K
Koot
New member
- Joined
- May 18, 2009
- Messages
- 2
Hello, random google result forum people.
I'm 18, male and fed up with being myself. I don't know if this is ocd or something else; it certainly is a problem:
I only think in a pattern where I imagine talking to somebody else, instead of having a constant monologue I'm stuck in a dialogue with no reply (it is very difficult to describe, sorry).
This isn't just some form for my head to function in, it is, I think, a compulsive manner of protecting myself. That is to say, I often get pleasure from my thoughts, pleasure that is supposedly derived from interaction. An example would be a child who completes a task and imagines jolly words from the genitors becoming jolly itself. But for me it is constant: not only do I conjure up images of glory with adoring faces, but also situations where I've been embarrassed/uncomfortable/etc making them anew, recreating my whole life with myself a perfect being (perfect in that I find pleasure in the vain picture), even playing a conversation to accompany the most mundane of tasks: imagining replies to this thread, explanations of what kind of tea I like when I am making a cup, sharing a smiling moment with someone when they notice the tears in my socks--all things that aren't real.
Although there's a degree of choice involved with those thoughts they have become overwhelming--perhaps they always were. I do indulge in those pleasure-fantasies at times (they are rarely sexual in nature), usually when I'm anxious or fearful, emotions which are disappearing as I exit puberty, and really the only two emotions I have (or one: anxiety).
I don't know if they've always been so vexatious (I'm sure that to an extent they are normal), if they haven't, I suppose I've internalized them. If they haven't, I've internalized them from ages 13-17, as that was the difficult angsty-teeny period. And did so to deal with loneliness and aggressive tendencies--better to imagine social interaction than to have it be real, better to imagine acts of violence than to act on the urge, right?
I guess I've been trying to clear my mind for as long as I've had it filled with this filth, resembling an addict: 'from now on I'll quit'. By this point my own voice follows me constantly, it echoes in the background, scenarios pop up sometimes so that I don't even notice them. This is literally driving me crazy, I feel physically tired, I wake up knowing that the day will bring little change. And I do need to change it (I think), at least I want to. But I don't know how, so I hope somebody can help.
PS
My general characteristics: extremely introverted, besides my family nobody I talk to (and I only interact with them because it is quite unavoidable), constant feeling of depersonalization and dissociation (not really unwanted), fond of patterns and systems (somewhat compulsive habit of tapping/moving rhythmically, not really a problem), lack of emotions (I do have, and always have had an extreme need to help people, I feel tormenting guilt when I even hurt somebody a little, this is a problem and I've somewhat learned to ignore it, even act contrary to it), despisement of intimacy, general dislike of being touched, almost pathological need act up/rebel, longing for some contact with people (which is contrasting and unwanted).
I don't know if my thought habits are the cause, auxiliary or only an effect of a problem but I'm thinking about suicide (or murder, to try something new) just to make the voices stop
PPS
Sorry for the wall of text and the possibly incoherent wording--not used to expressing myself and English is my second language.
PPPS
I was logged out when I wanted to post this, almost screamed, but everything was ok, the post was saved. Oh the excitement.
I'm 18, male and fed up with being myself. I don't know if this is ocd or something else; it certainly is a problem:
I only think in a pattern where I imagine talking to somebody else, instead of having a constant monologue I'm stuck in a dialogue with no reply (it is very difficult to describe, sorry).
This isn't just some form for my head to function in, it is, I think, a compulsive manner of protecting myself. That is to say, I often get pleasure from my thoughts, pleasure that is supposedly derived from interaction. An example would be a child who completes a task and imagines jolly words from the genitors becoming jolly itself. But for me it is constant: not only do I conjure up images of glory with adoring faces, but also situations where I've been embarrassed/uncomfortable/etc making them anew, recreating my whole life with myself a perfect being (perfect in that I find pleasure in the vain picture), even playing a conversation to accompany the most mundane of tasks: imagining replies to this thread, explanations of what kind of tea I like when I am making a cup, sharing a smiling moment with someone when they notice the tears in my socks--all things that aren't real.
Although there's a degree of choice involved with those thoughts they have become overwhelming--perhaps they always were. I do indulge in those pleasure-fantasies at times (they are rarely sexual in nature), usually when I'm anxious or fearful, emotions which are disappearing as I exit puberty, and really the only two emotions I have (or one: anxiety).
I don't know if they've always been so vexatious (I'm sure that to an extent they are normal), if they haven't, I suppose I've internalized them. If they haven't, I've internalized them from ages 13-17, as that was the difficult angsty-teeny period. And did so to deal with loneliness and aggressive tendencies--better to imagine social interaction than to have it be real, better to imagine acts of violence than to act on the urge, right?
I guess I've been trying to clear my mind for as long as I've had it filled with this filth, resembling an addict: 'from now on I'll quit'. By this point my own voice follows me constantly, it echoes in the background, scenarios pop up sometimes so that I don't even notice them. This is literally driving me crazy, I feel physically tired, I wake up knowing that the day will bring little change. And I do need to change it (I think), at least I want to. But I don't know how, so I hope somebody can help.
PS
My general characteristics: extremely introverted, besides my family nobody I talk to (and I only interact with them because it is quite unavoidable), constant feeling of depersonalization and dissociation (not really unwanted), fond of patterns and systems (somewhat compulsive habit of tapping/moving rhythmically, not really a problem), lack of emotions (I do have, and always have had an extreme need to help people, I feel tormenting guilt when I even hurt somebody a little, this is a problem and I've somewhat learned to ignore it, even act contrary to it), despisement of intimacy, general dislike of being touched, almost pathological need act up/rebel, longing for some contact with people (which is contrasting and unwanted).
I don't know if my thought habits are the cause, auxiliary or only an effect of a problem but I'm thinking about suicide (or murder, to try something new) just to make the voices stop
PPS
Sorry for the wall of text and the possibly incoherent wording--not used to expressing myself and English is my second language.
PPPS
I was logged out when I wanted to post this, almost screamed, but everything was ok, the post was saved. Oh the excitement.
Last edited:
