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Trying to Stay

8SonDer8

8SonDer8

Member
Joined
Jun 25, 2018
Messages
20
Hi Everyone.

It`s been awhile since I've posted... prior I was struggling pretty intensely.
I ended up in rehab for 2 mos. Stayed sober for a little over a year... but comes and goes lately.
Fighting. Really hard night tonight. This was the last time I felt I was in a community of caring individuals, many of whom took the time to message me personally... even if it was years ago, my intention is to write back.
I am tired. Exhausted actually. This battle doesn't seem worth it most of the time.
I feel so alone, all of the time. It's feels so glaringly obvious that I've failed, at everything.
I seem to exclusively attract people who love who I am for how I make *them* feel
It's been years and years that I do everything to help...
But when I need help, there's no one there.
And I've done therapy, and read endlessly, and hoped ... and I don't know.
Are some of us just what we feel we are?
Receptacles of everyone else's issues and pain with zero relief for ourselves, ever?
I've asked and set boundaries and tried and people seem to react like I'm the most selfish person in the world.
And I feel selfish, and useless, and needless
I know this sounds victim-y and stupid.
I guess I am hoping someone understands...
I'm told so constantly that I am super positive by the people around me
Yet, I feel like every part of me is crumbling, and tired of supporting everyone and not having any support myself
And the selfishness that thought makes me feel, makes me nauseous
Who thinks like this? Clearly not someone who deserves anything good.
My mom hates me. My brothers only talk to me when they need something.
And it's funny because they succeed constantly at their goals....dreams. Even thought they treat people terribly (in my opinion, manipulating, using...for their own happiness and personal gains) they have so many friends, support and love.
And I just keep attracting people that love how I help them and how I make them feel...
I must be fucking up somewhere, everywhere...
But kindness doesn't seem to work in this world.
The things I believe in doesn't work.
Leading by example...
Treating people with kindness and compassion... and I'm so sorry I don't mean to sound like I expect the SAME in return. I don't . I think we're all different in our capacity to give... but to the extent that you're ignored ?
I've always thought that if you find problems with everyone YOU must be the problem.
I'm definitely missing something...
i believe in not letting any life circumstance make you bitter...
Yet I've become angry, bitter, resentful...
I think I expect more than I thought..
Probably too much.
I'm just the worst person.
My mom must be laughing in her grave ... joyful
She hated me . So much.
And No matter how hard I try I fail.
There's never a break, relief, a moment....of feeling like I deserve anything better.
When I feel like I do- there's definitely an occurrence to show me than I'm not.
Okay I know I do sound victim-y/am being victim-y
I'm sorry .
 
Lance__

Lance__

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2019
Messages
262
Location
Spain
Welcome again, 8SonDer8. It seems you have been through a lot :hug: I hope you can find here a safe place to express yourself and to feel like you are supported and accepted. You deserve to feel loved and to love yourself. You matter, and you are important. Don't forget that.
 
8SonDer8

8SonDer8

Member
Joined
Jun 25, 2018
Messages
20
Thank you so much for responding Midnight Phoenix & Lance...:hug:
I truly needed those hugs... :redface:
It's been a long... forever.
I don't even want to re-read what I wrote-
I am very fortunate to have a really brilliant therapist which took a very long time to find, and secure funds to continue to see but I am trying my best to be patient with myself.
That pity party went rollercoastery for the rest of the week.
I went hardcore into it on Saturday - like you know how they say the way past pain isn't in fact PAST it, but THROUGH it? I decided to head on, dive in. It was painful AF. Never things or situations we want to re-live... mental pain can be so physically painful... but doing it, got me to another side. Sunday was a good day. I felt clearer and less heavy. I know the triggers are still there, and I was able to start the process of detangling them in therapy on Monday.
And just holding on to the hope that I have managed to overcome things I never thought I could... that relationships are the hardest thing to secure because they involve volatile creatures - human beings who are most often incredibly unaware of their own pain and unwilling to inspect it. That if a whole community of people like you exist, there must be a point in time coming that if I don't give up, I will have no choice but to meet similar souls- who are willing to be vulnerable and honest and give and share in more balanced ways. And that I admit I have such a huge issue receiving love of any kind that I have denied it. There is a type of control in wanting to give endlessly and never receive- and for that I take ownership. I believe until I get to a place where I *KNOW* I deserve to receive love, I probably never will, simply because I'm too afraid.... for whatever reason I am exploring... but it is an area I can see my thoughts/feelings/emotions are not aligned. Never a recipe for clarity on anything, right?

Writing to a forum of souls who understands some of this means the world to me right now, and I really want to do it consistently this time.Respecting my energy levels and general introverted nature... it may not be as often as I pressure myself too but Thank you for your kindness and hugs and just letting me be...

I wish we could all just let each other be.

Wishing all a beautiful night.
xx
 
D

Dispatch

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 9, 2020
Messages
333
Location
USA
Hey 8 ... I live by (trying) to treat others they way I would like to be treated ... it’s not always reciprocated but if I know I did my best I feel pretty good about that ...
 
8SonDer8

8SonDer8

Member
Joined
Jun 25, 2018
Messages
20
Hi Dispatch :)

May I ask, was there ever a time you didn't feel good about it?
Like, I have gone so many years just feeling like being kind and doing the 'right' thing was reward enough. In the past few years though, it's like every ounce of the dismissive, lack of empathy, etc. endured has come back to attack me in this bitter hellscape of pain and anger.

I don't regret being kind, I continue to be kind- though trying to grasp the concept of healthy boundaries. My therapist has guided me to observe that my standing up for myself, asking for what I need, or basically just wanting any kind of kindness in return from human beings makes me feel selfish and bad because I grew up this way. Abused if wanting anything for myself.

I am probably projecting a lot of unmet needs from childhood into the present ... but I'm also kind of done feeling HAPPY with just being used for therapy and kind words. I deserve to have people in my life who give a fuck about me as much as I do about them, don't we all?

My therapist has also enlightened me to the fact this is shows much improvement and better self-esteem... better boundaries- than just Giving endlessly with nothing coming back in return. Not nothing- actual shitty, dismissive, and judgmental comments from the same dumbass people who soak up the empathy I offer them. FUCK THIS !!!!

I think it's great that you've gotten to a place where you're just content be kind but my question is, have you been to the other side of it? The angry place before maybe you bounce back into Not minding? I emotionally want to go back to not minding- but I don't know how.

I just want more for myself.

And I don't want to feel guilty about it. I want to feel like HELLS YA I deserve this- and I won't quit until I find GOOD PEOPLE.

I may rather be alone than just have 'friends' who want my energy without giving any in return.

And that is something I guess I'll have to live with.
 
Lance__

Lance__

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2019
Messages
262
Location
Spain
Thank you so much for responding Midnight Phoenix & Lance...:hug:
I truly needed those hugs... :redface:
It's been a long... forever.
I don't even want to re-read what I wrote-
I am very fortunate to have a really brilliant therapist which took a very long time to find, and secure funds to continue to see but I am trying my best to be patient with myself.
That pity party went rollercoastery for the rest of the week.
I went hardcore into it on Saturday - like you know how they say the way past pain isn't in fact PAST it, but THROUGH it? I decided to head on, dive in. It was painful AF. Never things or situations we want to re-live... mental pain can be so physically painful... but doing it, got me to another side. Sunday was a good day. I felt clearer and less heavy. I know the triggers are still there, and I was able to start the process of detangling them in therapy on Monday.
And just holding on to the hope that I have managed to overcome things I never thought I could... that relationships are the hardest thing to secure because they involve volatile creatures - human beings who are most often incredibly unaware of their own pain and unwilling to inspect it. That if a whole community of people like you exist, there must be a point in time coming that if I don't give up, I will have no choice but to meet similar souls- who are willing to be vulnerable and honest and give and share in more balanced ways. And that I admit I have such a huge issue receiving love of any kind that I have denied it. There is a type of control in wanting to give endlessly and never receive- and for that I take ownership. I believe until I get to a place where I *KNOW* I deserve to receive love, I probably never will, simply because I'm too afraid.... for whatever reason I am exploring... but it is an area I can see my thoughts/feelings/emotions are not aligned. Never a recipe for clarity on anything, right?

Writing to a forum of souls who understands some of this means the world to me right now, and I really want to do it consistently this time.Respecting my energy levels and general introverted nature... it may not be as often as I pressure myself too but Thank you for your kindness and hugs and just letting me be...

I wish we could all just let each other be.

Wishing all a beautiful night.
xx
Glad to have you back here :hug: don't have to feel bad about your first post, it was a reflection of how you were feeling, and it is completely ok not to be ok. But it's good to know you are doing better now.
I think healthy boundaries are good for ourselves, especially if we have had difficulties saying 'no' to others all our lives and we have thought we didn't deserve anything better. I'd say that saying 'no' doesn't have to be in confrontation with kindness. It's just that sometimes we are not available, or we don't feel like doing something we were asked, but that doesn't mean we can not decline a request with assertiveness, or that it made us less kind. Indeed, I have found that once you start to set boundaries (in an assertive way), people respect you more. It has been curious to discover that. And if someone gets angry because of it, it is their problem, and I'd say that they are not really good friends and do not have your wellbeing in mind. Better to be surrounded by open and caring people, who accept the real you and can understand your feelings without judging. That kind of people are really worth keeping and fighting for.
 
D

Dispatch

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 9, 2020
Messages
333
Location
USA
Hi Dispatch :)

May I ask, was there ever a time you didn't feel good about it?
Like, I have gone so many years just feeling like being kind and doing the 'right' thing was reward enough. In the past few years though, it's like every ounce of the dismissive, lack of empathy, etc. endured has come back to attack me in this bitter hellscape of pain and anger.

I don't regret being kind, I continue to be kind- though trying to grasp the concept of healthy boundaries. My therapist has guided me to observe that my standing up for myself, asking for what I need, or basically just wanting any kind of kindness in return from human beings makes me feel selfish and bad because I grew up this way. Abused if wanting anything for myself.

I am probably projecting a lot of unmet needs from childhood into the present ... but I'm also kind of done feeling HAPPY with just being used for therapy and kind words. I deserve to have people in my life who give a fuck about me as much as I do about them, don't we all?

My therapist has also enlightened me to the fact this is shows much improvement and better self-esteem... better boundaries- than just Giving endlessly with nothing coming back in return. Not nothing- actual shitty, dismissive, and judgmental comments from the same dumbass people who soak up the empathy I offer them. FUCK THIS !!!!

I think it's great that you've gotten to a place where you're just content be kind but my question is, have you been to the other side of it? The angry place before maybe you bounce back into Not minding? I emotionally want to go back to not minding- but I don't know how.

I just want more for myself.

And I don't want to feel guilty about it. I want to feel like HELLS YA I deserve this- and I won't quit until I find GOOD PEOPLE.

I may rather be alone than just have 'friends' who want my energy without giving any in return.

And that is something I guess I'll have to live with.
Yes , of course there are times when I feel like I was the only one giving whatever it may be ... being supportive, cheering someone up, etc ... but never getting anything coming back my way ... it is definitely frustrating and it does anger me ... it’s when I reflect back on what and how that conversation went ... and btw that’s what I always do is replay the conversation over and over again in my mind ... that’s when I usually come to the conclusion that I did my best trying to help but it’s really up to the other person to fix what’s bothering them ... most of the time I’m pretty occupied trying to navigate my own path through life. I’ve come to learn over the years that most people are self absorbed and are looking for some kind of validation for thoughts they have for addressing their own problems ... that’s why I can shrug my shoulders and say well I tried . If I get dismissed or whatever I say fuck it ... good luck, I probably won’t be giving them too much of my time from that point on ... does that make sense
 
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