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Transgender OCD, please help it feels so scary?

N

nuuqkuj

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Joined
Jan 27, 2015
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So, I’ve dealt with OCD all my life. I first realized I had it after watching That’s so Raven with my family when I was about 10 and I started obsessing about having visions of the future, but I had had obsessions before that, that I had realized that it was OCD. I am a very compulsive thinking and a perfectionist, I don’t like leaving anything to chance. I also tend to overthink things and “philosophize” about things. I think about the meaning of life a lot and how everyone conforms themselves to fit a certain image that they consider to be themselves and something presentable for the outside world, and how almost everyone spends most of their time in their head thinking. Last summer, shortly before turning twenty, I started pondering what makes a boy a boy and a girl a girl. I thought about mannerisms and, especially, clothing. I have never felt the urge to dress up like a girl, yet I started to think about whether or not the only reason I’ve never felt this desire is because I was raised as a boy, because clothing in and of itself really has no meaning. Then of course, my OCD (which had been dormant for quite some time), started kicking in, and I started thinking “ well, it doesn’t matter, anyways, because you care way to much about what other people think to ever break these societal norms and wear woman’s clothes”. My first reaction to that was that I’d never even felt the desire to wear women’s clothing, but then my brain went on to say “you wouldn’t even try it”. And then I started to obsess about the fact that I care so much about my image that I would never be able to try out dressing like a woman, even though I didn’t even really want to…
Well, anyways, I also LOVE languages and think a lot about how language influences our way of thinking, and then all of a sudden I started thinking about the difference between “he” and “she”, and my head started telling me “You’d never ask anyone to say she to you because you’d be too worried about what they think”. I honestly had NEVER had that thought before. For the first time shortly before turning twenty, and I didn’t even want to be addressed as a she. I had never questioned being addressed as “ he” and have always considered myself a boy/man. Yet, the thought wouldn’t let me go that I would never be brave enough to “try being a woman”. Anyway, long story short, so began my obsession with being worried that I’m secretly a transsexual/could start to want to be transsexual.
This fear fear was especially scary because I actually am gay, and misinterpreted my homosexuality for several years as OCD (or at least I wanted to think it was OCD). That started though when I was 12, not 20… I came out first as bi and then later as gay, and I got the thought “now just wait a bit and you’ll be coming out as trans”, and that definitely helped to spark the fear.
But, anyways, I had this fear for maximum a few days during the summer, and then it stopped and I didn’t really worry about it for several months. I even became friends with a W to M transsexual person at school and didn’t think twice about it. Sure, the thought would pop in my head once in a while when I saw something that triggered the thought, like transexual people on tv or reading something about transgendered people, but it never “stuck” like OCD thoughts tend to do. I did continue to obsess about me not living my life to the fullest because of what other people thought of me, i.e. not dancing on the streets or starting to sing randomly in the bus, etc. I also got sick several times during the first few weeks of school (I’m a freshman at a university in Germany) and worried that I caused it by being stressed, that I was going to get mortally sick and not be able to live my life to the fullest, that I was going bald, etc. I also OBSESSED about speaking perfect German at school, accent and everything. Pretty much I had a very stressful first semester of school.
Anyways, over Christmas I flew back to the U.S. and was relieved to be able to relax for a while, but then all of a sudden the transexual fears came back. And they’ve stuck around for about the past three weeks. And they terrify me. I feel like I’m losing myself all over again and I don’t even know who I am. I’m constantly looking at girls and asking myself if I’d rather be like them, imagining people referring to me as a “she” and seeing if it bothers me, picturing myself losing my penis and having a vagina and boobs and seeing if I like it. I love being a boy and it scares me so much. At first when I imagined these things it felt very strange and wrong, like it wasn’t me. But now maybe I’m getting used to it and it’s not such a shock factor when I imagine it, and I’m worried that I’m slowly getting used to the thought or subconsciously “reorganizing” my mind by thinking about it myself to want to be a girl and could wake up one day and secretly really want to be a girl. Especially when I imagine being a girl and it doesn’t totally freak me it out, I get really worried. I feel like I’m losing myself.
I could go on about a lot of other factors and things, but this is already super long. Can somebody help me. It’s a mixture of fear between being worried that I can’t operate 100% without restricting myself a bit due to my concern about what other people think of me, not being able to live life to the fullest and feeling like I’m losing grip of who I am and not knowing who I am anymore. What should I do? These thoughts are terrorizing me. I just want to go back to knowing who I am. Ever since I came to terms with my sexuality when I was 18, I’ve only wanted to be in a relationship with another guy and for him to be attracted to me (as an attractive male). Now I’m worried that one day I’ll want to be a girl and no guy will ever be able to love me. What do I do?
P.S. My whole childhood I’ve never even thought about being a girl, never even crossed me mind. The only things I can think of my doing that could be considered “gender-bending” would be one time when I was like five and I put on this princess costume and ran after a guy and was trying to kiss him (and I don’t remember wishing I was actually a girl there). This was one time! And then when I was like in 6th grade when I cut my underwear to make it look like lingerie (top and bottom) and tried it on in the bathroom. I don’t remember wishing a was a girl there either, I was really just experimenting. I did lots of weird things back then too, like reenacting Jesus’ crucifixion with clay figures…
Anyways, please help! Thanks
 
Last edited:
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
1,079
I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling messed up by your thoughts. Have you ever spoken to anyone about your OCD?

I think a lot of what you say actually sounds quite normal. You sound like quite a philosophical type of person and it's natural for you to question things.

It sounds as though you went through similar thought processes before accepting your sexuality. Perhaps because you questioned this for so long, worrying about your gender is almost like the next hurdle. Unlike your sexuality though, your gender concerns seem unfounded and possibly more related to OCD.

I don't think that you are less shocked or worried because you are coming round to the idea about becoming a girl. I think it's because you are now familiar with the concept. Nothing will ever be as shocking as the first time you hear about it.

Can you reason with yourself at all when you start obsessing about things?

By the way, welcome to the forum!
 
B

Bayside*sunrise

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Joined
Feb 17, 2015
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1
I'm really sorry that your stressing out so hard over this. I know that everything is much easier said then done and with OCD it's nearly impossible to change your thought pattern and way of thinking. I want to tell you to try and not care about what people think. If you don't know them who cares I've been called a faggot a million times and yeah it bothers me but there comes a time when you just have to realize people are always going to have an opinoon about you. No matter what. So let them you can't change that. The best thing you can do is try relaxing techniques. If you have friends wich I'm sure you do they should be the people you surround yourself with and care about. And even if u only have 2 friends it's ok and if your thinking I don't wanna invest myself in them if we won't be friends forever (because my OCD would make me think that) you should invest yourself and learn to love and trust because people come and go and no matter what you will always have someone who cares about you. Now I can also understand how scary it could be to think your trans. But who cares it's your decision you have the right to live how ever you want weather it's a straight male gay male or trans. You should try and invest some of your energy into finding yourself and becoming happy with yourself. The happier you are with your self the less you will care about what other people think. I really empithise with you. Also I'm on Prozac and I think it had helped with my OCD. Mabe you could try that. I know it's super hard but you have to make a concious effort to change your thought patterns. I hope this made sense I feel like it came out kinda jumbled but I hope the best for you and stay strong!
 
pepecat

pepecat

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I think if you were truly transgender, you'd know about it by now. You've said in your post that you love being a boy - that is not the statement someone who is transgender would make. They would say they are deeply uncomfortable in their (original) gender, hate wearing the clothes associated with it, being called by the pronoun associated with it..... the whole shebang.
I'm not trans, but more agendered (I don't really identify as man or woman even though I"m biologically female), and I've felt like this for a long time. Just uncomfortable with my body, with the whole 'woman' thing that comes with that, with being called 'she'...... I reckon if you were the same (or trans), you'd have had all those sorts of thoughts for a while already.

It kinda sounds to me like you're exploring things - playing with words and language and seeing what their implications are, rather than questioning your gender identity per se. It seems more like a philosophical debate you're having with yourself about 'what would it mean if people called me 'she' - how would that fit with social constructs and perceptions' rather than 'I feel like I want to be called 'she' because I identify more with women'. Does that make sense? Sort of more about semiotics, rather than you being uncomfortable with you.
Unless i've got completely the wrong end of the stick......
 
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