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Toxic family, why?

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drumx777

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Sheffield
A cousin bully since 2013 has been ostracising me, talks to everyone in the room at house parties and all the family members except me and I could be sitting next to him for hours.

He has put me down, belittled, taken digs.

He is a bully and there is a lot to say.

He acts intimidating, he is sly, manipulative. He manipulates others and I’m sure he is insecure.

His mother has also disrespected me and put me down. She also ostracises me for a long time.

They wish to undermine, condense, patronise, cause problems, maybe even silence. They are rude, obnoxious.

When I see them, despite the cousin bully and his mother knowing I’ve done academic well and could go far in life, they still act like I’m nothing.

I do think they wish to break me.

His mother tries to indirectly show me up and put me down on whatsapp group.

For sure they are both insecure, wish to be superior.

Why are they like this in their overall behaviour?
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Could be many reasons why they act this way to be honest... They certainly sound like they have issues, if this is their behaviour towards you, please don't think any of this is remotely your fault though... How does all of this make you feel? Some people take all of this stuff to heart and makes some doubt themselves... How it affects you can have a huge impact on how you respond... It's important that you recognise the issues are theirs, so please don't make it yours, and if it has affected you personally, it's time to share the damage these people have inflicted on you :hug: Once someone recognises these situations are all about the perpetators and not about the victim, things become a lot easier to handle/manage :)
 
GeminiMoon

GeminiMoon

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Sounds like jealousy on their part. It's not pleasant but it is common in families. It's tough when people you want to care about want to put you down. OCDguy is right. It's all about them not you.
 
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drumx777

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Sheffield
Thank you very much both for your replies and insights.

They also seek a reaction, especially that cousin.

It does make me unnerved to be honest, however know I know the reason/s they do it.
 
GeminiMoon

GeminiMoon

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Remind yourself that they aren't acting maturely before you see them. Be the mature one yourself. Families know how to trigger us because they've been doing it for decades. It's difficult not to be triggered. The trick I learned is to visualise them as toddlers. Then you can still love them and you are not so bothered by what they say. They'll try even harder to trigger you at first. When they see it isn't working they mostly give up. Definitely don't tell them you are doing this.
 
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NoOne5

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Family is the worst. Most evil abusive people are your own family members.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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Thank you very much both for your replies and insights.

They also seek a reaction, especially that cousin.

It does make me unnerved to be honest, however know I know the reason/s they do it.
When we have to deal with things ourselves, it's easy to come to the wrong conclusions, especially if our judgement is clouded by being emotinally involved in something... It concerns me that these situations are unnerving for you. It suggests they are taking their toll on you. Sometimes it helps to get things off our chest, and share what is bothering us... Hope this helps :)
 
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khuang

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Can you cut off all ties with this cousin? That could help you get away from the toxicity and give you some peace of mind. Sometimes you need to stop having all contact with people. If he complains or your family get angry at you after cutting off all ties with him then they’re the ones with a problem. You shouldn’t have to put up with that sort of treatment from anyone nor do you deserve it. Your cousin and aunt are being abusive towards you and they need to know that you’re not going to be their punching bag for insults anymore. Give them a warning the next time you see them and if they start being toxic with you again, tell them off and walk away and never speak to them again and refuse to go to any family function that they attend. Your happiness and well being is far more important than they are. You don’t have to go to any function where they are and have the right to refuse to go and if someone tries to force you to go, put your foot down and say that you refuse to be around your cousin and aunt and that you have far better things to do than for them to do nothing but insult and bully you. If necessary, just lock yourself in your room and refuse to come out until the person trying to force you to see you aunt and cousin leaves you alone and agrees not to make you go. It may be hard to do but you need to do it for yourself and stand firm in your decision.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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While I don't disagree, if someone is secure in themself, it's like water off a Duck's back... Bullies behave in the manner they do because they have issues. Sometimes understanding what it is they are lacking, presents a inspiring way forward, obviously though knowing the real reasons why they behave in that manner is key, rather than just forming assumptions...
 
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drumx777

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Sheffield
I've noticed someone random sending me message on whatsapp. Then by the way they send pics I know its a family member of the cousin bully and his mother.

They sent me a video of chickens singing saying good morning and the mother in the past on whatsapp has indirectly put me down.


They may want to get to me, insult and disrespect me, but they're must be strong emotions behind this to do this. Anyway I indirectly said I have more proof and told the police, pretending it was meant for my friend, however it was meant for that person, to put them in their place. I really hope they're not that stupid.
 
K

khuang

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Avenue Q in the US
I've noticed someone random sending me message on whatsapp. Then by the way they send pics I know its a family member of the cousin bully and his mother.

They sent me a video of chickens singing saying good morning and the mother in the past on whatsapp has indirectly put me down.


They may want to get to me, insult and disrespect me, but they're must be strong emotions behind this to do this. Anyway I indirectly said I have more proof and told the police, pretending it was meant for my friend, however it was meant for that person, to put them in their place. I really hope they're not that stupid.
Honestly I’d tell that person off big time and ask them why are they contacting me when I’m not even actually related to them and don’t even talk to them. Let this person know that you aren’t going to put up wit( this random bullying and if they continue to insult you, just tell them to go *%#$ themselves in the @$$ with a big rusty pipe. What’s the worst they’re going to do to you? TP your house which they probably don’t know the location of because they have never been there on the account that they are only related to your cousin and not you? Plus I think the comeback insult would shock them so much that they probably wouldn’t know how to respond to such a thing given how graphically explicit it is. This person is literally nothing to you and they also can’t report you to the police as you did nothing illegal and just tell them that this person is a stranger and insulted you and you were just standing up to them and letting them know that you weren’t going to put up with their $*&# that they were telling you.
 

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