaks the skin. I don't do it on my wrists though, I do it on my right shoulder. Mostly because I wear short sleeves, partly because I figure it'd be less likely to cut a vein or something, and partly because I want in no way to ever be associated with my sister. I might start doing it on both my shoulders though, because I've been doing it more recently and there's not enough time for a cut to heal up enough to be cut over again; thus I'm running out of space. At the moment the only reason I'm not is because I don't like symmetry. That probably sounds like a really stupid reason.

As to why, I have no idea. There's supposed to be different levels of thought, and I think my reasoning process goes on on a lower level or something. Like, I'll just want to do something, and have no idea why. (This goes for everything, not just cutting. If its true that no one knows you better than yourself, than no one on this planet knows me well at all.) I don't cut myself because I'm sad or because it feels good or because I'm angry at myself (I don't think so anyway, definately not the sad one becuase I do it even when I'm not, or not as.), I just want to; even knowing it'll only have negative concequences.

Just a quick bit about my current living conditions: I don't live in an abusive life or anything like that. Currently I live with my father, sister, and her boyfriend. My mother lives with her fiance. Thankfully within six weeks, my dad and I will move in with his fiance; and then maybe I'll never have to see my sister again. Certainly less often. Oh also, and hold nothing against her as far as her past mental state goes. Its just that every time I see her she yells at me and/or treatens me, and she steals things from me. I don't hate her either, I just don't want to live in the same house as her or have to be in her presence. I'm a freshman in highschool, known amongst my friends (I have about four I talk to regularly, plus a few more I now don't see every day, and my boyfriend; we just started dating though I met him at the beginning of the year.) as strange and the school populace as the girl who never talks/the girl who 'draws good'. I play the trumpet in band and I'm in JROTC (where I met my boyfriend), which are currently the only two activities in which I still participate in. I used to run cross country, and I wanted to be on the tennis team when I got to high school but I never tried out. I'm also in ag this year, which I like but I don't think I'll be doing next year because there's so much interaction with others and its impairing me.

As far as my daily schedule goes: I get out of bed sometime between 2 and 6am, then stay in bed till about six thirty (fyi I use my computer from my bed); or pace about my room listening to music. I pace in my room or circle my house from the outside for hours every day. Then I go to school and angst it up there, have some sort of after school practice (In JROTC I'm on the rifle team, the drill team, and the honor guard. For the most part, its just to delay going home.), I get picked up at five at the library. I say I have practice every day, and when I don't I just blow the two hours walking along the railroad tracks or in the library, or I'll go to the store for a while. When I get home I either read, pace, walk circles around the house, or use the computer; or on somedays if no ones home I can get on the Xbox. Then I'll go to sleep sometime between 11pm and 2am. Or on some days, I won't want to do anything so I'll just stay in bed when I get home until I fall asleep.

Now then for sleep, it varies. I usually get two to four hours of sleep a night. If I go to sleep at ten or earlier, I'll keep waking up and get even less sleep than if I'd gone to sleep later. As it stands, regardless of when I go to sleep, I usually start waking up every half-hour or so after two. The exeption is when I just don't want to do anything and resign to sleep by six, in which I'll wake up around one or two am and not be able to fall back to sleep. Most of the time this works for me, and I go to sleep when I'm tired, which just happens to be the later hours. On some nights though, usually if I got little or no sleep the night(s) before, I'll be tired by nine. I still go to sleep later though, to save myself from waking up.

Back when my dad made me go to sleep by a certain time, I would lay in bed for hours, unable to fall asleep. On some nights he'd come in and check on us (shared a room with my sister at this time), and I'd feel guilty for being awake. Later when I got my own room, and my own computer in it, he stopped monitering when I went to sleep; I guess because he couldn't control it. From then on I'd regularly go to sleep in the early am or not at all, for one of two different reasons. Either I'd just be not tired and/or lose track of time, or I would stay awake even when I wasn't tired so as not to make the next day come sooner.

My personal hygiene isn't great, because its just not a high priority in my life. In the sixth- and seventh-grades, I wouldn't even brush my hair once a week; be it because I didn't have time to or forgot to or just didn't want to bother with it. My mother had almost all of it cut off, though, and since I can't stand having short hair (my mother liked keeping it up to my ears when I was little) I began brushing it every school-day morning. I have also still yet to brush my teeth and shower daily, mostly because it seems such an effort to do and I don't want to bother with it. I don't wash my face daily either, rather one to three times a week, or whenever I take a shower. I also wear my clothes multiple times before washing them. I do always wear deodorant though, it barely requires effort :)

As I said I don't have a lot of friends. I've made maybe three friends, including my boyfriend, after fifth grade, which is the year I moved to the state I live in. On the contrary I've only lost friends, either from not seeing them due to schedule differences, or a rather self-destructive cycle. That being, when involving a friend that I admire, I'm always afraid I'll say something stupid or something they don't like around them. This leads me to never talking to them, and as such we stop being friends. For the same reason is why I never make new friends. I have this problem in lesser severity with some people, such as people I'm friendly with but aren't really friends with and my boyfriend.
 
N

Naver

Member
Joined
Mar 7, 2010
Messages
9
Location
A bit of everywhere. But physically Alabama, USofA
There are six people with whom I don't have it with, and can actually talk to. Though 'actually talk to' probably isn't the best way to say it, because we don't ever talk about 'serious' things. For one, I never talk about myself or my insecurities with them. And likewise, they never share serious things with me, with the exception of one who complains about her family to me. Despite the fact that I deserve it, I always feel hurt when they discuss something they'd been talking about earlier or keep secrets about something important or what have you. The only time they talk to me its to ask what something means or discuss something completely irreleveant. Its like I'm only in their lives for comedic relief. The fact that when I'm acting quiet or upset they completely ignore me, or then they're acting quiet or upset they completely ignore me, supports this.

Because of my fear of not being accepted or saying something stupid or whatever else, I usually resign to isolating myself when not with one of these six people, or my boyfriend. Thus, five periods of the day, I'm completely silent. Four of the six I all have band with, my boyfriend is in JROTC with me, and the other two I have no classes with. In class I very rarely volunteer to answer a question, even if I know the answer; the only time I do is if no one else does and the teacher keeps repeating the question, waiting for someone to check their notes or the book or something. Since no one tries to talk to me anyway, though, my keeping to myself and always reading or drawing isn't really attention grabbing to my peers. The only conversation I have outside of fourth and sixth periods are someone informing me that 'I draw good' or that 'I should be an artist' or make cartoons when I grow up. I draw manga-styled artwork, and its really not all that great.

My fear of being rejected and of being embarrased/doing and/or saying something stupid extends to adults as well. I hate answering the door or having to buy something, even at my age if I'm at the store I'll ask someone else to pay for me. If I'm absent I'm afraid to ask a teacher what we did the day I was, or to ask a question if I'm confused; as such, I'll occasionally get zeroes or bad grades on a test. On one occasion in ag someone had stolen the project I was working on, and I walked around the shop for twenty minutes trying to build up the courage to tell the teacher. In the end I just started over and rushed to meet the deadline, luckily some people in my class goof off a lot or are just slow workers, so I'm never the only one behind schedule.

I have an intense hatred for myself. For the way I act, for the way I look, for how I make stupid decisions and procrastinate, for how much of a coward I am, the list goes on. I get VERY frustrated and angry all the time, and the fact that I never say anything probably doesn't help. I often get teary eyed for no reason, though I don't cry. I get the urge to scream at the top of my lungs just about every day, though I don't because there's always someone else home at the time. Whenever I do something wrong I feel like an idiot, and that others feel the same way about me. If I make a mistake, like going to fourth period when its third period, even if there aren't any concequences, I mentally slap myself for the rest of the day and then some. If I mess up during something like a half-time show or a drill competition, I get really angry at myself and can't enjoy myself the rest of the day afterwards. I frequently get the urge to hit something, sometimes myself, and I'd really like to get a punching bag for such occasions.

I move all the time, if I'm trying to sleep or read I change my position every few minutes. I twitch a lot, usually in my right eye or hands. In fifth grade one of my classmates noticed this about my hands, and often asked me to "twitch my pencil". I also often laugh or giggle for no reason, or just feel completely elated. The random high mood is usually in the morning, and I'm back to my usual, frustrated, depressed self by the time I get to school; though even in the evenings I'll laugh out of nowhere.

I'm very emotional and get upset or angry very easily. Though most people are completely unaware of this because I don't show it outside the confines of my room; I've actually been asked things before like have I ever cried before in my life or if I'm human. I spend most of my day hating on myself and how pathetic I am or dreading my next failure or just hating life in general. I think about suicide/death a lot, not in detail but just the act. I made a promise to myself in seventh grade, though, to at least not kill myself until I've finished high school. In my younger years I aspired to work as an animator in japan, design games, be a computer programmer, become a marines or army officer, or an airforce engineer. Now though, whenever I think about one of those things I assure myelf I wouldn't be able to do it anyway, and rather than bother trying I should just settle for some office job that would give me decent pay. I'm pretty good with math, and I can type pretty quickly (My words per minute, or whatever it is, is around 70 last time I checked, which was sometime in eighth grade), so that should be possible.

I just about never plan ahead, probably a contributing factor to my procrastination (I'm the type to do an important project the morning of, and, hell, who wakes up at three only to get ready at 6:30? Its actually usually more :40 or :50, six thirty is a time I set for myself, but one I rarely actually get to.), because thinking about the future just depresses me. As does thinking about myself, as I think I've made clear.

As such, I fantasize. All the time. I'll either create my own stories or use someone else's characters. As a child, rather than having an imaginary friend, I had an imaginary person that entertained me from their own little world so I didn't have to deal with the car ride or lecture from my parents. Specifically this person changed, though her various forms are recognizable. Her name was usually Tristan or Nichole, her eyes usually green but sometimes blue, and she always had long brown hair; almost always with blonde bangs. Of course I have tons of other characters (one zombie story I have has 32 main character all on its own), and I rarely think about ol' Tristan and her variations now, but she's kind of like a historical point in my life. Certainly I would've been one upset child if it weren't for her.

Anyway, I spend hours each day in fantasy. That's what my mind is on most of the time when I'm pacing and/or listening to music. Portable music-playing devices: most definately one of my favorite inventions. I would rather have music than the internet, and I do love me some ethernet. Back on subject; rather than face my own life, I make someone else face theirs. Often, my main characters are put through horrible situations. Much like disney, if your a main character in my mind, you're not goanna have an intact family. More often than death though, is abuse; both physical and sexual. Tristan's first form, for example, was an orphan. Later, she usually lived with her mother, her father either gone or dead. Though their lives are just about always worse than mine, I always envy them, because there's always someone they had a good relationship with. Some bakery store owner, or best friend, or mother, or father's friend's daughter who is the equivalant of a cousin. That person or people may be dead, or still there, but either way they had someone with whom there was mutual trust and love. That's the one thing (well, not the one thing, but the most important and longest-standing) that I've wanted and never had.

Aside from directly spacing out to go watch someone else live their life, I also play my own life unto them. I'll go through my day thinking someone else's thoughts rather than my own, play off my own successes and failures as their's. On some occasions, I've even written the wrong name on assignments. Luckily I've always caught it before turning it in, it would be awkward explaining that.

I said earlier that I don't think about suicide in detail, though that's not really true. While I don't think about killing my self in detail, I do think about someone else doing so. Many of my characters have at some point killed themselves, or have wanted to, or have tried and failed. They've also had various issues reflecting me, such as the self mutilation or desire to die. Of course, they have their own troubles, such as one who had an addiction to cocaine, there'd be no point in escaping reality to a mirror of mine.

I make reckless decisions sometimes. I've told people I met online my phone number and where I live. If my sister was charged with picking me up and forgot to, forcing me to walk home, I'll get a ride from a stranger--I'll do the same thing if its raining. I don't seek these things out, like, I've never hitchhiked for example (though I do have a hitchhiker's thumb), but if someone slows their car and offers me a ride, I'm not always inclined to say no. I also go walking alone, from downtown to places I've been told before are unsafe. I'm aware such things are stupid and dangerous, but I don't really care. For whatever reason at the time, its convinient. And honestly, if someone I accepted a ride from was actually a homicidal maniac; I probably still wouldn't mind. While I did promise myself not to commit suicide before completing high school, and while I wouldn't do something to deliberately cause my death, I certainly wouldn't fight too hard for my life, if you catch my meaning.
 
N

Naver

Member
Joined
Mar 7, 2010
Messages
9
Location
A bit of everywhere. But physically Alabama, USofA
Sometimes I'll hear voices, either from inanimate objects or just in my head. Usually, regardless of the circumstances, this becomes a battle of whether or not I'm creating the other voice. I frequently talk to myself, so on one of these occasions I can never tell if I'm actually hearing whatever is speaking, or if I'm just making it up. I have a similar battle with everything I've mentioned, actually. Sometimes when thinking about any of this it'll just be fuel to the fire of self-hatred. Though others, I think I seriously have a problem (or problems). On other occasions, I think I'm just making myself feel this way or pretending to so I have an excuse for all my failures and shortcomings.

I feel like I certainly have no reason to cut myself or wish to die or be so sad or what have you; my dad seems to love me, as maybe my mother, I don't have to deal with my sister that often; I'm not failing at school (I'm cutting it close in history, actually, but other than that its pretty much As and Bs. Math homework defeats me as well. I'm doing way better this year than last year though.); no one abuses me; the only dramatic thing I can think of is my parent's divorce. And that I really don't care about. As with not having to live with my siter, not having to live with my mother is great. Its actually made our relationship improve.

I think, at least in part, my fear of abandonment and rejection and need to be loved comes from the fact that our family has moved a few times. Moving here in fifth grade wasn't the first move my family had made, thanks to my mother's job. (not military, if you were wondering, she was a retail store manager. Formerly gap, my personal favorite, breifly kohl's, most recently and lastly goody's.) Every time we moved I had to leave people I loved behind, as is a part of moving. Some of the people closest to my heart are people I knew before I even started school. After losing my friends of fourth grade, and the ones beforfe that, I couldn't handle it anymore. When we moved here I found I wasn't able to bond with anyone. As I mentioned before, I'm not close with the friends I have; I don't have trust in them and we rarely do things outside of school. Ironically, this was the move where my dad decided we were staying put until both my sister and I finished school. Though my father and I are moving in with his fiance in another town, I'll still be attending my current school. That is thanks to my mother, who still lives in this town.

I guess I'll touch on dreams a bit, though that seems out of place. I don't recall ever once having a good dream. Most of my dreams are fast-paced and confusing, and ironically enough leave me mentally exhausted when I wake up. This is only the second time I've ever mentioned this, the first time was to my sister, who said that was impossible, so maybe I'm not describing it right when I say that. I die in a lot of my dreams, or at the very least am attacked/chased/captured. When I was young I had a recurring dream about this monster that would kill me, which I now would describe as kind of like a green Crypt Keeper. The thing that always freaked me out about it was that on some nights I would hear drums, and those were the nights I would have it. Speaking of hearing things, I sometimes hear a noise that, I guess, I'm expecting. I'll here a knock on my door when no one's there, or if I'm texting or IMing someone, I'll hear the alert sound but then there'll be no message. And a few times at night I've heard someone say something, though just one word. Anyway back on topic, most of the dreams I remember are of things like mentioned above. You'd think, after having had multiple dreams involving being kidnapped/killed/etc, I would be more wary of strangers, ne?

Speaking of which, I also get rather paranoid. If I'm home alone I'll get very paranoid, or if I'm walking around in the dark. In those cases I'll usually stand with my back pressed against a wall, which helps a little. If I'm walking around outside I get paranoid. And where does that make sense, being afraid of getting attacked and then accepting a ride from a stranger? On one occasion when I was out at night; first I turned around early because I was feeling paranoid; and second, after turning the corner onto my street I dashed all the way home. When pacing around the outside of my house, I'll go in earlier than I want to because of feeling paranoid, and I'll dash back to the door if I've stepped outside for even one second at night. That rather sucks, as I love night. Almost as much as early morning. Morning without school and such I mean. The sounds and the temperature and the color of the sky is what I like about it.

I get really obsessive about things. If I start reading a new manga, that's all I'll do in all of my free time, to the point where my dreams are in manga form. Not like a story, but just, like, pages. Its hard to describe. That's one of those exhausting ones. Or if I discover (or rediscover) a musical group I will only listen to their music for days, or even weeks. Right now I've gotten into The Dresden Dolls again. Just a little while ago I was cutting myself and Bad Habit came on and I actually listened to the lyrics for the first time, and they amused me greatly. I watched all the seasons of Friends back to back, watching it for hours and hours each day until I finished it. I sat down and started Kingdom Hearts 2, and 48 hours of non-stop playing later I beat it. Anyway, you get the idea.

Then to touch on this: Part of the JROTC Cadet Creed is that you do not lie, cheat, or steal. And I can at least say I don't cheat, but I can't say the same for lying. Well I could, but it'd be a lie. I lie all the time, every day. Sometimes its just to save myself from talking, like spouting a "fine" if someone asks me how I am; other times someone will ask me to do something and I'll say no, then do it anyway; and other times still its quite a blatant lie that there's no point to even lying about because I'm not even trying to be realistic about. And then there's ones that actually make sense to, like the first time I cut myself was on my hand, and my friend made a joke about cutting myself and then asked me if I actually did; which I of course said no to.

Then I further break the creed, because I steal. Not from people, I'm one of the good little children who doesn't steal from their sister's makeup or their mother's purse. I do steal, however, from something worse. There's absolutely no excuse for it, I would think, because it wouldn't cost any money to take it out of the building in the first place. That building: the library. I steal books from the library. Horrible, no? Some I don't even read, too. Like the Marine Corps history, or the Art of Diplomacy. I just get the urge to take them, so I do. That self mutilation book I mentioned before I stole, as well as a book on depression, understanding suicide, and social anxiety disorder. I always feel really guilty for taking books afterwards, and yet I continue.

Alright well, I think that's about it save for rattling of my life story; and I'm sure no one wants to hear that, so I'll stop here.



Edit: Um...I'm sorry, I really didn't mean to write that much. I guess I was in a bit of a rant mode. Someone just say the word and I'll drastically shorten this. I would just do it now, but It'd feel like such a waste to kill it just after writing it.
 
iffybob

iffybob

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
4,858
Location
England
This is a defo gonna read it tommorow ...

... boB ... :)
 
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