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Ugliness and how shame is a form of social control

Twinkle Toes

Twinkle Toes

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somewhere out there
I got called names alot when younger not particuarly due to my face but because of my speech. I have autism and have speech difficulties. As a child I became afraid to speak as my stammer was so bad other kids mocked me whenever I went to open my mouth. I got called 'cretin' and 'retard' and 'dopey' all the time.
It was partly due to developmental delay but even though I could speak at home ok I got so nervous of having to speak in public my voicebox would literally feel as if it was paralysed with fear.

It's awful when you feel so terrified of what people are going to say or do to you, you can't make friends or just become a recluse.
 
Empish

Empish

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Why is the British public so vitriolic about unnattractiveness?
A large proportion of the British public are vitriolic about everything. They look for any kind of weakness in people so they can drag them down and find themselves superior in comparison. Attractive people have a hard time too. Your buoyant, cheerful demeanour probably has a lot to do with it, they can't abide to see someone just happily going about their day.
 
Ozymandias

Ozymandias

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I've been quite happy wearing masks this last year, and wouldn't have any problem with the practice continuing indefinitely, because I've felt a lot more comfortable outdoors having half of my face covered up.

Ugliness is more than a form of social control... it's something that gets you removed from the breeding stock; it makes you a genetic dead end. Not that I want kids or ever did... but ultimately it hasn't really been my choice - the decision has effectively been made on my behalf.

It's become part of my problem with the idea of working again... I'm uncomfortable at being forced to face strangers and be at the mercy of their judgement, and unfortunately much of the available work at the bottom of the job market is 'people facing'.

I'm tired of being treated as though I'm a lesser person overall because my outer appearance isn't pleasing on the eyes. I'm too ugly to find a partner, and all mental health services do is try and use CBT as a brainwashing tool... 'it's all your perception, blah blah blah...'; no, it's other people's perception, and I've had it unequivocally expressed to me many times, over many years.
 
Ladyfair

Ladyfair

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Hello Welcome to the forum. The people who are saying these things are the ugly ones. They are to be pitied.
 
Darwin the fish

Darwin the fish

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Apr 16, 2021
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UK
I'm so sorry to hear about this vile abuse. You sound like a very strong person to have been able to put up with it!

Like someone suggested above, perhaps these horrible people can see that you are vunerable.. I imagine they are sensing your lack of confidence.

This probably sounds really silly, but do you practice self care? I've always felt ugly and have very low self esteem, but recently I've really upped my skin care regime. I'm just enjoying taking care of my skin, and as I see the improvement, although I don't feel prettier, there is certainly an air of confidence creeping in..

It probably sounds stupid, but small steps..
 
Q

quilteddown10

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Apr 26, 2021
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UK
I've been quite happy wearing masks this last year, and wouldn't have any problem with the practice continuing indefinitely, because I've felt a lot more comfortable outdoors having half of my face covered up.

Ugliness is more than a form of social control... it's something that gets you removed from the breeding stock; it makes you a genetic dead end. Not that I want kids or ever did... but ultimately it hasn't really been my choice - the decision has effectively been made on my behalf.

It's become part of my problem with the idea of working again... I'm uncomfortable at being forced to face strangers and be at the mercy of their judgement, and unfortunately much of the available work at the bottom of the job market is 'people facing'.

I'm tired of being treated as though I'm a lesser person overall because my outer appearance isn't pleasing on the eyes. I'm too ugly to find a partner, and all mental health services do is try and use CBT as a brainwashing tool... 'it's all your perception, blah blah blah...'; no, it's other people's perception, and I've had it unequivocally expressed to me many times, over many years.
Yes, I must admit to having become attached (literally) to my mask.

I get glared at less with it on, I've noticed.

Humans, eh?
 
jajingna

jajingna

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Has the number of fat jokes died down? Looking around I see that the average weight of adults is overweight. It's not so funny when the majority of people have a particular issue. Is a comedian going to risk offending 2/3 of his audience?
 
Empish

Empish

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Apr 7, 2021
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Uk
It probably sounds stupid, but small steps..
Using Bergamot essential oil would be another step towards improving your self esteem, confidence and anxiety levels. I don't like to use the word 'Aromatherapy' because people assume it's all about just breathing in the smell of the essential oils. Essential oils are also used in massage so they can be absorbed into the blood stream. Aromatherapy is used in Mental Health professions as well as Alternative Therapy Centres.
If you want to try it I think bergamot is the best one to start off with as it's good for confidence, self esteem, stress and anxiety.
Just add 2 -3 drops of bergamot to 2 -3 teaspoons of carrier oil (any cooking oil will do or you could buy some almond oil at the chemist). Then massage the mix into your abdomen and lower back/thighs. Make sure you rub it all in until the skin is dry so all of the bergamot gets absorbed into the blood stream. You might feel a bit weird for a few hours afterwards but that will clear. Manderin is also a good choice but bergamot is particularly good for self esteem and confidence.
DON'T TAKE ESSENTIAL OILS INTERNALLY. And I think you have to limit the number of drops per week to 6. But I could be wrong.
 
Q

quilteddown10

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Apr 26, 2021
Messages
95
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UK
I've been quite happy wearing masks this last year, and wouldn't have any problem with the practice continuing indefinitely, because I've felt a lot more comfortable outdoors having half of my face covered up.

Ugliness is more than a form of social control... it's something that gets you removed from the breeding stock; it makes you a genetic dead end. Not that I want kids or ever did... but ultimately it hasn't really been my choice - the decision has effectively been made on my behalf.

It's become part of my problem with the idea of working again... I'm uncomfortable at being forced to face strangers and be at the mercy of their judgement, and unfortunately much of the available work at the bottom of the job market is 'people facing'.

I'm tired of being treated as though I'm a lesser person overall because my outer appearance isn't pleasing on the eyes. I'm too ugly to find a partner, and all mental health services do is try and use CBT as a brainwashing tool... 'it's all your perception, blah blah blah...'; no, it's other people's perception, and I've had it unequivocally expressed to me many times, over many years.
I'm not sure about being removed from the 'breeding stock'. I've managed to pass on my genes.

I think it's more about 'geneticism'. There is effectively a genetic-based class-system. Many people would hesitate before accepting this proposal but by their very behaviour confirm it. I have no problem finding sexual partners, as long as they belong in my 'genetic class' and I have no problem with this. I've had relationships with some really lovely women whose looks were not an issue for me at all. It was, for me, sense of humour and intelligence that mattered. No, for me, the problem with being ugly is NOT who I do or do not get to have sexual relations with, it's the very publically enforced social shame that I have to endure at the hands of people who enjoy the sport of 'geneticism' (and that's a looot of people!).
 
Q

quilteddown10

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Well absolutely. You should have some self esteem, why not? Sounds like there is a lot in your life to feel good about with yourself. I doubt everyone thinks that about you. Though I can understand if you have been getting these comments over a long period of time it will feel like that.

The big thing is that those who love you do not see what these vile people see. Ignorance can be bliss. Again most of us here have been robbed of that through other people. And once you see something you can't un-see it. Even if it has become magnified and not necessarily accurate. I don't know if that makes sense, but anyway that is how many things have been for me.

I am glad you are able to look at from the perspective you do. Almost like you are trying to learn something (yet to be determined, lol) from it.
It's a tricky one. I'm in that unfortunate position of being able to see what it is that people have a problem with. I've simply been incredibly unlucky. Basically, what could go wrong with a man's face has with mine. I really am quite difficult to look at without wincing. I'm only 45 but my 20s and 30s were spent having to hide in public (not easy to do). I guess I thought that by middle-age the reactions would have died down (I mean, who cares what a 45 year old bloke looks like, right?) but they haven't and so I am forced to spend every waking second with the psychological equivalent of my hand being stuck inside a two-bar electric heater. I try to cheer myself up - I mean, I have to, to function - but it doesn't last very long. I am that poor unfortunate wretch you see and think 'Oh god!'
 
L

liv33

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Jun 28, 2020
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Eu
Maybe I see what you mean
I agree that appearance may have some sort of special role, from this point of view, and that can also explain the vicious cruelty you're subjected too

I wish I had your immense patience
Last time I was mocked for my looks I didn't have any
 
S

strawberrywater

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Feb 24, 2021
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United States
I genuinely believe there is no ugly or beautiful - it's all made up by society's "standard of beauty". People who insult others do it as a way to feel better about themselves because they feel lousy. So, you be one-up on them and feel good about yourself. Those people are also blind followers of that social beauty bs.

As a woman, I've been attracted to all kinds of men, even men who my friends said were ugly or too old. I find some 80 yr old men very attractive, and a lot of people think I'm weird lol because society's standard says old isn't beautiful. I beg to differ, because Robert De Niro still looks great haha

But I completely understand how their words have affected you. I was always teased for my thick curly hair, big forehead, and crooked teeth. I'm always straightening my hair because I'm so scared someone will make fun of me. I went through periods of time when I hated myself so much because I was believing what everyone said about me. It made me feel like there was something genuinely wrong with me that I couldn't see.

But then I was teased for wearing Cartier eyeglasses, which only meant those people were jealous. So either ugly or beautiful, people will always have something mean to say because they're the ones who are unhappy. Even with my crooked teeth, some women in Japan purposely make their teeth crooked because they see it as youthful and cute. I always get mistaken for a teenager, under 16, when I'm almost 30. It's all society based.
 
jajingna

jajingna

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I got a few comments on my big gut before dropping some weight. I don't really understand why people feel the need to make those comments though. It's not like I was unaware of being fat.
 
Q

quilteddown10

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UK
I genuinely believe there is no ugly or beautiful - it's all made up by society's "standard of beauty". People who insult others do it as a way to feel better about themselves because they feel lousy. So, you be one-up on them and feel good about yourself. Those people are also blind followers of that social beauty bs.

As a woman, I've been attracted to all kinds of men, even men who my friends said were ugly or too old. I find some 80 yr old men very attractive, and a lot of people think I'm weird lol because society's standard says old isn't beautiful. I beg to differ, because Robert De Niro still looks great haha

But I completely understand how their words have affected you. I was always teased for my thick curly hair, big forehead, and crooked teeth. I'm always straightening my hair because I'm so scared someone will make fun of me. I went through periods of time when I hated myself so much because I was believing what everyone said about me. It made me feel like there was something genuinely wrong with me that I couldn't see.

But then I was teased for wearing Cartier eyeglasses, which only meant those people were jealous. So either ugly or beautiful, people will always have something mean to say because they're the ones who are unhappy. Even with my crooked teeth, some women in Japan purposely make their teeth crooked because they see it as youthful and cute. I always get mistaken for a teenager, under 16, when I'm almost 30. It's all society based.
I've only really started admitting to myself how bad the problem is and the sheer volume of comments and hatred I have been getting since I was young.

I think most people are quite tolerant of others' defects so the very fact that most people are not tolerant of mine tells me that I really must be a complete freak. I mean, possibly the ugliest man in the world kind of thing. I'm not exaggerating here. Something must be terribly wrong with me to generate such a reaction. It really is quite out of hand :(

The thing with saying there's no such thing as 'beauty/ugly' because they are socially constructed standards is that it begs the question why? Why is something that is agreed upon by a large group of people any less real than, say, the rules and regulations that govern driving a car on the road, or the way money works? They are, I would argue, social constructs but no less real for that.

If you think about it, our brains are hardwired to respond to certain kinds of social information which, when given, become embedded within our experienced reality. What other reality is there for each of us?
 
S

strawberrywater

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The thing with saying there's no such thing as 'beauty/ugly' because they are socially constructed standards is that it begs the question why? Why is something that is agreed upon by a large group of people any less real than, say, the rules and regulations that govern driving a car on the road, or the way money works? They are, I would argue, social constructs but no less real for that.
The road rules are mostly laws for public safety. Without them, people would crash more and be more at danger of injury and death. Society acceptance of what's beautiful or not can't be regulated (or, morally it should not be regulated by laws) so I would see them as totally different things. Someone's looks can't be a danger to society.
I think everyone's personal attraction to others plays a part too. Men I find attractive, other people might say they're ugly and vice versa. So there is no right or wrong. I hope that makes sense. If someone came up to you and said "You look handsome today" how would that make you feel? Would it cancel out most of the negativity you've heard?
But I totally get how you feel like something is wrong with you, but I'm sure there isn't. It sounds like you've dealt with some major a-holes.
 
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