Transference in therapy

C

Callalily

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Being there was like having a warm blanket over me….it was safe and secure and felt like someone might actually be bothered. I always said it was the hardest thing I ever did. I still think that’s true. Opening up was hard. When you’ve been closed your whole life, it’s not easy to let people in. But I did, and in a way, I let myself in. Or at least a part of me that had long been ignored - that I probably didn’t even know existed. We found a scared, lonely little kid who needed some parenting, and in a way, that’s what happened.

Now its about dealing with the residue, I think. It’s about coping with feeling small sometimes, with feeling anxious sometimes, with feeling utterly alone sometimes. It’s about hanging in there and knowing those feelings will pass eventually, and doing what it takes to get through it. It’s about crying myself to sleep, or writing it down, or distracting myself, or just plain putting up with it and waiting. It’s about figuring out what to do with the child part of me that is scared and often howls for what it can’t have, but wants more than anything else – and I have no idea how to be a parent. It’s about wondering if this is a temporary state of affairs, or if random low moods are now part of the scenery. Whatever it is though, and however long it takes to figure out, and however much I miss the person and the place that has been a large part of this, you know what, I think it’ll be ok.
You say that other people have better words than you, I disagree. What you wrote, made me well up, I'm so proud of you, I don't think anyone knows to be a parent, nobody could be a better parent to you than you though because nobody knows you better. I think it'll be ok too :)

You have the answers, you just need to hold on to the fact you do have the answers.
 
pepecat

pepecat

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You have the answers, you just need to hold on to the fact you do have the answers.
Maybe sometimes we don't know we have the answers. Perhaps that's what it's all about.

I miss her.

I knew I would.

I think part of me will always miss her.
 
C

Callalily

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Maybe sometimes we don't know we have the answers. Perhaps that's what it's all about.
I guess I meant answers for how to get through, how to be safe and survive what life throws at you, I believe you have those answers :)
 
pepecat

pepecat

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Yeah..... maybe.....

I think what I was getting at was that often we don't know what we can do until we have to do it. So we think we can't cope, or can't stay safe.....but when it comes to it, actually we can. We do have the resources and the answers. We just don't know it. :)
 
pepecat

pepecat

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"Willow Tree March"

You fall through the trees
And you pray with your knees on the ground
For the things that you need
With your lust and your greed weighing down
And you weaken your love
And you hold it above your head
Success is a song of the heart, not a song of your bed

And we all still die
Yeah we all still die
What will you leave behind?
Oh we all still die

You fall through the trees
And you pray with your knees on the ground
For the things that you need
With your lust and your greed weighing down
And you weaken your love
And you hold it above your head
Success is a song of the heart, not a song of your bed

And we all still die
Yeah we all still die
What will you leave behind?
Oh we all still die

Marching away from the stream
This tree it will die without leaves
Marching away from the stream
This tree it will die without leaves
This tree it will die
This tree it will die

And we all still die
Yeah we all still die
What will you leave behind?
Oh we all still die

And we all still die
Yeah we all still die
What will you leave behind?
Oh we all still die
 
pepecat

pepecat

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"Don't Panic"

Bones, sinking like stones,
All that we fought for,
Homes, places we've grown,
All of us are done for.
And we live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world,

Bones, sinking like stones,
All that we fought for,
And homes, places we've grown,
All of us are done for.
And we live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world.

Here we go,
Here we go.

And we live in a beautiful world,
Yeah we do, yeah we do,
We live in a beautiful world.

Oh, all that I know,
There's nothing here to run from,
Cos yeah, everybody here's got somebody to lean on
 
pepecat

pepecat

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"Desert Song"

I was born the devil’s sun
Yes my dad, he gave my name
No my mama keeps saying

Run to the desert
You will see all that you need to see
Run to the desert
You will be all that you need to be

I woke up to the shadow of a man standing over me
Here in the land of frozen hands
I came out here to kill you father like a Sergio Leoni picture
Gee I hope you understand
And as the red soaked the sand – shhh

Run to the desert
You will see all that you need to see
Run to the desert
You will be all that you need to be
 
pepecat

pepecat

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"Chicago"

I fell in love again
All things go, all things go
Drove to Chicago
All things know, all things know
We sold our clothes to the state
I don't mind, I don't mind
I made a lot of mistakes
In my mind, in my mind

You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow
We had our mindset
All things know, all things know
You had to find it
All things go, all things go

I drove to New York
In a van with my friend
We slept in parking lots
I don't mind, I don't mind
I was in love with the place
In my mind, in my mind
I made a lot of mistakes
In my mind, in my mind

You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow
We had our mindset
All things know, all things know
You had to find it
All things go, all things go

If I was crying
In the van with my friend
It was for freedom
From myself and from the land
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes
I made a lot of mistakes

You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow
We had our mindset
All things know, all things know
You had to find it
All things go, all things go

You came to take us
All things go, all things go
To recreate us
All things grow, all things grow
We had our mindset (I made a lot of mistakes)
All things know, all things know (I made a lot of mistakes)
You had to find it (I made a lot of mistakes)
All things go, all things go (I made a lot of mistakes)
 
T

TonyG

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I finished therapy with a therapist as I had to spend 10 weeks in hospital. Gutted that he not once contacted me to see I was doing. He knew more about me than any human alive and I thought he understood me. One text did come to say that he would be there if I needed him when I got home. THis I took as total rejection. Finished with therapy with him giving an excuse. I started with a different therapist a number of months ago with the view that this is his job and he is going to keep a professional distance. He cares I guess for the hour Im there and that will have to do for now. I struggle with the fact that he does not care about me as I would like him to. I also realise that this is what I missed in my childhood - a feeling that people cared about me and liked me. With this therapist I will not get caught in the same trap (I hope)
 
pepecat

pepecat

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Three years down the line.
Maybe this needs resurrecting.
Things have been....odd.... of late.
Maybe it's my age - hormones or something. I'm a lot more emotional than I ever used to be; even three years ago. That's discombobulating. Is it 'normal'? I have no idea.
I'm not sure what is normal any more. Or, actually, what my normal is. Perhaps there isn't one. Perhaps it's like shifting sand and I need to keep my core stable, but my knees and ankles loose, and adapt to the movement beneath my feet. Like 'train surfing' when there's nothing to hold on to in a crowded carriage.
I can do that....
But it's stressful, and at any moment you might fall. And when the train journey ends, you get off feeling tired and not quite sure if you can relax. Only I'm not sure where this train journey ends. Maybe there is no end.
I fluctuate more than I used to. From good to 'all over the place' quite quickly - and with no warning. Catches you by surprise, and that, more than anything else, has been the weird thing to try and get used to. How you can go to bed one night feeling ok - feeling 'normal', and wake up the next day anxious, and emotional, and....raw..... and for no good rhyme or reason.
There's no consistency.
 
S

so sad

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Hi Pepecat
How are you feeling today? I've not read all of this thread but the last few pages. How has the last 12 months been for you? Are you still going it alone without any therapy/support?
I'm currently doing DBT and finding it all a bit too overwhelming.

Hope you're OK

x
 
pepecat

pepecat

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How are you feeling today? I've not read all of this thread but the last few pages. How has the last 12 months been for you? Are you still going it alone without any therapy/support?
I'm currently doing DBT and finding it all a bit too overwhelming.
Hi So sad

I've heard that DBT can be hard going - I've not done it myself.
The last twelve months have been sort of up and down, I guess. I've not had any therapy or support since 2015 (discharged myself), and was going ok until about a year ago. It's ok..... just a bit 'meh' I suppose. Nothing major.
 
pepecat

pepecat

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can anyone explain benefits of transference in therapy?
The idea of it is that therapy is a safe place where you can work out feelings and stuff that you didn't get a chance to in the past because it wasn't safe, or people wouldn't / didn't listen, or there was no one TO listen....
So if you had something happen to you when you were a kid, but your parents didn't let you get angry about it, or sad about it, or whatever about it, then in therapy, the idea of transference is that you can get angry, or sad about whatever happened to you, with the therapist.
The benefit of it is that you can work out those feelings with the therapist and can express whatever you like and however you feel and the therapist isn't going to criticise, or tell you to shut up, or judge you. There are no repercussions to anything you say or feel because the therapist doesn't react in the same way your parents / family / whoever would.
 
melonino

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This thread is so interesting, thanks pepecat for creating it!

I'm currently dealing with the same, transference makes you feel so good and at the same time so so bad... I actually haven't told my therapist about this issue until yesterday. I sent him an email in front of him and then left the room. Wow, I know, what a great move for a grown up 22 yo, right?


I'm terrified. I feel way too axious now, constantly overthinking on how he's going to react. I was diagnosed BPD and I feel an intense frear of rejection, I feel terrible, but as someone once told me here in this forum, if I don't tell him, it's only going to be this huge elefant in the room, interrumping me from getting better.


idk, sorry, i'm just rambling about my experience. I just wanted to thank you for sharing this, I'm tormented by this transference feeling for months now and it's haunting me... I thought I would feel liberated once I got it out of my chest, but now It feels so weird. I wish this didn't happen to me, or anyone. And yes, I also heard that it's a sign of good connection between therapist and patient, but it can be overwhelming and weid sometimes. Your words are so right, I can totally relate.

Let's see how it goes xx