• Share. Be Supported. Recover.

    We are a friendly, safe community supporting each other's mental health. We are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

***TRIGGER WARNING*** i wanna die wanna die but don't really wanna die

calmleaves

calmleaves

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 30, 2021
Messages
572
Location
somewhere in paradise
(4 years ago)
I open my eyes to see a hospital, i look around and walking around, i didn't see anyone. I was alone. my mom left me alone in the hospital because she was upset that i won't give her money that i got from my uncle. i don't know what she was thinking, asking money from her unemployed teenage daughter that is laying sick in hospital. so she left me alone and no one in hospital would help me anything. I walked around my room. I had to share room with 3 people and there's no AC, it was super hot. Too many people inside including their families. I walked outside of the room and one of the nurse caught me and scolded me and tell me to go back to my room. What am i supposed to do? i was super bored. Nothing i can do. I feel super sad because my mom just left me all alone. I hide in one of the corner in hospital and i texted one of my friend and he said i'm complaining too much and he is tired listening of this and he blocked me forever. I called my other friend and we talked for awhile but sadly she have to leave somewhere too so we ended the phone calls. It just a horrible feeling that when you really need someone to talk, someone's company, no one is around and you have to be alone, alone and alone again.

One of the nurse caught me hiding and immediately scolded me and forced me to go back to my room. I asked the nurse politely to help me opening my medicine because i can't open it with one hand and out of nowhere she started screaming so, so loud at me, yelling at me, scolding me with no exact reason.... like she threw all of her anger towards me in one day. She knew i was vulnerable and none of my guardian is around so she can did that to me. So i had a panic attack and i cried and i couldn't say anything. The nurse is panic that she will be blame for so she imemdiately force me to shut up and act my age because i'm not a kid anymore. So i said "i have my own problems" and she said "well... just pray always" like.. what? that's the best advice and comforting words she can ever give? she better not say anything. So she left the room and still didn't help me to open my medicine of course. I cried for a long time and all the other patients and families didnt care and looked at me with disgusting look. And in the end a stranger in the room helped me opening the medicine.

And it's not just that day the nurse have been treating me bad. Whenever i'm alone with no guardian, they take the chance to scold me, yell at me, and if i cry they tell me childish and whiny. They keep scolding me again and again all the time in my time there. And i told my mom about it but of course she doens't care, in fact she's actually happy i was treated that way and she told me to stop being sensitivie. I was forever traumatized with that hospital and will never go back or hospitalized there ever.

(present)
A lot of the times i had a strong urge to die. I can't take any of this anymore. They gang up abusing me and bullying me everyday. I slowly lose touch of reality and lose touch of who i really am. But also i don't really wanna die... there's so much to live and there's so much places i haven't been... there's so much more to see... there are so much dreams and goals i have... but my family, they won't even give me a break, peace or let me breathe from all the abuse they gave me everyday.

Today in my room (inside my room there is my mom, lil sis, me, and one of my brother) we were debating about osama bin laden because my mom said he is not a terrorist and the terrorist is america and america always make islam look bad, same with ISIS that ISIS is made by america. Like stfu ;-; no need to be so denial about it if she said those shit to other people she'd look super dumb ;-; well if she said that with other local here i'm sure they'd just agreeing with her. And so i asked her a lot of question about it and my lil sis is mocking me and said "if you dont believe it then stop" and she looks at me mocking me like its super annoying and i told her "what? what is wrong with you? You want to argue about this?" and she just didnt say anything and give me a mocking face and my mom tell me to be quiet and shut up and i said "no. I will never do that. i will never let anyone or anything stepped on my right. i would never let anyone make me feel less worthy." And my mom started debating with me and said shit like wtf are you talking about, and i need to cut it out bcs its not a big deal and i need to leave my lil sis alone because she is having a fever and apparently my mom spoiled her so bad like wtf... I have several chronic autoimmune disease and i have way worse illness and pain everyday and she never give a damn about me.

Like why does she let my little sister bullying me? And i told her about how little words matter to everyone and she said that i'm being sensitive and weak unlike her. And i told her that many people have commit suicide because of little words. And my mom said they are stupid people and weak. Like stfu..... and i told her that my psychiatrist have diagnosed me with several mental issues and she cant treat me like this and all of them (my mom, lil sis and one of my brother) are all laughing and making fun of me and said im lying and blablabla like they have been laughing the minute i talk. I get it, they dont have a better argument. And my mom is very uncomfortable to talk about my traumas and her abuse and act as if she forget everything she have done like... did you forget you and your whole children and your husband have tried to severely kill me million times? did you forget your children have tried severely beaten me up till i can't breathe? and she asked me like "so what am i supposed to do about your mental illnesses?" and i said "yeah nevermind. You would never pay for therapist" and she said "wellllll just pray and all your illnesses will be gone by the miracle" and blablabla.............
and we also talked about rape victims and she said "well the victim just have to be patient!! its no use to fight!!" Like wow... seriously... 🤬
And my mom is so disgusting after doing all that shit she immediately offer to buy my fav food for breakfast tomorrow like she really thinks that gonna fix everything.. She just want to feel good about herself she doesnt actually want to do something nice. the idea of her being villain is killing her.

i just dont understand how come a mother that give birth to a child, treat their child like this? But she'd spent everything for sociopath brother and my lil sis and all my siblings :low: and so i leave the room and cried in the terrace and call my friend :cry:

and it's not like i never try to fix everything and try to escape from them. I've tried million ways, trust me. And all the proof, sound record and the photos are gone along with my phone... i never have the courage to report them and it's not like my country will ever be on victim's side since all i know is that this country always on abusers's side. I've tried all the possible way to move out but the fate is never on my side.

And i hope so hard for the pain to go away. Every scar, all the blood, more and more they're never done, it's not enough.... not enough.
I'm so used of getting bruises and sometimes unconsciously i bruised myself.
I wanna die but don't really wanna die. If i died my friend would cry and i don't know why?
Where you are when i'm dead?
If you were there, you would care... making me aware, you know it really isn't fair!!!!

And the storm is rising inside of me. It's getting harder to breathe. It hurts deep inside. And it's torturing me, but i can't break free. So i cry, i cry, i cry but it just won't let it out... the silent scream.
I'm all alone without a place to go.
The days i spent alone, afraid.
Can't you see how i cry for help?
I can't break free.

And the scars never fade, memories that replay... rewind.. to the pain that i felt everyday.

I wanna live.... wanna live... deep inside i've always been reaching out for a hand so don't let this be the end.
 
U

Usedup

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 23, 2021
Messages
103
Location
US
I am so saddened by your story. I wish there was a way people could be stopped from having children if they aren't ready. I truly hope you can find [email protected] I'm glad you want to live!
 
lucasso

lucasso

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 4, 2021
Messages
231
Location
London
I couldn't sleep so I came online and read your post. You write so well and I really feel for you. People can be so difficult at times, especially to live with. Sorry you have had a bad experience in hospital on top of home life. I wish I could wave a magic wand...sending you a hug

:grouphug:
 
calmleaves

calmleaves

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 30, 2021
Messages
572
Location
somewhere in paradise
I am so saddened by your story. I wish there was a way people could be stopped from having children if they aren't ready. I truly hope you can find [email protected] I'm glad you want to live!
Hello thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and responding to it, i really appreciate it ☺
I also wish there was a way people could be stopped from having children if they aren't capable or ready for it. It's not even about ready, my parents have me for years there is so much time to learn about good parenting and all that but of course they don't care because all they care about is breeding 🤢🤮
I hope the same! i hope i will find help... one day far far in the sky above the sea ☺
Thank you for your kind, nice, warmth words and your nice wishes, i really appreciate it, it means a lot for me ☺
 
calmleaves

calmleaves

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 30, 2021
Messages
572
Location
somewhere in paradise
I couldn't sleep so I came online and read your post. You write so well and I really feel for you. People can be so difficult at times, especially to live with. Sorry you have had a bad experience in hospital on top of home life. I wish I could wave a magic wand...sending you a hug

:grouphug:
Hello lucasso! thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and responding to it, i really appreciate it ☺
I'm so sorry that you couldn't sleep last night.. did you finally get some sleep now? :cry:
Thank you so much for understanding my feeling ☺
Hehe i wish i could wave a magic wand too to give you alllllll the good things in life because you deserve it so much!!! ☺☺☺
Thank you so much for your nice, warmth, and kind wishes and words, it makes me super happy when you responding to my post :flower2: it's little things that matter most :flower2:
Thank you so much for the hug!! :grouphug:
682202a58179666dd22ddd779e37c244.jpg
 
L

Lightanddark

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 21, 2017
Messages
1,431
I agree if u can’t be a good parent don’t have children
 
Top