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Trying to process why my dad killed my sister..

Hopeful313

Hopeful313

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
892
Location
Minnesota, USA
I


I see, that must make it even harder if relations with your mum and siblings are already so difficult. If cutting ties with your family is what you need right now that is fair enough. It sounds like you have been through a lot with them. I'm glad your wife would not be afraid, maybe you will be able to talk with her and keep it from your children while they are so young. Your desire to protect your family from the bad things is beautiful and noble but it can become a large burden. I imagine if your wife was holding a secret like this you would want her to tell you, perhaps she would feel the same. It is a lot to carry alone. Even if you do not tell your wife I hope you can find someone in your life who will support you with this
My culture is so complicated. The families honor and reputation is sacred and I have to abide by that practice. This means I can’t even tell my wife about it. This forum is my only way to vent and express my thoughts and frustration.

The good thing is I can trust my therapist and I’ve known her for 15 years. She’s like family to me. I’ll get to talk to her and tell her how difficult my situation is right now.

My children’s physical and mental well being is very important. I don’t want them to experience trauma like I did when I was younger.

Thank you and I really appreciate your time and effort to help me.
 
Flameheart

Flameheart

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Nov 7, 2018
Messages
1,377
Location
Lost
don't feel guilty for what he did, you didn't know for the longest time, my dad did terrible things too and I loved him a lot at one point

I don't know your culture, but I'd say most family seems to have dark secrets, but it doesn't make us all evil because of one bad apple
 
Luci

Luci

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 15, 2019
Messages
508
Location
England
Hi Hopeful!
I am sorry to hear this, I cant begin to imagine how you are feeling. Explore this with your therapist, they know you and will be able to help you process this new information.
You appear to me a very loving father and place your children as priority. Use that to keep your strength and motivation up day to day. Your children will not experience the same things you have had to. You are more than able to protect them and raise them well and will do :) our strength as parents should never be underestimated!
I can relate with what you are saying with regard to 'bad' things happening to 'bad people. I believe that if youintentioanlly do wrong you or protect someone who does, you or your family will face consequences. Bad luck, bad experiences. Good, honest and fair people experience 'better' lives and circumstances. Of course life doesn't always work this way and bad people will have experiences they dont deserve and good people will suffer, but there is a greater balance and we are all rewarded or punished in the end.
With regard to your family, I agree with you. If contact with them causes you anxiety, stress and worry and no positives then they don't have a place in your life, or that of your children. I haven't spoken to my mother for over 15 years. She is toxic, selfish and does not deserve to share my joy. Life is too short so share with people who don't bring us joy and love.
I hope you find some comfort and support in your replies xx
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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Joined
Jun 11, 2017
Messages
2,155
Location
USA
I'm really sorry for what you're going through Hopeful.I get how much of a mind fu*k it is to find out something so horrible and how hard it is to wrap your mind around it.

I know it will be hard to talk to your therapist about but really it's the best thing for you to do right now,even if you have to write it out on a piece of paper and hand it to her to read.

I was so glad I had my therapist to talk to about something similar(which btw,I think you're brave for sharing what happened here).I was able to express every thought and emotion I had about it with him and he was very supportive and helpful.My sister was going to go to the police with it,while I was trying to talk her out of it because I knew it would just bring the media into our lives and makes things worse and he helped me through that stress and worry(I was glad she didn't go to the police afterall).It was an old,unsolved case and then it popped up in the news again and there was evidence that was going to be tested and my therapist was right there for/with me through that too.I knew he genuinely cared and was concerned and that was exactly what I needed at the time.Like you,I knew I couldn't tell anyone and that made it harder to deal with not having anyone to talk to about it and I was grateful for my therapist.

Unfortuantely though I did end up having to tell my husband and my kids before the DNA results were released in the media,and it made me sick to have to tell them.Especially my kids,having to tell them something so horrible about their grandfather.It kind of opened the floodgates and I had to talk about some pretty difficult things with them.

It was such a rough time.I became obsessed with wanting to know the details,I went through all different thoughts and emotions.It took awhile but I was eventually able to make peace with it and stopped with all the questions and trying to understand why.

I know it's all so fresh and raw right now but it will get easier eventually for you too.

Hugs
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
892
Location
Minnesota, USA
don't feel guilty for what he did, you didn't know for the longest time, my dad did terrible things too and I loved him a lot at one point

I don't know your culture, but I'd say most family seems to have dark secrets, but it doesn't make us all evil because of one bad apple
Thank @BPDevil

I always thought that my family was the best. It’s a big disappointment really more than anything else. My dad meant high moral standards for me. I never wanted his image to exceed my expectations but not this time.

I don’t think my family has any darker secrets than this one. I hope I can move on soon.
I don’t like violence and I will never inflict pain on any person, family or not.

Thanks for your reply and you support.
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
892
Location
Minnesota, USA
Hi Hopeful!
I am sorry to hear this, I cant begin to imagine how you are feeling. Explore this with your therapist, they know you and will be able to help you process this new information.
You appear to me a very loving father and place your children as priority. Use that to keep your strength and motivation up day to day. Your children will not experience the same things you have had to. You are more than able to protect them and raise them well and will do :) our strength as parents should never be underestimated!
I can relate with what you are saying with regard to 'bad' things happening to 'bad people. I believe that if youintentioanlly do wrong you or protect someone who does, you or your family will face consequences. Bad luck, bad experiences. Good, honest and fair people experience 'better' lives and circumstances. Of course life doesn't always work this way and bad people will have experiences they dont deserve and good people will suffer, but there is a greater balance and we are all rewarded or punished in the end.
With regard to your family, I agree with you. If contact with them causes you anxiety, stress and worry and no positives then they don't have a place in your life, or that of your children. I haven't spoken to my mother for over 15 years. She is toxic, selfish and does not deserve to share my joy. Life is too short so share with people who don't bring us joy and love.
I hope you find some comfort and support in your replies xx
Hi @Luci

I can’t thank you enough for your comforting words and thoughts.

If it wasn’t for my kids, I don’t think that I will live around or close to anyone. I know people are not the same but I’ve feel I’ve been betrayed by my dad for some reason.

I think my mom never said anything because she was afraid of my dad. She told me once that when she lost a baby, my dad was threatening her not to raise her voice. He was telling her if he hears her cry, he will throw the body in the sewer. I don’t understand she cries when she remembers my dad and she prays for him.

I believe that because he killed my sister, the whole family suffered some kind of a curse or karma. She was 17. I don’t what she did but no matter what she did, she didn’t deserve to lose here life for it.

As for me and my kids, I don’t even use threats against them or say things that will hurt their feelings. I’ve experienced so much to know that saying disrespectful things to children can effect their self esteem and confidence.

Thanks once again. You guys have been so kind and so supportive.
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
892
Location
Minnesota, USA
I'm really sorry for what you're going through Hopeful.I get how much of a mind fu*k it is to find out something so horrible and how hard it is to wrap your mind around it.

I know it will be hard to talk to your therapist about but really it's the best thing for you to do right now,even if you have to write it out on a piece of paper and hand it to her to read.

I was so glad I had my therapist to talk to about something similar(which btw,I think you're brave for sharing what happened here).I was able to express every thought and emotion I had about it with him and he was very supportive and helpful.My sister was going to go to the police with it,while I was trying to talk her out of it because I knew it would just bring the media into our lives and makes things worse and he helped me through that stress and worry(I was glad she didn't go to the police afterall).It was an old,unsolved case and then it popped up in the news again and there was evidence that was going to be tested and my therapist was right there for/with me through that too.I knew he genuinely cared and was concerned and that was exactly what I needed at the time.Like you,I knew I couldn't tell anyone and that made it harder to deal with not having anyone to talk to about it and I was grateful for my therapist.

Unfortuantely though I did end up having to tell my husband and my kids before the DNA results were released in the media,and it made me sick to have to tell them.Especially my kids,having to tell them something so horrible about their grandfather.It kind of opened the floodgates and I had to talk about some pretty difficult things with them.

It was such a rough time.I became obsessed with wanting to know the details,I went through all different thoughts and emotions.It took awhile but I was eventually able to make peace with it and stopped with all the questions and trying to understand why.

I know it's all so fresh and raw right now but it will get easier eventually for you too.

Hugs
Thank you @SunnyDaze

I am sorry that you had to go through a similar situation/experience. It’s very difficult to deal with. I had to get some details from my sister this morning because I couldn’t put my mind to rest. She gave hints, not the whole thing but I got a clear picture of how he did it.

I feel this unbearable heaviness in my chest every time I think about it. I need to stop thinking about before it destroys me completely. I wish it’s Monday already. I think I will be able to talk to my therapist about it but it sure will be difficult.

I am sorry that your kids had to go through that experience. My kids will not know anything about it. They have a peaceful life now and I want them to enjoy it.

I am going to try my best to occupy myself with something till Monday.

Much appreciation for your time and effort to help me.
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
892
Location
Minnesota, USA
just dropping by to give more love x I am glad you are getting good support xxxxxx
You’ve been so generous with your kindness and support Lu.
It’s overwhelming and touching to receive this much support from you all and you guys don’t even know me.

I wish you all the best in life.
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
892
Location
Minnesota, USA
I want to thank you all for your help and support. Today is when I got out of the house and forgot about it this. I was so obsessed with what happened.
The feeling of agitation, anger, desperation was awful. I think my OCD was high since I heard that.

I occupied myself with the kids going on a bike ride and finishing some studio setup work.

Thanks again and peace and blessings to you all.
 
C

claude

Guest
Best of luck today hopeful. I will be thinking of you. I hope you can speak to your therapist today and that the agitation eases. I pray that in time you can make a kind of peace with this awful tragedy and enjoy your life with your kids in honour of your sister. You are clearly a wonderful kind and thoughtful father, they are lucky to have you and I wish you all the best.
Let us know on here if we can support you on the way :hug:
 
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