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***TRIGGER WARNING- Discusses sexual assault*** I don't know what's wrong with me.

W

wilsonskye14

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May 12, 2021
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Jamestown, NY
I need to do some backstory so people can understand my dilemma better and kind of get an idea of what I'm going through. Its going to be detailed so if youre trigger is sexual assault, please dont read this.



I had a best friend of 4 years up until 7 years ago. She was like my sister. We did everything together. It's a cliche but it's so true.



7 years ago I was invited to her house with her boyfriend to drink which wasn't unusual for us. We were 18, just being dumb. My problem with drinking at that age was I got black out drunk almost every time I drank. I had a feeling stuff might happen between me and my friend drinking, which I was fine with, but I tried avoiding blacking out.



I did indeed black out but I remember distinctly 2 things from that night. The first was her boyfriend whispering in my ear begging me to kiss my best friend because it was his birthday. I said no multiple times because shes my friend and in a relationship and even if he was okay with it i wasnt. I blacked out shortly after that conversation. The next thing I remember is im orally pleasing my friend. My clothes are still on but im on my knees. I remember my pants were buttonless and insanely tight. They were always a struggle to take off and put on. I still have them. While on my knees all I remember is her boyfriend trying to pull down my pants and me stopping what im doing but only using my hands to try to keep my pants up. I dont remember if i said no. That was the last thing I remember that night.



The next morning the sides of my legs are bruised from my pants being rolled down but im in my own bed at my parents. My mom said that night she came and got me. She said i was across the street in my friends neighbors yard and bawling uncontrollably. She said no matter how many times she asked i wouldnt tell her what happened.



I still dont know what happened, but ever since then i have not been okay in the slightest.



Its been 7 years. I have not spoken to my friend since that night. I have gained over 100 pounds, i am very depressed, i have the worst anxiety. I didnt leave my house and work for 4 years (i did go to college but it was online). I have not had a single friendship since then. I didnt even have relationships. Im not okay, still to this day.



3 years ago i got a job i loved in retail of all places and i stuck to that. Im now in a 3 year relationship with my boyfriend and i stuck with that. But i am still not okay in the slightest.



Im terrified of opening up and exploring new things, meeting new people, i hate myself with a burning passion, i push everyone including family away, i never have motivation to do anything, etc.



The point of all this that leads to my question is why do i miss my friend so much?



I think about her at least once a week or every other week. I look on her profile to check up on her and i cant help but miss her. She just got engaged to this same boyfriend the other day though. But part of me always wondered if maybe the trauma i thought i experienced was in my head? I dont remember anything so maybe it didnt happen the way i lead myself to believe all these years? And if it did happen, i always believed she wasnt aware of what was happening either. I know from what i remember she was as drunk, if not drunker than i was.



I dont know if i need to make myself believe that because it makes things easier or what. Ive seen her a few times in public and its not the fear of seeing a rapist. Its the fear of not knowing how to react, wanting to just go up and talk to her. Even tonight, i just want to message her and say i miss you and reconnect even if its that one small interaction.



I won't but ive always felt deep down, something doesn't feel right if im missing her, grieving her, and not fearing her the way i probably should?



Can someone tell me if they experience this same thing or if its normal to essentially miss and wish to reconnect with your rapist?



I know my circumstance might be unique but I'd love feedback. I feel like Id get negative criticism, but i promise you this isnt me trying to normalize those that have experienced sexual assault. I do not feel normal. Im embarrassed and ashamed i feel this way. I just want help.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Hi there welcome to the forums. Wow, what an awful experience to go through. The trauma you felt afterwards is certainly understandable. I have not been through anything like this before but I think relationships are complicated and when you have had mostly a positive history with someone it’s not unusual to miss that person and those good times together even if the relationship ended in a deeply traumatic way. I wouldn’t worry about your feelings at all. I’m glad that you have a job you love and a boyfriend and that things are going better for you these days. xo, j
 
calypso

calypso

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Hiya. I think its all a jumble in your mind isn't it? I remember getting that drunk when much younger and its frightening the situations I got myself into as a result. I think since its affected you so much that you need some form of therapy to unpick that night and be clearer on how to move forward from there. Therapy also teaches techniques to cope with your feelings. I know its expensive but its worth looking into. I know a person who does it for £40 an hour which might be manageable if you can find one like that.

It could be that you need to talk to a doctor briefly (you don't have to go into details) and ask for some medication to help with your mood. You are not to blame for what happened and you are not responsible. They behaved very badly towards you as you do remember saying No several times and trying to hold onto your pants. As for why you want to connect with your attacker/ex friend, I think that is all part of wanting closure on this.
 
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