TW: Regressing

[Melchy]

Having gone through rounds 1 and 2, of which 2 was the worst, I now find that I'm in round 3 - and this one's looking like it's worse than 2.

For a load of reasons, I decided that the only way I can control my feelings/negativity in my life is by covering them up as I know best. I've completely lost faith in psychiatry following repeated bad experiences.

What makes this time worse is that in my mind I want this. I've a wealth of experience to draw on, and this time I know where the gotchas are and how to avoid them and, worse still (from the point of view of a doc), is that I know how to do it with maximum efficiency and speed.

I'm immersed in it. It's my way. I don't want help, just understanding. Which I know I won't get.

Prison

 

[Fairy Lucretia]

xxxx

 

[Melchy]

Bad bad weekend. Disordered. Deceitful. Trickery. Guilt tripping. Planning. Executing. More planning etc.
And it’s so that others can’t see me and what’s happening.
It’s a full time worry about food, hiding ya self , feeling guilty, rechecking tactics. Mustn’t fail. Mustn’t fail. Your life depends on it. Hide yourself. Don’t let people see u. You’re gross. If they find out, they’ll go ballistic. Your fault. You’re to blame. See..... it proves you’re a bad person. And u haven’t done enuf exercise today. You’re a FAILURE. You’ll have to double up on it when u can escape. In the meantime ur getting fatter.

Four hours sleep last night.