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Trying to figure out my problems...

Allegro25

Allegro25

New member
Joined
Mar 30, 2019
Messages
4
Location
US
Hi, I just joined this forum today. First, because English is not my mother language, my expression might be wired or unclear, hope you guys don't mind.

And my thing is I always feel useless even though I performed well on many things. I will say my self-esteem is pretty low. Sometimes, when people compliment my work, I thought they are just trying to be polite and nice. And my mom usually pushes me to find the goal of my career and life, that made me more iterated. I know as an adult, I have to do those things. I do attend a lot of activities and events which might be beneficial for my own life path. But I just hate to be pushed and watched. Because I feel I am a loser, I don't want to make the promise for the good possibilities too early. As for the upcoming challenge, I always prepare for the failure at the very beginning.

The next problem is my relationship. From about two years ago, I found I got a strange pattern. When friends treat me well to some extent, I just want to escape from them and their expectations. The things I do is to try to ignore their messages, calls, and make all kinds of excuses/lies to make my suspicious escape actions more reasonable. That doesn't mean I don't cherish those relationships. On the contrary, I always try my best to find the 'true' friends and hope someone will finally understand all my feelings, etc. But when the time comes, I don't act like normal people. All I want to do is running away. Once I talked with a therapist about the same thing, and I explained this strange pattern by using my own logic. That is, all my friends who treats me well now will finally leave me when they found I am not such good as they thought, or, when they think I am not useful to them anymore. I know it's too negative and ridiculous, I try to be more positive about things, but it's too hard for me to do so.

All of those trivial things flow to me and overwhelm me at some point. Just like today, I tried to talk with my mom and explained that I don't want to do the things she hopes me to do. Besides, I also try to talk more about my personality issues and my dark thoughts. But she insists that I am totally fine. And in her opinion, I shouldn't think too much to bother myself.

In the past three months, I struggled more than previous. After every struggle, I just feel that it's better to disappear. It might be a good thing to myself, and to the others around me. But I don't really want to harm or kill myself. So it's not a big deal, I guess.

But I still want to post my story here to talk with someone who can understand all of those issues and feelings.

Hope everyone here has a good mood! :)
 
M

missme

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 28, 2019
Messages
287
Location
NZ
Hi welcome. It is so hard to hear that mum is brushing your emotions away. We have suffered and we know that your feelings are valid and very real.
Maybe it just is a denial for her, she loves you very much that she just can't deal with you being in pain.
I think you will have great help here. I'm a always here but we may be in a different time zone. English is also not my first language. It intrigues me, what is your first language?
 
Allegro25

Allegro25

New member
Joined
Mar 30, 2019
Messages
4
Location
US
Hi welcome. It is so hard to hear that mum is brushing your emotions away. We have suffered and we know that your feelings are valid and very real.
Maybe it just is a denial for her, she loves you very much that she just can't deal with you being in pain.
I think you will have great help here. I'm a always here but we may be in a different time zone. English is also not my first language. It intrigues me, what is your first language?
Thanks a lot. You're totally right. Actually, my mom always tells me that she loves me so much. And I understand she doesn't mean to hurt my feelings deliberately. I recognized she might don't know how to express her feeling correctly. From my side, sometimes, I try to not talk about my issues with her to avoid to trigger similar bad situation I mentioned. But the other days, I just can't hold those words back. (Because it's hard for me to trust people and build solid relationships, my mom is like my best friend.) And thanks for asking. My mother language is Mandarin.
 
M

missme

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 28, 2019
Messages
287
Location
NZ
Mandarin that is awesome. I speak Croatian
 
M

missme

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 28, 2019
Messages
287
Location
NZ
I think that if you share here, you will find it a very safe environment. I'm always happy to listen and support where i can. That's the beauty of having had the mental illness my self. We are very compassionate and empathetic
 
Allegro25

Allegro25

New member
Joined
Mar 30, 2019
Messages
4
Location
US
I think that if you share here, you will find it a very safe environment. I'm always happy to listen and support where i can. That's the beauty of having had the mental illness my self. We are very compassionate and empathetic
Thanks!! To be honest, I never expect there will be responses to my thread so soon. But your words made me feel better! You're so nice! And I think Croatian is pretty cool.
 
M

missme

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 28, 2019
Messages
287
Location
NZ
Thanks!! To be honest, I never expect there will be responses to my thread so soon. But your words made me feel better! You're so nice! And I think Croatian is pretty cool.
Why thank you so much! I'm so glad my words made you feel better!That's my aim!
 
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