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**Trigger warning** Prisoner of my own mind.

Spit_it_out

Spit_it_out

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Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
59
Location
Aberdeen
So I've recently shared with some of you that my partner has aspergers. I've been with him 4 years and although I love him to bits and we've had some fantastic times together, he is very manipulative. Recently he has been seeing a psychiatrist as he lost his brother earlier this year suddenly and this has caused havvock on his mental state, he has become more depressed than usual and his temper has become explosive. He started off with just shoving and grabbing, sometimes he'd throw me out on the landing in my pj's with no shoes or phone or car keys so I had nowhere to go and no way of getting in touch with anyone. He's always felt bad about this and apologised afterwards. Recently however he has hit me, I have a black eye just now from an argument at the weekend and this is not the first time he has done this. Of course at the time I was so mad, I just wanted out, so I packed all my stuff up and went to my car at 3am with my dog and drove off. I then realised my phone was nearly dead, I had nowhere to go and no money. Then all I wanted was a hug and for everything to be ok, so I txt him n said my phone was way to pack in and he convinced me to come back to charge it, I never left again and I moved all my stuff back in.. I keep doing this. I go to leave and I go straight back. I can't leave him, I love him, but I don't trust him, but I also don't want to leave him alone... so confused! :(
 
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volnash

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Joined
Oct 16, 2014
Messages
566
Seems like you really care about him, this is quite normal after four years and as you have said you had some fantastic times together, it's easy to think back on those times when things are tough, but ask yourself are those times likely to come back, or not? and does the positive outweigh the negative? nevertheless i will share my opinion here, which is all it is and dont take everything i write literally.

I understand your feelings towards this issue, you dont want to leave him alone with his own problems, somehow you'd feel like a bad person if you did that.

However you cannot tolerate that he is hitting you, this is a serious problem and he seems abusive, id adwice you try to leave him even if it's hard there is no excuse for hitting you, unless perhaps if he is in a psychotic state and doesnt know you or reckognise you as his girl, in this case id suggest you would try and forgive him, this is not the case here however and you need to get out of this relationship.

It also seems to me like you are carrying the weight of his problems on your shoulders, this is in no way healthy in the long run, and id suggest you worry about your own health as it may deter if you continue to be tested in this way, he has a condition, and people with aspergers s have a hard time understanding socially what is really going on around them, this is something you clearly have accepted but when he starts hitting you it has progressed to a dangerous level, if it progresses to physical abuse you need to leave the situation.

Maybe he needs some help, he has lost his brother aswell and maybe he is still struggling with this, most likely he is so he may just need some time, and whether or not you forgive him for hitting you depends on his state of mind, and is in the end something you have to decide for yourself, as i dont know him as you do, it is however nice that he is apologetic afterwards, but this is not enough in my opinion, and he needs to really make a change in his behaviour if he gets angry, has he tried anger therapy? it's good that he has feelings of remorse, if his apologies are truthful i guess only you know this to be true or not.

As you say he's thrown you out in your pjs, he seems to me a bit out of control and is in need of some help, hopefully his psychiatrist can help him, it could be that he needs some extra assistance during this time, as he's exhibiting violent behaviour which can also be a part of his condition but taking physical abuse should not be a part of your relationship terms, if you ask me.

Ultimately this is just my opinion, id suggest you talk to someone about him hitting you, and i wish you the best in this situation, i know this is tough.
 
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Spit_it_out

Spit_it_out

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Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
59
Location
Aberdeen
Thank you so much for your quick response, there's a lot of good advice there. The problem is, because of my BPD I cannot stand being alone. I have been single in total for less than a year since I was 15 years old, I'm now 28. Since I've been with my current partner, my whole life revolves around him, all my focus is on him. If he isn't happy, I'm not happy. I know this is wrong and I keep telling myself to snap out of it and leave him but I just can't bring myself to do it. I keep packing all my stuff up and putting it into my car and driving off, then by the next day I'm back with him and all I want is for him to be happy with me.

I know his violence is unacceptable, if I heard anyone else say what I've said I'd be like "the hell are you doing still with them?!". I just cant do it. When I leave him I want to end my life, so many times I've stood on the bridge n thought 'one step is all it would take'. N then I go back to him, and I feel ok. At least until the next time he beats me up. It's a never ending cycle and I know I only have myself to blame. It's me that has to leave in order to change things, why can't I do it?

About his psychiatrist, he doesn't like me going in with him and I don't for a second believe he will tell them about him being violent with me. He likes to make out as if he is the perfect partner and he's such a good actor. In front of people, butter wouldn't melt, behind closed doors, he lies, he hides stuff from me, he makes me feel 2 inches tall and now the violence. Yet I love him and all I want is for him to be happy, n I want to be the one that makes him happy.

I feel like a fool :low:
 
V

volnash

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2014
Messages
566
You are struggling i can tell, what i should tell you in response to what you write is that it's quite obvious to me that you fear being on your own, this is understandable as you havent been single much, i came to this conclusion as from 15-28 i assume you have been in some sort of relationship, i believe this relationship is unhealthy nevertheless, this is again my opinion.

I also get worried about you standing on the bridge, and the n step part you definetely need to get away from such thoughts, when things are bad is when you need some kind of support, this can be a doctor, family, friends, or someone else id suggest you look into getting a supportive network for yourself, as well as for him, and ill also ask on a personal note that you dont try to do something like that again, even if you are not commited to doing anything bad, just try to follow me on this.

It's worrying to me that he doesnt want you to go in, and i guess it's just normal that he doesnt want anyone to know, it is a major step posting it on the forum though, as here you can remain anonymous and still get some appreciation and support, it seems to me like you have put his happiness and well-being on your shoulders, this just shows me what a wonderful person you are and i cant help that it makes me feel like you dont deserve this situation at all.

Something else worries me, you say that your whole life revolves around him this in of itself is also not healthy spit_it_out, id say you need to take some steps back and focus on your needs, seems like they have been neglected and you are hurting inside, are you currently seeing a psychiatrist yourself for your BPD issues and otherwise? i think you need someone to talk to aswell, as it seems like you are essentially his primary caregiver, you and not his psychiatrist you are also his outlet for all his frustration and his feelings, most probable he has some unresolved issues which he is reflecting onto you.

Dear spit_it_out dont feel like a fool, you are in need of affection and caring yourself, and you also have taken on alot of responsibility, i want to shift the focus a bit and make sure that you are getting the support that you need aswell, maybe you can talk to someone there about it and you definetely need a place to stay if things get worse, does he hit you often?

Thank you for reading.
 
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Spit_it_out

Spit_it_out

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Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
59
Location
Aberdeen
He will only hit me when he loses his temper, which I allow to happen. I'm trying to stop it but he makes things extremely difficult. When he lost his temper the first time and hit me, he said it was my fault cause I didn't stop nagging him. So instead I decided next time things start to escalate, I'll leave, take the dog for a walk, let him calm down. So I did this the next time we argued, when I got back he wasn't speaking to me, was being really mean when he did say stuff and I asked him what was wrong as I'd not nagged him and i'd left him to chill, he said it was cause I didn't tell him where I was going. So, I apologised, next time we argued, I said "im off out with the dog", I went out, when I got back he had a bag of clothes waiting for me, wouldn't let me in the house and said "I don't want you here tonight, go and stay somewhere else" (knowing I had nowhere else to go). So I asked him why he was doing this as i'd done what he asked, he said that it shows I don't care about him that I leave when he's upset. So every situation is lose-lose. He's at the point now I cant even judge that he's going to be violent so I can't avoid it. The last time, last Friday, I could tell that he had been lying to me again, I knew he had, and I knew if I brought it up, he would get mad, so I packed all my things while he was in the other room and I came through to the bedroom crying n said "im sorry, I know you've been lying, i do love you but its just not going to work" so i started taking my things out to the car, and he got angry started telling me to hurry the f**k up so that he can have his life back etc etc
So i thought, its getting heated, i better just leave my stuff n get out. So i went to my car and he txt me saying "you better come get the rest of your sh** or it's going out the window". So i said, ill come get it later when you've calmed down, i don't want you to get violent. He txt saying "i promise i wont get handsy". So i went back up to get the rest of my things n stayed silent n he was following me around trying to get a reaction by saying "hurry up, once you're gone, you're gone, your never coming back" so i simply said "that's the plan.." and he flipped, grabbed my hair, threw me to the ground, was punching and kicking my body n then he punched me in the face, i thought he'd broken my nose so i started screaming. N then he all of a sudden turned to nice partner, n was trying to cuddle me n saying it's ok, n that he cant let me leave when i'm in such a state, n just to stay one night n i can go in the morning n he went n got me a cold compress to put on my eye n everything.. n then i ended up not leaving.. AGAIN.

I love it when he is caring and gentle and funny and just... nice. But he's either amazing or he's absolutely horrible, theres no middle ground. N then it doesn't help with my BPD that im either one extreme or the other too. I have only just got a referral back in for my psychiatrist, I've been on amisulpride since last year and never went back to my psychiatrist, now he's retired so i need a whole new referral which i'm waiting on.

I love our flat (technically its his but I've been living with him for 3 years), and we have a dog (technically he's mine but we both care for him) and I love how I don't have to see anyone else, I'm in my own bubble. N i know that if i leave him, I'm going to have to go and stay with my sister, who is very judgemental. I used to live with her before and i was so depressed i ended up getting addicted to speed and hash (which i don't do any more of course). I just feel trapped. I leave one bad situation or go into another. At least in this situation it's someone else abusing me instead of me abusing myself. I know that's an awful way of looking at it but I have no idea what to even think of everything. Just feel trapped in a neverending cycle of misery.
 
V

volnash

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Joined
Oct 16, 2014
Messages
566
Judging by your post id like to say a few things, first off it's good that you have your dog and that you have a distraction in that way, i know it's both who own the dog but in general having pets can eleviate depression, other problems and is good for us, you release feel good chemicals when you cuddle your pet.

I dont see this ending well especially when you mentioned the episode about him grabbing your hair, throwing you to the ground and punching you, this ultimately proves to me that he is in very bad shape, he obviously has some major issues he needs to solve out, i dont know if his approach with his psychiatrist is correct or not, that's all i can say on that matter.

You stated that you allow him to lose his temper, this is absolutely not true no matter how much nagging or whatever you are putting him through, it never justifies raising your hands to a woman i find this discusting, also never blame yourself this is a waste of your own energy and will only wear you down in the end, but i do however know that he has aspergers and here is a medical way to treat irritability and aggression in aspergers, im no psychiatrist but maybe he could benefit from some medicine, i believe his violence is a testament to that, and it shows that something is out of control, as i believe its a bit deeper than you just nagging him.

For irritability and aggression: mood stabilizers (valproate, carbamazepine, lithium), beta blockers (nadolol, propranolol), clonidine, naltrexone, neuroleptics (risperidone, olanzapine, quetiapine, ziprasidone, haloperidol)

Im not promoting medicine here, but as he's physically assaulting you id reccomend that he atleast considers one of these, and tries them out because in his case it's clearly gone too far and as ive mentioned i have no problem but to reccomend medicine in this case, atleast try it out but if he's already on one of these then nevermind, you mention that he's either amazing or horrible could seem as if his mood is a bit out of control, in my opinion.

Another opinion of mine, and my view on the situation tells me that he's first abusing you physically, and then apologising, this is a form of controlling behaviour that is quite worrying he wants to have you in his corner, yet not give you what you truely deserve, im sure you'd be happy if he just stopped hitting and kicking you? im sure most people would see that as a prerequisite to any relationship, but in your case i can see that you are very much attached and determined to try and help out in whatever way you can.

In another way you are not feeling good due to this, it seems to me like you spend alot of energy leaving and coming back, and quite possibly you spend alot of energy worrying about him and his issues, and you probably have tried to help him for a long time, and then he returns the favor by using violence this worries me and i hope you can follow my adwice, id say talk to someone outside the forum and tell them exactly what you are going through, this is not good for your mental health in the long run, you may consider yourself a strong person but even strong people have their limits, dont let it reach the limit take care of it before that occurs.

As for his behaviour it seems like he has some severe anger issues, id suggest anger therapy you can ask your psychiatrist about this matter, and dont feel as if you are betrying his trust by being honest about your situation, you are at that point i believe when you have to be a bit selfish and think about your own needs.

As for you using drugs again, i believe in you and the fact that you can manage this without such things, and only should you ever use something prescribed from the doctor, dont try to self medicate i have tried this and it goes to hell every time, trust me.

Dont think of me as some advocate for medicine, but in this case if he's not already receiving medicine then he definetely needs it, if he can be violent to you in this manner, he can do it to others aswell i hope the psychiatrist is aware of this manner, speaking from experience id have no problem medicating someone who acts out on innocent or helpless people, however im not a doctor this is just my view on things as ive grown older now, and have a different view on things when it comes to this.

Take care of yourself, and try to get out of that cycle of misery the way to do this is also to try and get out of the house more, engage in hobbies and healthy activities this can be anything from going to the movies with friends and getting some disconnect from your troubles, or simply going for a walk or exercising in some way.

Good luck, and im still here to answer your new post.
 
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lovagemuffin

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 21, 2014
Messages
640
its not acceptable behaviour aspergers or no.
"you let him get angry"
don't walk on eggshells for the rest of your life get out.:hug1:
 
N

notty

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Joined
Jun 27, 2012
Messages
71
Location
california
to spit it out...When someone on the outside (Volnash) sees your situation in a different perspective and talks to you, its SO Worth listening to and doing things differently. I know from experience that this is the best place to get a handle on things. People here really do care.
 
Spit_it_out

Spit_it_out

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Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
59
Location
Aberdeen
Thanks everyone for your support, especially you Volnash, some great advice and I'll definitely take it on board. My big sister used to be in an abusive, extremely violent relationship and I remember when she came home with a black eye one time. I was begging her to leave him and I was after his blood, he told my sister he was going to kill her family so I waited outside on the steps for him for 2 hours. He never turned up. She then went back to him and I couldn't believe it. I was screaming at her and couldn't understand why she would be with someone who treated her this way, but now I understand (in a way).

It is nice to be able to tell people, I'm walking around work, I've put on a heap of make up over my eye to hide the bruise and I'm feeling absolutely awful, but nobody knows and I cant tell anyone as they wouldn't understand, only criticize, so I really do appreciate all the support and advice you all have given. It's so hard to cope alone. Much love to you all :hug1:
 
mixtape02

mixtape02

Active member
Joined
Dec 23, 2014
Messages
28
I know this is an old post but this is the exact combination of disorders in my past relationship and I wanted to say anyone who has a similar experience needs to leave.

My ex was the one with BPD, who had instigated and pushed anger out of me in conflict situations, and they wouldn't have happened if she didn't have irrational outbursts, quickly alternating with no rhyme or reason. The problem is the person who is furthering fights that have already been defused (when Spit_it_out did what he wanted and left the house to leave him alone to think and calm down). And then after hitting he is finally decent and hugs? Honestly, it sounds like he has BPD too, but to abusive extremes.
 
Mark Dixon

Mark Dixon

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Aug 17, 2016
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174
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16th Precinct
Asperger's is no excuse for the physical abuse you have been receiving from him! Asperger's is actually really quite mild so we are not talking about a major psychosis. I think this relationship is very unhealthy for you and I'd suggest you leave it and he should get counselling. If he improves after counselling maybe then you could reconsider a relationship with him but to be honest he seems very abusing and obviously doesn't give you the love and respect that you deserve.
 
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