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Toxic mom tearing up entire family

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Ericatr

New member
Joined
Dec 23, 2018
Messages
3
Hello, I really need some advice. Any thing would be so very much appreciated. I am at a loss.

I am 25 and live with my parents. My mom has been holding onto a grudge with my dad because of issues that happened between them 30 years ago. She blames him for prioritizing his controlling mom over her and diminishing her self worth.

Ever since, she’s fallen into a severe chronic depression and for as long as I can remember been complaining to us (me, my brother and sister) about her relationship and the bad things she went through as a result of marrying my dad.

She is depressed, obese, with a ton of health issues and takes a bunch of pills for it all. She has narcissistic tendencies and constantly blames everything on everyone else. She complains constantly about all her problems. Her family doctor of almost 30 years doesn’t seem to be giving her much help, aside from meds.

She also has a close toxic relationship with my brother. He is 21, obese, depressed - on meds, social anxiety and OCD. She comes to his defence on every issue, even something as minor as him cleaning up his mess after making food.

Today there was a comment made that escalated into a shouting match between the entire family and then shifted between her and my dad. She became hysterical, screaming at the top of her lungs, blaming him for her being the way she is and that he ruined her life. At one point she started hitting him.

I got between them to avoid anything more but i couldn’t contain my composure. I told them they were acting like children and it’s ridiculous that you are blaming someone else for the course of your life.

My brother was hyperventilating in the other room and she ran to his side, again blaming my dad for that too.

I’ve tried countless times to share with her things that are helping me (also have depression). I have offered support, offered to come with her to the doctor, been to counsellors with her m, appointments, a dietician, suggested articles, books, podcasts, etc. She doesn’t stick to anything and then makes an excuse as to why she can’t do anything.

Her life consists of oversleeping, going to appointments (mostly for my brother and sister) eating shitty food and laying on the couch watching tv while scrolling through Twitter and Facebook.

My family and I cannot do this anymore and I am so frustrated trying to find some form of long term, possibly impatient help for her (I live in ON, Canada).

If you read all this, thank you so much for taking the time to do so.

If you can offer some guidance, advice, experience, anything, I would so very much appreciate it.
 
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bluemonday

Member
Joined
Oct 18, 2018
Messages
18
Location
Narnia
Thank you so much for sharing this!
My advice to you would be to move out because God knows living in a toxic environment is the worst of nightmares. If you can't do that then stay out of the drama as much as you can. Don't respond to their suggestive ways because, without a doubt, it all will end up in a yelling session.
My stepdad is a narcissist, my mom has tendencies, so together they can very easily murder one's will to live. Thank God I moved out when I did (it hasn't stopped my depression from escalating, but oh well) but my brother has it the worst. Despite me not being my stepdads biological daughter he treats me better than his own son. it wasn't like that when I was living with my folks tho (physical abuse, mental abuse). I particularly recall a phrase - I will fuck you up mentally so that you'd wish you were never born. I must've been 10 at the time. There are things I don't remember, but as I said my bro has it worse. He's 17 right now and barely ever is home, because when he is they are constantly shouting at each other.
What I have learned is to ignore them in their entirety. I speak only when it is absolutely necessary and even then it's simple "yes,", "no", "i don't know." You can't show that you care for something or else narcissists will rip you to shreds.
It's safe to say your mother won't change no matter how much you try. Narcissists tend to paint themselves as victims and very rarely if ever, recognize their destructive ways.
This subreddit is really nice https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/ you should take a look at it. :)
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 17, 2018
Messages
432
Location
California, US
Hi and I'm sorry to read about how difficult your home life is. It sounds like you've adopted a number of roles based upon the needs of everyone else: mediator, counselor, parent- to name a few.

Largely absent from your detailed depiction is what you're doing for yourself. Are you taking medication and have you gone to a therapist? Are you able to get away from the chaos now and again to do something you enjoy, something that replenishes you? Have you a friend or significant other who's looking out for you?

I understand that you're looking for guidance on the matter of your mother's health but she seems rather uninterested in receiving help. This indifference and her problem behaviors may signify that her antidepressant medication is no longer effective at reducing symptoms and may need to be changed or augmented. I've advocated on my mother's behalf for more effective drugs when she was unable, perhaps that's something you can consider.
 
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Ericatr

New member
Joined
Dec 23, 2018
Messages
3
Thank you so much for sharing this!
My advice to you would be to move out because God knows living in a toxic environment is the worst of nightmares. If you can't do that then stay out of the drama as much as you can. Don't respond to their suggestive ways because, without a doubt, it all will end up in a yelling session.
My stepdad is a narcissist, my mom has tendencies, so together they can very easily murder one's will to live. Thank God I moved out when I did (it hasn't stopped my depression from escalating, but oh well) but my brother has it the worst. Despite me not being my stepdads biological daughter he treats me better than his own son. it wasn't like that when I was living with my folks tho (physical abuse, mental abuse). I particularly recall a phrase - I will fuck you up mentally so that you'd wish you were never born. I must've been 10 at the time. There are things I don't remember, but as I said my bro has it worse. He's 17 right now and barely ever is home, because when he is they are constantly shouting at each other.
What I have learned is to ignore them in their entirety. I speak only when it is absolutely necessary and even then it's simple "yes,", "no", "i don't know." You can't show that you care for something or else narcissists will rip you to shreds.
It's safe to say your mother won't change no matter how much you try. Narcissists tend to paint themselves as victims and very rarely if ever, recognize their destructive ways.
This subreddit is really nice raisedbynarcissists: for the children of narcissistic parents you should take a look at it. :)
I’m so sorry you had to live through that. I’m glad you got out and are doing what you need to do to protect your own mental health.

Me and blog boyfriend are looking at ways to get out as soon as we can.

Thank you for sharing with me,
this really gave me some insight. It’s just so sad and unfortunate that they can’t recognize their own behaviour.

Than you 🙂
 
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Ericatr

New member
Joined
Dec 23, 2018
Messages
3
Yes it feels that way, taking on a few different roles. I am taking medication and in the process of visiting a naturopath for a natural approach to balancing my body. Other than that I research and read a lot, so I am doing good right now. I do have my boyfriend and my dog who lives with me, so I am able to get away at least 3 days out of the week. We are looking into moving out ASAP.

Thank you so much for your response, I appreciate it and will consider the medication change for my mom.
 
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