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Trying to deal with a roommate that has PTSD and other issues.

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Tylrwb

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Apr 9, 2021
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Hoping this is not going to be long..

I met a woman on a dating site, she claimed she was on it because she wanted to see what the site was about because of her cheating husband.. I later learned that she was in an abusive relationship. She told me she needed to get out and away from him. Me being the kind person I am offered my help. I told her that she could come live at my house, it has enough room.

She told me she was damaged and needed someone to lean on. A friend. One thing led to another and we were together - together. Only she did not look at it that way.. She needed a friend. I have since heard story's of her childhood that were traumatizing to her. To me saw that as big brothers and sisters being what they are, at some point in your life you look back and say it was child's play. She says her sister would dress her up in skimpy clothes to go out and she would get hit on. My reply was, Where was your parents to stop you from leaving that way, and her reply was that her mother, whom she loves deeply, trusted her. But she blames her sister for getting her raped. At some point I have to wonder where was her self awareness to say no - to the skimpy clothing. To this day she hates her family. Her mother passed away and is part of the issue she has. She has been raped twice and has a child from one of them. She would not turn them in because she said it would make it worse. She is 50 and still dealing with issues when she was a child..

She got married about 4 years ago and then divorced shortly after she moved in here. While the first several months I had no idea what she had been through, it is like she snapped. She is a roommate, not a girlfriend, but she acts like we are married. She claims no it is just being a decent human being living in the same house. I disagree, I was married for 18 years before my wife passed, I know what a wife is and how they act.

She says she hates me, that I make her feel worse than her husband ever did even though he lay hands on her, she claims the things I say are worse than being hit. The problem is I do not know what I am saying that is so damaging, but the truth.. So her and her daughter, that also gets blamed for her divorce and losing the step child, along with 6 animals that i allowed to move into my house. Is making my life unbearable. She has nowhere to go. And I am not a kind person in her eyes..

She insists on trying to make me understand what she has been through. Even though she hates me she still try's to get me to comfort her. She tells me she needs it and I am the only one around. If I were a bum it would be okay..

This is only a touch of what has happened but i think it paints a pretty good picture. Now let me tell you how i see it.

She is vindictive and manipulative to try to get anything she wants. Even though she claims that is not the case and she is very empathetic. She wants sympathy, even though she says she doesn't. I do not have any doubt in my mind that she is in pain, she is in pain management. I want her to get better but I think deep down she doesn't. She has had may therapists that she claims make it worse, They should know what they are doing right? I feel trapped in my own home and have even contemplated moving out just to get away.. I have since moved myself into my basement and gave my room up to her. But I work from home and she is always there. She had 2 DUIs and cannot drive. So i have to do all the driving. For all that i do you would think that she would be appreciative but she claims the opposite and that i dont do enough..

I guess the real question is - Am i crazy to think what i think or am i just seeing things wrong? She also tells me to quit playing the victim. Am i crazy or is she?
 
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Tjc93

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Firstly, what a kind human being you are for helping someone in complete need. Don't beat yourself up for that, the world should be filled with more people like you.
Secondly, don't also beat yourself up for getting angry and upset at things she says to you because, you are human and you have feelings. This is normal.
It sounds like she has had a very traumatic life, and nothing you can do single handedly will fix that, she is most probably never going to overcome what has happened in her life and it will be something that she will remain angry at probably indefinitely.
However, this being your home, your safe place, you need to be able to relax and unwind - you may need to have that difficult discussion with her about perhaps her finding alliterative accommodation? Sometimes you do have to be cruel to be kind. It may make her rethink how she is treating you in your own home!
I am also extremely sorry to hear about your wife - that also must be so tough.
When people have mental health, they often say things they don't mean, because they want to hurt people so that they can feel just the tiny bit of pain that they may be feeling. They may think... why should everyone else be happy when I'm not? So I know it must be really difficult but please try not to take offence in what she is saying and try to overcome it.
I really really hope you manage to work through it and come up with something which will benefit you both in the long term. I have all my fingers and toes crossed for you 😊 I hope you sort things out soon so you can move on with your life 🙂
 
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Tylrwb

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Apr 9, 2021
Messages
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NORTH OLMSTED
Firstly, what a kind human being you are for helping someone in complete need. Don't beat yourself up for that, the world should be filled with more people like you.
Secondly, don't also beat yourself up for getting angry and upset at things she says to you because, you are human and you have feelings. This is normal.
It sounds like she has had a very traumatic life, and nothing you can do single handedly will fix that, she is most probably never going to overcome what has happened in her life and it will be something that she will remain angry at probably indefinitely.
However, this being your home, your safe place, you need to be able to relax and unwind - you may need to have that difficult discussion with her about perhaps her finding alliterative accommodation? Sometimes you do have to be cruel to be kind. It may make her rethink how she is treating you in your own home!
I am also extremely sorry to hear about your wife - that also must be so tough.
When people have mental health, they often say things they don't mean, because they want to hurt people so that they can feel just the tiny bit of pain that they may be feeling. They may think... why should everyone else be happy when I'm not? So I know it must be really difficult but please try not to take offence in what she is saying and try to overcome it.
I really really hope you manage to work through it and come up with something which will benefit you both in the long term. I have all my fingers and toes crossed for you 😊 I hope you sort things out soon so you can move on with your life 🙂
Thank you. I have had that conversation with her about moving. However it does not end well. She gives me a guilt trip all the time. If she leaves she will have to rehome the pets she has and she needs. I am too nice.. I have been told that all my life. She really does try to make me think that i think I am the victim. In a way I guess i am. My home is not my home anymore. I sleep in the basement, which is finished. but still. There is another room on the second floor that she was supposed to move to but again made me feel guilty that she wouldn't be comfortable and be even more depressed. I really had intentions on coming on here to see if someone could shed some light on the situation and how to help it. I am finding out that I am right and am doing what a normal person would in my situation. Regardless what she says.. I have talked to friends about it and they agree. She tells me they agree with me because i am not giving them the full story and what she has been through..
 
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SunnyDaze

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. But she blames her sister for getting her raped. At some point I have to wonder where was her self awareness to say no - to the skimpy clothing
Hi there. I quoted that part because honestly,if you are blaming a child for that I can understand why she feels the way she does. And if you have ever said that to her I'm sure it would feel worse than being physically hit.

im sorry but if that's what your mindset is I do hope she moves out for her own sake. She should not be around you at all.
 
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SunnyDaze

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Hi there. I quoted that part because honestly,if you are blaming a child for that I can understand why she feels the way she does. And if you have ever said that to her I'm sure it would feel worse than being physically hit.

im sorry but if that's what your mindset is I do hope she moves out for her own sake. She should not be around you at all.
Am I correct that you were indeed talking about her sister dressing her up when she was a child? That's how I perceived what you said.

If it wasn't in childhood then I apologize. If I am correct then I'm not sorry at all.
 
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Tylrwb

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Actually she was a teenager. Old enough to go to dance clubs.. and I may have got that wrong she was complaining about being hit on by guys the way she dressed. She was raped when she was 27. It was by her sister telling her to g with some guy they met and loosen up.. and then again after her mom passed away, she would have been in her 40s.
 
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SunnyDaze

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Thanks for clarifying. I do hope you realize a teenager is still considered a child.

Also,regardless of how someone dresses, no matter the situation or circumstances, nobody deserves to be raped. It is never the victims fault. Not ever.

If you don't want her in your home have her leave. It's as simple as that. It's not really right to make excuses for why she is there and allow it to continue but then complain about it. If you are not happy with the situation then change it, I know,easier said than done though.

Good luck to you
 
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Tylrwb

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Messages
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NORTH OLMSTED
Thanks for clarifying. I do hope you realize a teenager is still considered a child.

Also,regardless of how someone dresses, no matter the situation or circumstances, nobody deserves to be raped. It is never the victims fault. Not ever.

If you don't want her in your home have her leave. It's as simple as that. It's not really right to make excuses for why she is there and allow it to continue but then complain about it. If you are not happy with the situation then change it, I know,easier said than done though.

Good luck to you
Yes and further clarifying, she was not a teenager when she was raped she was 27. However moving her out is not as simple as that, as you say. She has no where to go. Not really complaining either, trying to understand the situation. I did not know this person before she moved in. She refused to meet prior. Which I thought was very odd. Why would you move in with someone you dont know. It is really bigger than just the PTSD also. Agoraphobia, PTSD, Stress, Anxiety, Pain and trauma from abuse, stomach ulcer, She has a brain tumor, Issues with her nose and breathing. In pain management, Drinks all day, Pain meds, stomach meds, muscle relaxers, takes caffeine pills and drinks red bull. This whole combination cannot be good for her but she refuses to think I know anything that might help. I am no doctor but sometimes there is just common sense.. She also seeks comfort and does not care who it is, even if it was a bum, her words exactly..
 
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SunnyDaze

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Yikes. That's a bad situation to be in.

I hope you can figure something out. You might just have to put yourself and what you want/need ahead of her and her issues. I'm sure that would be hard but might be necessary

Hugs
 
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