Tried to help many others, but now I need some support

blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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In a word prioritise what
  1. Needs to be done – repucussions ie late bill paying….
  2. want to do – household chores
  3. like to do- meditation etc
find a way of managing life more smoothly
 
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gam9147

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Thanks Black. its funny you put chores under want to do... I feel like those are a needs to be done, but then again everything feels like a needs to be done when I feel bad ;)

Feeling better tonight and like I can handle things!
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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everything that has a financial or legal obligations is the king of the Jungle! everythiing else can wait when you are severly depressed
 
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gam9147

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Too true! At least when feeling anxious getting up and doing some cleaning is a natural way to both move a bit and get some chores done.

I'm feeling poorly again tonight. Had a bit of a breakdown earlier in/during/after seeing a movie with the wife. Asked her again why... she can't answer the why question, and I should know not to ask it, but I can't help it. That caused her to be anxious and sad and cry, then caused me to be sad and cry, and now just anxious.

All this is pretty normal but I just had about 3 or 4 days of low anxiety almost gone so I was getting used to feeling a bit more normal again even with the challenges ahead. Now I'm back to being a bit scared.

I can make it through, trying to return to posting here, and doing simpler things to occupy me today. I tend to have less work and things I absolutely have to do on tues/wed which makes for too much time to think.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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Yep anxiety get the house hold chores done and depression well what can I say and a mix is quite something. And that is draining,

Yes life and its dips and the moods…its some ‘merry go round’ in the cold light of day these are thoughts which become feelings which then consume our attention
 
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gam9147

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It's a weird difficult position, I'm trying to learn to stay in the moment and not to judge. But this one is hard not to think about/judge. My wife is my friend, so we're getting divorced, but she is also one of the only people that truly understands me, knows me, and encourages me. Part of me feels shamed for spending time with her that we don't absolutely have to spend together -- we watch tv, and work together and eat out together.

there are things I'm doing by myself to transition, I'm not relying completely on her, but there are times I'm feeling so poorly from anxiety and if she is well enough, she can help me through these times.

Does that make any sense? I keep judging myself for not being more separated, even though it takes time, I'm trying to remind myself that day will come but there is no reason to rush it, or judge it for now. That is a very difficult task to do...
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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Staying in the moment is a tough thing to keep up. But it is well worth the effort as at times as we keep 0n doing this we can begin to even catch ourselves in our own negative loop. Our behaviour reaction to others- dunno if that makes sense.

You have a lot to change. your life is altering radically, great that you are starting to let go of this relationship (sad though it is for you). You maybe will need to find other ways of coping and getting through anxiety maybe go for a power walk.

Best not judge yourself. just stay alert to your habitual coping mechs that w0uld be best to start letting go of. Just little steps along the way
 
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gam9147

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Practice makes perfect on the judging? I'm trying to apply the dialectic therapy methods, but I need more practice/time I think with it. Meditation does help. I need to build enough confidence in my own methods that I can feel like I can handle it without a crutch person. I said that to my therapist but she thinks... and it is natural to use a crutch in situations like this... everyone relies on their friends. But I don't have any close close ones in real life, only my game friends, my internet friends and you wonderful forum folks :)

I think my therapist is afraid I am going to isolate myself, but I'm really not that way... but it helps me to think I can get through things on my own since that is more or less one of my constant worries is that I can't.

In the meantime there is this weird relationship with my wife that I want to transition to a friendship but do it the 'right' way, whatever that is. I guess that itself is a judgement. Don't judge, let the relationship be exactly what it is right now and it will naturally transition to whatever it ends up transitioning to? Is that too much in the moment?

I went out today to try to ask about refinances, splitting up loans/bank accounts and lawyer stuff but didn't manage to talk to anyone. I put in a bunch of emails and phone calls, but going out and driving around thinking about it all was no good for me, I'm a bit down again this afternoon, but better since I got home a touch.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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Ah a word of caution about feelings these things lead us a ‘merry dance’ the only sure fire way is to keep on doing stuff even and especially when you don’t want to which is very tough but keeping an eye that you don’t go ott difficult balance but progress can be made.

The thing with life is that it helps to break things down and tackle it that way. Where you can. Now that is Very tough to transition from husband to friend – don’t know if that is possible but who knows.

Yeah there is a lot all at once for you that is happening so take it steady and have a plan so when you get out of focus and pick back up again you have got some idea where you left off
 
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gam9147

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From what I read its possible... My wife and I's relationship has been more non-sexual for some time, our intimacy had been fading... so its really less steps than one would think -- the attraction isn't there for her at all , for me its waned a lot. The intimacy, cuddling and other aspects I've also been doing without for a while since she hadn't wanted that either.

The toughest part for me to now seems to be to transition the emotional. She is an emotional crutch for me in many ways and I simply don't feel whole without her around. So coming home and having her around again even if she isn't with me, is some comfort. Maybe that's not great but its kind of the way it has to be for now regardless. When she gets sad and upset it affects me, and that's hard. Because I care about her it should affect me. When my mom gets upset it affects me too. So thats 'normal', but I also need to try to focus on separating my well being from hers...

Thanks for continuing to read and support me blacksmoke, and other's who maybe lurking but not posting. I'm kind of writing this all out as a form of helping me understand and deal with it, so its very helpful and kind thoughts and encouragement is always appreciated :)

I am trying to do less judging of myself and what social relationships I should be in. I'm still relatively busy when I'm feeling OK I have myself doing Yoga 3 times a week, working 5 days a week, chores and in my spare time trying to figure out all the legal and financial aspects of divorce. So I'm busy but also trying to make time for social interaction with my online friends and keep up with my mom and others.

I honestly don't know what a 'normal' social relationship looks like for people, I could use examples, what is normal in social for you? or if you don't feel it is (because of social anxiety) what do you think most exemplifies normal? I have a lot of social interaction in a given day of all kinds but much of it is very fleeting, and I guess I don't have those friends to call up (except my wife) in case something series goes down.. say I was in the hospital. Who would come visit me for example?
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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Hi gam thanks for saying so reg your thanks. It seems that you are moving into a new season in life a one where you will need to start finding ways of ‘dealing with’ the emotions and lot of people struggle with these I think that is why there is so much unhappiness in the world.

We are ‘encouraged’ to look outwards and yeah that is ok to some extent but we just don’t grow much when we put all our focus and expectations of others to meet our needs. It’s a hard balance as we need people but we also need to have some autonomy in our life I believe.

Also we cant live other people’s life for them its often mistaken that we should keep doing this. For instance in counselling they have what is called a triangle of interactions
  1. rescuer
  2. victim
  3. lol cant for the life of Brian what this one was it was the only positive one on the triangle how like me to forget that!

Anyway today I was at a function and this person I started chatting to obviously had a lot of ‘issues’ so much so she was just talking to anyone who would listen quite sad really. But I quickly realised that I was way over my head with this situation. Other people are aware of her very needy nature. People are friendly to her but they cant fix her life. Hopefully through time she will see folk who good role models and maybe she might start to change…its like she needs parenting.

Ah social situations cant be anything that you are not. I do hope that you get out and about and meet real folk and not just us on-liners.

I wouldn’t be surprised if I had social anxiety but I have done my utmost to go through life without labels as labels are like baggage and these days in aeroplanes they are strict about weight allowance- so very restrictive really. I mean my parents and grand parents knew none of these labels!! Quite an industry now which is great for shrinkwraps and psychologists.

I drop out of the social scene for long stretches and never really gave it much thought. Yeah the social scene what I do notice is that folk don’t really listen to each other in fact they talk louder and more rapidly in order to get heard and I think gee dear if your voice is so centre stage why do I need to bother talking! So most folk do the talking. But I really don’t like folk that talk at me I cant abide it and I can get rude as I find it rude!
 
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Mary26

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I have been in a similar situation with my husband but we ended up having a second chance so until it's a done deal, it's not. I thought to myself, gee, I was crazy about this guy once. What happened? I realized I had shut him out for a few reasons and I opened again. So when I finally started looking at him the way I used to again, he couldn't help but respond. If it was there once I think it might be possible to recapture it. If you genuinely don't feel attracted to her, however, maybe it's for the best because isn't passion and sex a big part of life? And do you think if you were with someone you were crazy about and sexually active (huge anti-depressant!) you might feel less depressed?
As for the working out the details, i think it's a long, slow process and I wouldn't stress about getting it done immediately. But it is an emotionally painful process. Please don't beat yourself up about the time you spent focusing on your career rather than building relationships. I have seen too many people have a large circle of friends in a short time once they were open to it. I do believe that if you are open to it, it will come to you. With everything.
And as for getting through the "death" of your marriage (because it is like a death) do you think you could benefit from joining a support group? Maybe even an on-line support group?
 
megirl

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I can totally empathise,
This time last year my husband announced out of the blue its over.
No real explanation no let's have counselling or a trial separation,he broke my heart.
Try not to isolate yourself, let others know what's happening and you really need their support at this time.
Do keep to a routine. Eating well getting enough sleep,try not to put any extra pressure on yourself
Just keep a check on your mental health and if needed get in touch with your GP if you that extra support
 
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gam9147

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Thanks Blacksmoke, mary and megirl. Mary -- unfortunately this divorce was really the request of my wife not me and I still don't understand it. But as megirl points out, sometimes you can't or won't and I kind of know that, so I resist the urge to try to 'figure it out' because everytime i bring it up with my wife it just goes south fast.

so yeah its not so much that I am not as attracted to her and more that slowly over time I've been more used to not having the attraction returned and so it withers slowly.. if that makes sense. For her, I don't know that the attraction has been there for a very long time, and that maybe at the heart of it. for me, especially at my age (mid-40s) its not the most important thing any more, but she has to be willing to work on things and she's just not really.... which is weird because she has been working on things better since she has to communicate better with me now. . Weird irony because before she could kind of shut me out but not with divorce issues she can't really.

Anyhow, I've been gone a few days, generally been non-anxious (yay!) - got myself busy, saw a divorce attorney for a consult, got a new car since we only had the 1 car and that wasn't going to work going forward. Been too busy to even think much, so better?
 
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gam9147

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But Wed was a bit of a rough day for me. tue was at the car dealer and didn't get home until past midnight, then wake up early on wed morning for divorce consult with my wife -- that went well though. She is more comfortable talking about these things with a third party in the room. Makes sense I guess.

Then my mom came over in the afternoon and was kind of poking me about random things that I was trying *not* to think about and stay present like what happens with the house and where I move and I found out she is incredibly anxious about me living further than like 5 miles away from her. Never knew that and it makes no sense to me. I told her I have the same anxieties about health issues (being old and not being able to do x..y..z) and she said I haven't thought about it as much as her. Good lord I got angry, when you have an anxiety disorder all you do is think about these things, for days.. weeks.. months. No way in hell she has thought about an anxious situation more than I have.

So I was already aggravated then had a convo with my wife in the car (where all bad conversations start it seems) talking about the house that just again went south fast. The house is a big mess. I'd rather she have it, but she can't afford it, and we can't realistically both stay either past a 1-2 year duration anyways. And if she isn't here, I may be able to afford it but I don't know if I'd want to, I'd have to start hiring all kinds of things I didn't before like cleaning service making it even more unmanageable just to stay in a place that I'm not sur I even belong in. ugh! that part is the most frustrating right now.
 
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missme

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My wife of now 18 years told me last night she wants a separation.
I instantly became anxious and still am, very little sleep last night. I was recently recovering from health anxiety, and having this one-two-punch has hurt in additional to all the issues surrounding divorce and the work involved and money involved.

I appreciate you listening and appreciate any kind thoughts, helpful reminders to combat base current anxiety and support
I'm so so sorry for your situation. Just remember, that you cannot help the way she feels, and you must not blame yourself for this situation. Try to remain positive, kind to yourself and I hope that we all can help you get through this
 
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gam9147

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This morning, the thoughts of something wrong, and upset/judgement have returned. I feel ashamed? of myself for staying up so late and getting angry at the stupid game I was playing. Once a month I end up doing this a lot before the end of the 'season' so its like a game deadline. Obviously not very important but it gives me something to work on / look forward to the rest of the time. But I clearly overdo it on the last night or two.

then the next day.. today.. I got not a lot of sleep, feeling anxious and agitated and wanting to judge myself for both taking so much time for myself as well as being upset and putting myself in a bad mood after doing it.

Trying to reassure myself that I should not judge, its OK to take time for myself, I do so very little, and its Ok to be off and feel bad for a day here and there -- another judgement I fall into too frequently.

At this this time its all me and not really my wife, some change of pace :)
 
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linus

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Playing games late in the evening and night become an anxiety source of itself. Beside the obvious agitation from playing also the light coming from the screen kills your melatonin thus the way of the body to get sleep. Before going to bed it's better if you read a book..
 
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gam9147

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Hi linus. Yes I'm aware, as well with TV. Oddly I feel much calmer watching tv and its a occupying your mind vs. not thing. Reading is a good idea, but I admit to generally being poorer at it.

It's not really that I'm having trouble sleeping its that I stayed up to play this game. I have had sleeping trouble in the past with anxiety. Again I actually do the opposite and leave the TV on because it helps me feel less lonely, even while sleeping. Something about the fact that the world is going on even when I'm sleeping makes it 'OK' to rest.. odd not sure what my internal thought mechanism is. But mostly I turn everything off and don't hve too much trouble sleeping.

Yesterday mind was just occupied with all kinds of judging thoughts on myself. Today is better a bit. More stuff to talk about in therapy I guess. I hate Tuesdays they seem to be a hard day for me since they are a 'catchup at home' day which gives me too much time to think.
 
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