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Trauma & the Two Worlds

cpuusage

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https://www.psychopathfree.com/content.php?152-Trauma-the-Two-Worlds

Those who have encountered a psychopath, sociopath, or narcissist often feel as if they have been touched by pure evil—haunted by a constant anxiety, self-doubt, and lingering darkness that can't quite be explained. It feels as if your life force has been drained away, and you become numb to the things that once made you happy. People without conscience have this effect on empathetic beings—the reaction between soul and soulless is life altering. Ultimately, it becomes one of the most important experiences you could imagine. You begin to see the world as it truly is, and yourself as you truly are. Your energy slowly returns, because your spirit generates this power from within—it cannot be broken.

One of the most bizarre parts of recovery is feeling as if there are “two you’s”. The cheerful, trusting soul from before the abuse. And the abrasive, paranoid mess that you fear you’ve now become. But I think there’s something else entirely going on here.

Instead of two you’s, let’s say there are two worlds. The material world that you see and hear every day. And then another one that you can feel only in your heart—a special connection with the universe and all beings. As kids, I think we’re born with a natural link to both. But as we socialize and grow up, we develop a stronger preference for the first. Slowly, our connection with the quiet world weakens.

To make up for this, we begin to develop a powerful guard—something to keep us safe and confident in the world we’ve chosen. This guard takes care of our deepest insecurities, vanities, and failures. We learn to judge outwardly, instead of perceiving inwardly. Things are comfortable. From day one, we are developing this guard, teaching us how to be “strong”. Strong, of course, being completely defined by the material world.

And then, throughout the course of life, adversity wears away at our guard like sandpaper—hardship, loss, and heartbreak. Slowly, we rebuild this connection with the other world, gaining wisdom and a gentle compassion for the people around us. We look back at our younger selves in embarrassment, wondering how we could have been so obnoxious. At least, that’s how I imagine it goes.

But trauma is different.

Instead of sandpaper, the guard is shattered in a single moment. Whatever the damage, your guard is not nearly enough to save you from something so painful. So it collapses, and it can never be rebuilt.

During this brutal disconnect, you lash out and bring harm to others. You over focus on their behavior, unable to recognize your own—after all, this is what you’ve become accustomed to. You’re dependent and needy, desperately latching on to anyone who will hear your story. You become numb to the things that once made you happy, fondly recalling an “old self” who seemed so much more cheerful.

You are indeed a mess. But in which world?

As you heal from your wounds, you begin to find peace in places you haven’t explored since childhood. Imagination. Spirituality. Love. And I mean real love—not the narcissistic, hyper-validating garbage that we crave here. You start to fill your void with empathy and compassion, qualities that have been with you since the very beginning.

Mindless socialization doesn’t do it for you anymore. You seek out deep, philosophical conversations with like-minded individuals. You often find that you don’t fit into various social settings that you used to enjoy. You become frustrated when people don’t understand why topics like psychopathy and empathy are so important. You forget that most people still live comfortably with their worldly guard—as you once did—and therefore remain unaffected by these issues.

You struggle between these two worlds, blaming it on the “two you’s”. You find that no matter how hard you try, you can never go back to that old self. The person who seemed so much happier and more innocent. But you also start to notice that your interactions with others are becoming much healthier. You’ve developed boundaries, self-respect, and self-worth. You do not need your worldly guard to be yourself, and that is a strange realization indeed.

And with time, you find that you don’t need a guard to be happy at all. For once, self-respect actually comes from—well—the self. You see how much this universe has to offer to those who listen. And you exhaust less patience on the bothersome things in between.

As you become more comfortable with yourself, you see that your trauma did not destroy you. It ripped apart your guard and opened a connection with some other world—with all of humanity. You have not lost your childlike wonder. It has been with you all along, and now you are wise enough to live peacefully among both worlds. With joy and wisdom.

You can feel the pain of others, and therefore offer much deeper and more meaningful relationships. You understand that what you have is special, and cannot be simply shared with anyone. You find peace from listening to the quiet corners of the world. You do not mind time alone, for that is simply time in another world.

The most important thing to remember for all trauma survivors: there is nothing wrong with you. You are beautiful. You were thrown into an impossible situation, and you survived. Your innocence was taken away without your permission. You were violated. But in this violation, you regained something that takes most people a lifetime to find.

Your path may be painful, but it is also special. The universe has different plans for you. Remember, there are others who have permanently destroyed any path to the spiritual world. Psychopaths have no place there, and it is why they hate empathetic beings. You are a nagging reminder of something they will never find. They will die here in the material world, with no deeper connection to this great universe.

Sometimes, I believe the spirit world leaks into this one. You can feel it. An overwhelming sadness, when it is not your sadness. Joy for a friend, when it is not your joy. A strange “coincidence” when two people are thinking of one another. Even through this book, I believe we are all connected.

So now imagine these two worlds merging. A place where feelings and compassion are visible to the human eye. Where our spirits soar together like birds, singing songs with bright colors and glowing lights. We can see one another’s pain—thorny vines wrapped around a troubled soul. The flickering lights in a victim’s spirit.

This would be an incredible world for us, but not for the psychopaths. Because if the worlds merged, they would cease to exist.

So let us work together to bring these two worlds closer. To dismiss darkness, and to teach all empathetic human beings that they are beautiful. Never be ashamed of your abuse or your past. You are here now for a reason—and this is only the beginning.
 
P

Polar Bear

Guest
Beautiful.
I have not experienced trauma but I have a mental illness and all the horrible experiences that come with that.
My time in the worst episodes were a bit more than sandpaper for sure.
Is it a coincidence that both illness and change occured simultaneously?
Illness actually came first but going through it resulted in changes in me.

Good post. Thanks.

Kelly x
 
M

Mastiff mom

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DearCpuusage, I have experienced a lot of trauma from a very young age and relate very much to your post.i am a work in process but I have gained much by being honest with myself and seeking the spiritual that is a part of all things. Thank you for such a thoughtful post hugs to you.
 
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