Takingmybrain
Well-known member
Please can anyone help me make any sense of this. Im diagnosed with bpd, autism and ptsd.
Arpund 2 years ago i was self harming, attempting suicide and drinking out control and done that for many years ( 10 years) I was attending energencey department multiple times a month with self harm behaviours. But the the below happened and all that stopped.
Heard gavin a voice in my head since age 18 on off till now in my 30s. That was usual for me.
However, First time around In october 2018 i started hearing a group who called themselves "change for life" who i believed i met in a field and recruited me and changed my skin that went brown and peeled and and set me up ready for their war.i heard the group leader through a mega phone type thing through the sky and sent messages through my body also and commanding me making me do things to strengthen for the war. In the end i became to scared to go out side for fearing my life was at risk from them because they told me they were going to harm me for not co operating and needing to recrute new member instead of me they had kill me off. This went away after around 5 months ish. Diagnosed ititaally i believe with pesdusdo psychosis with my bpd diagnosis and lack my mh history then they stated they didnt really know if it was stress related or not in the end report.
I then Moved city in may 2019 ( all bad behaviours start stopping) and feared intruders in my house and started bringing knives next to my bed, could not sleep at all, like literally no sleep for months. Would listen to every noise in the house and obesess over doors and windows being locked. I would wake the person i live with up multiple times in the night asking if he heard stuff ect. Were he got annoyed with me for it.I started fearing going out alone and given a support worker to encourage me to go just to the park. Felt i needed take knives ect with me as didnt feel safe.
( had few overdoses at xmas 2019 due to annivery dates and hard time of year but no drinking ect.)
Since xmas then i feel constant paranioa about everyone trying to trick, fool, laughing, harm, kill or plot against me.
My head obesses over it constantly and buzz on high alert.
Then come around march ish i felt nhs trying to kill me and put cable ties in my neck and wanted to remove them .i did harm myself once very superfical. Then that they stole my children and ereased all memory off them.still not sure on either these are true? Do i even have children??
Still know nhs currently want me dead and they sent the man in the wall to watch over me and he is in charge of transmits voices to me inside my head but also outside my head like laughing sounds. I still hear gavin too inside my head and i dont know if he is on my side or the nhs side now. Its been last few weeks they have intensified their plans to harm me.
I havent had any self harming, ect. Since near xmas which then was a one off since 2018 when i was doing it multiple times a week.
The nhs sent the man in the wall to transmit the voices to kill me off because i used too many their rescources over the years.
Since i thought (or they did?) change for life recruited me to their war and threatened me my head has just been paraniod and obessive in a whole different way. What did they do to me? I really still dont know how much this is real and what not im literally so confused right now. Everyone says none its real and im just stressed.
Im literally at point of planning to dissapear to escape the nhs and tramsmiting wall man. Id rather kill myself first then them kill me though im not suicidal right now id like see my niece start school next week. I feel selfish leaving though.
I did stop all my meds totally well over a year ago. The chlorpromazine did used help control gavin years ago at higher doses before and slow the buzzing but i dont want be on that drug.
Have i swapped using self destructive behaviours to cope with this some how? But i feel like this is deffinatley happening? Im so confused???!!
I literally can not trust anyone,not even myself. Im scared and paraniod of everything.
Is this some kind of crazy coping mechanism occupying my brain thats been going on nearly 2 years now swapping thing to thing? But its not cos the man is deffinatley there! I know he is. F*ckkkk.
Help?!
Arpund 2 years ago i was self harming, attempting suicide and drinking out control and done that for many years ( 10 years) I was attending energencey department multiple times a month with self harm behaviours. But the the below happened and all that stopped.
Heard gavin a voice in my head since age 18 on off till now in my 30s. That was usual for me.
However, First time around In october 2018 i started hearing a group who called themselves "change for life" who i believed i met in a field and recruited me and changed my skin that went brown and peeled and and set me up ready for their war.i heard the group leader through a mega phone type thing through the sky and sent messages through my body also and commanding me making me do things to strengthen for the war. In the end i became to scared to go out side for fearing my life was at risk from them because they told me they were going to harm me for not co operating and needing to recrute new member instead of me they had kill me off. This went away after around 5 months ish. Diagnosed ititaally i believe with pesdusdo psychosis with my bpd diagnosis and lack my mh history then they stated they didnt really know if it was stress related or not in the end report.
I then Moved city in may 2019 ( all bad behaviours start stopping) and feared intruders in my house and started bringing knives next to my bed, could not sleep at all, like literally no sleep for months. Would listen to every noise in the house and obesess over doors and windows being locked. I would wake the person i live with up multiple times in the night asking if he heard stuff ect. Were he got annoyed with me for it.I started fearing going out alone and given a support worker to encourage me to go just to the park. Felt i needed take knives ect with me as didnt feel safe.
( had few overdoses at xmas 2019 due to annivery dates and hard time of year but no drinking ect.)
Since xmas then i feel constant paranioa about everyone trying to trick, fool, laughing, harm, kill or plot against me.
My head obesses over it constantly and buzz on high alert.
Then come around march ish i felt nhs trying to kill me and put cable ties in my neck and wanted to remove them .i did harm myself once very superfical. Then that they stole my children and ereased all memory off them.still not sure on either these are true? Do i even have children??
Still know nhs currently want me dead and they sent the man in the wall to watch over me and he is in charge of transmits voices to me inside my head but also outside my head like laughing sounds. I still hear gavin too inside my head and i dont know if he is on my side or the nhs side now. Its been last few weeks they have intensified their plans to harm me.
I havent had any self harming, ect. Since near xmas which then was a one off since 2018 when i was doing it multiple times a week.
The nhs sent the man in the wall to transmit the voices to kill me off because i used too many their rescources over the years.
Since i thought (or they did?) change for life recruited me to their war and threatened me my head has just been paraniod and obessive in a whole different way. What did they do to me? I really still dont know how much this is real and what not im literally so confused right now. Everyone says none its real and im just stressed.
Im literally at point of planning to dissapear to escape the nhs and tramsmiting wall man. Id rather kill myself first then them kill me though im not suicidal right now id like see my niece start school next week. I feel selfish leaving though.
I did stop all my meds totally well over a year ago. The chlorpromazine did used help control gavin years ago at higher doses before and slow the buzzing but i dont want be on that drug.
Have i swapped using self destructive behaviours to cope with this some how? But i feel like this is deffinatley happening? Im so confused???!!
I literally can not trust anyone,not even myself. Im scared and paraniod of everything.
Is this some kind of crazy coping mechanism occupying my brain thats been going on nearly 2 years now swapping thing to thing? But its not cos the man is deffinatley there! I know he is. F*ckkkk.
Help?!
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