Tried to help many others, but now I need some support

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gam9147

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My wife of now 18 years told me last night she wants a separation.
I instantly became anxious and still am, very little sleep last night. I was recently recovering from health anxiety, and having this one-two-punch has hurt in additional to all the issues surrounding divorce and the work involved and money involved.

I appreciate you listening and appreciate any kind thoughts, helpful reminders to combat base current anxiety and support
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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sorry gam that you are going through this. someone hopefully will post something
 
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gam9147

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Thanks Lucretia and blacksmoke. I got out with my mom today bowling and eating out, felt a little better at the time, better than I had been when I felt the worst before, but I slept so aweful last night being the first night (like 4-5 hrs max with wakups inbetween), that I was exhausted.

I can't seem to handle exhaustion and anxiety, anyone have any tips? I try to calm, or breath but then I just start to fall asleep my anxiety kicks in , particularly if I'm out of the house.

I guess the answer should be just to be at home more and nap a lot when it happens eh? I'm still struggling with this part and was before this even happened but was finally starting to sleep better just the night before this all happened.
 
blacksmoke

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Best to get into a routine a kind of lifestyle of de-stressing when you have ongoing anxiety.

Walks help and not being at everyone’s beck and call is a big help. Best not to get into sleeping in the day if you can avoid it. Best to keep a regular bedtime and a regular getting up those two alone will go a huge way to help you.
 
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gam9147

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Yeah the anxiety kicks up about messing up my sleep worse, and then I won't be able to drive somewhere because I may fall asleep.. its a perverse form of fear of agoraphobia even though I've never had that. I got more sleep last night, so I am not having the tired anxious feel, now its just back to thought stopping and trying to stay present at least until my therapy appointment tomorrow.

BTW blacksmoke I love your tag line, reminds me of the silly star trekkin' song, or is that where you got it from? that makes me happy too :)
 
blacksmoke

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yeah anxiety is messing with my sleep at the moment so i am back to nodding off on the settee and then going to bed. otherwise things go downward fairly quickly. i do my utmost to stick to regular going to bed and regular getting up in the morning.

life is never sorted, least not mine, lol. its just having to keep on keeping on, rather like having a willful toddler who you have to be determined and focused with!

yeah the tag line lol why it tis from that very song. lol the sense of irony is why i like it. glad it makes you happy!
 
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gam9147

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Too true, I hope your able to rest more soon. My sleep has returned to more normal, its something about the fear of waking up being anxious again after working 'all day' to remain calm... or something I dunno. Since generally I feel better at night than in the morning for some reason I still haven't figured out.

I've had a few talks with my wife now about logistics of things, I can see some path forward, as anxious provoking as it is with a few point that are harder than others.. like what to do with our massive house that is too big for either of us on our own to maintain... that stuff just makes me sad to think about and I am so bad with change, so when anxious I don't want to think about having to move even though its really not all that bad I guess... I like the house, so I probably will try to just stay here, just wondering if the size of it may depress me more over the long run... but thats more anxious talk.

Anyways I ramble... feeling better tonight generally but a tough morning and afternoon. Was able to cry a little.. something I'm not good at anymore I've found.

Anyone else have trouble with crying or letting out emotion?
 
blacksmoke

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Ah ha the other bit is, space the final frontier very apt at the mo as I am needing to make time (find time is never an option as other things always get in the way!!) to make some needed space as too much is going on even the counsellor yesterday was nearly crying (I have gotten past crying these days not that I do much o that kind of thing anyway)

Hey that is freaky I just typed the above out before I read what you said later on in your post.

The thing about anxiety is with me anyway if I try to ignore it which I do for the most part it just keeps building and now I am having to sit with it, the anxiety that is. And that is horrible but hey I am still here!

Regarding the house the option is always there for you to downsize, so I shouldn’t stress over it too much. The situation will most likely present itself. Meanwhile maybe idly think what kind of house and area you would like to live in.
 
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gam9147

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Yes the situation will figure itself out and there really is no hurry I suppose, when I'm feeling a bit better I can remember that :)

Sounds like you feel like your doing too much emotion? way back 17 years ago when I first had my larger bouts of anxiety I couldn't stop my emotions being out of whack but in general it feels as if I'm under-emotional. Its only been a half week since my wife hit me with the divorce discussion but I haven't really cried or felt sad much, much more anxious than sad... I guess thats how the emotion is manifesting.
 
blacksmoke

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Yeah you have most definitely hit the nail on the head regarding too much emotions right now its my pet project to reign it back in get the horses to not stray so to speak. And yes I believe that the under emotion is the opposite to the over emotion obvious really. Especially when you fluctuate.

Really sorry regarding the divorce discussion. Is there any point in marriage counselling?

Do you ever feel belligerent when the emotions are over the top? cant quite decide if this is when the anxiety and depression collide. i just know its miserable
 
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gam9147

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No point on marriage counseling. We did it for a while about 11 years ago during the first time she left. But after a while I realized the fundamental problem with counseling is that I'm willing to work on things and myself but she isn't really. So that makes it harder. She is bi-polar and I have generalized anxiety, so its always been a bit of a tug and pull for us. She can't always support me because she's depressed and many times when she just stays depressed and isn't willing to work on things, I would get agitated at her and angry that she wasn't working on it or taking steps.

I'm not known for my patience, but agitation is obviously the wrong approach to take with bipolar and depressed people. I don't get angry or agitated when I'm feeling crazy anxious and for quite a while afterwards -- it makes me a more conscious and aware person. but when I get crazy busy with work and feel time crunch mostly I would lash out because then it feels 'unfair'. For many years I worked about 100+ hours a week, and as a result now I don't have as many close friendships except with my wife and my mom. though my therapist says my mom's boundaries are all off, and she really shouldn't be used as much as a friend and she can be toxic too in many ways... so many things are off here I'm working on fixing.

So are those times me being anxious and not consciously realizing it? maybe. probably.. not sure.. at least I didn't feel completely broke, and felt more normal but connecting how the anxiety manifests to be aware of your own emotions is difficult and to me is important to feel like you know how to go forward with both yourself and relationships you may have.
 
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gam9147

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By the way the great irony in trying to overthink your situation is present in me. Obviously anyone here can read I was working 100+ hrs for years and say.. well that's not taking enough time to take care of yourself, of course your going to be agitated, anxious etc.

the irony is that I realized it was a short term situation (few years at max) where I could make crazy money in exchange for my time/sanity?/friends.. etc... not a great trade in general but one of my biggest fears from anxiety is that I wouldn't be able to work for a period of time when I'm anxious and so having extra money laying around should help my anxiety because then I shouldn't fear running out of money if I'm sick/anxious or whatever in the future.

Well sadly that didn't work... I work less now, take care of myself more but you could argue the damage is done at least in the short term and I have plenty of money but I'm still crazy anxious, it just finds a different thing to latch onto -- health, relationships etc.
 
blacksmoke

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Hey sorry that the counselling is off the menu. What is bi-polar I get confused. did it used to be called manic depression? As I understand it, if you are regularly depressed then that is called clinical depression a bit similar to a flat line on a heart monitor in a way.

Yeah I used to know someone who was at polar opposites to me and I realised I needed to not spend much if any time around them as they were in a very precarious state of mind and we would trigger each other. And that was just it exactly he said that he used to work all hours and he paid off his mortgage before he was 40. but by the time I knew him he was a wreck. Very sad indeed.

It is hard to be measured in your thinking and action when anxiety is constant don’t you find? I lost so many jobs because of it. These days I am having to set boundaries with an individual who I know. Who is very selfish shockingly so but the best I can do is to damage limitation. They will not bring me down of that I am determined.

We tend to keep ourselves very busy don’t we those of us that have anxiety and I suspect that there are a lot of undiagnosed folk with anxiety think of the workaholics.

Yep self care is indeed critical something that I am having to put into place even when that is not popular. But then if I crumple ….some folk will be up shite creak who are in my life.
 
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gam9147

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Thanks black and midnight :)

Yes bipolar is manic depressive.. she is 99% depressive and 1% manic, but they still consider that diagnosis important because manic episodes can be very dangerous if not well controlled.

I'm not sure working hard is always a bad thing.. keeps you occupied.. keeps you from dwelling on the thoughts and thats 90% of getting through anxiety. But there needs to be some balance.. I have no idea what that balance is. I have a computing background, I'd rather someone give me the right algorithm... you know 5% tv time, 5% spouse time, 10% friend time, 70% work time, 10% food time.. I dunno I'm making it up obviously. Do that and no more anxiety!!! weee! lol
 
blacksmoke

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Ah ok as I know a friend who is the other way around and at the moment she is severely depressed and its happening more frequently and for longer bouts.

Me I do a lot of walking, well I would do more only my feet aren’t brill. Ah yes that balance in life bit like a healthy plate of food lol! Also I find its best to limit myself around toxic and manipulative folk where I have a choice that is, however that is not always possible. But these days the counsellor is helping to keep me sane... As I do burn bridges with folk.
 
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gam9147

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I'm definitely trying to keep up the exercise. Tonight I felt anxious and was thinking too much so went out on the bike since it was a nice day. Then I had a visit with my mom but still felt bad after, in fact worse... but I finally cried a bit.. for 30 seconds or so at least twice. Second time since this happened. then the anxiety subsided some... I really don't think I cry enough! going to try to get those emotions out in the future...
 
blacksmoke

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yes i think the more we think the more our emotions get stirred. and anxiety is i think a lot to do with thinking over thinking.

it is good to cry did a season of crying driving back from my mums for many months.
 
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gam9147

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tonight feeling more stable but tired... but wondering how I can find time for everything I'd need to do in my life going forward --- work, chores, clean up this house, taxes, finance and all the things associated with divorce plus then keeping up stuff for me --- some meditation, tv time, and still not neglect social activity to try to make some new friends...

sounds completely overwhelming at the moment which is why I don't have as many friends... too busy, and I hate that about myself, I want to have more time to not neglect my own mental health and social health.
 
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