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A

a417h

Member
Joined
Nov 28, 2018
Messages
7
#1
I guess this is most appropriate forum.

I have been suicidal since 16, perhaps earlier, but that is the age I most remember being suicidal. I'm 26 now. I attempted when I was 22, and again about 1 year and 4 months ago, when I was 24. My first attempt was fairly halfassed as I only a higher dose of pills than I should have, naively unaware of how resilient the human body is. My second attempt, however involved taking a lot of pills.

Nobody in my family knows I am still suicidal, aside from my older brother whom I have told the only reason I haven't attempted again is because I don't want to negatively affect their lives. Even he doesn't know that I struggle everyday with thoughts of killing myself. I don't have too many thoughts of suicide during the day, as I am quite busy with other tasks that tend to keep my mind occupied. However, my mind is not always occupied with school or work, and every single night that I go to bed, the very first thoughts to enter my mind are that of suicide. This leads to further thoughts and has led to hundreds of ways, if not thousands, of ways for me to kill myself.

Today, I spoke with a new friend about suicidal thoughts, and my own attempts and thoughts, though vaguely. I didn't get to tell her about my current situation, as she was headed to bed, and I didn't want to keep from going to bed. It really doesn't help that this girl I was talking to is not only the girlfriend of a coworker (and perhaps even friend) of mine, but also that she is only 17, even if she does turn 18 in 3 months On the one hand, I feel talking to a girl that is still a minor inappropriate, on the other hand, I do need someone to talk to.

At any rate, I find myself feeling rather suicidal again - to the point where I may soon say fuck it and try again. Only this time, I will make damn sure that there is nobody to intervene, and I will make damn sure that I do not wake the next day. I will not again seen the look on my mothers face when she sees me in the ICU. I will not again awake knowing that I failed to take my life. I will not again be sent to a mental institution where they force you to take part in group therapy and talk about your feelings with random people. I will not again be looked upon with pity. Yes, I want help. I really do want help. But I do not want pity. I do not want my family telling me how things will be better and all that bullshit. Because I am bipolar and schizophric, althought I think I would have been better diagnosed ad bipolar with a schziod personality disorder. I cannot love another person, and I do not believe any person can love me, not if they know who I am, and I do not believe that anyone can understand who I am, if they did, they would not love me.

But I do not need to be loved. All I need is a reason to live. A thousand people could love me, still it would not be enough, because I don not need to be loved. What I need is a reason to live.

Can anyone give me a reason to live? Why should I not kill myself? Some say you need to find what makes you happy. There are things that make me moderately happy - but not truly happy. The things that would make me happy are far out of my financial reach. It would be at least 10 years before I can reach the goals I think would make me happy - primarily getting my adrenaline fix. That is what makes me happy; getting my blood pumping. Unless you have money though, I have yet to find a source of adrenaline that satisfies me that does not include quite a bit of money. But 10 years, if my luck is good, is too long.

I do not know how to survive until a time comes where I can afford to risk smashing my car while learning how to race it down one track or another. I don't care about smashing the car, but at this point if I smash my car, I can't get to work, meaning I cannot pay my bills, which results in being homeless. I'd rather not be homeless.

So what do I do? What reason do I find to keep breathing? What reason do I have not to go ahead and end my life. Believe me, if I so choose, I will die.

So please, if not for me, then for the sake of my family, give me a reason not to kill myself.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
FadeToBlack

FadeToBlack

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 26, 2018
Messages
82
Location
UK
#2
The only thing that has prevented me from finishing things is my mother. Without her being here I doubt I would be. I have also taken lots of psych meds to try and kill myself, but it didn't work and I ended up being hospitalised, which I hated as I was put on a section 'for my own safety'.

Only you can find a purpose to live. You need to find something that brings meaning, and not everything has to be expensive.

For example I created a website last week, and I am spending all my time looking at it, making changes and posting articles. I have about 20 subscribers, 10 members and about a dozen people who have contributed. I watch a map that shows where in the world people are looking, and I post things on Twitter to get others to come and visit.

I am not saying this will work for you, but there must be something. I had no hobbies for a very long time until I built this website, and now it keeps me busy as if I am at work or studying. You need to create an inexpensive distraction to try and keep you busy. It could be anything.

All I can say about suicide is that although it's your choice, if you decide to stay try and create some things in your life that you enjoy doing, and have a focus so that you don't feel this way. Just replace all that nastiness with something positive if you can.

I am going to stop there in case I end up sounding like my old therapist!
 
A

a417h

Member
Joined
Nov 28, 2018
Messages
7
#3
Thank you for your response.

I have tried inexpensive hobbies. They never hold my interest though. The things that truly my interest are things that fuel adrenaline. These things have a decent price tag to get started, but not as much to stay in it.

Every reason someone gives me for not killing myself, I have a counter reason. I see this frustrate them, and I see this hurt them. And that just makes me more upset. They say I have potential - the only potential I see in myself is the potential to hurt others.

I'm pretty sure my therapist should have had me committed to a psych ward, but I dont think our state works that way and I have also gotten out of the psychward by fooling the doctors into thinking I was of sound mind. My point is that I dont think even being locked up for my own safety would work as I seem to have a way to casting a perception about myself that is not true.

This happens in the workplace as well, I find myself finding out that people have an entirely skewed perception of myself. Even then, and even among friends when I try to clarify their understanding of myself, they misinterpret. I rarely try to manipulate a persons view of myself. I try to let people make their own judgements. But somehow, people never see me for who I am.

It doesnt matter when this happens. When I go to work, I become someone else. When I am around people I would consider friends or at least acquaintances, I am someone else. When I am around family, yet another person. Every situation I am in, who I am seems to change, the only time I have the same personality is when I am by myself. The only time when I can come close to showing myself is behind a keyboard where nobody actually knows me.
 
F

froggymom

Active member
Joined
Jul 24, 2017
Messages
29
#4
Hello a417h. Think about your mother and her suffering if you committed suicide. She will always blame herself. I say this as a mother of a bipolar ll son. I have been in the hospital for my son's unsuccessful attempts. I thank God every day that I still have him around and,the best news is that he is making progress toward some measure of happiness and acceptance. He plays the guitar and keyboard. He started making some short term goals to work on .He writes poetry too and got a couple of poems published. You are right that 10 years is a long time to wait for results. What other talents do you have? Have you contacted Nami for help with coping? When your mind starts racing maybe do exercise in the house to exert some of that energy. Keep up the fight because you were born with purpose.
 
A

a417h

Member
Joined
Nov 28, 2018
Messages
7
#5
My parents and brothers are the primary reason I have not attempted again. I don't want to cause them any pain. I don't think I have many talents at all. I was decent at guitar, but gave it up out of frustration. I was decent at piano as well, after playing for 8 years, but have not played in more than that. I try to find ways to occupy my mind, but it is often very difficult. I haven't contacted Nami, or heard of them before. thanks for your response.
 
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froggymom

Active member
Joined
Jul 24, 2017
Messages
29
#6
" You are one and only one. You can't do everything but can do something. Do not focus on what you can't do but on what can do."Could you go back to playing the guitar and piano? Have you tried journaling?
 
A

a417h

Member
Joined
Nov 28, 2018
Messages
7
#7
I cant go back to playing those instruments as I don't have them. I have tried journaling, and it seems to do more damage than good.

I know the suicidal feelings are largely due to the psychosis I have to endure. I often try to remind myself that that is what is causing these desires of self harm and suicide, but it does't make it much easier.
 
F

froggymom

Active member
Joined
Jul 24, 2017
Messages
29
#8
I am sending you many hugs and will pray for you each day.