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Trying To Make Sense Of Suicidal Thoughts

E

emno4

New member
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Scotland
Hi

I'm wondering if someone can help me.... I am trying to make sense of my suicidal thoughts.... and what to do with them.... I will be honest I have struggled with these for a few years now... gradually getting worse and not better as the years have gone on, to the point now they don't stress me out as much as they used to as its almost become a way of life. I was given medication to take from my GP a few years ago which I guess has helped take that edge off the anxiety around it, but ever since then I have never been able to fully shake what's felt like a huge dark cloud over me. I sometimes wonder if this could be the medication, or if once you go to that place you never fully come out of it? Its all felt really heightened since going into lockdown, and that's probably mostly due to loneliness. But I have all of these questions around my suicidal thoughts.... like if I haven't done it already am I really serious about it, and why have I started a new job if I really have no intention of being here? I'm just wondering if anyone knows where I should go with these questions? And if there's never going to be anyway to get out of this place in my head, then maybe I should just go. I've tried my GP but don't feel like I get anywhere, and with Covid 19 I'm not even sure its possible to go back, but I also know that I shouldn't probably go to the GP for anything unless its an emergency. I not even sure I would be brave enough to take my own life, but I know sometimes I wish more that ever that I was brave enough. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. I know we can also get free counselling through work but I'm 1. Too scared to phone about it, and 2. Pretty sure I am too far gone into negative thinking for that ever to be changed. Writing this doesn't even help me feel more positive that I am reaching out for help, it just makes me feel worse that my life has gotten to this point. If someone cant help me find a positive way out... maybe they can help me find the courage I need to take my own life and finally be happy.
 
L

louiswawa

Member
Joined
Apr 1, 2020
Messages
5
Location
London
I used to have these negative Suicidal thoughts too. I have been out of medication and it has helped, but I was still having negative thoughts and it was really hard. So I know the way your feeling. The thing that helped me the most is every time I got a negative thought, I challenged it with a positive one. So say I was crossing the road, I would think I was gonna get run over by a truck. I would then realise that this a negative thought and challenge it with a positive one like “I’m just crossing the road and nothing bad at all is gonna happen” and smile while your doing it. If you keep doing this then positive thoughts will come naturally. I also think talking to someone will make a huge difference, but you do just have to take the leap. It’s your own thought process which is telling you that it’s scary to talk about the thoughts in your head. But that’s all they are, thoughts. You never have to act on a thought. Just tell yourself, that is the worst that can happen from talking to someone.
 
K

karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
918
Hi

I'm wondering if someone can help me.... I am trying to make sense of my suicidal thoughts.... and what to do with them.... I will be honest I have struggled with these for a few years now... gradually getting worse and not better as the years have gone on, to the point now they don't stress me out as much as they used to as its almost become a way of life. I was given medication to take from my GP a few years ago which I guess has helped take that edge off the anxiety around it, but ever since then I have never been able to fully shake what's felt like a huge dark cloud over me. I sometimes wonder if this could be the medication, or if once you go to that place you never fully come out of it? Its all felt really heightened since going into lockdown, and that's probably mostly due to loneliness. But I have all of these questions around my suicidal thoughts.... like if I haven't done it already am I really serious about it, and why have I started a new job if I really have no intention of being here? I'm just wondering if anyone knows where I should go with these questions? And if there's never going to be anyway to get out of this place in my head, then maybe I should just go. I've tried my GP but don't feel like I get anywhere, and with Covid 19 I'm not even sure its possible to go back, but I also know that I shouldn't probably go to the GP for anything unless its an emergency. I not even sure I would be brave enough to take my own life, but I know sometimes I wish more that ever that I was brave enough. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. I know we can also get free counselling through work but I'm 1. Too scared to phone about it, and 2. Pretty sure I am too far gone into negative thinking for that ever to be changed. Writing this doesn't even help me feel more positive that I am reaching out for help, it just makes me feel worse that my life has gotten to this point. If someone cant help me find a positive way out... maybe they can help me find the courage I need to take my own life and finally be happy.
im sorry youre having such a tough time but be sure things do improve.....i had severe depression and i had no hope.....but things do improve, it just takes time. Depression does pass.

Are you seeing a pdoc or therapist....that might help and also anti depressants.....but anyway what i have to assure you is things will and do get better.....i remember the days when id wake up wishing the world would just end.....i was hopeless and thought id never get over the depression but i did and you will too.

Also you say you can get counselling free through work, go for it then, great.....you also say you think youre too far gone into negative thinking for that ever to change. Wrong, nobody is ever too far gone, the fact that youre reaching out here shows you have it within you to get better.

Keep up posting here for help and support. PM me if you have anything to ask or for help/support.
 
E

emno4

New member
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
4
Location
Scotland
Thank you both :) Means a lot to me that people have taken the time to reply. I'm not seeing anyone... I had reached out to my GP just over 2 years ago now when I was in a pretty toxic relationship and started to feel suicidal. They put me on medication and I have to say my anxiety has massively improved. So much so I would be worried about coming off it and the anxiety coming back, so I'm unsure what to do. I'm not sure if even does have anything to do with the medication or if I have just gone into a place I cant get out of. It's definitely good to hear that other people have struggled and have come through the other side. And you're right Karl7.... I wouldn't have reached out here if there wasn't some part of me wants to fix it. But I'm not sure if the only reason for that is I don't want to hurt my family. I think I just want to hear that it will be ok to die and my family would be ok. But deep down I know that's not true. Then I think well eventually everyone would be glad that I'm gone I know it, so my family won't hurt as bad as I feel wakening up every day. And I'm just not sure that I can keep going on with life just to make other people happy. Maybe if they knew how I felt they would understand. My head is just all over the place. Normally in some way shape of form I can pull myself through this, but the lockdown is making everything worse. And what right do I even have to complain when there are people dying from helping other people during this. If I didn't have to work and had the skills to help the drs and nurses I would because I don't value my life enough to care about dying from helping people. The world doesn't seem fair.
 
Pretty Dragons

Pretty Dragons

Member
Joined
Apr 7, 2020
Messages
18
Location
Washington state
I understand your thoughts. I have also struggled with them. What gets me through is my daughter's. Years ago I was in the bathroom with a handful of pills in my hand. I heard my daughter's laughing and then and there promised myself, and them in my head, I would never do that to them. It's been hard I admit. Times ive thought they would be better off without me. But ive kept that promise. Most times I'm ok now. Not to say I don't still struggle with depression but I can keep fairly steady and not go to the dark place very often.
The best thing is looking forward to what's comes next, even in this messed up world.
Find something or someone to be your light in th darkness. Something to center yourself.
Much love prayers and Brightest Blessings.
 
M

Mee

Member
Joined
Apr 2, 2020
Messages
13
Location
Uk
Hi

I'm wondering if someone can help me.... I am trying to make sense of my suicidal thoughts.... and what to do with them.... I will be honest I have struggled with these for a few years now... gradually getting worse and not better as the years have gone on, to the point now they don't stress me out as much as they used to as its almost become a way of life. I was given medication to take from my GP a few years ago which I guess has helped take that edge off the anxiety around it, but ever since then I have never been able to fully shake what's felt like a huge dark cloud over me. I sometimes wonder if this could be the medication, or if once you go to that place you never fully come out of it? Its all felt really heightened since going into lockdown, and that's probably mostly due to loneliness. But I have all of these questions around my suicidal thoughts.... like if I haven't done it already am I really serious about it, and why have I started a new job if I really have no intention of being here? I'm just wondering if anyone knows where I should go with these questions? And if there's never going to be anyway to get out of this place in my head, then maybe I should just go. I've tried my GP but don't feel like I get anywhere, and with Covid 19 I'm not even sure its possible to go back, but I also know that I shouldn't probably go to the GP for anything unless its an emergency. I not even sure I would be brave enough to take my own life, but I know sometimes I wish more that ever that I was brave enough. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. I know we can also get free counselling through work but I'm 1. Too scared to phone about it, and 2. Pretty sure I am too far gone into negative thinking for that ever to be changed. Writing this doesn't even help me feel more positive that I am reaching out for help, it just makes me feel worse that my life has gotten to this point. If someone cant help me find a positive way out... maybe they can help me find the courage I need to take my own life and finally be happy.
Sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I too used to have the same thoughts and feelings.

One day i decided i either do or dont as it would just eat me away. After trying to talk myself in to it, i realised i didnt have the balls too. Ever since, everytime i think about it or question myself i remind myself i dont have the balls.

So please, if you feel like this, tell yourself you dont have the balls to and thats why youve never done it. Beat the thought. Not yourself
 
N

Nukelavee

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2019
Messages
3,389
Location
London, ON
That kind of thinking becomes kind of a habit, and if you also have some depression, it's easy to fall into a bleak mindset. The worse my depression is, teh closer those kind of thoughts.

im sorry youre having such a tough time but be sure things do improve.....i had severe depression and i had no hope.....but things do improve, it just takes time. Depression does pass.
Exactly this.
Wrong, nobody is ever too far gone, the fact that youre reaching out here shows you have it within you to get better.

Keep up posting here for help and support. PM me if you have anything to ask or for help/support.
And this is so true, also.
 
K

Kmw

Guest
I know exactly what you are going through. And I don’t think doctors take us seriously enough with our mental health. But my brother took his own life and the guilt and devastation it leaves behind is really hard. I find most people don’t talk about him because of the stigma around suicide. Sometimes I think I should join him, and sometimes I envy him for what he did. But it’s not the right answer, you don’t want to hurt your family this way and you don’t deserve to be forgotten about. I’m finding this forum my lifeline as there are so many loving people who give great advice. So stay in here and stay alive. Hugs to you and take care
 
Argon

Argon

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2019
Messages
600
Location
USA
If someone cant help me find a positive way out... maybe they can help me find the courage I need to take my own life and finally be happy.
I hope no one does THAT. I used to think about it all the time, but I grew out of it eventually.
 
K

Kmw

Guest
It may be a really good idea to contact a crisis Centre or visit the ED at your local hospital. They will still help you in the lockdown. They will be able to help with medications and counseling. Suicide is definitely the answer.
 
J

JCPraha

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
857
I think most people with severe depression have had suicidal ideation at one time or another. I fight against it myself. I don't know the solution to severe depression. I fight against it myself for a long time. I try different types of medication and treatment, even ECT, but the depression still lingers. It is very difficult to go through life with it, but I do the best I can. Still fighting it.
 
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