Trying to process why my dad killed my sister..

Hopeful313

Hopeful313

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#1
They always told me that my oldest sister died in a fire while she was in the shower. She was 17 when that happened. There are many issues that I was struggling to accept or maybe to understand in my family.

My dad was a very good man. He was known in our town back home in Iraq. It’s a tribal society that everyone knows everyone to the extent of if you ask 4 people about a specific person, at least one of them will know that person and can tell you who he is and which tribe and lineage they belong to.

I always looked up to my dad as my role model. He struggled so much and suffered really bad to raise his family until he was disabled and home bound for deteriorating health. I was taking care of him throughout the years until he passed away in 2001.

Recently, unusual things happened in the family to the point it felt like it was a curse. I was frustrated to know why is this happening to my family(brothers and sisters).

I asked my other sister have mom and dad did something bad that we, their own flesh and blood, have to be cursed?

Her answer was like a stab to my heart. I panicked to the point I was about to grab my back pack and run away leaving my wife and children. I couldn’t breath and I stooped her just in time before telling me how it did happen.

It turned out that my father had killed my oldest sister. He murdered her and he got away with it. I don’t know how.

I am struggling to remember him in my prayers even. I don’t know what to think. This matter is bothering me everyday. I spend hours thinking about it. How could he do that?

Only when I am thinking that my mental health is finally improving, I got to hear this and it’s destroying me. I can’t even eat or sleep. I am very scared and terrified. I don’t know how to let it go or how to accept that. I don’t even know if that should be acceptable as a way to move on.
I cried so hard because I do respect my father and was taking care of him when he was sick. I even used to give him a bath and groom him because he couldn’t do it himself. Maybe he got sick as a pay back to what he did?
I don’t know how and I can’t think anymore.

My apologies for the long post. I really need help.
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

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#2
I want to know the details of how did he do that but I don’t think I can handle it very well. I am afraid that it will really mess with my sanity.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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#3
hi x im really so very sorry this is happening to you
I am sleepy but did not want to see your post go unanswered x sorry I am not much help just many hugs and love x Lu xxxx
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

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#4
hi x im really so very sorry this is happening to you
I am sleepy but did not want to see your post go unanswered x sorry I am not much help just many hugs and love x Lu xxxx
Hi Lu,

I really appreciate it and it means so much to me. You really didn’t have to disturb your rest. You are so kind hearted and supportive.

I just had to vent because it’s bothering me so much tonight.

I hope you get good sleep and rest.

:grouphug:
 
claude

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#5
Oh my goodness, Hopeful, I am so so sorry to hear what you are going through and the terrible trauma your family have suffered. It must be such a complex thing to process, how someone you love and respected could have done something so terrible to your sister, his own family. I hope you can get some therapy to talk this through? My heart goes out to you
 
daffy

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#6
Hi hopeful I don’t know what to advise. If you go to the authorities it could open up a real hornets nest for you and your family. but do you want justice for your sister or is it peace of mind for yourself. I do think that you need to talk it out. Would your family discuss it with you to let you know how it happened. I really wish I had an answer for you :hug:

Daf:hug:
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

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#7
Oh my goodness, Hopeful, I am so so sorry to hear what you are going through and the terrible trauma your family have suffered. It must be such a complex thing to process, how someone you love and respected could have done something so terrible to your sister, his own family. I hope you can get some therapy to talk this through? My heart goes out to you
Thank you so much for your kindness.
I scheduled an appointment with my therapist this coming Monday. I surely need to talk to her about it. I can’t get it out of my mind.
 
claude

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#8
Well done for scheduling the appointment. It is a good idea to talk it through I think. It must be such a terrible thing to have on your mind like this, it must all be such a shock . Try and take things as easy as you can, this is a huge thing to process, you will need time and kindness as you adjust. I will be thinking of you, I hope you can find some peace

Thank you so much for your kindness.
I scheduled an appointment with my therapist this coming Monday. I surely need to talk to her about it. I can’t get it out of my mind.
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

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#9
Hi hopeful I don’t know what to advise. If you go to the authorities it could open up a real hornets nest for you and your family. but do you want justice for your sister or is it peace of mind for yourself. I do think that you need to talk it out. Would your family discuss it with you to let you know how it happened. I really wish I had an answer for you :hug:

Daf:hug:
Hi Daf,

I really don’t know what exactly I want. I don’t think I will have a peace of mind after this.
The only people that know about it is my mom, my brother and sister who told me.

I am imagining all kind of scenarios about how it happened. It’s like clips of movies. The hardest part is when I think about how she felt at that moment and the horror and pain she endured.

Did she she scream ?, fight back? or was she obedient like he expected?

Then I think about my dad. Did it hurt his heart afterwards? He used to ask for forgiveness all the time at night when he was sick.
This is so hard to comprehend.
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

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#11
Well done for scheduling the appointment. It is a good idea to talk it through I think. It must be such a terrible thing to have on your mind like this, it must all be such a shock . Try and take things as easy as you can, this is a huge thing to process, you will need time and kindness as you adjust. I will be thinking of you, I hope you can find some peace
Thank you and I really appreciate your concern. I hope I can tell my therapist about it. I have no one at home that I can talk to. I can’t tell my wife or kids about. I don’t want to disturb them. They may develop fear of me.
 
claude

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#12
I'm sorry you worry about your wife and kids not understanding, I hope that would not be the case, it must be horrible to worry that they will fear you for something terrible that happened in your life and that you played no part in. Something that has hurt you and is nothing for you to be feared for. It must make you feel very alone. Will you get the chance to talk with your brother, sister or mother before your appointment on monday? I hope you can tell your therapist too, I imagine such a big thing will be hard to put into words but you have done nothing wrong and you deserve support in dealing with this.
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

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#13
I'm sorry you worry about your wife and kids not understanding, I hope that would not be the case, it must be horrible to worry that they will fear you for something terrible that happened in your life and that you played no part in. Something that has hurt you and is nothing for you to be feared for. It must make you feel very alone. Will you get the chance to talk with your brother, sister or mother before your appointment on monday? I hope you can tell your therapist too, I imagine such a big thing will be hard to put into words but you have done nothing wrong and you deserve support in dealing with this.
I’m actually thinking of cutting all ties with my family. I am just too tired and exhausted to be in touch with anyone. I believe the loneliest I am the less problems I have. Every time I speak with them, they bring my mood down with negativity and complaining.

I know my wife won’t be afraid but my kids are too young to understand. I keep bad things to myself so they can enjoy a peaceful life. I am trying to prevent them from experiencing the things that I had to deal with in my life.
 
claude

claude

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#15
I
I’m actually thinking of cutting all ties with my family. I am just too tired and exhausted to be in touch with anyone. I believe the loneliest I am the less problems I have. Every time I speak with them, they bring my mood down with negativity and complaining.

I know my wife won’t be afraid but my kids are too young to understand. I keep bad things to myself so they can enjoy a peaceful life. I am trying to prevent them from experiencing the things that I had to deal with in my life.
I see, that must make it even harder if relations with your mum and siblings are already so difficult. If cutting ties with your family is what you need right now that is fair enough. It sounds like you have been through a lot with them. I'm glad your wife would not be afraid, maybe you will be able to talk with her and keep it from your children while they are so young. Your desire to protect your family from the bad things is beautiful and noble but it can become a large burden. I imagine if your wife was holding a secret like this you would want her to tell you, perhaps she would feel the same. It is a lot to carry alone. Even if you do not tell your wife I hope you can find someone in your life who will support you with this
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

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#18
I


I see, that must make it even harder if relations with your mum and siblings are already so difficult. If cutting ties with your family is what you need right now that is fair enough. It sounds like you have been through a lot with them. I'm glad your wife would not be afraid, maybe you will be able to talk with her and keep it from your children while they are so young. Your desire to protect your family from the bad things is beautiful and noble but it can become a large burden. I imagine if your wife was holding a secret like this you would want her to tell you, perhaps she would feel the same. It is a lot to carry alone. Even if you do not tell your wife I hope you can find someone in your life who will support you with this
My culture is so complicated. The families honor and reputation is sacred and I have to abide by that practice. This means I can’t even tell my wife about it. This forum is my only way to vent and express my thoughts and frustration.

The good thing is I can trust my therapist and I’ve known her for 15 years. She’s like family to me. I’ll get to talk to her and tell her how difficult my situation is right now.

My children’s physical and mental well being is very important. I don’t want them to experience trauma like I did when I was younger.

Thank you and I really appreciate your time and effort to help me.
 
BPDevil

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#20
don't feel guilty for what he did, you didn't know for the longest time, my dad did terrible things too and I loved him a lot at one point

I don't know your culture, but I'd say most family seems to have dark secrets, but it doesn't make us all evil because of one bad apple