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Transgender/Gender OCD. Please please help! (longer read, but tried to organize!)

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ocdworrier44

Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2021
Messages
7
Location
US
This has been driving me INSANE. I have become so upset and distracted by all of this, thinking I'm some sort of creepy weirdo.

Let me start from the beginning:
I'm an 18 year old girl. Since I was 8, I suffered from OCD where I had to organize things, say everything I thought of when I entered a room (yes that was fricking exhausting), OCD about brain tumor/dying young/being paralyzed, OCD about being gay/bi, OCD about being asexual, and now OCD about being trans mixed with OCD about my gender feelings in general.

TOCD: When I was younger I was a huge tomboy. In fact, I think I wanted to try to be like the guys (wearing guys clothes, swimwear) just out of curiosity maybe? I know it's normal for kids to experiment. But then I stopped acting/dressing as a boy around age 6 because I felt "uncomfortable" - basically like I felt too "boyish." I wouldn't even wear jeans and I had to wear girly colors (I, a cis female, almost felt like a MTF trans person because I felt uncomfortable being "male" if that makes sense), but I since calmed down and have started to accept my tomboy side - I can be both girly and tomboy. Though sometimes I still feel "manly" especially when I was with female friends (explaining things/my voice is low) and tried to make myself feel more feminine by dressing more girly which helped. Sometimes I think I have manly mannerisms naturally and must be trans. But I've always related to girls, loved dressing up, have no desire whatsoever to wear a suit or boys clothes or cut my hair (I'd feel weird). So I guess you're wondering why I'm worried I'm transgender (FTM)? If anything I already seem to know I'd feel uncomfortable being male, right?

Well, when I was 4 years old, my mom told me this story about a boy in her class who was a troublemaker, and for some reason, I kept daydreaming as if I was him and imagining what he looked like. I wrote stories about him, and still do (I'm weird, but just creative I guess). Now I'm pretty certain I was attracted to him and maybe him being a "bad boy" (because I am really attracted to him now), but now my brain tells me I just wanted to BE him, though I've talked with other cishet girls and they've said they did this. I had my first real crush (on a boy) when I was 11/12 and have crushed on boys since then. I've never crushed on girls, even though I had HOCD for a bit. Though now with TOCD, I have questions like: If you were taller/skinnier/had different parents/better looking, would you want to transition to male? Do you just be those boys? It's so annoying! Before this I loved acting girly and trying to get their attention because I wanted to be WITH them. But now I'm worried I did some things because they did, which means I wanted to be them.... It's never ending. On the other side, I'm worried that at times when I feel "too manly" I worry that I'm either a) a lesbian because I don't like "men" (which isn't true - if anything I'd feel more like myself and more feminine if I dated a guy) or b) trans in denial and suppressing my urge to wanted to be a boy, be taller, have a flat chest, facial hair - NONE of those things I want.

It gets even weirder. From a young age after my tomboy phase, I had reoccurring dreams of myself being shirtless in public or acting boyish just to maybe prove that I'm not male, and I felt really UNCOMFORTABLE by those dreams. I did NOT enjoy them and never have; all because once when I was younger I took off my shirt just because. I don't know why I keep having those every once in a while, but I'm sure they stem from that. I've also been convinced I have some sort of weird "kink" - because one time I was 7 and my sibling and I drew girls and boys half naked (I have no idea - we were weird) and I got a groin "pang" down there (I honestly don't think it felt like arousal - I felt really uncomfortable) when I drew the girl, so now I'm scared I'm aroused by half naked boyish girls, even though I'm not, did not enjoy it, etc. If anything, it stems from my insecurities about not feeling "feminine" enough.

SUMMARY: Here's what I can't stand! Why do I have such weird thoughts about gender? My TOCD means it means I'm secretly insecure and want to transition and my HOCD means that I'm secretly a lesbian. I have always had a deep connection emotionally to guys and crushed on them physically. I could never see myself with a girl. I'm cis but sometimes I feel like I'm MTF (makes no sense - I'm a cis girl) and disliking feeling too "manly" yet at times, I think that because I was a tomboy when I was younger and daydreamed as boy that it means that I'm FTM. I also can't forget about feeling that strong weird feeling down there, even though I felt uncomfortable and was probably just clenching my muscles. Who knows. Last thing is, I've always been fascinated with stories of trans people, but also sometimes uncomfortable if I was surprised by a transition. I've been able to relate to trans females, but I've been drawn to trans males more (even though I 100% cannot relate to wanting to be a guy). But my OCD thinks this is because I'm trans in denial. But I honestly think I'm just a really accepting person, and attracted to guys - I've always been drawn to male figures more (mainly because I'm into guys).

Every time I see the words LGBTQ I get this weird feeling, like I'm one. Before I was 16 I knew I was a weird kid, but never cared about this - I loved being a girl and I loved dreaming about being with guys! I want a boyfriend, I want to be a mom, and be a wife. I don't want to be a lesbian or a trans guy or have some weird feelings about gender!!! HELP!!!!!! I want my old self back.
 
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Felicity

Active member
Joined
Feb 24, 2021
Messages
27
Location
France
Hi ocdworrier44, i’ve to say the fact that I reply to almost every single post about TOCD is probably not a sign of me getting better, shows that I’m still pretty obsessed about these thoughts… But damn it feels comforting to read other people’s thoughts that resonate with mine. Especially:

I'm cis but sometimes I feel like I'm MTF (makes no sense - I'm a cis girl)

I’m a cis girl too and when this exact thought crossed my mind I felt like I had definitely lost it tbh, so it’s comforting to see that I’m not the only one. In my darkest times I see this as sign I’m a trans in denial, in the sense it may mean that I’m a man who has tried all his life to be a woman and is just now realizing he’s not. In my good times, I see this as a sign these thoughts are utter bullshit!!!! I also kinda relate when you say that you relate more with MtF than FtM in the sense that I used to think « Well being a woman is so great I can understand why some men would feel like they would feel better as women!!!! » (this was completely ignorant of me btw….. but just to show that being a trans man had never crossed my mind before)

Another thing I relate to is the fact that you seem to be confused about you want to be/what you’re attracted to. For example my role models have always been women, most of the time independent, sexy, « badass » women. Now I wonder if I wanted to be like them or if I was attracted to them. I think this aspect is broader that the question of being trans/not trans. Maybe it stems from a lack of romantic/sexual experience.

Anyway, two things I can tell you: you’re not alone :)
And about your memory about drawing half naked bodies: I think we’ve all secretly searched « penis » or « vulva » in the dictionary when we were children and felt a little « pang » down there when seeing the drawings and stuff. Maybe it simply that drawing a naked girl body reminded you of your own body, of what you’ve got between your legs, hence the little pang… Idk but it doesn’t seem weird to me at all :)

Anyway like I said in another topic it kinda amazes me how many testimonies there are about TOCD on the forum. I feel like there are more and more. Maybe because gender identity is being discussed more than before and deciding to « change » one’s gender is now being seeing as a real possibility, not just as something that happens to a few people. And so our brain feels like it HAS to explore this possibility « Does my assigned gender really fit who I am? » whereas before this was not even a question for most people.
English is not my native language so excuse me if my words are not chosen wisely, i don’t want to be offensive but it’s kinda hash to explain in English.
 
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ocdworrier44

Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2021
Messages
7
Location
US
Hi ocdworrier44, i’ve to say the fact that I reply to almost every single post about TOCD is probably not a sign of me getting better, shows that I’m still pretty obsessed about these thoughts… But damn it feels comforting to read other people’s thoughts that resonate with mine. Especially:

I'm cis but sometimes I feel like I'm MTF (makes no sense - I'm a cis girl)

I’m a cis girl too and when this exact thought crossed my mind I felt like I had definitely lost it tbh, so it’s comforting to see that I’m not the only one. In my darkest times I see this as sign I’m a trans in denial, in the sense it may mean that I’m a man who has tried all his life to be a woman and is just now realizing he’s not. In my good times, I see this as a sign these thoughts are utter bullshit!!!! I also kinda relate when you say that you relate more with MtF than FtM in the sense that I used to think « Well being a woman is so great I can understand why some men would feel like they would feel better as women!!!! » (this was completely ignorant of me btw….. but just to show that being a trans man had never crossed my mind before)

Another thing I relate to is the fact that you seem to be confused about you want to be/what you’re attracted to. For example my role models have always been women, most of the time independent, sexy, « badass » women. Now I wonder if I wanted to be like them or if I was attracted to them. I think this aspect is broader that the question of being trans/not trans. Maybe it stems from a lack of romantic/sexual experience.

Anyway, two things I can tell you: you’re not alone :)
And about your memory about drawing half naked bodies: I think we’ve all secretly searched « penis » or « vulva » in the dictionary when we were children and felt a little « pang » down there when seeing the drawings and stuff. Maybe it simply that drawing a naked girl body reminded you of your own body, of what you’ve got between your legs, hence the little pang… Idk but it doesn’t seem weird to me at all :)

Anyway like I said in another topic it kinda amazes me how many testimonies there are about TOCD on the forum. I feel like there are more and more. Maybe because gender identity is being discussed more than before and deciding to « change » one’s gender is now being seeing as a real possibility, not just as something that happens to a few people. And so our brain feels like it HAS to explore this possibility « Does my assigned gender really fit who I am? » whereas before this was not even a question for most people.
English is not my native language so excuse me if my words are not chosen wisely, i don’t want to be offensive but it’s kinda hash to explain in English.
You have no idea how much better your reply made me feel! I was already starting to feel better after typing this out, but thank you so much for your thoughtful response! I'm glad others understand. I'm especially glad you could relate to the part about sometimes feeling like a MTF; I felt like a weirdo: like what's up with the thought of being the other gender make me uncomfortable? I'm a girl anyways! It's funny - I feel like I'm saying 2 different things at once - I used to feel like a tomboy when I was younger, then worried if I was FTM and just didn't realize it, and I'm also saying that I feel MTF and thus must mean I'm a man or something and thus am also FTM haha. I think I'm 1000% overthinking it.

And yes, I still panic due to TOCD that I want to BE the boys I have crushes on. But deep down I know I don't. I know I admire them a lot, too, (because I like them and am emotionally and physically attracted) but I know I don't want to be them. I feel like I've looked up to women (and also worried that I was attracted to them) and probably even looked up to men occasionally (and worried I wanted to be one). Can't win haha. Can definitely relate more to MTF which makes sense, but I have admiration for both MTF ppl and FTM, and see FTM men as men and once did find a FTM guy cute :)

I also dealt with HOCD and the thought of: What if I'm gay and my attraction to men was a lie, even though I naturally always crushed on boys (my first crush I didn't even have a clue about what it meant about my sexuality haha!), and never have crushed on girls. Despite not having feelings for girls and always feeling a different way about boys, I had the thought that I "must be different" and therefore am "supposed" to be gay - like, the fact that I was straight didn't feel real, because MOST people are straight, but I'm meant to be "unique." This sounds so silly to type out, but it's honestly how my brain felt. Maybe you can relate? My brain is so silly sometimes. I've been crushing on guys since I was 12, possibly younger, and I'm 18, so idk why this started. Occasionally I have a OCD thought, like if I find a girl pretty does that mean I want to kiss her?, but I've been slowly letting those thoughts go and will even occasionally admit that I find a girl beautiful because I know I'm not feeling sexual/romantic attraction!

Again, thank you so much! I'm glad to know there's many ppl out there with their own stories and I have to say that I do agree about what you said in your last paragraph - that's actually a very interesting thought that makes a lot of sense!

Anyways, thanks so much :)
 
C

Courtney125

Active member
Joined
Feb 3, 2017
Messages
36
Hi hun,

treatment to OCD is sctually
To not reassurance seek as it can make you feel better temporarily but makes the thoughts stronger so I hope you do get some help from a psychologist :)

just wanted to say you’re not alone, my mum, myself and plenty of others I know were Tom boys and did so many boyish things but that does not mean we in any way want to be boys, this is your OCD.When you get these thoughts think that is an ocd thought, not my thought and continue about your day. I know it’s hard as I’m still struggling
But just know it’s really
Common to have done all the things you say you did when you were younger and it doesn’t mean anything. Ocd is so confusing and makes us have no sense of self!
 
O

ocdworrier44

Member
Joined
Jun 24, 2021
Messages
7
Location
US
Hi hun,

treatment to OCD is sctually
To not reassurance seek as it can make you feel better temporarily but makes the thoughts stronger so I hope you do get some help from a psychologist :)

just wanted to say you’re not alone, my mum, myself and plenty of others I know were Tom boys and did so many boyish things but that does not mean we in any way want to be boys, this is your OCD.When you get these thoughts think that is an ocd thought, not my thought and continue about your day. I know it’s hard as I’m still struggling
But just know it’s really
Common to have done all the things you say you did when you were younger and it doesn’t mean anything. Ocd is so confusing and makes us have no sense of self!
Thank you!! :)
 
F

Felicity

Active member
Joined
Feb 24, 2021
Messages
27
Location
France
Hi @ocdworrier44 glad my reply gave you some relief :). I took some time to reply because as Courtney said, I know that reassurance seeking is not good for OCD so I try to come here less often (I feel like sometimes my compulsion shifted from seeking reassurance from my mom & sister to coming here…).

Anyway some more weird thoughts for you:

I'm especially glad you could relate to the part about sometimes feeling like a MTF; I felt like a weirdo: like what's up with the thought of being the other gender make me uncomfortable? I'm a girl anyways! It's funny - I feel like I'm saying 2 different things at once - I used to feel like a tomboy when I was younger, then worried if I was FTM and just didn't realize it, and I'm also saying that I feel MTF and thus must mean I'm a man or something and thus am also FTM haha. I think I'm 1000% overthinking it.

This whole TOCD stuff started partly when I recalled (or thought I recalled, seriously at this point i don’t even know what’s real or not sometimes) a memory from my childhood, when I looked at myself in the mirror once and thought « What if I was born a boy but underwent surgery at an early age and now I’m a girl, and my parents have been hiding this from me all along » This is soooo disturbing. But I don’t remember being unhappy about being a girl. growing up, all my role models were girls. But still, I had this feeling something was kept from me. This might be where this weird MTF feeling comes from, idk.

Anyway, I thought talking about this memory to my therapist would automatically lead her to think I’m trans, but surprisingly for me at the time, not at all. Nothing uncommon in her opinion. Maybe I was just self conscious, unhappy with how I looked, already thinking I was too « masculine ». I remembered later in high school a boy had told me I was « manly » or something like that and it hurt.

About sexuality and preferences, unlike you I’m pretty convinced I’m not heterosexual but rather bisexual, and even though I’ve only told a few people and it sometimes causes me anxiety, it doesn’t cause me distress as TOCD does. But I do get the feeling/need of being « unique » and that simply being heterosexual is « too simple » :) and sometimes on the contrary I wish I could be the most common person…

Anyway. Take care :)
 
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