treadmill *TRIGGER***

deadchick07

deadchick07

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I feel like im on a friggin treadmill, day after day doing the same thing over and over nothing changing no one listening only thing that changers are the kids getting older i feel like a fucking ornament like i dont count no one in my house gives a shit how hard i had to work to get the money to pay for everything and they just assume i can get more money to pay for something else i say no more toys til xmas and their dad brings in carrier bagsd of second hand shite day after day the fucking house is a shit hole fucking facebook is doing my head in and how being disabled and working seems to make me an effing tory but it doesnt i just work because i can that doesnt mean others should be forced into it but i do believe if you want to you should be supported to do so yet im not allowed my fucking opinion there either why the fuck do i exist im dfuvking pointless dont count dont matter fucking irrelevant had enough i really have but no i need to do stuff FOR OTHER FUCKING OPEOPLE all the fucking time my fucking timetable is set out for months to come of doing stuff forother fucking people who who actually stops everything they are doing for me eh? NO fucker tell you
 
mrlaurel

mrlaurel

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hiya top rant....

feel beter for it?

lets me honest here, no kids give a shit, mines 24 and not much better.

sorry its feels so bad, maybe you cna take some small steps out and try and do something for yourself, do you have a partner who can help out or family?

must be hard working and being ill, I know I cound't do it I'd kill someone if I had to work with them 8 hrs a day.

just try and calm yourself if you can, being angry will just make you worse and thats no good for you...

find that calm space if you can for five minutes, focus/relax.

sorry not much use.
 
Reach

Reach

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Speaking as somebody pretty much out of work, and with the same mental health problems, i know how hard it is to have to do anything other than what i need to do for me. It is massively hard to get to work, massively hard to even do a yoga class where for an hour you are told do this do that, minor pressures, i can imagine how hard it must be for you to keep going, keep doing things you have to do for others, and keep going to work day in day out. You are doing really well to manage all of that.
 
deadchick07

deadchick07

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ive been off sick for the last fortnight, got 2 more weeks to go, but im too ill to go out and do anything with the time, so im staring at the same walls day in day out except when i have to go look after my elderly parents. feels like its all closing in on me
 
Reach

Reach

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It's very hard to be off work and without the distraction. Hard to go to work, hard to be off!
 
deadchick07

deadchick07

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just want oblivion
 
R

Rose19602

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Parenting young children is relentless and gratitude is thin on the ground. Children are ego-centric.....and that's how it needs to be really.....not easy though when you want to be considered too.

When they get older, they oppose your opinions, the way you brought them up and question why you did it that way. It feels like a kick in the teeth, believe me, especially when you bled with effort along the way (metaphorically.)

I think that most working parents feel pulled apart with responsibility and demands. Being unwell adds another ..... much tougher .... layer of difficult feelings to deal with.

Perhaps venting on here is the best way to deal with it. Laying the responsibility for making you feel bad on the kids isn't wise....although respect and caring about your feelings are decent values to instill. Perhaps your partner could help with that?

Mine are older now....they loved me, rejected me, criticised me, hated me, felt guilty, then re-discovered me as useful and perhaps not so bad afterall, more recently. It's a roller coaster. Hard to ignore the feelings of injustice it brings up at times.
 
deadchick07

deadchick07

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I dont blame my kids, its just I see them almost as a measuring tool, watching my life disappearing as they grow so rapidly, Im not having the kind of life I wanted so cant give them what I wanted to give them so Im letting them down on a daily basis, my eldest a;ways ;aughs when I give them praise or tell them I love them, he says I do it every day and i dont need to, they know. Just feel innadequate. Then there is looking after my parents. then trying to get better enugh to go back to work, my whole life is dictated by entries in my diary telling me what to do next and its endless, there is no time to just sit, to just do the stuff i used to do, read a book listen to and watch the birds, do the shopping even. I am aging so rapidly I feel like some sort of victorian novel, its spiralling out of control.

I just want to be so out of my head on something, anything, that I get to use time as it should be, like it used to be, but I no longer know any dealers and alcohol doesnt agree with me, i have my opiate pain relief but im immune to that now I just want to float to be stoned or something that lets me breathe again
 
R

Rose19602

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Ah....guilt and feeling like you're letting everyone down! I know that one well enough. It's not easy. I used to ask my children if I was a bad mother....and they used to treat me in the same way as yours....laugh, sarcasm, wonder why I was asking! But it gets to you doesn't it? You never feel like you're doing enough because you're worn out and feel like you should be doing better....or could be doing better if it wasn't for the things stacked against you.

I know I sound like a therapist, but what's that phrase about "good enough" rather than "the best" or "ideal"..... somehow you have to compromise and accept your limits.
No advice there....I never could.....but maybe you can?

As for the relatives, been there too. Not with dementia but terminal illness, care homes, caring at home, rushing up there at a moment's notice, sitting by hospital beds, worrying about money and the future and what's going on whilst I'm not there. It's like having a second set of children to care for who are "home alone."

I think that it is the hardest time in life, when your parents need help and you still have children to care for.....let alone having a physical and mental difficulty yourself. There's only so much anyone can do.

There are no answers really. ... not that I found. During times like these you just have to somehow get your head down and get through it as best you can, and try not to give in to despair. An outlet is a necessity. Find one before you go under!

Marie Curie were our saviours at times of crisis. With regard to dementia I have no experience. Are there any local support organisations or respite care? If there are, I would put them on speed dial!
 
deadchick07

deadchick07

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not so much dementia, my dad has heart problems and is going in for his 5th op, and has only been given a 50% survival odds on april 9th. My mum has had (all my ) life long addiction and mental health issues.
 
R

Rose19602

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That's a lot to manage!

50% isn't too dreadful. What kind of heart op is it?

Your mum is coping with the same issues as you. You could support each other perhaps. If she has none of your physical health issues perhaps you need more support than her?
 
deadchick07

deadchick07

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I have never shared my MH issues with them. Even when Ive been in hospital Ive lied and had a complex method of ringing them saying Im out and about in town so thats what the noise is (I left home 22 years ago). They know nothing of my ME. I didnt want to worry them.

Dad's having a heart abblation I think its called, where they cut away dead tissue with a laser. It can cause strokes. He's had one before but this is bigger. Hes also had a triple bypass and an ICD fitted twice.
 
R

Rose19602

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I don't know anything about this procedure, but I know a bit about arrhythmias and ICDs. Heart bypass surgery doesn't really happen anymore does it. They do it all in the same way as this ablation surgery - through the groin. I had an angiogram using a similar technique and a pacemaker inserted later even though my heart was beating at around 35-45 bpm for over a year in between.

I read that a pacemaker may be necessary as part of this operation if the ablation causes the heart to pace too slowly when they deal with the AV node. They can sort most emergencies out on the operating table these days. My pacing op was done with my heart beating very, very slowly (under 10bpm) and although I felt like shit afterwards, they discharged me after 1 night.

When I burst into tears before the op, the nurse laughed when I told her I was "only" in for a pacemaker.....she thought this insignificant! He will be OK. There's loads they can do for atrial fibrillation these days and a lot of these operations are pretty routine. I had mine under local anaesthesia....although I was terrified admittedly.

Your dad sounds as if he's been struggling for a while.....obviously more complicated than I know! Atrial fibrillation is treated best with this procedure from what I've just read. The success rate is good. It might reduce the need for the arrhythmia drugs too....they're not pleasant. They will give him drugs to ensure that there are no clots during the op....so don't worry about stroke. I suspect the issue is more about finding the right tissues to remove and managing the effects of that.

Pacemakers are getting very sophisticated now....much better than ICDs and the survival rates are very high. If things get tricky, it sounds like pacing will be the next option.....so try not to get too worried. There's a link to the BHF helpline in the link I've provided. Give them a ring....they're very helpful.
British Heart Foundation - Ablation

I don't know how you hide a wheelchair and ME. What's the point? Wouldn't they rather know considering how much you have struggled to support them and be there for them?

My husband never told his parents anything either....but they always knew!
 
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deadchick07

deadchick07

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Im very happy with his ICD, it saved his life xmas morning!!! Hes amazing for 82. He has an amazing surgeon too, its just the odds he gave him, they are freaking me out.

When it comes to me and ME, I use a biddy buggy sometimes (electric scooter) but mostly try to do without, and grin and bear it when I visit them. Have to make up for it by having 2 days in bed, which brings me back to the original rant. I need to do something to break this cycle. Nobody in work seems to give a fuck about my ME, they think its just me swinging the lead. The bosses did a risk assessment that said about reducing my caseload and allowing me rest breaks.... then promptly increased my caseloads and scrapped none compulsory breaks for everyone!!! Feels like, because they need to make redundancies, they are pushing the disabled staff out. Im off sick, another girl with MS is off long term, another one has delayed a knee replacement out of fear of losing her job and another is being bullied because she needs to take meds at a specific time and bosses keep changing her lunch break, so she cant take them which is making her ill again. I cant cope with the thought of not working, this country treats people on benefits like the scum of the earth and its outrageous. its a sick world.
 
julietoolie

julietoolie

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Not sure of the thread your parents you chose to have them they must have suffered with your problems not really their fault have grown up like they have x if have personality disorder and cyclithymia you know your own nuturing affected you x
 
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