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Trying to rebuild myself after the abuse

meeshmallow

meeshmallow

Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2013
Messages
22
Location
Canada
Two years ago I got out of an emotionally/physically abusive relationship, which resulted in me being hospitalized from being so depressed and suicidal. I'm realizing how abusive he really was. He's bipolar AND borderline and really f***ed with my head for a year and a half.

  • He blamed me for causing him to remember his repressed memories of being molested as a child.
  • He told me the only reason he dated me was because of my looks.
  • He convinced me that I have serious mental problems (like him).
  • He convinced me that I'm a selfish person.
Two years since... and I still don't feel any better about myself. I'm struggling so hard with seeing my own value, but all I see are the bad things that he focused on. There's way more to it than that small list, he completely degraded my self esteem and I've never lacked so much confidence before. I had self esteem issues before him but he just made everything so much worse. He left me with nothing of myself. He wasn't happy with the way I looked and made subtle hints for me to improve my appearance, while fully knowing that I'm self-conscious as it is (wax my face, dye my hair because my roots were showing).

I guess I need some support, I know it's not going to be easy. Sometimes I feel fine, and then something happens and I revert back to this endless way of thinking. My mind works against me and I don't believe many positive things about myself. It doesn't matter what people tell me, it's not gonna work if I don't believe it.

The abuse is catching up with me and I feel like a victim again.
 
T

trapped inside

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May 14, 2013
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6
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bristol,england
its never easy getting over abuse specially from a love one it hurts you in ways you just cant explain,the flaws he saw in you where mirrors of himself imperfections he could not change but he could change you and control you which gave him power no human in the world deserves to be abused but we all no this to happen and we are all victims of some form of abuse and the dark truth is some of us go on to abuse others not saying its right its what he was programmed to think was normal and right from a early age and that teaching stays with you through out your life I am not sticking up for him I was hoping to give you a better insight you will get stronger but it does take time and I am 100% sure your a beautiful human being inside
 
meeshmallow

meeshmallow

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Joined
Apr 4, 2013
Messages
22
Location
Canada
its never easy getting over abuse specially from a love one it hurts you in ways you just cant explain,the flaws he saw in you where mirrors of himself imperfections he could not change but he could change you and control you which gave him power no human in the world deserves to be abused but we all no this to happen and we are all victims of some form of abuse and the dark truth is some of us go on to abuse others not saying its right its what he was programmed to think was normal and right from a early age and that teaching stays with you through out your life I am not sticking up for him I was hoping to give you a better insight you will get stronger but it does take time and I am 100% sure your a beautiful human being inside
Thank you, but I worry that I'll treat other people like that now. I can tell my mindset has changed and I have no natural urge to help people, and I feel like being a bitch. I can't get over how annoying some are, and the more I learn about today's society the more I don't care. There are just too many stupid people in the world for me to be tolerant.

Sometimes I wish I was dumb... ignorance is bliss right.
 
meeshmallow

meeshmallow

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Joined
Apr 4, 2013
Messages
22
Location
Canada
Maguru said:
I chuckled when I read this. I went through the same. It's like the switch has been flipped. From thinking I was a good kind nice person, I was suddenly thinking the opposite. Deep down on the inside, I was a real evil bitch! Yikes! Who the hell am I? It was a great experience and it liberated me from all the suppression. You go for it. Let it all up. This is your dark-side that you will find is your friend. It all passes as it begins to balance itself out. I wish you well.
BTW it has nothing to do with anyone else except for them being your button pushers. :)
Oh that's a bit of a relief :rolleyes: I guess all those years (my whole life) of not speaking my mind have built up, and now it's like I'm tired of taking people's crap and I'm tired of allowing it to happen. Makes sense!
 
B

becky_jase

Guest
A very sad situation. I can relate to this a lot. I know what it's like to be controlled. Brainwashed and losing who you are. Truth is, I still and didn't know who I was. It left me damaged but not broken. Ultmately it led me to a lot of issues. Trust was one of them.

What helped me was having therapy. Talking therapy which I still have now. It takes a long time to get through this kind of tramua. I suggest you find some support. I'm not sure what kind of support you have in your life?

Please don't give up and get some support!
 
bert tomato

bert tomato

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Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
6,840
Some guys are total jerks. My 'friends' who are guys have caused me serious mental trauma over the years. A 5 minute phone call, can leave me reeling for days. They make me feel as if I have serious personality flaws, and they are perfect. Well they can screw themselves. Not bothered with it.
 
F

fallen

Guest
bert, there is nothing wrong with you. Sometimes we are 'friends' with people who don't play straight and are only out for themselves-that's not a friendship imho. Put yourself first and speak up and then if they don't like it-go find some new decent friends. x
 
B

Barly

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May 18, 2013
Messages
139
Re

He blamed me for causing him to remember
- - - - - - - - -

You were the most logical person to say it to, the only person before him at that time.

As well as everything else.

He left me with nothing of myself.
- - - - - - - - -

When you are looking at things ask yourself if you remember any of it from when you were much younger, and use them for a little while.
 
meeshmallow

meeshmallow

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Messages
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Location
Canada
Put yourself first and speak up and then if they don't like it-go find some new decent friends. x
I agree with this, I've been trying very hard to speak my mind (sometimes I worry I say too much now) to the people in my life, and with this I'm learning who is my real friend. People that can't be bothered with me, I won't be bothered with them. It sucks in some ways because I don't have many friends as it is, but I'd still rather keep toxic people that aren't good for my self-esteem out of my life.

I never used to be that honest in the past, but now it's showing me who I should maybe be around.
 
meeshmallow

meeshmallow

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Joined
Apr 4, 2013
Messages
22
Location
Canada
Some guys are total jerks. My 'friends' who are guys have caused me serious mental trauma over the years. A 5 minute phone call, can leave me reeling for days. They make me feel as if I have serious personality flaws, and they are perfect. Well they can screw themselves. Not bothered with it.
I'm just trying to remember that it's in the past now, and I can't do anything about it. I try to remember that's not who I am anymore. <3
 
B

Barly

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May 18, 2013
Messages
139
Re

I'm struggling so hard with seeing my own value, but all I see are the bad things that he focused on.

Have you heard the term 'suspend disbelief'? Well there is a similar term 'suspend belief'.

The first applies to stories of many kinds, the second applies to reality.

Subject yourself to a wider amount of informaton input, both text and pictures and anything else, and think of yourself as being among those who have undergone it.

Let multiple things that are in the positive apply to you too.
 
D

diddypinks

ACCOUNT CLOSED
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Jun 7, 2009
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1,948
womens aid and the YMCA some run support groups I did a course on one of them called the Susie project a womens group just a thought.
 
B

Barly

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May 18, 2013
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Re

I'm learning who is my real friend. People that can't be bothered with me, I won't be bothered with them.

Are you sure that this attitude is correct?

There can be a number of reasons why people are concerning themselves with us. Sometimes speaking with them reveals that they are busy and have a lot of things on their mind.
 
K

killswitchon

Guest
I just got out of a 4 month long abusive relationship with a girl and I know what you're saying. I already had some issues with self esteem prior to her in my life so now im reeling. It's intense for sure trying to rewire the psychological and emotional damage but it is very possible with time when surrounded by the right people and a healthy medium to express the old stuff and get it out of your system. it sucks now but you will continue to advance and move forward day by day, week by week and eventually you will look back to this day and you will be pleasantly shocked that you don't recognize yourself anymore!
:hug:
Best wishes
 
scitzorich

scitzorich

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May 27, 2013
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73
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rotherham
It does get easyer!!!!

I know exactly how it feels to go through abuse because i was abused by my mother when i was a kid luckly my mother got found out and then i got taken away from her and grew up with my gather and the thing that i can yell you about abuse is that it never leaves you and i still get those flash back thoughts even now 16 years afyer it has happened but theres one thing i do know is it gets easyer to deal with as time passes and its like a bad dream you never forget it but you can move on and thats the best advice i can give is you got to try and move on put it to the back of your mind and go forward. I hope these words stay with you and i hope you can turn things around!!!!!
 
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