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Trigger... Sexual abuse. Opinions wanted on blank memories.

C

Coolname

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Jun 3, 2019
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Hi

I am not sure I was sexually abused. I am emotionally certain I was but I was very young and the memories just aren't there.

I always had flashes of memory about a family member. A game that involved getting naked. Numerous memories of him locking us in the bedroom before... something. Numerous warnings about not telling. I always ignored these flashes of memory. I had my suspicions but it was all too vague.

A few years ago another family member disclosed to me that the same person had sexually abused him around the same time as my memories. That hit me like a sack of bricks and I suddenly became absolutely certain, more certain of anything in this world that he had also abused me.

However, I am still uncertain because it was all so long ago. I am worried I am being overly dramatic, feel like a bit of a fraud because I can't remember anything more but then I don't remember much of childhood anyway.

I would be grateful for the opinions of anyone with knowledge of this subject. Do you think I would know absolutely if this had happened circa 4 to 7 years old? Does this 'emotional certainty' that does not have anything more than circumstantial evidence behind it ring true or false? Please don't worry about validating me or not, I want your impartial opinion.

Thanks
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Hi,
I'm sorry this happened to you, for some children traumatic memories can be forgotten.
Playing sexual games can be grooming.
Does this person still have contact with children?
Take care
 
C

Coolname

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Hi,
I'm sorry this happened to you, for some children traumatic memories can be forgotten.
Playing sexual games can be grooming.
Does this person still have contact with children?
Take care
Hi Mayflower

Thanks for your response(s) and for your concern about children. I made the relevant people aware of past events as soon as I became aware. The emotional certainty was / is so strong and there is further circumstantial evidence I don't want to share, I also know there is a pattern of me blocking out traumatic stuff but even so, I doubt myself. The lack of objective clarity is troubling.
 
Z

Zoe1

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I thought I had a blocked memory come up in therapy once
about being abused by a relative
and I now think that it did not happen to me
but it happened to my mother a generation back
and somehow I was re-living her memory

I have a feeling yours is your own memory though
it rings true,
and why do we block them out ?
because our minds are very clever like that
so that we can survive,
denial is a really important mechanism I think

that protects us until its safe to bring it out

:grouphug:
 
C

Coolname

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Messages
222
Location
UK
I thought I had a blocked memory come up in therapy once
about being abused by a relative
and I now think that it did not happen to me
but it happened to my mother a generation back
and somehow I was re-living her memory

I have a feeling yours is your own memory though
it rings true,
and why do we block them out ?
because our minds are very clever like that
so that we can survive,
denial is a really important mechanism I think

that protects us until its safe to bring it out

:grouphug:
Thanks Zoe

You're right, our minds are very clever and very strange.

I've experienced myself burying other memories as an adult. It was eye opening to witness the mechanism. My brain just said enough, I disassociated... from reality I suppose, and the high stress memories instantly faded and it took conscious and repeated efforts for them not to disappear altogether. I've also had a couple of embarrassing conversations where people have mentioned stressful events in the past and I have absolutely no recollection, not like I had forgotten, like the events had been wiped clean. It was only the people concerned having both details and no reason to lie that convinced me.

The strangeness of our brains and unreliability of our memories is the main reason I doubt myself.
 
Z

Zoe1

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I think actually most people lose memories
and its very selective, and mysterious
how and which ones our unconscious chooses to keep
to hide away and to discard

including positive ones

apart from people who have an eidetic memory
who remember much more detail than we normally do

people are always telling me things from the past that I dont remember


:)
 
G

Girl interupted

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Nov 17, 2018
Messages
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I’m struggling with this too, only my memories were buried so deep it took five years of therapy to dig them out.

You recall much more than I did, but there’s no denying the gut feeling. Trust it. As scary as that may feel. It’s the key to your freedom. It’s the key to stop making those plans.

It’s an atrocious accusation, so I understand the hesitancy. It changes lives.

But if it is at the core of your pain, then I encourage you to gather up all the strength you have and explore it with a therapist. Please don’t do it alone, you need help.

In my case I always felt it. But couldn’t figure out who.

What helped me open the locked door was listening to top radio hits, year by year, and gauging my visceral reaction. Then doing the math and figuring out my age. Then looking at who had access.

It’s traumatizing. And painful, but that music unlocked a memory of him fondling my next door neighbour.

I’m still not through it, but at least I’m not doing musical chairs of “who.”

But you need to do this with help. Please tell me you are currently in therapy or you will get into it ASAP.
 
C

Coolname

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I’m struggling with this too, only my memories were buried so deep it took five years of therapy to dig them out.

You recall much more than I did, but there’s no denying the gut feeling. Trust it. As scary as that may feel. It’s the key to your freedom. It’s the key to stop making those plans.

It’s an atrocious accusation, so I understand the hesitancy. It changes lives.

But if it is at the core of your pain, then I encourage you to gather up all the strength you have and explore it with a therapist. Please don’t do it alone, you need help.

In my case I always felt it. But couldn’t figure out who.

What helped me open the locked door was listening to top radio hits, year by year, and gushing my visceral reaction. Then doing the math and figuring out my age. Then looking at who had access.

It’s traumatizing. And painful, but that music unlocked a memory of him fondling my next door neighbour.

I’m still not through it, but at least I’m not doing musical chairs of “who.”

But you need to do this with help. Please tell me you are currently in therapy or you will get into it ASAP.
Thank you so much for your response.

I'm so sorry to hear of your experiences. :hug: I agree with you on the gut feeling. I'm normally logic first and last but in this case it was a gut certainty.

Thanks for asking. I'm doing counseling rather than therapy at the moment and addressing other stuff as priorities. It was easier for me to make the accusation (to ensure child safety) because another relative had told me of his experiences without prompting and also because the individual concerned is exactly the type of scumbag who would.

:hug:
 
G

Girl interupted

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When you are ready look into psychoanalytical therapy. Only an MD (doctor) can do it. It means they can prescribe meds while you are doing it. Trick is finding one. They are like unicorns the ones that do therapy.

I've done therapy most of my adult life. This has been the only thing that worked.
 
C

Coolname

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When you are ready look into psychoanalytical therapy. Only an MD (doctor) can do it. It means they can prescribe meds while you are doing it. Trick is finding one. They are like unicorns the ones that do therapy.

I've done therapy most of my adult life. This has been the only thing that worked.
Thank you.

I've had a form of psycho analytical therapy. It helped lots but there were issues. I'm also more than a little scared of the drugs in the psych's cabinet. I will keep getting support and keep addressing my MH issues. After about 8 years of facing and exploring my problems it is beginning to feel like a permanent part of my life but vast improvments in my interactions with other people, vast improvements in my emotional life and vast improvements in my quality of life make it so worthwhile. I hope you are feeling similar gains.
 
G

Girl interupted

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I just remember how we met here. And I truly think this is key to stopping those plans permanently.

Sorry, as bpd, I feel your pain. I want you to live.

And we know it's all about me :D
 
C

Coolname

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:LOL: Why not let it be about you? You are the only you the world has :).

Thank you once again. Yeah, my plans become more or less tangible depending on my yo-yo moods but that is much better than where I was when I first started posting. (y)
 
G

Girl interupted

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:LOL: Why not let it be about you? You are the only you the world has :).

Thank you once again. Yeah, my plans become more or less tangible depending on my yo-yo moods but that is much better than where I was when I first started posting. (y)
Really stupid but this made me tear up.

You are such an amazing soul. I'm so glad you found here.
 
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