Trapped in this life......

S

so sad

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 24, 2016
Messages
96
#1
This is a long post so apologies….



I have too much going on in my head.

I’ve been doing DBT for 9 months and have just 3 months left. I’m freaking out, massively. I’ve learnt a lot and use the skills most of the time but depending on what is going on, they don’t always work. I know DBT is something I’ll need to do forever and once the course finishes I’ll still have those skills to hand but the thought of not seeing my therapist is terrifying.

It feels like I’m only just at the point of truly opening up (some weeks more than others) and getting to issue of my non-existent self-esteem. There is no way that this will be sorted in the next 3 months and after that I’ll be left with no professional support. Plus, there is the issue that I’m kind of attached to her. I know that’s normal but that won’t make not seeing her and having her support any easier to cope with. I have no real support at home, my partner is very hit and miss where support is concerned. She wants me to open up to her more but in the past, when I have done all I get back is comments like ‘well, we all feel like that at times’ and ‘I get depressed at times as well and I don’t do x,y and z’ – very frustrating. I’ve tried to explain to her how someone with BPD thinks but either she doesn’t get it or doesn’t want to.



My other concern right now is my weight. I’m 46 and my weight has gone up and sometimes down all of my life. I’m currently a stone over what I feel I should be. I was on holiday in March and before I went I dropped to what I think my correct weight is. After the holiday (a cruise) I put on almost a stone and now I can’t get back on the diet. I feel huge and such a failure. I think people are commenting behind my back saying how I’ve no will power and that I’m weak. I think I know they’re not and that those words are what I’m saying to myself but I just feel so disgusting. I want to starve myself or make myself sick after I eat, anything to get some control back. It’s all about the control.


Maybe that’s it – I don’t feel in control of any aspect of my life.

I just hate what I am and can’t see a way of moving forward.

x
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
882
#2
You’re not in a good headspace right now to worry about a diet. Go easier on yourself, please. Your partner has loved you at any weight you’ve been, even if they aren’t so great at understanding bpd.

You must be handling your bpd well, because most partners are at wits end trying to adjust to the changing weather of emotions. Recognize that accomplishment, because it truly is.

As for your therapy, start making some plans now so you have somewhere to land in three months. Talk to your dbt therapist. Ask her to recommend someone for ongoing therapy if she is unable to see you one on one. Ask her if she can. You never know till you ask.

Most of all be proud of how far you have come. That’s worth celebrating.
 
S

so sad

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 24, 2016
Messages
96
#3
Thank you - wise words. You're dead right - I need to plan ahead for when it all finishes. Part of me thinks I'll need a break from therapy but I know that won't happen because I know I'll need some sort of support. I do have a care coordinator but she is off long term sick and I doubt she'll be back. I could do to ask for a new one but the thought of starting again with someone fills me with dread.
My partner doesn't care about my weight and I know I shouldn't but its a form of control I think. I feel I have little control over anything else so food is something I can limit etc. Not healthy I know and something I know I need to talk to my therapist about next week.
Thanks again for replying