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Trying to beat Anorexia...Again

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ScarletSpeedster

Member
Joined
Nov 25, 2015
Messages
8
Hi all!

I am new to this site, and would really appreciate some advice and support.

Since the age of 13, I have struggled with an eating disorder and my weight. With intense, strict exercise (walking five miles a day, and running for an hour and a half) and caloric restriction, I lost a lot of weight within 5 weeks. Which was extremely unhealthy. Suffice to say, my body began to shut down, I was literally skin and bones, and my family were plagued with constant worry and fear that one day I wouldn't wake up.

About a year after the weight loss, I decided to gain weight just for my family - not myself. I gained some weight and for a month maintained that weight before secretly allowing myself to lose it all again, albeit at a slower, more undetectable loss.

Long story short, I am now twenty years old, and weigh a little heavier than about two months ago. I had the best intentions two months ago to actually get better and be happier, and let my Anorexia go. It worked, obviously for a month again, but now I am struggling badly.

I am terrified to eat breakfast, eat when hungry, eat what I crave, eat more than a certain amount of calories, eat more fat/sugar/carbs, and the intense desire to exercise and 'burn' away my fat is building and obsessing my mind. I have already lost a little weight in two days just today, and I feel pleased about it. I am scared of dying from this, or not dying at all and losing my life to a controlling obsession.

I just want to wake up happy, excited to eat what I want, when I want without any crazy insane rituals like I have. I don't want to be scared of having jam on toast like I so crave, or eating chocolate for fear the fat in it will instantly show. I don't want to have timed eating plans whereby I have to follow exactly and become a witch if I don't eat then and there. It is ruining my life, and has taken the last eight years from me already. I am tired of worrying about calories instead of just enjoying food. I am tired of worrying about how much skinnier my body needs to be for me to be happy, although I am never happy when I reach the weight set.

I just want to be normal, eat normal, love my body no matter the size, and feel happy.

Please help me. :low:
 
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MarlieeB

Former member
Joined
Jan 15, 2013
Messages
25,043
Hi and welcome to the forum.

Have you ever sought any help from any service to help you with this?

Marliee x
 
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ScarletSpeedster

Member
Joined
Nov 25, 2015
Messages
8
Hi Marliee,

Thank you for replying!

I have never sought any professional help with this, no, but my parents are well informed and very strict with me. My parents took me to the Doctors when I was 15 and the doctor said he wasn't concerned about my weight, although my periods had stopped, and my white blood levels were very low due to my weakened immune system. I was so happy at the time, because that gave no power or back-up to my parents to make me change anything - afterall, if the doctor said I was 'fine', then nothing could be done to stop me losing more. Which is a terrible attitude and thought to worry my parents like that.

I am still consumed by what I eat and how I look/ how much I weigh. I do just want to be normal and enjoy life, but I can't when I am constantly plagued with this obsession of an eating disorder. I have loads of rituals regarding how, what, where, when I eat, and what with, and it is insane in honesty. But I can't stop, and it is getting stronger again. At my worst I weighed much too little six months ago, and I only gained weight then because my mum became very upset and worried, which led to lots of arguments and sadness from us both

I don't know what to do.
 
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Viktoria

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Jul 11, 2014
Messages
2,276
I am very confused that the doctor wasn't concerned with that.
Your specifics will be edited out the post though because they aren't allowed on the forum in case it triggers other members. Your BMI though was/is worryingly low in my opinion.
I think you would benefit from professional help but that's just my view. I think to be able to be at a healthy weight and accept that and not feel guilty after eating is very important but maybe something that you can't reach by yourself. Can you talk to your mum and see if you can seek help together?
As you're reaching out here on the forum I assume you really want to change your habits and I think that will be hard to do by yourself and of course on here we're not doctors.

Sorry if I'm blabbing I'm just trying to help. Do keep posting and I hope others will come along with some words of advice or comfort.

I am shocked though that the doctor you saw wasn't concerned. I hope if you do decide to seek professional help that you find a doctor who is more helpful.
 
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ScarletSpeedster

Member
Joined
Nov 25, 2015
Messages
8
Thank you for your reply!

I didn't know about the specifics and numbers, so I am sorry if I have upset anyone.

Looking back, I don't really understand the Doctors opinion now either, as I was very ill back then, very skinny, and my life totally revolved around my eating disorder and nothing or no one else.

My mum does say every now and then that she thinks I am too skinny to be healthy. The thing is, even at my BMI now (and when it was at my lowest), my periods are still regular, and all my blood work comes back fine - even an echocardiogram of my heart was very healthy. So I struggle with the idea of needing to gain weight from my weight now, as my body is not suffering.

But I am obsessed.

I hope to work up the courage to speak to my parents about it soon, as I feel it is only getting worse again. I just don't feel there is any justification to change my body, as no doctor can find anything wrong, and they never comment on my weight.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Like Victoria said, you may need help with this from professionals. I really do hope you consider this advice. I had an anorexic room mate years ago. Her name was Florence. She use to put small pureed amounts of food in tiny Tupperware and that was a whole meal for her. I would make her soups and she would eat any soup I made for her. I visited her in the hospital. She wore big sweaters and when I hugged her she was like a skeleton. I don't know whatever happened to Florence. We use to joke that if she smoked pot she'd get the munchies. But then she's only go to throw up.
 
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Toasted Crumpet

Toasted Crumpet

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Feb 11, 2013
Messages
8,421
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under the Forum Troll bridge
Hi

Agree with what Viktoria said. Unfortunately some doctors do not take EDs seriously if your BMI is normal but an ED is not about BMI but about your thinking and feelings around food, eating, body shape etc

IME it is very hard to overcome and ED without help so I'd suggest you go see a different doctor and ask for a referral to ED specialists. You might have to wait a while as waiting lists can be long.

In the meantime you might find an organisation like B-eat to be helpful, they have a helpline and support groups. And keep posting on here. x
 
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ScarletSpeedster

Member
Joined
Nov 25, 2015
Messages
8
Hello again,

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I am still mulling over what I am going to do about this - because it really can't stay the same as it is right now. I have what is considered a very 'dangerous' BMI, being that it is very low and life-threatening according to many healthcare sites. I don't know how to get past this though, as all my health checks with my body come back fine all the time, and that everything is functioning normally. I almost want to believe that this just means that I can be at an extremely low weight, and my body is happy for it to be there.

But many would disagree, and I don't want to live a life restricted by my fear of food and calories and how I look to myself. I don't think it has ever been a comparison thing for me, like comparing myself to other girls. It has always been about me wanting to do better, and pushing myself to reach what goals I set regardless of whether I had the strength to, or even wanted it.

But thank you guys :) I feel truly welcomed.
 
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