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trying out writing about it, sorry about the length to anyone who reads it

tenpigs

tenpigs

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trying out writing about it, sorry about the length to anyone who reads it

I am not sure if this is the right forum or not but here goes. I think I read that even writing about things will help, so that is what I am trying out I think. I will try to make it as short as possible, but it may go on a bit. For that I apologise in advance.
I am finding myself in a very awkward situation at work which is causing my anxiety levels to soar to the point of feeling physically sick at times.
To give you some background, I am a 55 year old woman who had been in nursing since the age of 18 until 2003. The reason for leaving was depression over a period of 3-4 years from which I tried to recover but ended up leaving. I was in a position of high responsibility which did not help, and neither did the fact that management were unsupportive. Anyway, I then had to sell my flat and downsize to a council studio apartment and put on a lot of weight. I had been divorced a few years prior to this happening.
I tried to get normal jobs but didn’t manage it and tried doing some standalone modules at the local university while trying to come off the antidepressants. During this time my mum had a series of strokes and my brother was diagnosed with bowel cancer from which he died in 2005. Since my brother had never married and lived with mum in a house with stairs that were responsible for her numerous very bad falls, I decided that we should get her a 2 bed flat with no stairs that I would share with her to keep an eye.
Before this happened, I had an emergency rush job to the local hospital involving surgery, intensive care and a colostomy due to undiagnosed diverticular disease which had abscessed and ruptured. I had the colostomy for 6 months and thankfully was able to have it reversed. After the op, I really started to feel better, lost weight and started going out. I began to think that life was not over after all (like I had been thinking after selling my flat).
I had previously completed a HE Diploma in health studies part time while working full time in the NHS and I had always wanted to do a biology degree, so I started applying around.
I was so happy when I was accepted for one and started a few months later, nervous and excited. In the run up to that I met (by chance) online (I know, I know) what I thought was a wonderful guy who had his share of problems. He was a GP from Italy. We chatted and emails and skyped for a few months and then we decided to meet for a weekend and see how it would go. That was the start and I met his friends and eventually his family, but learned that things were complicated, and that is for another time.
I felt wonderful, I was doing something at university that I loved and met a wonderful guy. What could go wrong………………….!!!!
In a matter of a few months I began to suspect my mums post stroke mental capacity, and was having to cope with her double incontinence before long. She was officially diagnosed with dementia and they offered me some help, which I got, but mum was beginning to progress at a fast rate. As a result, I was back on the meds and almost left university in my 3rd year through an inability to cope. Thankfully I had very good friends and very good academic staff who were a great support to me as well as a counsellor that I still visit to this day.
I was engaged by this time planning a life in Italy when I got my degree but it seems that as time went on he became less clear about what he wanted from the relationship, but we carried on.
I graduated in 2011 with an upper 2:1 and decided that I wanted to do a PhD. This took 2 years to achieve and so many other things happening in my life were not helping. I had no work other than casual work through the university and was having difficulty finding a Post Grad course that was funded. Meanwhile my mum was deteriorating, I was getting more and more stressed and less able to cope even with the maximum care package for her (such as it was). The lengths I had to go to get my mum a place in a care home was just too hard and it is still painful to think what I did in 2012. However, she got a place and I had to clean up the flat, still had no work even though expected to work full time in labs and attend classes. So I made the decision to leave as I was so far down my overdraft by then, it was the only choice available. My fiance left me as well saying that because of the complications with his home life ( his parents mainly) but at the same time kept in contact with me and not allowing me to move on until I eventually realised I had to break off totally. More stress and anxiety.
So I spent the next year registered on a course part time and working with what I could get at the university until I finally got my place in a PhD a year ago. I thought this was it all starting to get better again, I met new people started to have a social life. But this is also where it gets sour again, and mum passed away in February this year.
2 of the people who started with me in my research group, much younger than me and extremely confident, direct and pushy. I had a friend from my degree who has just finished her PhD and these 2 talked about her, ridiculed her, and was generally nasty about her and to her. I tried to get on with them as I had to work with them but they also started being horrible to me for defending her. I have been a bit irritable with them on a couple of occasions due to their constant wanting to take over my life and run it for me. The latest problem with them now is that a couple of weeks ago it was suggested that someone who lives near campus host a sort of party, ie BYOB and nibbles, and those who want to head to town later can do so. I kind of agreed to let them into my place but also let them know that I am waiting on some work to be done and it is half decorated. Then one of them started emailing round everyone ‘organising’ the food and the drink without even having a chat about what I have in my kitchen as to heating food or fridge space etc. I just got irritated and asked if she didn’t think it polite to talk with me first before organising this? To that the other one replied saying that she didn’t understand my reaction to this and I can organise whatever I want to. Well, at that point I just thought that was very kind of her to allow me to organise something in my own flat. So I knee jerked and said that perhaps they should find another venue for the party. Then I started to worry all this weekend. And now I come in this week to find myself with no answer to hello and only being spoken to when necessary. No asking me what time to organise a lunch time as we used to try to co-ordinate, and blanking me in the lab. I think that this sort of thing should be kept to out of hours, not at work.
I can’t help the anxiety, having palpitations and feeling a bit sick at times. I am doubting myself again thinking that I am a horrible person. I worry that I have 2 years to spend with these people and whether I can survive that, or not. No one else behaves like that with me.
I love my PhD and gave my first talk to a group of researchers, some undergraduates and a visiting professor from abroad last week. Was very nervous but managed to pull it off and had great feedback from everyone............... apart from those 2 who did not make a single comment about it.:cry:
 

MarlieeB

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:welcome: to the forum

I haven't read your whole post, I can't concentrate that well on long posts at the moment.

Marliee x
 
tenpigs

tenpigs

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Messages
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Scotland
:welcome: to the forum

I haven't read your whole post, I can't concentrate that well on long posts at the moment.

Marliee x
No worries. I know it is long! I think the writing it does help. Maybe I could writ a book instead :p x
 
Davey Blueeyes

Davey Blueeyes

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No worries. I know it is long! I think the writing it does help. Maybe I could writ a book instead :p x
Don't you have to for a PhD?! Hehe, welcome and sometimes getting it all down helps a lot!

We are all friends here, of which you are one now! And the place if better for it!
Davey x
 
tenpigs

tenpigs

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Scotland
Don't you have to for a PhD?! Hehe, welcome and sometimes getting it all down helps a lot!

We are all friends here, of which you are one now! And the place if better for it!
Davey x
Lol thanks! Starting to feel better already! My PhD 'book' will be scientific facts hopefully, rather than emotional writing. But perhaps it's a useful exercise all the same 😊
 
M

Mastiff mom

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Dear Ten Pigs, welcome to the forum! Frankly I am amazed at all you have handled and accomplished. Give yourself some big pats on the back--you are one strong, tenacious and resourceful lady. You've come so far. Working with bullies is always dreadful but they are so small and insecure and feed on the pain they cause others. Go into your work place with your head held high and kill them with professional kindness-- and if one dares to speak unkindly to you, look them dead in the eye and say something like, " that's inappropriate" and walk away. I guess I'm telling you their behavior has nothing to do with you. These types always have target. Take back your power. I know it's hard but compared to what you've already overcome? Glad you've joined us! Hope I have not Ben pushy-- just bullies irk me!
 
tenpigs

tenpigs

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Scotland
I am overwhelmed that people want to read about my woes without immediately jumping to the conclusion that I am a whiner or a moaner or even some of the disgusting a words one of the two used to refer to my friend! I assume that I am the treplacement
 
tenpigs

tenpigs

Member
Joined
Nov 18, 2014
Messages
8
Location
Scotland
I am overwhelmed that people want to read about my woes without immediately jumping to the conclusion that I am a whiner or a moaner or even some of the disgusting a words one of the two used to refer to my friend! I assume that I am the replacement for whatever they need.
Mastiff ... Thank you for your words. I had hoped someone might recognise this as a form of bullying, but I wasn't sure if it was my fault. It's 11pm here now and I had a couple of glasses of wine while making up reasons not to go on tomorrow. I love what I do so I will try to sleep and do what I have to do tomorrow!
I am glad I found this forum. I hadn't expected any reply as quick, or at all!
Thank you
 
Davey Blueeyes

Davey Blueeyes

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I am overwhelmed that people want to read about my woes without immediately jumping to the conclusion that I am a whiner or a moaner or even some of the disgusting a words one of the two used to refer to my friend! I assume that I am the replacement for whatever they need.
Mastiff ... Thank you for your words. I had hoped someone might recognise this as a form of bullying, but I wasn't sure if it was my fault. It's 11pm here now and I had a couple of glasses of wine while making up reasons not to go on tomorrow. I love what I do so I will try to sleep and do what I have to do tomorrow!
I am glad I found this forum. I hadn't expected any reply as quick, or at all!
Thank you
That's just the way we roll, baby! :cool:

We are all friends here. You are now one of us. We rock!
 
tenpigs

tenpigs

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Wee update! Have been downright ignored by the two all week. Averted eyes, the almost sniggering and a real effort to reply to a good morning. I have been feeling sick sometimes when I go in the office or if I go to the lab and I know they are going to be there. One of them was there when I went in the other morning and she did not acknowledge me at all. The other one seems to find it difficult to be in my presence...... BUT!
She needed help this morning and she had to come and ask me. I really felt like being nasty and telling her where to go. But I smiled and told her that I would help her. So you would think that would help alleviate it? No it did not. One of the other girls in the office who knows what is going on asked if I was going to get lunch anytime soon and so we went to get something from the cafe. She asked if I wanted to stay there or go to the common room (which I have not been in since this started last week). Of course the two were there. It took one about 20 minutes to even look at me. The other one that I helped sat slightly turned away from where I was sitting across the table with her head mostly turned away and then abruptly stood up and said 'Im going' and left.
I am determined to stay mature and professional, and I hope all my digestive trouble settles down as my IBS has flared up again.

It's almost Friday! :D
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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Good grief! What an awful time you have been through (only just read your posts) and now you have those two to deal with! I know that it must impact negatively on you, particularly with anxiety/depression and IBS, but the problem is theirs and not yours. It amazes me that their behaviour has carried on beyond the playground and they are obviously still seriously lacking in maturity and kindness.

Good for you for remaining professional and mature. I hope that your determination continues. Good luck with everything.
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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Ah, we're a friendly bunch and everyone needs a hug every now and then :)

:hug1:
 
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