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Trigger Warning: Guess I Am Still A Little Child

  • Thread starter Ritual Abuse Survivor
  • Start date
Ritual Abuse Survivor

Ritual Abuse Survivor

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Feb 23, 2020
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Australia
New recent flashbacks of sexual abuse. Not sure how to process these as it kept coming back. Hours trying to calm down to no avail oftentimes. Extremely intense. My adoptive grandfather and his wife. Yes I have a female body and even females did molested me and not just males.

I was a little child and innocent. He would fondle my flat breasts and rape me daily. The woman, his wife would tell me she’s teaching me sexual knowledge and that I need her and to rely on her all the time. She told me I have no sexual knowledge so she would teach me how to overcome my trauma of sexual abuse. She said I’m so deeply wounded by the abuse that only a re-enactment would help. They lusted at my traumatised positions and innocence. He was stroking my heart and said he liked my beautiful innocent heart. I kept having fragmented memories but these are the main ones kept popping out these days.

So this adoptive grandfather was raping me daily with the other adoptive father over me. Gang rape me. They did it daily for at least 2 decades of my life. Even as an adult I regress as a little child. As adult I regress as a teen sometimes. The trauma caused me to be a child at age 24 currently.
 
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H

Hiraeth

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Mar 6, 2020
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Wyoming
I am 24 as well. I have gone through many types of trauma but nothing as bad as you. I have CPTSD and I regress/dissoicate at times. Just remember you are a beautiful person and you don't deserve any pain that was inflicted on you. It's okay to be a child again for a little while. Your brain needs that. I am sorry if I don't have the right words to say. I just know that you should know you are cared for. Please take care of yourself. Maybe you could talk to a therapist and they could help you work out these things? I did something called ART therapy that was similar to EMDR. You might try that.
 
Ritual Abuse Survivor

Ritual Abuse Survivor

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Joined
Feb 23, 2020
Messages
51
Location
Australia
I am 24 as well. I have gone through many types of trauma but nothing as bad as you. I have CPTSD and I regress/dissoicate at times. Just remember you are a beautiful person and you don't deserve any pain that was inflicted on you. It's okay to be a child again for a little while. Your brain needs that. I am sorry if I don't have the right words to say. I just know that you should know you are cared for. Please take care of yourself. Maybe you could talk to a therapist and they could help you work out these things? I did something called ART therapy that was similar to EMDR. You might try that.
yes I will open up about my distress next Friday to my psychiatrist. I need sense safety and build trust with him first. I don’t know how long it takes. for two reasons. One, I don’t want to give all the extreme details that would most likely overwhelm him as I did to others in the past so this time, I want to do it slowly. Secondly I want to feel comfortable enough to open up because it’s not easy you know. I even struggle to read back what I’ve noted down of my flashbacks.

what is ART therapy? Never heard of it.
 
H

Hiraeth

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Wyoming
A psychiatrist is not a therapist and they are not as good at dealing with talk therapy. Do you have a therapist? I have a hard time feeling safety too. it is scary to trust people. Let me know if you ever wanna talk. It's okay. it stands for accelerated resolution therapy.
 
Ritual Abuse Survivor

Ritual Abuse Survivor

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 23, 2020
Messages
51
Location
Australia
A psychiatrist is not a therapist and they are not as good at dealing with talk therapy. Do you have a therapist? I have a hard time feeling safety too. it is scary to trust people. Let me know if you ever wanna talk. It's okay. it stands for accelerated resolution therapy.
i actually got a rare option with this psychiatrist who does both meds and psychotherapy. It helps me save financially as I’m currently on disability. I’m intrigued. Accelerated resolution—can’t tell what it is unless you expand the modality? I’m ok to talk.
 
I

indigo6

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I am so sorry for your hurt. They were truly evil people and you only a child. You know they were wrong and you know you did nothing to make this happen.
You will get over this one day, you will no longer be haunted and see they must have been out of their minds. Love and light to you.
 
M

Meat Sack

Guest
Hello. I'm 32 now and I survived abuse this violent. I was used in CP. I'm physically mutilated. I just want to tell you that after seeing a trauma therapist and getting EMDR I don't obsess over it all the time anymore. I still do sometimes but it isn't agonizing anymore. I'm still unable to form close relationships or be intimate with anyone but I don't want to die all the time anymore. I hope you're doing okay.
 
Ritual Abuse Survivor

Ritual Abuse Survivor

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 23, 2020
Messages
51
Location
Australia
Hello. I'm 32 now and I survived abuse this violent. I was used in CP. I'm physically mutilated. I just want to tell you that after seeing a trauma therapist and getting EMDR I don't obsess over it all the time anymore. I still do sometimes but it isn't agonizing anymore. I'm still unable to form close relationships or be intimate with anyone but I don't want to die all the time anymore. I hope you're doing okay.
I’m sorry to hear that. What is CP? How did EMDR has helped you?
 
M

Meat Sack

Guest
CP is child porn. EMDR helped to process the worst traumatic events that constantly replayed over and over in my head. It also helped de-program the brainwashing I was subjected too. My abuse involved lots of bondage, sensory deprivation, being forced to look at violent imagery, hurt other children, and lots of blood and physical pain. Sorry if that is distressing to you? I just wanted you to know that there is hope in recovering.
 
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