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Takingmybrain

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May 23, 2020
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141
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Leeds
Please can anyone help me make any sense of this. Im diagnosed with bpd, autism and ptsd.

Arpund 2 years ago i was self harming, attempting suicide and drinking out control and done that for many years ( 10 years) I was attending energencey department multiple times a month with self harm behaviours. But the the below happened and all that stopped.

Heard gavin a voice in my head since age 18 on off till now in my 30s. That was usual for me.

However, First time around In october 2018 i started hearing a group who called themselves "change for life" who i believed i met in a field and recruited me and changed my skin that went brown and peeled and and set me up ready for their war.i heard the group leader through a mega phone type thing through the sky and sent messages through my body also and commanding me making me do things to strengthen for the war. In the end i became to scared to go out side for fearing my life was at risk from them because they told me they were going to harm me for not co operating and needing to recrute new member instead of me they had kill me off. This went away after around 5 months ish. Diagnosed ititaally i believe with pesdusdo psychosis with my bpd diagnosis and lack my mh history then they stated they didnt really know if it was stress related or not in the end report.

I then Moved city in may 2019 ( all bad behaviours start stopping) and feared intruders in my house and started bringing knives next to my bed, could not sleep at all, like literally no sleep for months. Would listen to every noise in the house and obesess over doors and windows being locked. I would wake the person i live with up multiple times in the night asking if he heard stuff ect. Were he got annoyed with me for it.I started fearing going out alone and given a support worker to encourage me to go just to the park. Felt i needed take knives ect with me as didnt feel safe.

( had few overdoses at xmas 2019 due to annivery dates and hard time of year but no drinking ect.)

Since xmas then i feel constant paranioa about everyone trying to trick, fool, laughing, harm, kill or plot against me.
My head obesses over it constantly and buzz on high alert.

Then come around march ish i felt nhs trying to kill me and put cable ties in my neck and wanted to remove them .i did harm myself once very superfical. Then that they stole my children and ereased all memory off them.still not sure on either these are true? Do i even have children??

Still know nhs currently want me dead and they sent the man in the wall to watch over me and he is in charge of transmits voices to me inside my head but also outside my head like laughing sounds. I still hear gavin too inside my head and i dont know if he is on my side or the nhs side now. Its been last few weeks they have intensified their plans to harm me.

I havent had any self harming, ect. Since near xmas which then was a one off since 2018 when i was doing it multiple times a week.

The nhs sent the man in the wall to transmit the voices to kill me off because i used too many their rescources over the years.

Since i thought (or they did?) change for life recruited me to their war and threatened me my head has just been paraniod and obessive in a whole different way. What did they do to me? I really still dont know how much this is real and what not im literally so confused right now. Everyone says none its real and im just stressed.

Im literally at point of planning to dissapear to escape the nhs and tramsmiting wall man. Id rather kill myself first then them kill me though im not suicidal right now id like see my niece start school next week. I feel selfish leaving though.

I did stop all my meds totally well over a year ago. The chlorpromazine did used help control gavin years ago at higher doses before and slow the buzzing but i dont want be on that drug.

Have i swapped using self destructive behaviours to cope with this some how? But i feel like this is deffinatley happening? Im so confused???!!

I literally can not trust anyone,not even myself. Im scared and paraniod of everything.

Is this some kind of crazy coping mechanism occupying my brain thats been going on nearly 2 years now swapping thing to thing? But its not cos the man is deffinatley there! I know he is. F*ckkkk.

Help?!
 
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Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
2,940
Location
England
I am sorry your life has been so hard. I obviously don't know what is going on, what is wrong, how to help, but i do hope very much that life changes for the better for you. You deserve a happy life.

Many people on the forum have been through or are going through very difficult things too, so please keep writing and hopefully we can all help each other through it.

What are your plans for the day? It is cold here but sunny and dry. It's a nice day for a walk to the shop.
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
2,550
Location
Glasgow
Please can anyone help me make any sense of this. Im diagnosed with bpd, autism and ptsd.

Arpund 2 years ago i was self harming, attempting suicide and drinking out control and done that for many years ( 10 years) I was attending energencey department multiple times a month with self harm behaviours. But the the below happened and all that stopped.

Heard gavin a voice in my head since age 18 on off till now in my 30s. That was usual for me.

However, First time around In october 2018 i started hearing a group who called themselves "change for life" who i believed i met in a field and recruited me and changed my skin that went brown and peeled and and set me up ready for their war.i heard the group leader through a mega phone type thing through the sky and sent messages through my body also and commanding me making me do things to strengthen for the war. In the end i became to scared to go out side for fearing my life was at risk from them because they told me they were going to harm me for not co operating and needing to recrute new member instead of me they had kill me off. This went away after around 5 months ish. Diagnosed ititaally i believe with pesdusdo psychosis with my bpd diagnosis and lack my mh history then they stated they didnt really know if it was stress related or not in the end report.

I then Moved city in may 2019 ( all bad behaviours start stopping) and feared intruders in my house and started bringing knives next to my bed, could not sleep at all, like literally no sleep for months. Would listen to every noise in the house and obesess over doors and windows being locked. I would wake the person i live with up multiple times in the night asking if he heard stuff ect. Were he got annoyed with me for it.I started fearing going out alone and given a support worker to encourage me to go just to the park. Felt i needed take knives ect with me as didnt feel safe.

( had few overdoses at xmas 2019 due to annivery dates and hard time of year but no drinking ect.)

Since xmas then i feel constant paranioa about everyone trying to trick, fool, laughing, harm, kill or plot against me.
My head obesses over it constantly and buzz on high alert.

Then come around march ish i felt nhs trying to kill me and put cable ties in my neck and wanted to remove them .i did harm myself once very superfical. Then that they stole my children and ereased all memory off them.still not sure on either these are true? Do i even have children??

Still know nhs currently want me dead and they sent the man in the wall to watch over me and he is in charge of transmits voices to me inside my head but also outside my head like laughing sounds. I still hear gavin too inside my head and i dont know if he is on my side or the nhs side now. Its been last few weeks they have intensified their plans to harm me.

I havent had any self harming, ect. Since near xmas which then was a one off since 2018 when i was doing it multiple times a week.

The nhs sent the man in the wall to transmit the voices to kill me off because i used too many their rescources over the years.

Since i thought (or they did?) change for life recruited me to their war and threatened me my head has just been paraniod and obessive in a whole different way. What did they do to me? I really still dont know how much this is real and what not im literally so confused right now. Everyone says none its real and im just stressed.

Im literally at point of planning to dissapear to escape the nhs and tramsmiting wall man. Id rather kill myself first then them kill me though im not suicidal right now id like see my niece start school next week. I feel selfish leaving though.

I did stop all my meds totally well over a year ago. The chlorpromazine did used help control gavin years ago at higher doses before and slow the buzzing but i dont want be on that drug.

Have i swapped using self destructive behaviours to cope with this some how? But i feel like this is deffinatley happening? Im so confused???!!

I literally can not trust anyone,not even myself. Im scared and paraniod of everything.

Is this some kind of crazy coping mechanism occupying my brain thats been going on nearly 2 years now swapping thing to thing? But its not cos the man is deffinatley there! I know he is. F*ckkkk.

Help?!
Im really sorry for what you going through. Im no doc my you sound like me when i was younger, schizophrenic. Shitty thing to deal with but not the end of the world if you get it under control
 
T

Takingmybrain

Well-known member
Joined
May 23, 2020
Messages
141
Location
Leeds
I am sorry your life has been so hard. I obviously don't know what is going on, what is wrong, how to help, but i do hope very much that life changes for the better for you. You deserve a happy life.

Many people on the forum have been through or are going through very difficult things too, so please keep writing and hopefully we can all help each other through it.

What are your plans for the day? It is cold here but sunny and dry. It's a nice day for a walk to the shop.
Thanks for replying. I have some sheets my theraist gave me i need read through and think about today and entertain my young cat. Hope u have a good day.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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I have a cat too. She is mad about balloons so i have just blown one up for her.
 
T

Takingmybrain

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Joined
May 23, 2020
Messages
141
Location
Leeds
I have a cat too. She is mad about balloons so i have just blown one up for her.
Hmm my cats never seen a balloon. I think il have try get her one and see how she responds. She either hate or love it. Lol.my cats crazy though so either response will be extreme.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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My last cat was terrified but this one, from tiny, she was bursting them with her teeth and didn't even jump. As they deflate, she runs around with them between her teeth, you know the tied end. Anything light that she can pick up is a bit hit. She loves bubble wrap, cling film balls too. Tissue paper she lays on and rolls over. Cats are so funny aren't they.
 
T

Takingmybrain

Well-known member
Joined
May 23, 2020
Messages
141
Location
Leeds
My last cat was terrified but this one, from tiny, she was bursting them with her teeth and didn't even jump. As they deflate, she runs around with them between her teeth, you know the tied end. Anything light that she can pick up is a bit hit. She loves bubble wrap, cling film balls too. Tissue paper she lays on and rolls over. Cats are so funny aren't they.
Lol sounds alot like my cat! So funny.
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

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Location
Glasgow
Bubble wrap is a great idea! Im going to get a load for my wee monsters
 
Tawny

Tawny

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I have a piece i tied in a knot. I hear her rustling in the bedroom and then it dragging along the floor as she brings it to me as a 'present'.
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

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Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
2,550
Location
Glasgow
I have a piece i tied in a knot. I hear her rustling in the bedroom and then it dragging along the floor as she brings it to me as a 'present'.
Haha what a wee cracker. My wee monsters destroy everything so a roll of bubble wrap should keep the busy for a couple of days
 
T

Takingmybrain

Well-known member
Joined
May 23, 2020
Messages
141
Location
Leeds
I ended up writing out a better and more detailed version of my post and sent it to my therapist to discuss on friday. I really fear seeing my therapist though cos i have paranioa over her too right now. Its going to be tough.
 
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