Tried an Open Relationship - Now it's Destroying Me.

J

JessieCloud

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May 1, 2019
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#1
I have an interesting one...
A couple years ago after many discussions I decided to allow my boyfriend to have sex with another women. The rules were it couldn't be anyone either of us knew and it could only be sex, nothing emotional, no relationships, etc. just sex. I feel men are more than capable of having sex without being emotionally tied to the person so this is what I expected for him. Well he ended up starting a relationship with a women and even after I found out I tried to keep an open mind but we came up with more rules, no going out for dinner, no "dates", only casual friendship stuff at the very most, no taking our dogs to see her (they're my children), nothing romantic. Well he broke every one of those rules. Finally he broke it off with her after seeing how much it hurt me (took him a few times hurting me to finally do it though, I know, asshole!).

Anyway, a year later, I find out she had contacted him again (she's never known about me) and he's been seeing her every week for I don't know how long. They're apparently very good friends now and he cares about her and her kid but insists it's just friendship and I do believe him. He's also had problems with his temper in the past and since spending time with her and her kid again he's managed to work on his temper dramatically. So now I feel like he couldn't fix his anger problems for me but he did it with her help? I hate her with a passion, I would be relieved if I found out she had died because then he wouldn't be able to see her any more. He insists he'll break things off with he if I want him too (I had begged him to cut her out of his life over a year ago and while he now says he did, he told me at the time that he wouldn't cut someone out of his life for me). After talking about it in great depth with him I can see how much he cares about her and her son and I feel that they've filled a spot in his life that I can't so I've allowed him to keep her in his life but it's killing me.

My depression and anxiety have both gotten worse because of this and I find myself feeling numb at times. I don't have anyone to talk to about it except him which I just don't want to anymore. I feel empty and disconnected with him and I've realised I've been trying to get attention from outside our relationship as I feel something is missing, like I have an empty part of me and it's starting to eat away at me. Even if he stops seeing her, I will always know she gave him something I couldn't and he may secretly resent me for it. Leaving him isn't an option at this point because I do love him with all my heart, and thought I'd marry him someday but this is killing me. I've talked about it with him so much already and I'm trying to adjust my way of thinking about it but it's so difficult. I'm hoping someone can suggest some ways I can try to cope with this. Any suggestions right now would be helpful.
 
Victorianna

Victorianna

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Feb 8, 2019
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#2
Well, my advice is to leave him. He sounds very selfish and unreliable, and not particularly interested in what’s best for you.
But if you say that’s not an option, then counseling (either together, or if he won’t go - just you) is my next recommendation.
 
D

Dan3485

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Apr 22, 2019
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London UK
#3
You don't need ways to "cope", you shouldn't have to. Based on what you've posted I can't see much future for you both. The situation is getting you down and you have full control and the power to change it, so change it. I know it's more easily said then done but when has anything worth while been easy.
 
Flameheart

Flameheart

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#5
you may love him, but he doesn't seem invested enough to love you back, this open relationship stuff should have ended the first time he broke the boundaries you had put in place, he didn't respect that, in which means he didn't respect you

ive never heard of any open relationship working out anyway, its like saying to your partner that its okay for them to not be 100% committed to you and now that behaviour has still carried on even though the open relationship itself has stopped
 
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pcoventry

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Apr 20, 2019
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Newport S.Wales
#6
I had all this with my now ex partner - it totally ruined us - but she wanted more and more and when it did finally stop - she started going behind my back - so I kicked her out of my life and my home - my god it's hard - but we have to keep going - I'm watching as 90% of my family have died recently - Whilst I am starting to think fuck it - Just give up and join them, A small part of me gets angry at her for making me feel this way. I am going to end up a very lonely old man BUT - god dam it I am going to do it MY way and doing what I want to do!

At least I hope I am going to end up that way.. Hope is a good emotion.. somedays
 
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pcoventry

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#7
ive never heard of any open relationship working out anyway, its like saying to your partner that its okay for them to not be 100% committed to you and now that behaviour has still carried on even though the open relationship itself has stopped
I know a couple who were into swinging and they got married after several years of doing it - He even did a raffle for Cancer research UK and the winner got to shag his wife the night of the wedding, some people ARE weird, but he did raise a fair amount!
 
Flameheart

Flameheart

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#8
I know a couple who were into swinging and they got married after several years of doing it - He even did a raffle for Cancer research UK and the winner got to shag his wife the night of the wedding, some people ARE weird, but he did raise a fair amount!
that just made me laugh, but good for them :LOL:
 
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