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TRIGGER WARNING Saw my rapist in the news last night

D

DimpleDebz

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SEVERE TRIGGER WARNING

Hi all, as the title says, I saw my last attacker in the news yesterday. I have Borderpolar and PTSD which led to poor safe guarding skills, perhaps sending out hyper sexual signals without really meaning to, I'm not sure what exactly led to me being a repeat rape victim (diff perpetrators) but it has to do with child sexual stuff. I hesitate to say child sex abuse because I'm only getting vivid thoughts/flashbacks (e.g. the image of my dads penis, which I could draw from memory etc however there is alot my mind won't let me remember and I haven't completely explored that with my therapist so I won't go into that. I've spent the couple of weeks feeling numb as my mind is trying to process which I guess is very Borderline coping mechanism. I usually rapid cycle and my cycles which are now between 10-13 days long are becoming more extreme, even volatile. So I've been dealing with that and loh and behold I go on INews yesterday and my last rapist is staring at me from a picture. I had a really horrible experience with the police after my first rape and I just never called them again. It's strange, I know what I should feel but whenever I tap into my emotions it's a hurricane of guilt that I didn't stop him from raping at least 4 more girls. Guilt because he CLEARLY progressed in the severity of his method. These women were pulled into bushes and I was raped in his flat in Plaistow. My emotions are boiling under the surface. They are there but I actually really believe that if I faced them I would crash. I'm trying to be careful because I already had a 30 minute trip into despair and suicidal ideation on Tuesday or Wednesday. I'm dissociating, I'm losing time e.g I'm completely sure what's happened between Monday and yesterday. I have flashes of consciousness when I am getting my son ready for school or when we've played Mikado in the afternoon with him sometime but everything else seems gone. I've missed a couple of appointments this week, not on purpose, they are just gone until I get a call asking why I've missed it. I just today realised I needed to pay my bills a week ago. Where have I been? I just had my therapy session and I was unpacking so much shit that I actually ran out of time and didn't even get to tell him about the news article which in turn has made my mood drop so I wanted to reach out here. Despair is creeping in. I'm doing my International Law Masters in Munich and I've already taken a year out, this was supposed to be a new great start but I can just feel my past trauma creeping up.

Please forgive me if you see my post in another thread. I'm going to post it in the Bipolar, Borderline and PTSD section as I am dealing with all three as I am navigating through the mud swamp of life.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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I don't know very much about trauma but i know you have to take extra good care of yourself and go slowly. I think life and healing have to run alongside one another. Triggers will come and go and maybe during those times it is just about recognising how it has affected you and getting a bit of extra help if you need it. Rest is important, keeping seeing people, basic self care.

There is no need to put the same post in different areas as many people read all of the sub-forums anyway.
 
S

SunnyDaze

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Maybe you should contact your therapist @DimpleDebz and let him know how badly you're doing? I'm sure seeing your rapist in the news was extremely triggering for you.

Your therapist can help you with the fallout from it.

Hugs
 
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DimpleDebz

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Hi SunnyDaze, yea I was hoping to discuss it with him in the session we had on Friday but I had too much to unpack and ran out of time. Unfortunately he's not there the next couple of weeks so next session is in 2 week. I've spoken to my family about it which went well with my foster mum, she was really supportive and took alot of the guilt away, unfortunately my real mum decided that I was wrong and that wasn't my rapist (she never met him so this was based on nothing) so flew into a rage with her and haven't spoken to her since. I felt victim-blamed with her. But for now the edge is off, my foster mum did a great job talking me through it 🧡
 
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DimpleDebz

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Hi JessisMe, from skimming the first couple of paragraphs, he was arrested for dragging 4 women into the bushes and raping them (separate incidents)
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Hi JessisMe, from skimming the first couple of paragraphs, he was arrested for dragging 4 women into the bushes and raping them (separate incidents)
Terrible! Did you press charges against him for your rape?
 
D

DimpleDebz

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No. I had a really horrible experience with the police after my first rape so I never reported anything again
 
D

DimpleDebz

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Thank you very much Lu, that oddly means very very much at the moment 😊
 
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