- Apr 8, 2021
- United States
My mom. Suddenly, August 26 she was diagnosed with brain cancer. She passed away November 13. I was her main home hospice caregiver. At the time, I was also in 3 virtual classes at my university and doing virtual learning with my 2 kids (under age 10). I felt then like I was starting to lose it from stress. Waking up shaking. I did online therapy and got prescribed anti anxiety meds during that time. The last few weeks of moms life... My brain just prevents me from thinking about. I can say and write words but I cant day dream about sitting in the room without my brain screaming no and interrupting with random thoughts. As her caregiver, I was constantly trying to grasp what stage of dying she was at. I needed to know, to get the kids out of the house at the right time. I was examining her urine for ketones to gauge kidney function. Then, I noticed a strange smell in the house. Not a bad smell not like rotting or feces or urine. It was a smell like mothballs. I went crazy looking this up on hospice nurse forums and found out some people can smell when death is near while others cannot. My sister smelled what I did. It wasnt psychosomatic because opening windows and doors decreased it. I called my dad to tell him and he right away knew what I was talking about. I made plans to bring him my kids Thursday after their virtual school. That Wednesday night, I heard a loud bang at like 3am and ran downstairs. It was a horrifying scene. She had undressed herself and had falled on her back in the kitchen. There was blood everywhere I thought maybe from banging her head. It was not from her head. It was from internal bleeding in the digestive system. She said " I think this is it." I held her hand and waited, watching the clock for about 5 minutes. I kept hoping the kids stayed asleep. Then I determined it isnt the time. I got her cleaned up. I dressed her and lifted her into the wheelchair and somehow got her back into bed. I felt bad I shouldve been sleeping in the same room as her, I knew it was close. The boys went to stay with my dad Thursday. She slept after that mostly, until she passed away Friday morning. I feel bad about every time I gave her liquid medicine and she sucked on the dropper. It was like a baby. It made me uncomfortable and my whole body tensed up. I think she saw that but I don't know if she understood. At this time, I also started getting really interested in "unreal" things some might say. I started believing in reincarnation and reading esoteric texts. I believe my goosebumps are a 6th sense and sometimes people pop into my mind and I reach out to them only to find it was a pivotal moment. (Examples: my friend was in labor 3cm dilated, my moms friend was having a 50th birthday party that night). The day I first drove my mom to the hospital in a panic, missing turns all that.. My sister and cousin both texted me during that 15 min window. This is when I started to think about psychic abilities, despite being a scientist (biochemist). Lately, I feel addicted to dreaming. I graduate in 23 days and I feel like I no longer have any idea what I want in life despite working for 5 years towards my goals. I feel like the pressure is so monumental that I am gonna explode. I know its not based in reality but I feel like if I could just sleep way way more that my super conscious would work this out. I also have been considering throwing her a birthday party on august 6th because a due date calculator online says if a baby is concieved nov 13th thats when theyd be due. I know its irrational to some, but I like the idea of her being born again as a baby in August. I also think alot about the nonsense she said. Random things like seeing purple curtains and stuff. I really think im disappearing into my mind as much as possible and I don't know what to do.