Trapped in my head

[Koot]

Hello, random google result forum people.

I'm 18, male and fed up with being myself. I don't know if this is ocd or something else; it certainly is a problem:

I only think in a pattern where I imagine talking to somebody else, instead of having a constant monologue I'm stuck in a dialogue with no reply (it is very difficult to describe, sorry).
This isn't just some form for my head to function in, it is, I think, a compulsive manner of protecting myself. That is to say, I often get pleasure from my thoughts, pleasure that is supposedly derived from interaction. An example would be a child who completes a task and imagines jolly words from the genitors becoming jolly itself. But for me it is constant: not only do I conjure up images of glory with adoring faces, but also situations where I've been embarrassed/uncomfortable/etc making them anew, recreating my whole life with myself a perfect being (perfect in that I find pleasure in the vain picture), even playing a conversation to accompany the most mundane of tasks: imagining replies to this thread, explanations of what kind of tea I like when I am making a cup, sharing a smiling moment with someone when they notice the tears in my socks--all things that aren't real.

Although there's a degree of choice involved with those thoughts they have become overwhelming--perhaps they always were. I do indulge in those pleasure-fantasies at times (they are rarely sexual in nature), usually when I'm anxious or fearful, emotions which are disappearing as I exit puberty, and really the only two emotions I have (or one: anxiety).

I don't know if they've always been so vexatious (I'm sure that to an extent they are normal), if they haven't, I suppose I've internalized them. If they haven't, I've internalized them from ages 13-17, as that was the difficult angsty-teeny period. And did so to deal with loneliness and aggressive tendencies--better to imagine social interaction than to have it be real, better to imagine acts of violence than to act on the urge, right?

I guess I've been trying to clear my mind for as long as I've had it filled with this filth, resembling an addict: 'from now on I'll quit'. By this point my own voice follows me constantly, it echoes in the background, scenarios pop up sometimes so that I don't even notice them. This is literally driving me crazy, I feel physically tired, I wake up knowing that the day will bring little change. And I do need to change it (I think), at least I want to. But I don't know how, so I hope somebody can help.

PS
My general characteristics: extremely introverted, besides my family nobody I talk to (and I only interact with them because it is quite unavoidable), constant feeling of depersonalization and dissociation (not really unwanted), fond of patterns and systems (somewhat compulsive habit of tapping/moving rhythmically, not really a problem), lack of emotions (I do have, and always have had an extreme need to help people, I feel tormenting guilt when I even hurt somebody a little, this is a problem and I've somewhat learned to ignore it, even act contrary to it), despisement of intimacy, general dislike of being touched, almost pathological need act up/rebel, longing for some contact with people (which is contrasting and unwanted).

I don't know if my thought habits are the cause, auxiliary or only an effect of a problem but I'm thinking about suicide (or murder, to try something new) just to make the voices stop

PPS
Sorry for the wall of text and the possibly incoherent wording--not used to expressing myself and English is my second language.

PPPS
I was logged out when I wanted to post this, almost screamed, but everything was ok, the post was saved. Oh the excitement.

 

[Koot]

Double post, but yeah. Additional thoughts:

What I would most want to know is who I'd be classified--from what kind of literature should I seek answers. I am not going to see a professional nor open up to someone, and even if my solitude is the cause of this bundle in my head, I suppose I am going to have to find another way.

Seeing that I am torn between solitude and interaction, I want to make the choice for the former, not becoming an anchorite but achieving emotional detachment and braking habits, starting with the one I have described.

So if you 'get' whatever assistance I am requesting for, please give me advice, I am not intelligent enough to make it on my own (I think, I might be wrong--the dumb part).

 

[KP1]

Hi there welcome to the forum
I'm not sure I get what you are asking,what you could do though is ask your doctor's advice.
Kp

 

[keepsafe]

Koot,

From your post you do not strike me as being unintelligent at all - Welcome anyway - I think we all play scenarios in our heads - if you think it is more serious than that perhaps you should print your post and take it to your g.p for advice - I am sure you will find a listening ear - as you will from many people here.
Hello
KS

P.S - I hope you do decide to interact with someone

 

[jamesdean]

Koot
I think in all honesty it proberly be best to get some professional help I dont really thin k is fair for you to have to deal with all this by yourself.
Though like me you are very articulate in describing things I dont think your insight is always going to be enough, though that said they dont really listen to a thing that I try to tell them at the cmht, (it just seems to me they can only deal with the things that I say that are normal) but thats a whole another story.
Please take the advice thT YOU ARE GIVEN ON THIS FORUM BECAUSE IN MOST MOST OF US GET PROFESSIONAL HELP AND SUPPORT, (sorry didnt to hit on the caps button).

Sorry its a bit of a night mare reply in itself, keep posting.JD

 

[Enpi]

Hi Koot and
First of all I want to tell you that I UNDERSTAND! When I was reading your first post it felt like I'm reading my own thoughts! I was like that too. Anything I was afraid of doing in reality, I did it in my imagination! I never talked to anyone about myself and my emotions. I didn't even like to talk to my doctor. I felt exactly as if I was a prisoner of my own mind. But then I met someone I could trust. It was very strange for me. A new experience! But she was there for me whenever I needed her. I told her about anything that bothered me and the stranger thing was that she always had an answer to all of my problems! I still can't talk to anyone else but I know that if it wasn't for the person I mentioned I would have cracked up by now! I was thinking of suicide when I came across her and she made me realise that living needs much more courage than just taking the easy way out. Believe me Koot, you need at least one person you can be comfortable with! Stop being so introverted and DON'T GIVE UP!