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Trying to process my guilt and anger at friend with depression...

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AnellaCaj

New member
Joined
Mar 9, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Texas
I'm having trouble processing my guilt and anger. My bff has been upset at me and ignoring my messages most of the time. My friend has undiagnosed depression, but it's clear he has depression, as he's had thoughts of suicide. (I have tried to get him to get help, but he never does. Finally he will be seeing someone on tuesday). Yesterday I accidently planned a trip to see my sister who I havnt seen in 6 months, that will overlap with my bffs dance school performance - I forgot his performance was that week as it is months away (the trip was made that week due to very very cheap flights and time my husband could get vacation). I apologized profusely and promised to watch via facetime (keep in mind I live in another city -4 hrs away- only have one car and husband works nights...my ability to go to this specific show was prob not possible anyway...bff suggested I could've flown there - a $250 flight-...and he knows I dont have much money). But he is very angry at me now and has mostly been ignoring me. I know he has the right to be upset but I feel like he is being to hard on me, as I have never missed anything of his ever. He has missed my birthday before, constantly voiced his jealousy of my life (hes upset that he doesnt have what I have yet)....when I got engaged, when I got married, when I became pregnant (and unfortunatly I had a miscarriage recently which makes these feelings worse). Ive always been there for him, comforted him, helped him map out life plans, encouraged him to go to dance school, planned and setup birthday parties for him, include him in everything, volunteered to make costumes for his last show in Dec. and never missed any other dance performances. He has been a good friend, but does not always come through for me, but I have overlooked any hurt because he's overall a good friend and I love him...but this is causing me a lot of guilt and anger...I have vented to my sister who also has depression and she has told me to give him time and ease up on him because he has depression, but I'm having trouble easing my anger because I feel like he's placing a huge undeserved guilt trip on me. I cant even feel happy to go visit my other sister anymore. I dont think I have depression, but I have my own mental health problems, stress and anxiety and have been through a lot in the last few months. I dont mean to sound insensitive to those with depression, and if I do, I'm sorry, I just feel very hurt that all my years of support and good friendship are being tossed aside. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.
 
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AnellaCaj

New member
Joined
Mar 9, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Texas
He told me he had to have a drink last night to calm himself down (he's not a big drinker fyi) ....I feel angry, but very guilty and also worried..I also feel guilty for being angry at him because im concerned he may act irrationally.
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
11,000
Location
England
Hi,
Welcome to the forum
I'm so sorry about your miscarriage, you are a good friend. We can't always be at everything.
Here to listen anytime.
Take care
 
Muddleduck

Muddleduck

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2019
Messages
306
Location
GB
Friends are important, but ultimately you are more important than anyone, to yourself, unless maybe if you have a child or pet. You cannot make everyone happy and if you have apologised, given an explanation, that should be enough. You didn't do it on purpose and have said sorry, and that is enough. As long as it doesn't happen every time, which you say it doesn't, i don't see a problem. I have been angry at family letting me down before but only because it kept happening. I did get over it and still love her and everything is fine, years after, more let-downs after, because nobody is perfect, not you or him or anyone. Let yourself off this one because you are not perfect and nobody should expect you to be.

I have close friends but i would never put guilt on them. I would never say i was getting drunk because they let me down. I would keep that hidden from them so as not to play on their feelings. he already knows you feel bad and so should not place more guilt on you because he knows that it will push you down further into that bad place. Try to detatch from it now emotionally, and if he confides in more emotional pain, briefly say you are sorry he feels so bad maybe, but don't let yourself be drawn in too much. It is important we all keep a bit of distance emotionally from people and know deep down that they will cope because we are all adults and we can all cope. Sometimes people need to figure out that they can cope and they are capable of helping themselves out of that bad place without help. Sometimes we need to have a drink, maybe tell someone we feel bad, but not expect them to help us out, just hear us. You don't have to feel guilty and don't have to go running or over-help. Your wellbeing is of most importance, like i said, unless it is your child because they cannot always help themselves out of bad places.

Depression is hard, but we can manage and need to be heard, but we need to also be the one who helps ourselves up ultimately. You cannot save everyone and be there for everyone because nobody can. you cannot take on everyone elses life and problems and it would not be good if you did anyway.

I hope you have taken this all as kindness to you both. I see both of your viewpoints but feel that you are being extremely hard on yourself.
 
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