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Tried to help many others, but now I need some support

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linus

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Take a hot bath? Do some physical exercises to waste yourself? :)
 
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gam9147

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thanks linus, I hope you are doing OK today, I read in the other thread a bit of the troubles your going through and I feel for you my friend.

I did stay very active yesterday, probably even too much. I went out to yoga in the morning which I never do since I'm not usually awake but since I was up anyways then mowed the whole back yard and drove out to work for a few hours and back. did have trouble driving but fortunately had a phone call towards the end to keep me awake... 1 hr drive is no good with so little sleep. Other than that I made it through and felt much better last night again after giving myself some permission to relax.

So many things going on that my mind i having trouble prioritizing and wants to back burner self care until I can 'fix' some things... but realizing I can't go so quickly and need to slow it down is part of feeling better.
 
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linus

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Until now we had a good weekend, thank you. It’s weird because we can make some good things together: cycling, tennis, watching a movie, strolls, etc , but we always have this big elephant in the room (and outdoor) and we don’t talk about it, yet we all are aware of it. Our psychiatrist told us that psychosis is the toughest ilness possible, I guess we don’t realise this.
However one thing is for sure: as soon as we all get involved in physical stress, we can sleep better and the mental stress is lower for the day.
 
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gam9147

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Yes, stay present, stay active. I've been trying my best. today those thoughts just kept coming. A lot of driving today which is unavoidable, but it gives me too much thinking time. try to drown it out with radio but sometimes its harder than others.
 
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gam9147

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So I had a really good day Monday but then kinda fell apart again on tues and to some degree wed. Worked through things but very hard to stay present. feel like I need some counters but I'm having trouble finding them and my therapist is still all in on being present and accepting. Sometimes I think dialectic therapy is not the best for me, but I'm trying my best to stick with it.

Trying to remind myself its OK to be broken right now... its OK to feel the way I do. I don't need to solve or even have a plan for my future right now, I just need to make it through.
 
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gam9147

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whats devops? but yes please share any secrets, tips, methods, tools, I'm definitely all ears :)
 
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gam9147

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Oh you mean talk tech in order to stay present, I thought you meant a new therapy technique :)

Tv seems to help me, as long as I'm in an OK enough place to watch it without feeling judgement that I'm not getting enough done -- ie I'm too far behind on things. But working on that too. Evenings have been better, even afternoons. mornings are still being tough on me. Have to 'reaffirm' my self talk every morning to get back to a place where I can then go do stuff for the day. Then I guess towards the end of the day I let myself finally relax since I feel like I did stuff.

Last day or two I've been trying to remind myself its OK to be broken, don't need to fix friendships and relationships right now. Its OK to be alone.

I really think I'm very scared of just being alone, every time I bring it up to the therapist she suggests ways to not be alone. But I'm wondering if I don't need to work on desensitization to being alone itself to alleviate that particular fear before trying to just be more social all the time. I am going out and doing quite a number of things -- more than I usually would ever do, so Its not like I'm isolating. As it is I sometimes find it hard to find the time to get back on here, and with my other online game friends as I want to maintain those relationships too! Maybe its a mess of creating too much expectation on social interaction in the short run.
 
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linus

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Being alone can become something like a virtue, but you would train for that in a better moment in your life. I think indeed being active in your social life would help you more to cope in general now. Also reduce TV and put some physical exercise time instead or at least long walks outdoors, it helps a lot.
 
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linus

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And btw, as a therapy, I have no idea how much it would cost in other countries (here it was acceptable), you could try neurofeedback, it seems it helped my son with the anxiety, we cut off completely the anxiolitics.
 
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gam9147

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I am going to bring up aloneness again on Monday in therapy and try again. It seems every-time I bring it up I sidetrack myself and dont explain what I'm feeling or thinking. Usually I'm feeling better by Therapy is part of the problem, not usually in there when I feel presently bad.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not isolating, I know thats bad. I am out at Yoga 3-4 times a week in a class with others, talking to them inbetween trying to be social and making friends. I have a few doctor apts each week, I have the therapist each week. I usually go out with my mom once a week or so, and for work I'm out 5-6 days a week for a while (non-standard work schedule though). For work I am self employed so I don't have co-workers but I do have to drive various places and see various people so there is social interaction there. Lastly, I still spend some time with my wife in a friendship capacity either watching a movie or TV, or talking about our business or when I have to, talking about issues related to the divorce.

I also get on here, have two games I play, one with verbal interaction with friends. So I actually don't spend too much time alone, but what goes on in mind often times especially in the mornings and when I'm driving is the thoughts return to that and obsess over it and its been difficult to put them aside.
 
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gam9147

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thank you :)
I had a better weekend, but was mostly focused on taxes (tax day 4/15 in the US). Its easier for me to focus on work or some task as is not really surprising. And that's fine :)

Not sure what to bring up in the therpist anymore, don't even feel like talking much today, so will leave it at that. still trying to stay in the present! Anxious morning ahead, there is some legal thing in the mail that I saw arriving certified in a few hours , makes me nervous.
 
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linus

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Yeap, one thing, that worked for me before, was to dive in to work.
 
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gam9147

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Feb 18, 2019
Messages
369
Location
Delaware, USA
Hi hi all.

Just updating. I went through a week of feeling pretty good until tues night and then something just clicked wrong in my head and I was back to feeling poorly for the past few days. Celebrate our victories -- I felt great for a week, happy at times and like everything was going to be OK!

Feeling bad seemed to start with a self confidence hit and then turned into jealously about seeing others around me dating and having fun. I'm happy for them and I want my friends and acquaintances to be happy, but given my situation it's making me jealous and think why can't I have that? It's weird because others I know are happily married with kids aren't causing that as much as those I know who are not married and dating. I guess anxiety about my own upcoming plight.

I am so broken I know I can't date right now and shouldn't but that doesn't stop the horrible feelings of course. Why not me?

On the counter-side, because of the situation with the house and my wife and I still living together for at least another 3/4 of a year I couldn't really date if I wanted to, and I wouldn't want to violate our marriage until the divorce actually went through. which is silly but important to me at least.

so its another one of those things that I'm anxious about either way, and my mind keeps refocusing on this regardless of how many times I push it away. Work has been lighter this week, and I've been out to Yoga more to try to make friends and combat feelings. It helps to not be in the house as much right now as well.
 
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