- Dec 7, 2021
Hi all, new to the forums. I’m a 25 year old cis woman. I was a bit of a tomboy growing up, have a low voice that I’ve at various times been a little insecure about, and feel more comfortable with short hair and sportswear for the most part, though I also have always liked fashion and makeup and other traditionally “feminine” interests. I’ve never really questioned my identity as a woman and considered the more “masculine” or “androgynous” parts of my style and personality just a part of who I am and not any indication I wanted to be a man. Until recently. I watched the movie Titane, which involves a woman disguising herself as a boy to hide from police, and ever since I have been plagued with TOCD thoughts. I’m queer, and have several trans friends in my life. I feel awful because I keep checking my own fears and thoughts against my FTM friend’s actual experiences of dysphoria and how he knew it was right for him to transition, which I can only imagine is annoying for him every time I seek reassurance. It’s been pretty relentless, I’ve had other flavors of OCD thoughts throughout my life (harm, religious, sexual, thinking I was secretly a serial killer and couldn’t admit it to myself, etc.) and they usually go away on their own after a while, but this one has stuck around in a way that’s really distressing. In my darkest moments my thoughts will tell me “some day when you’re 40 or 50 you’re gonna wake up and realize you’ve been living a lie this whole time, you’re trans and so deep in denial, etc”. It sucks. Up until the panic attack that set this whole thing off, I was just getting into the swing of feeling more confident and more attractive. I used to feel so sure of myself, felt charming and funny and pretty, and now I hate speaking because I hate how masculine my voice is, how square my jaw is, how awkward I am. My brain tells me “you’re so masculine and ugly looking as a woman this is proof that there was a mistake and you need to be a man”, which is distressing and untrue. I’m trying not to seek reassurance online too much, as I know that only feeds the idea and the compulsion, but figured I’d lay out my own experience in case other people could relate. I just started on Lexapro and will be looking for an OCD specialized therapist soon, you are not alone!