Toxic parent help.

[Deathmoth 94]

Good afternoon, I am new to this site.
For months now I have been searching for somewhere to ask for much needed help/advice on a toxic parent. The problem is, I can’t figure out if my mum is toxic or not my head goes around and around in circles trying to figure out if she’s toxic or if I’m too easily offended. Maybe if I gave some examples anyone out there could give me their opinion. These examples aren’t in order and may seem “small” but the problem is I feel the small things add up. So I’m an only child, my parents always worked full time so I felt a lot of loneliness growing up. I begged my whole life for a dog for company and every birthday and Christmas that came and I woke up without one, my heart broke. At 16 me and a group of friends found a very young kitten alone and stranded and to my surprise my mum let me keep it. I bottle fed him and he thrived. When I reached 18 I moved home but my dad told me to leave the cat with them because we were scared he wouldn’t cope well moving and their area is so much safer for cats and he meant so much to us we wanted what was best for him. My mum never liked cats, but my dad continued to feed and care for him. A few years later, we went on holiday for a week and while on holiday they had a guy in working on their house. We were sitting in a cafe and my mum came off with “the cats settling in well in his new home” then proceeded to show me a picture of this man with my cat. The guy fell in love with him so my mum told him to take him home and told none of us about this. I began to cry and her response was “well you didn’t look near him sure you moved.”
Moving forward to today, I have now been in a really healthy, happy relationship with a girl for 2 years. (Same sex couple) we are engaged. When we got engaged and I rang my mum to tell her, her response was “oh. And how do you feel about it.” And that was it.
we bumped into a friend of my mums and she referred to my fiancée as my ‘friend’ and her reason was she “didn’t want to have an awkward conversation at that time”.
when we first met her response was “make sure you’re not just jumping at the first person who gives you a bit of attention.”
when I passed all my GCSE exams all she could say was “now imagine what you could’ve done if you actually revised.”
In a wedding dress shop whilst I was trying them on for the first time she spent most of the time talking to the woman about her own wedding and asked me in the middle of the shop if I planned on losing any weight.
she Told me one time she bumped into a mutual friend we both have and said friend said she “wouldn’t have put you and your fiancée together because you’re very pretty and well...” implying my fiancée wasn’t. She’s claimed she feels “blown out” from I’ve met my fiancée. My fiancée absolutely hates her for how she makes me feel.
She huffs with me every few weeks over something different and I don’t recall her ever apologising to me on any occasion. I’m sorry I know it’s long and there’s wayyy more things over the years but I need to know if I’m overthinking or she’s actually toxic and I need to be putting boundaries in place.

 

[JessisMe]

She doesn’t seem toxic to me but she does seem highly negative and yes I do think you need to put boundaries around her to limit the damage she can do. I’m so sorry that your mother cannot be a more positive presence for you. xo, j

 

[Deathmoth 94]

Thank you for taking the time to reply.
it’s hard to express over typing at times.
there’s lots of things over the years. I feel like she’s never happy for me. When I’m finally in a happy relationship she complains constantly that she’s “blown out” which makes me feel weird.
We went on holiday for a week together and she sulked the whole week and hardly spoke to myself or my partner because she felt ‘left out because we went out for a smoke now and again and she doesn’t smoke.’
my partner lost her mum and I needed childcare badly for the funeral and she said she couldn’t do it because she had to work from home. I organised different childcare so the next day she screamed at me down the phone because I ‘didn’t give her a chance’ to get work off even though she never mentioned that was her intentions.
she hates my partner because my partner stands up for me when my mum doesn’t treat me right. She thinks she’s ‘controlling’ because she’s given me the confidence to stand up for myself. she’s always trying to nit pick at her.
when I was a teenager my dad was out drinking every weekend and she used to make me feel so guilty if I ever wanted to go out with my friends instead of spending time with her.

 

[Deathmoth 94]

Also, I feel like when I try to talk to her she couldn’t seem more uninterested if she tried as if she’s not even listening. And most times before I finish talking she’s butt in and it turns into a long detailed story about herself. I never get a word in. And on the odd occasion I do, she never has anything positive to say.
she minded my kids once for work purposes and because I was running a bit behind she told my own kids that I didn’t love and care about them. My daughter was crying when I picked her up and told me why.

 

[JessisMe]

That’s awful! Have you ever confronted your mother about this? It sounds like your partner has been helpful in advocating for you with your mother. Are there things she helps you with in particular or things you have in mind to initiate yourself to reinforce boundaries and promote good behavior with your mother?

 

[timing]

I would recommend the book, "Toxic Parents". It provides a lot of info on the subject and gives you a guide to get out of the cycle.