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Tw: bulimia

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cc8

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Jan 11, 2022
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My grandad died last year. He was in his nineties but his death hit me really hard, as I was very close to him.

on the night he died I purged. It was the first time I had ever done that, but on and off I have been doing it ever since. More recently, when I have “bad food” like pizza or lots of chocolate I know I should stop eating but I keep going and then force myself to purge and it’s a vicious cycle at this stage.

I have sisters who are very slim, and I have have hated how i looked when I compare myself to them for as long as I can remember. I am in my mid twenties and I think that these issues have prevented me ever getting into a relationship also because deep down I truly don’t believe that anybody could find me attractive when I feel so disgusted at myself when I look in the mirror.

I would love to hear from anybody who has had similar issues to mine who could share their advice. I would also point out that not a single soul alive knows about this, I haven’t told my friends or my family because I told myself it was something I could stop at any time, but it might be more serious than that now.
 
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AlphaWhiskey

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Jan 2, 2022
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Oh I can relate to a lot of what you are saying: feeling undesirable, feeling like I don't want to tell anyone about ED behaviors because I have it under control and it's my thing- I don't want anyone to take it away from me. I struggled with restriction and purging for 15 years before I finally got the help I needed. I started out thinking I would see a therapist 2 or 3 times and have them tell me I was fine. Flash forward to now after residential treatment and continual weekly sessions with a therapist, I am still working through it all. For 15 years, it was the biggest secret of my life. I can tell you a few things I have learned through my own journey in understanding this vicious cycle:
-I kept it a secret for several reasons: 1) shame and embarrassment, and 2) fear of someone trying to take it away from me. What I've come to realize is that shame grows in darkness and dies in the light. The more I talked about my struggles the less shame I had and the easier it was for me to understand. I've also learned that no one is in control of me and that it is ultimately up to me whether or not I try to interrupt ED behaviors.
-The behaviors (sounds like purging in your case) actually serve a useful purpose and that is why you do it. For me, food control gave me a sense of overall control over life and it eased other deep anxieties. Of course you will reach for things that make you feel better even if they logically are not "healthy." You are not crazy for engaging in this behavior, you are simply trying to feel better. (I say "you" and I mean this is what I have learned to tell myself. My guess is you are in a similar situation).
-You do not have to be passing out, severely under weight, or demonstrate other medical complications in order to be seek help. Sounds like you could really benefit from some guidance from a therapist, doctor and dietician to help you conceptualize what you need to be eating and work with the body shame you have and all the other things wrapped up in leading to your need for these eating disorder behaviors.

Ok. Sorry for the long reply. It just hits me deep to hear how big of a secret this has been for you and how it hasn't seemed like a big deal. It is and you deserve help and support.
 

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