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Trying to run before i can walk!

S

starlingsrest

New member
Joined
Oct 15, 2009
Messages
2
Think iv'e put myself back 6 steps today!

I ended my last r'ship mid Dec bcos my partner lied to me needlessly. (not for the first time either)
I have major trust issues and had been open about my need for transparency in a r'ship. Im also well aware i set impossible tasks and expectations on anyone trying to get beyond lust towards intimacy.

We were together just over 2 years, I had starved her of all the words actions n deeds she fell in love with and when that didnt work my mind went on overdrive.

Next came the hypervigilence, interrogating, accusing checking up silent treatment........ the 2 mutual friends we had, became enemies ganging up on me, "everyone knows and is laffin at me, decieving me! Or so I felt

We all still walk our dogs in the park, well they walk together and i stick to my self imposed isolation until that was i started going at diff times to avoid the escalation of paranoia every time i saw them. No matter what time i went they seemed to be there or arrive shortly after......
K so I'm feeling unsafe start acting like a total nutter, a ferel cat ready to kill any f***er who my brain said was risky to my survival.
Occasionally i got glimpses of rationality that left me feeling physically sick at my behaviour and guilty cos the 3 of them were saying they cared wanted to be my friends.

That confuddled me even more, i f***ed em all off, alienated everyone just to get reprieve from the constant racing brain and thoughts of what i wanted to do to people just in case they were taking the piss.

Stayed away from any contact shut myself in my cocoon started to decontaminate and reclaim my 'Home' (safety)
in the process i threw out all my bedding smashed up the wardrobe fitment trying to find where the voices were coming from, got rid of my bed, I also gave my living rm furniture away, the list goes on.

I have got myself into a £1000 of debt i cant afford buying new furniture with gay abandon.

Getting more concerned that these voices were not friendly so confused and alone i saw my gp (just incase i was murdered or murdered someone else. Referred to CMHT put on new meds changed around current meds, dont know where i am with them..................Started to come down and feel a little more positive last couple of days.

Today I was feeling calm on reflection, perhaps a little too elated, I saw the ex and 1 of the friends in the park, walked right up to the dogs and fussed them, iv'e missed the dogs so much more than people.
The ex spoke to me, it was a pleasant if not a strained interaction.

Later today im thinking..."you did really well in the park maybe we can be friends afterall"......so i text her "was gd to speak today i have missed u hope ur valentines day is a gd 1"

The longer that i got no reply the more i started building scenarios and getting jealous thoughts, i tried to keep busy went to a friends for lunch spoke of anything but the ex, but no sooner had i left there than i started with the secret agent stuff, I so wanted to go and check if she was with a woman i thought she was attracted to when we were together.
I feel really f***ed up again

Iv'e now sent a txt to that woman saying "what u up to, hows ur day been?"
She hasnt replied so 2and2 make..........make my head crazy why cant i stop this, i dont fancy her, i dont wanna be with her, i do miss the companionship we shared.......it all feels so irrational i dont wanna exhaust myself with it again.
I wished i'd ignored them.

Sorry had no idea i was gonna write all that, ty for the space to LET GO!
love light n hope:oops:
 
Enpi

Enpi

Well-known member
Joined
May 16, 2009
Messages
83
Location
I.R.Iran
Hi
I'm really sorry that you're in such a complicated and unpleasant situation. I wish I could do something for you, but right now all I can do is to tell you that I care and I seriously hope for things to get better for you. Try not to be too paranoid and pessimistic. Spend more time with friends whom you can trust. You might even be able to find a new partner. Take care :hug:
 
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