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*triggering* I need the release.

M

macca

New member
Joined
Dec 14, 2014
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3
Hi everyone.

I am really struggling with self harm urges this evening. They started this morning after being in a very low mood a few days or more. You know, that shit mood you can't shake off, that turns to anger, that in turn causes another urge to self harm. So, I know I'm not alone in all this, but really I am. I just need a friend for the evening, to sit with me on my sofa, here right now, with a hug. To hold my hand, listen to my words, wipe my tears and be told I'm not doing it all on my own, they will be with me.
I always find it hard to say what I need. I think that's a pretty good answer to that dreaded question, "what would make it easier right now?" I will pat myself on the back.
But instead, I sit alone, with the tools I always return to time after time. The television blaring, children asleep. The Christmas light twinkling like its a magical moment in an american movie.
What I will land up doing will have yet more serious consequences, but I need that release.
I need to feel punished for being so selfish, the guilt riddles through me and I turn to my friend. My only friend.
I want to cause damage, yet at the same time, I think I need a friend. Not a counsellor, a similar person to myself. Someone who read this and thought, I know and feel her exact situation, that isolated loneliness that only the tool can sometimes fix, for a few minutes. I'd like to be able to explore my feelings further privately with someone but also without fear or being judged.
My head is so confused, I'm using a distraction against my will, I'm trying to be hopeful in finding someone to talk to.
I feel at this particular moment, way out of my depth and I think I want saving :'(
 
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MarlieeB

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Welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry that the urges are so strong today. I'm glad you are trying to distract yourself in finding someone to talk to.

The forum has a chill out section near the bottom with for fun threads and a arcade so if talking isn't working you could try there. Of course I'm not saying don't post, please do as comfortable as you feel like.

Marliee x
 
M

macca

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Joined
Dec 14, 2014
Messages
3
Thank you Marliee.
Hope to give talking a go first, I'm so crap at opening up, but I need to now, I feel so broken.
Hope your well x
 

MarlieeB

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No problem :)

I think that is a good distraction and a good way to release how you are feeling

x
 
mami5

mami5

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Location
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Hi macca and welcome.

I know what you mean about the loneliness and the desperation in having someone to talk to who would comfort and hug you. I really hope you are still managing to distract yourself from hurting you. It might help in the short run but you'll only regret it afterwards. I know, I speak from experience. It is hard.
Try and be kind to yourself. Have a nice bath or something. :hug:

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
M

macca

New member
Joined
Dec 14, 2014
Messages
3
Hello Mami,
Thanks for the nice welcome, and your encouraging words of support.I have managed to distract myself so far, but the urge is still very strong with tools to hand. I hate having to deal with this. I wish I could just crawl up in my bed and hybernate for a few months. Wouldn't that be nice? Just an escape, nothing permanent.
I am particulary aiming my anger at the most horrid part of my body.
I often wonder if I go too far, there is no other way to describe. I want to get all my feelings out. I want to feel free.
Sometimes, I wonder why I bother x
 
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MarlieeB

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Jan 15, 2013
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Harming yourself is only a temporary release. I know how strong those urges feel and how good it is in the short term to deal with them but it won't last long and the more and more you do it, the more addicting that short release becomes and it ends up getting worse and worse.

I'm a self harmer myself, at the moment going through a stage of not self harming.

Please stay safe and maybe call the Samaritians (Samaritans | Samaritans) and talk things over with them if you feel it might help?

Keep on posting as well :)

x

(P.S you will find at some point that your posts might be edited, you won't be in trouble it's just that the forum doesn't allow specifics. It's an easy thing to do, we all have done it at times :))
 
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mami5

mami5

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 30, 2012
Messages
11,891
Location
North West Wales
I think you should hide the implements you use away in a safe place. Somewhere out of sight and out of reach. It will help you keep safe tonight. And as Marliee said, phone someone if you need to talk.

Take care :hug:

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
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