TRIGGER WARNING: POCD or pedophile? Please help!

A

AnaJo

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Feb 14, 2019
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Croatia
#1
Hi I' a 19 y/o female and ever since I was young I had this fantasy world i lived in. I searched online and it is called Maladaptive daydream disorder and you create characters in your head and act out what they go through in your room while pacing and listening to music. Music triggers it mostly. As weird as that sounds, it is not my problem. My problem is whether or not I'm a pedophile. Soone night while laying in my bed I had some weird thoughts. I can't completely remember what but i remember thinking all of a sudden :"Am I a pedophile?" And then I remembered that one time during masturbation a thought of my daydream character as a young child having sex with another child and it turned me on more. I never thought of children in that way before and I have no idea why I was turned on. If I am a pedophile I don't want to live anymore and would commit suicide.
I tested myself with these thoughts and even checked for vaginal lubrication during these thoughts. I have no idea anymore. The worst thing is that i have heard people who have POCD thought about these thoughts as a test, and they didn't get them during masturbation. And they most certanly didn't turn them on. I'e afterwards had a fear of maybe being into bestiality or incest or if I'm bi or gay. But the most frightening thing is I was even more aroused at those thoughts. I continued what I was doing! I am a horrible person and I want to be normal.
 
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calypso

calypso

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#2
It sounds to me like intrusive thoughts. I really don't think it makes you a paedophile at all. Our minds have 75, 000 thoughts a day and some are bizarre. Just ignore them, don't dwell and think some of the other thoughts that are kinder to you. Intrusive thoughts are horrible but can be managed with Mindfulness. Taught by a good teacher it can work well to dissuade these thoughts from dominating.
 
ThinkInYellow

ThinkInYellow

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Feb 21, 2019
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#3
In order to be a pedophile you need to have the urge to hurt a child, a target for the urge, and the intention to act on the urge OR significant distress about the urges.

If you had a thought once while masturbating about a fictional character and then felt disgusted about it later you aren’t a pedophile. I suffer from POCD and struggle greatly with this same thing. I’ll see a young child and think they look abordable in their outfit, or see them do something cute and want to give them a hug. I spiral about whether or not these are urges to hurt a kid.

The next time you fear you might be a pedophile stop and think to yourself about the urgency you feel to know the answer. The feeling you get that drives you to test yourself. Have you ever looked at a child and felt that same sort of internal drive to hurt the child? If you haven’t, then it’s just intrusive thoughts.

I encourage you to check out this TedTalk, it talks about how sometimes our bodies react in unwanted ways when faced with the mere concept of sexual stimulation, even if we don’t find what’s happening sexually stimulating. It’s been helping me. Trigger warning for talk of sexual assault.

‘The truth about unwanted arousal’

Have you spoken to a therapist about these fears? I didn’t start getting help until I called a crisis line in fear that I was a danger. They started explaining to me what I’m explaining to you now. It’s a hard process to come to terms with the fact that thoughts are not intentions.

Hope this helps even a little. Trust me, the fact that this scares you means you’re not dangerous.
 
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A

ag333

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Mar 4, 2019
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#4
I was actually abused by a pedophile and they never would have been afraid they were a pedophile. they didn't care, they just wanted to hurt people. trust yourself. you are not going to hurt a child.
 
LivinWithAnxiety

LivinWithAnxiety

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Feb 25, 2019
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New York, New York
#5
I agree with Calypso. The payoff from practicing mindfulness was a tough sell
to my mind but after some time believing and making the effort I do believe it is working. So if you put aside the fact that you're *not* a pedophile, a next step might be ro work on not letting those obtrusive thoughts overwhelm or disturb you. I can imagine it's difficult for you though.