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transgender ocd fears

E

enantiomer

New member
Joined
Dec 7, 2021
Messages
1
Location
Chicago
Hi all, new to the forums. I’m a 25 year old cis woman. I was a bit of a tomboy growing up, have a low voice that I’ve at various times been a little insecure about, and feel more comfortable with short hair and sportswear for the most part, though I also have always liked fashion and makeup and other traditionally “feminine” interests. I’ve never really questioned my identity as a woman and considered the more “masculine” or “androgynous” parts of my style and personality just a part of who I am and not any indication I wanted to be a man. Until recently. I watched the movie Titane, which involves a woman disguising herself as a boy to hide from police, and ever since I have been plagued with TOCD thoughts. I’m queer, and have several trans friends in my life. I feel awful because I keep checking my own fears and thoughts against my FTM friend’s actual experiences of dysphoria and how he knew it was right for him to transition, which I can only imagine is annoying for him every time I seek reassurance. It’s been pretty relentless, I’ve had other flavors of OCD thoughts throughout my life (harm, religious, sexual, thinking I was secretly a serial killer and couldn’t admit it to myself, etc.) and they usually go away on their own after a while, but this one has stuck around in a way that’s really distressing. In my darkest moments my thoughts will tell me “some day when you’re 40 or 50 you’re gonna wake up and realize you’ve been living a lie this whole time, you’re trans and so deep in denial, etc”. It sucks. Up until the panic attack that set this whole thing off, I was just getting into the swing of feeling more confident and more attractive. I used to feel so sure of myself, felt charming and funny and pretty, and now I hate speaking because I hate how masculine my voice is, how square my jaw is, how awkward I am. My brain tells me “you’re so masculine and ugly looking as a woman this is proof that there was a mistake and you need to be a man”, which is distressing and untrue. I’m trying not to seek reassurance online too much, as I know that only feeds the idea and the compulsion, but figured I’d lay out my own experience in case other people could relate. I just started on Lexapro and will be looking for an OCD specialized therapist soon, you are not alone!
 
O

Orangeade

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 23, 2021
Messages
1,686
Location
England
Hi all, new to the forums. I’m a 25 year old cis woman. I was a bit of a tomboy growing up, have a low voice that I’ve at various times been a little insecure about, and feel more comfortable with short hair and sportswear for the most part, though I also have always liked fashion and makeup and other traditionally “feminine” interests. I’ve never really questioned my identity as a woman and considered the more “masculine” or “androgynous” parts of my style and personality just a part of who I am and not any indication I wanted to be a man. Until recently. I watched the movie Titane, which involves a woman disguising herself as a boy to hide from police, and ever since I have been plagued with TOCD thoughts. I’m queer, and have several trans friends in my life. I feel awful because I keep checking my own fears and thoughts against my FTM friend’s actual experiences of dysphoria and how he knew it was right for him to transition, which I can only imagine is annoying for him every time I seek reassurance. It’s been pretty relentless, I’ve had other flavors of OCD thoughts throughout my life (harm, religious, sexual, thinking I was secretly a serial killer and couldn’t admit it to myself, etc.) and they usually go away on their own after a while, but this one has stuck around in a way that’s really distressing. In my darkest moments my thoughts will tell me “some day when you’re 40 or 50 you’re gonna wake up and realize you’ve been living a lie this whole time, you’re trans and so deep in denial, etc”. It sucks. Up until the panic attack that set this whole thing off, I was just getting into the swing of feeling more confident and more attractive. I used to feel so sure of myself, felt charming and funny and pretty, and now I hate speaking because I hate how masculine my voice is, how square my jaw is, how awkward I am. My brain tells me “you’re so masculine and ugly looking as a woman this is proof that there was a mistake and you need to be a man”, which is distressing and untrue. I’m trying not to seek reassurance online too much, as I know that only feeds the idea and the compulsion, but figured I’d lay out my own experience in case other people could relate. I just started on Lexapro and will be looking for an OCD specialized therapist soon, you are not alone!
Sending you love and support x
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
13,316
Location
England
I hope the Lexapro is going well.

We all look so different don't we and many people are not happy with how they look and sound. I am a woman and there are parts of me i don't like. I have been teased for my feminitiy so many times. There seem to be many women around who don't like feminine women and see them as weak which is not true. A woman can wear a dress and sandals, have a soft voice, and still be tough and strong can't they.

:welcome:
 
3

3howards

Member
Joined
Jan 11, 2022
Messages
22
Location
P.a
E,

Yeah you got ocd bad....

A young man I met in my neighbourhood had ocd bad.... his worst ocd harassment was that he was gay.... I assured him he was not, at 56 im sure of it, because ocd attacks the things that bothers you the most.... he’s not gay... your not trans....

You are just the human being you described at the beginning of your post....a beautiful gay woman.... who is sporty and not girlie , not a lipstick lesbian....

10 years ago a girl in there was surprised it took me so long to get into a psych ward....that’s brought up because I’m new to cognitive therapies.... meds never worked for me....I don’t understand everything about cognitive therapy, but it seems like your surprressing(sp?) ocd.... what has worked for me Is knowledge, understanding it’s a chemical imbalance, and John Nash....from the movie a beautiful mind ( my mentor)Nash used his intelligence to fight his hallucinations, I feel when I stand and fight ocd (metaphor) I knock it down a peg, sometimes I knock it out!.... you have had all the worst ocd obtrusive thoughts, sacreligious, violent, perverse, and the trans one is holding on....

You have even experienced that ocd is like a salesman, if their not selling something , they discontinue it.... your trans fear is their all time best seller.... time to send them packing and looking for a new thing to bother you about, they probably will,

But you will have become stronger.... I know it .. I would almost bet the devil is a saying I have( but I wouldn’t)that your not trans.... this means ....your not trans.

Hope u have some peace tonight....

My demon that I’m on here about....

Obsessive thoughts stopped bothering me along time ago except two things....Well, one partly ocd....

One a shrink taught me a decade ago, never heard it mentioned anywhere else, ever.... ocd pollution, were ocd tries to “ruin” things and pass times I love.... long story for another time....

2nd and the worst.... when I realised that sacreligious and violent images were produced by a chemical imbalance I felt no more guilt, and no more fear..at all.

Then some time of peace passed by before my compulsive rituals got worse and pollution ocd showed up.... it was years of peace, but can’t remember when I remembered..1987....

21 years old, my first ocd experience.. a reoccurring blasphemous thought, that went on for weeks .. day and night, then one day sitting in my car I just snapped.... I self destructed and not sure if I was angry at GOD or it was directed at him, Or it was just self destructive????....but a flood of worse blasphemous thoughts came to mind.... I remembered years later that WAS me....

If anyone else had a similar experience be it with violence, perverse whatever.... it would mean this was more text book....

My golden goose.... that’s what I’m looking for on here....

From shrinks I got that no reassurance crapola(when asking if this happened to any of their patients)I’m not for that therapy....

And I told my wife that putting dirt on my hands and eating a ham sandwich and cursing at a picture of mother Mary isn’t curing me anytime soon, meds are useless, and trigger my bi polar often, making me manic and delusional..... a symptom we don’t really have....

Being gay is fine, my wife is bi- and no, never tried to take advantage and get some threesome action.... we were in high school together and grew up together....

My own opinion of the Bible is this.... I think the warnings are for heterosexuals experimenting with the same sex....

The supreme being created you gay, with too many hormones of the opposite sex, and then banishes you to hell with Hitler and the Manson family.... sounds stupid....

I’m a Christian, and I said to my wife ..Christians drive everyone nuts(not all)because they don’t follow Jesus....they become Jesus.....

Have some peace....56 year old ocd dude TELLING you .. your not trans.... send ocd packing tonight with a middle finger....

Threehowards
 
I

IDontCare99

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 27, 2021
Messages
1,445
Location
NoWhere
You are a female, with masculine traits...tomboy. You are no less a female...and should embrace it.
 
O

Ocean117

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2022
Messages
50
Location
Australia
U said it in the first sentence ! You are a woman ! Promise you this was one of my ocd themes and it feels so so so real when you are in it but I can’t stop laughing about how I thought I was a boy in denial now . Ocd latches on uncertainty but this ones a typical ocd thoight .just say to yourself okay so if I am a boy who cares . I can get surgery later on to fix it . Now you’ll probably answer but I don’t want to get surgery because I am a girl . People who are generally transgender always know : you wouldn’t have to question it
 
O

Ocean117

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2022
Messages
50
Location
Australia
E,

Yeah you got ocd bad....

A young man I met in my neighbourhood had ocd bad.... his worst ocd harassment was that he was gay.... I assured him he was not, at 56 im sure of it, because ocd attacks the things that bothers you the most.... he’s not gay... your not trans....

You are just the human being you described at the beginning of your post....a beautiful gay woman.... who is sporty and not girlie , not a lipstick lesbian....

10 years ago a girl in there was surprised it took me so long to get into a psych ward....that’s brought up because I’m new to cognitive therapies.... meds never worked for me....I don’t understand everything about cognitive therapy, but it seems like your surprressing(sp?) ocd.... what has worked for me Is knowledge, understanding it’s a chemical imbalance, and John Nash....from the movie a beautiful mind ( my mentor)Nash used his intelligence to fight his hallucinations, I feel when I stand and fight ocd (metaphor) I knock it down a peg, sometimes I knock it out!.... you have had all the worst ocd obtrusive thoughts, sacreligious, violent, perverse, and the trans one is holding on....

You have even experienced that ocd is like a salesman, if their not selling something , they discontinue it.... your trans fear is their all time best seller.... time to send them packing and looking for a new thing to bother you about, they probably will,

But you will have become stronger.... I know it .. I would almost bet the devil is a saying I have( but I wouldn’t)that your not trans.... this means ....your not trans.

Hope u have some peace tonight....

My demon that I’m on here about....

Obsessive thoughts stopped bothering me along time ago except two things....Well, one partly ocd....

One a shrink taught me a decade ago, never heard it mentioned anywhere else, ever.... ocd pollution, were ocd tries to “ruin” things and pass times I love.... long story for another time....

2nd and the worst.... when I realised that sacreligious and violent images were produced by a chemical imbalance I felt no more guilt, and no more fear..at all.

Then some time of peace passed by before my compulsive rituals got worse and pollution ocd showed up.... it was years of peace, but can’t remember when I remembered..1987....

21 years old, my first ocd experience.. a reoccurring blasphemous thought, that went on for weeks .. day and night, then one day sitting in my car I just snapped.... I self destructed and not sure if I was angry at GOD or it was directed at him, Or it was just self destructive????....but a flood of worse blasphemous thoughts came to mind.... I remembered years later that WAS me....

If anyone else had a similar experience be it with violence, perverse whatever.... it would mean this was more text book....

My golden goose.... that’s what I’m looking for on here....

From shrinks I got that no reassurance crapola(when asking if this happened to any of their patients)I’m not for that therapy....

And I told my wife that putting dirt on my hands and eating a ham sandwich and cursing at a picture of mother Mary isn’t curing me anytime soon, meds are useless, and trigger my bi polar often, making me manic and delusional..... a symptom we don’t really have....

Being gay is fine, my wife is bi- and no, never tried to take advantage and get some threesome action.... we were in high school together and grew up together....

My own opinion of the Bible is this.... I think the warnings are for heterosexuals experimenting with the same sex....

The supreme being created you gay, with too many hormones of the opposite sex, and then banishes you to hell with Hitler and the Manson family.... sounds stupid....

I’m a Christian, and I said to my wife ..Christians drive everyone nuts(not all)because they don’t follow Jesus....they become Jesus.....

Have some peace....56 year old ocd dude TELLING you .. your not trans.... send ocd packing tonight with a middle finger....

Threehowards
You are a really good person helping everyone in here . May god bless you if you believe in a God .
 
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