Trapped in a cycle of depression!!

[Gary76]

Firstly not sure if this is the correct place to post but I will go ahead anyway.

I joined tis forum this morning looking for help and answers to my life!!

I am 32 yearold male,successful in work, not in love, people say I am good looking and why am I single but this just makes me angry as they dont know me and what goes on inside my head.

My perosnality is I used to be very outgoing, optimistic and looked forward to whatever life threw at me.

Now I feel like I want to die the sooner the better to escape tis pain., I hate myself so much, I feel stupid frustrated and hell bent and making my own life more miserable. I dont understand hy this is the case I have supportive parents who love me. I have a great job, travel the world see all sorts of interesting things. My boss even opened an office in Manchester especially for me as I was in meltdown living in London.

I went to see the doctor about 2 months ago and he prescribed me Veneflaxin 75 mg which seemed to work in the beginning I started going out socially again, joined the gym and started getting fit but now I seem to slowly be slipping into self destruct mode and I cant seem to stop myself, I have totally lost my gusto and am In real dispar.

The doctor said he would refer me to a counseller so I could tackle my demons however when the letter came through it said that I was on a waiting list and the waiting period was about 26 weeks unless urgent. I never replied to the letter however I wish I had then I would be in the system.

I really dont want to be taking any medication but feel I have this life sentence now as I have lost total control of my life and feel like a puppet being controlled by ther forces. I hate it. I hate these sinking feeling inside that never go away, I hat questioning everything and I hate the fact I hate myself so much and more than anything I hate the fact that I cant find a solution to this nightmare.

If this is not the right place to write this then I apologise and will remove it if someone says but I need advice and help before I do something stupid. I am not looking for any miracle cures I just want to be content with myself and try to live the normal life that everyone thinks I live.

Thanks for listening

 

[jamesdean]

hi gary76

the reason y i'm replying 2 your thread is because of 1 thing that i can relate 2, n i posted on the forum the other day that i had seen some photos last weekend of myself in 1983 n when i looked @ them my 1st thoughts were i should of been a model.
i hated myself for many years, i couldnt look in the mirror, i hated my whole body if i caught a glimpse of myself smiling i would feel physically sick, i couldnt really love anyone because i couldnt love myself, i really had a difficult time of it, n i think its quite a seperate issue 2 the depression, i did c a few years ago something about this condition on tv n there is a name perhaps some one else might know whot that is n post, but it is serious n i think u do need some help 2 deal with it and then u can find out how 2 deal with the other symptons, best wishes jd

 

[Gary76]

Thanks James,

I don't really know were to start.I have been to the GP and as mentioned I will go on this waiting list which is 26 weeks.

 

[Libra1]

Hi Gary and to MHF

Your thread sounds so familar to me, do you think you should go back to your Gp and ask to be refered again?

Keep posting you will find a lot of good advice on this forum and lots of friendly supportive friends

 

[Aahbut]

Hi Gary, take any help you can get from your doctor. You will begin to feel better in time, right now try not to worry too much about things, they just start your mind off on a vicious circle. Sleep is useful if you can, if not get your doctor to give you something to help. You can deal with depression better if you are not completely exhausted. It does get better, but sometimes very slowly. Hang in there.

 

[Gary76]

Thanks for the advice it is really appreciated.

I am at work currently and in a real tetchy mode with everyone it is really selfish. People no my problems and try bu can never understand the way I feel. The worst thing people do is try to act like a parent (im 32 for crying out loud). It makes it so much worse.

 

[honeyquince]

Hi Gary,

Thank you and well done for posting!

So much of what you said in the post is familiar to me - the sense of utter uselessness, the sinking feelings, the self hate etc etc. I get all of these and have reached the point where it seems a toss up whether I stay around or whether I make a quick exit so to speak.

The thing that keeps me going most of the time is the belief that in most cases depression is temporary and there will be a day when things feel lighter, more optimistic - the light at the end of the tunnel - hence the old saying that sui is a permanent solution to a temporary problem! Other stuff that is also a great help; the positive support of my family and all of the support that I've had through the health service and of course all of the positives gained through the Mental Health Forum (so keep posting!).

More and more I'm trying to live one day (or even one hour) at a time concentrating on the here and now rather than thinking about what might happen in a weeks time or a year. This helps me to switch my brain off from the constant self criticism and thoughts of suicide - well for a while anyway...

The other thing I would say is to keep you gp as fully informed as you can (including any thoughts of suicide) - how often are you seeing them? Ever since I've been off work I've seen my gp every week or two - this means that they are in the best position to help you - which could include bumping you up the waiting list if needed or referring you to a psychiatrist. Also, if the venlafaxine is loosing it's effect there are many more anti depressants that can be tried.

Take care,
Honey, xx

 

[ramboghettouk]

I'd push for the counciling, unless you push they don't see you as suitable

i'm in a situation where they keep on saying i've refused psychotherapy, i said the partial better it would offer me would be worse than nothing at all as i'd get a benefit cut, your not in the trapped on benefits situation, counciling could rfeally cure

 

[Fedup]

Firstly not sure if this is the correct place to post but I will go ahead anyway.

I joined tis forum this morning looking for help and answers to my life!!

I am 32 yearold male,successful in work, not in love, people say I am good looking and why am I single but this just makes me angry as they dont know me and what goes on inside my head.

My perosnality is I used to be very outgoing, optimistic and looked forward to whatever life threw at me.

Now I feel like I want to die the sooner the better to escape tis pain., I hate myself so much, I feel stupid frustrated and hell bent and making my own life more miserable. I dont understand hy this is the case I have supportive parents who love me. I have a great job, travel the world see all sorts of interesting things. My boss even opened an office in Manchester especially for me as I was in meltdown living in London.

I went to see the doctor about 2 months ago and he prescribed me Veneflaxin 75 mg which seemed to work in the beginning I started going out socially again, joined the gym and started getting fit but now I seem to slowly be slipping into self destruct mode and I cant seem to stop myself, I have totally lost my gusto and am In real dispar.

The doctor said he would refer me to a counseller so I could tackle my demons however when the letter came through it said that I was on a waiting list and the waiting period was about 26 weeks unless urgent. I never replied to the letter however I wish I had then I would be in the system.

I really dont want to be taking any medication but feel I have this life sentence now as I have lost total control of my life and feel like a puppet being controlled by ther forces. I hate it. I hate these sinking feeling inside that never go away, I hat questioning everything and I hate the fact I hate myself so much and more than anything I hate the fact that I cant find a solution to this nightmare.

If this is not the right place to write this then I apologise and will remove it if someone says but I need advice and help before I do something stupid. I am not looking for any miracle cures I just want to be content with myself and try to live the normal life that everyone thinks I live.

Thanks for listening

Hello and Gary
Maybe go back to your gp , your meds may need reveiwing etc & your gp may be able to refer you to your local MHT which may help you more.
Hang in there & keep posting , we will always listen & help & support where we can.

 

[Dollit]

Hi Gary and welcome and I'm glad you're here.

One thing at a time. Back to the GP and get the meds reviewed - they may need an increase but you have been taking them a very short time. That surge of "okayness" when you first started taking them may have been due to the fact you were doing something positive and it bolstered you.

Get on the counselling list and keep your GP updated regularly as to how you are.

I had a period of depression at Easter where I wanted to die. I rang a colleague and sat there on the phone and told him I wanted to die. He sat and chatted to me and I said that everything was great, my work was going smoothly, everything I touched turned to gold but I wanted to to die. He reminded me that depression doesn't know that - it just happens sometimes. I got through that time and some others since.

One thing helps me considerably is my support team. I have never formally asked any one person on the team but they are people I trust. My consultant, my GP, a friend who I've known a long time, some people I work with (two in particular), a friend who lives in a nearby town. I've added quite a few people from here. People who will listen to me and not try to cheer me up and jolly me along. People who understand that sometimes in order to fight back you have to feel what you're fighting against.

It's not easy but we'll do our best to help.